Thursday, December 29, 2011

Retrospections & Questions

I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever else you celebrated during this holiday season.

Our Christmas lacked the drama that we were expecting, which was fantastic. We spent the day with my family - which included our five nieces and nephews (with one more due in a month). So, it was pretty crazy, but a lot of fun. We've been trying to connect with Devon's brother, but he's a bit of an absent family member, so we've yet to celebrate with him. Hopefully soon.

I'm off work this week, and I'm going on week 4 or 5 of being sick. I just can't shake this cold/sore throat/coughing thing. I'm hoping the few weeks in Mexico (in a few weeks!) will help me kick it.

This week, my job is to go through all of our possessions and purge, purge, purge so that we can get our condo ready to stage for selling. Yesterday, I took five boxes of books to a used book store and charity drop. I did two degrees - one in Creative Writing and one in English Lit - and I finally rid myself of every textbook I've ever bought through my postsecondary education. About three of the boxes were novels, some of which I've held on to for over 15 years.

Aside from the books, I've been going through some personal stuff. My parents sold our family house last year and handed off two boxes of "stuff" from my childhood, which I haven't had the emotional capacity to go through as of yet. I went through them yesterday, and had a really tough time.

I lost about 15 years of memory due to a "medical error" when I had ECT (shock therapy) in my teens and early twenties. Basically, I don't remember age six to twenty one (and how much does one really remember before age six?). I don't really remember people (unless they are still in my life), events, places of residence, well... everything. So when I'm given two boxes that cover that time period, it's like learning about myself all over again. Unfortunately, it's mostly learning about myself in the third person.

So, it's emotionally taxing, but it also helps me learn about who I once was. It's a really weird feeling reading intense letters to and from people I know very little about. It's odd to look at photographs and not be able to place myself in them. This is a feeling that I've only scraped the surface of in my writings (on and mostly off this blog), and one that I know needs a lot more realization. One of these days, I'd like to go into what it means to lose an identity and come out the other side, but for now, I will put it aside, again.

TTC is currently not on my radar, and I realized today I am currently on CD13. I suppose I will use OPKs to figure out which cycle day I ovulate this month, but we will most likely miss this cycle as the clinic does not open again until January 3rd (CD18). It's been kind of nice to be less focused on the baby and taking a break, but I wish it had been our decision instead of a forced break. We leave for Mexico on January 9th and I hope we will not be too late when we return. I'm still trying to decide whether or not to use Clomid during that cycle. There is a small chance (probably only about 10%) we will be away for when the IUI would be scheduled, but we will most likely be in town. It seems a huge waste if I take Clomid and don't end up having the IUI, but I also want to up our chances next month too. Anyone been in a similar predicament before?

Have a wonderful new years everyone... looking forward to catching up with all of you.


  1. Lex, I had no idea about the lost memory. I know you have been through a lot with your mental health and would really think it worthwhile to you and your readers to talk about those years when you are ready. Is there anyway to go through some type of hypnosis to trigger memory? I just read an amazing book called My Life Deleted. It is about a man who falls cracks his head and forgets everything he was until the day he wakes up with a woman in the hospital he is told is his wife of many years. It tells how he went about trying to become his new self. I highly recommend it. Happy New Year and I know nothing about clomid other than many take it to increase number of eggs and for some it gets them into the teen numbers of eggs produced. I thought you take it everyday for months until you get pregnant but like I said I have no real idea. Just makes sense to keep taking it.

  2. Wow. Heavy stuff. It must be a real trip to learn about yourself like that.
    I'm glad your Christmas was drama free and I am so jealous of your trip to mexico!