Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Pregnancy Loss Confirmed

Yes, no, yes, no, maybe... this is what I've heard all week.

So, despite my HCG levels being naught, my RE confirmed today that I did in fact lose a pregnancy last week. Apparently my LH and Estrogen levels tipped him off, and he has no other explanation for the bleeding.

I know there is a whole freakin' reality TV series dedicated to women who don't know they're pregnant until they give birth, many of who menstruate through their pregnancies... I just never thought that would happen to me. I asked him about the bleeding (before the miscarriage bleeding) and he said that we'll never know whether that was my period or not.

For those who need a refresher, here's the timeline:
October 1st - IUI
October 12th - bleeding for 5 days (almost dead on time for my period)
October 24th - bleeding for 5 days (apparently losing the pregnancy)

I see blood, I think period, I think no baby. I honestly feel really fucking stupid about this. Like, how could I not know? And how could I just stop taking care of myself as soon as my period came? I pulled a few all-nighters on vacation, didn't eat for hours on end, forgot to drink water and take vitamins, had a few glasses of wine here and there. I don't blame myself for the loss, but I'm shaking my head at how fucked up this is.

I'm still more confused than upset. I do have moments where I feel like this is all a mistake and that my cycles are just messed up. But I guess I have to trust the RE, who is awesome and who - I found out today - is responsible for the first baby born via IVF in Canada, 27 years ago. Pretty cool.

Anyway, if there was a silver lining today, it's that I'm safe to start trying again next cycle, considering it is such an early loss. We are adding Clomid, and I feel good about it.

Just a note re: terminology. Miscarriage vs. chemical pregnancy. Chemical pregnancy sounds so... lifeless. It's a baby. It's life. It's a big loss, regardless of size, shape or developmental stage. This is the shit that pro-lifers live for.

Alright, onwards and upwards, right? Kind of like this roller coaster?

6 comments:

  1. I'm sorry for your loss- cause it is a loss no matter the stage. I have a hard time not counting my 8 embryos from ivf that never implanted... They were still 2 sets of DNA growing as one. May your next cycle be more sticky!

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  2. Sorry to hear this Lex. Still feel when it is right you will conceive. Fell better and don't blame yourself at all. It is out of your hands when you don't know that you are even pregnant and get bleeding.

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  3. I am so so so sorry to read this :( Sending you a big, big hug. Glad to read you gals are prepping for the next cycle and moving forward. PS, for what it's worth, I totally agree with your stance on MC vs CP.

    xoxo

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  4. also so sorry to read this. onwards is right but I know how hard it can be. i'm with you on the MC vs CP after having two myself. they are loses and they hurt. hang in there. sending love.

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  5. Don't be hard on yourself for not knowing--there's no way to know. Bleeding like a period when your period is due would feel like a negative to anyone, and almost nobody really can tell they're pregnant that early on--so you didn't miss any signs. I'm so sorry for your loss--but glad your doctor has agreed that a loss happened so you can allow yourself to grieve without second-guessing.

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  6. That's hard to process, especially given the confusion. If only it had been cut and dry one way or the other. I'm sorry :( We believe our first try was a chemical since it was completely wonky as well.

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