This post is going to sound silly. Because it is a bit silly but it's also a bit relevant and I hate it when those two things don't match with my gut.
I went to my fabulous naturopath (who I call Frau) this week, for a scheduled general visit. This woman is crazy. And fascinating. One of the first times I went to her, she was working on a pressure point in my foot, stopped suddenly and said, "you're hanging on very tightly to that nightmare you had last night; it's time to let it go". I hadn't told her I had a nightmare, nor that I was indeed holding onto it. So she's definitely got a sixth sense, which I haven't ever questioned and have been very open to.
When I got there this week, Frau asked me how the TTC stuff was going, as the last time she saw me was almost two weeks after the last IUI. I told her about the miscarriage and she just said, "Yeah, it wasn't my place to tell you last time you were here. The baby was not healthy at all and didn't want to stay." Some may call her a quack, but there is just some shit that she shouldn't know, and yet she's incredibly accurate. She knows (through my body, apparently) when my partner is sick or sad or both. She said to me last week, "Why did you quit the musical group were singing in?" when I hadn't told her about my musical group, nor the fact that I quit. Those are just a few examples which just makes the following a little harder to just brush off.
While she was doing whatever she does with me, Frau asked me if we'd already paid for the last sample of the donor we're using (she knows we only have one left and then he's sold out after this). I told her yes and asked her why she asked, and she nodded and said "no reason". Later on, she asked if we have a back-up donor in place, and I told her that we had chosen donor #2 a few nights prior (the night our subscription to the bank ran out, we did a final search and a new guy popped up that we LOVE). She asked if we'd considered using #2 this next month instead of #1. I told her it's a lot of money to order more and that our plan was to try this month with #1, and if it doesn't work, buy 3-6 vials from #2 and keep going.
There was a bit more of this back and forth, and finally I asked why she kept bringing it up. She tried to brush it off, but when I pushed her on it, she admitted that she didn't really have a good feeling about #1, but she had an excellent feeling about #2, "but who am I to say anything..." When I was leaving, she wished me good luck and said she was excited, followed by, "but I'm more excited about #2".
Devon was in the car when I got out and I told her and both of us just looked at each other and said, "fuck - what do we do?" And we know it's "just" a psychic naturopath and I know it's probably coming from a spiritual level (over scientific) but considering the relationship I've built with her, part of me felt like I had to listen. And both of us believe in this type of energy/whatever-you-call-it.
So we've been back and forth and back and forth about whether we ditch #1 (losing about $800) and pay another $2,400 - $4,800 for a new batch of goods from #2 - remember we are in Canada, so the cost is more, so is the shipping; one vial of sperm ends up being about $800.
My gut keeps changing, but I think we're going to stick with the original plan. We know that #1 can get me pregnant (granted, I have trouble keeping them) and we still feel that he is a good fit for our family. But I don't want the doubt... and I'm a bit mad that Frau even said anything, although I know it came from a place of caring. I just don't want to go into this with a split psyche... always wondering if it was the right decision.
In the meantime, we had a bit of fun on the world wide web this morning and found a program that takes the faces of two people and morphs them into what their baby is going to look like. Here is my baby with donor #1 and my baby with donor #2. Which one is cuter? ;-)
|Lex + donor #1|
|Lex + donor #2|
Not that I know when we're going to be able to do this next... I am still waiting to bleed! (Sounds like an album title). I don't think I have ever looked forward to getting my period this much before.