Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Adding Clomid & Other Ponderings...

I'm on day three of Clomid, and I'm happy to say that so far, the side-effects are almost non-existent. After reading a ton, I decided to take them at 7pm, so that I could sleep through the worst of it, and it's worked.

I can't tell if my mood is a result of the Clomid, or if I'm just having a very emotional, weepy day. My boss was just mean, mean, mean today. Well, she probably wasn't that bad, and it was probably just me, but it was one of those days where I felt as though she just wanted to get across that I was awful at my job and didn't deserve to be there. She sent a few snarky emails, engaged in a snarky phone call or two, and was generally just... snarky. I love absolutely everything about my job, except her. It's too bad, really.

I could tell it was a little more than that though, when I turned on the 6 o'clock news and saw a replay of Crosby scoring a goal in last night's hockey game after 10 months off with a concussion. He doesn't even play for "my" team and the game wasn't against "my" team. And I already heard on the radio that he'd scored... but apparently it's a whole different thing to see it on the box. Oy.

It's been interesting lately though. I've been so caught up with TTCing, and I haven't actually spent that much time pondering my health. I was telling my mum the other day that for the the first time in my life, I don't feel like I have a mental illness. It's taken a back seat. I don't feel "sick" - which is huge for me. I have been sick for so long and I can't even remember a time where I've been healthy (literally - I lost 15 years of memory and have very few memories before the age of 21).

It definitely feels like a new stage and I'm very grateful. Just this past week though, I've been feeling pretty raw, and on top of that, I actually had a panic attack at work a few weeks ago and had to go home. I recently cut back one of my anti-depressants again and I'm not sure if that's what's changed, but I'll keep an eye on it, of course. I do not want to raise my meds again, and I will do everything else I can do before having to go there. This is just so complicated. And as much as I'm so excited to TTC, it's so much pressure. I've been doing pretty well with it, but it's just... so much.

So, compared with what I've known, I'm doing amazing. Is my mood slipping a bit? Perhaps. And that's the tough part too: because I have been SO sick, my reasoning around healthy vs not is very skewed. Some might think that having a panic attack at work, feeling upset for a week or so, crying at the news and not being able to handle work pressure is reason for concern. Me? I just think, "Well, I don't want to off myself or cut half of my forearm open, so I must be okay". I think I need to readjust my thinking to a more realistic view of health.

As they may say on icanhascheezburger:

For now, I will take note and be realistic with myself. I promised Devon that I would talk my head off throughout my mood changes, and I will do that also. She's a pretty awesome listener and lover. I'm lucky. Hell, I'm lucky for a lot of things.


  1. Lex, just monitor yourself. You are doing fabulous.

  2. clomid was hard on my moods. i too always took at night and it seemed to minimize all the shifting. sending lots of lucky thoughts your way.

  3. Clomid made me alternate between being a raging bitch and a weeping baby. Keeping you in my thoughts!