Yes, no, yes, no, maybe... this is what I've heard all week.
So, despite my HCG levels being naught, my RE confirmed today that I did in fact lose a pregnancy last week. Apparently my LH and Estrogen levels tipped him off, and he has no other explanation for the bleeding.
I know there is a whole freakin' reality TV series dedicated to women who don't know they're pregnant until they give birth, many of who menstruate through their pregnancies... I just never thought that would happen to me. I asked him about the bleeding (before the miscarriage bleeding) and he said that we'll never know whether that was my period or not.
For those who need a refresher, here's the timeline:
October 1st - IUI
October 12th - bleeding for 5 days (almost dead on time for my period)
October 24th - bleeding for 5 days (apparently losing the pregnancy)
I see blood, I think period, I think no baby. I honestly feel really fucking stupid about this. Like, how could I not know? And how could I just stop taking care of myself as soon as my period came? I pulled a few all-nighters on vacation, didn't eat for hours on end, forgot to drink water and take vitamins, had a few glasses of wine here and there. I don't blame myself for the loss, but I'm shaking my head at how fucked up this is.
I'm still more confused than upset. I do have moments where I feel like this is all a mistake and that my cycles are just messed up. But I guess I have to trust the RE, who is awesome and who - I found out today - is responsible for the first baby born via IVF in Canada, 27 years ago. Pretty cool.
Anyway, if there was a silver lining today, it's that I'm safe to start trying again next cycle, considering it is such an early loss. We are adding Clomid, and I feel good about it.
Just a note re: terminology. Miscarriage vs. chemical pregnancy. Chemical pregnancy sounds so... lifeless. It's a baby. It's life. It's a big loss, regardless of size, shape or developmental stage. This is the shit that pro-lifers live for.
Alright, onwards and upwards, right? Kind of like this roller coaster?