Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Red Flags or a Shitty Day?

I have learned over the last 15 years since my diagnosis to be painfully aware of any sort of "slippage" because it can literally mean life or death. Though I don't expect to - or hope to - be suicidal ever again, it's not just my life I have to worry about any more. There may be another on board right now. And if next week when I take a home pregnancy test and it comes out negative, there will be another on board soon.

Last month I lowered my anti-convulsants and was terrified my seizures would return. So far, they have not. I did experience a bit of anxiety when I was in Mexico, which has ceased since I've been home. Not sure what that was about. Overall, I've felt as though my mood is okay, but here's the thing:

I keep fucking up at work. Although I work in a hospital environment, I'm not saving lives, so it's not as though my mistakes are killing anybody, but it doesn't look good... nor feel good. I've let projects slip through the cracks, I've been less than enthusiastic about my portfolio, I don't actually really care about work. Which is so not like me. 

I'm generally really good at my job. I have been called out a few times over the last week since I've been back from vacation for not being creative enough in planning, not taking initiative, and today, for totally not thinking through an email I sent to an exec asking for help... it was pointed out to me (by my manager, spurred on by the exec's response) that my tone was off and no wonder she refuses to help at all. 
Due to negative feedback (internal and external), I've lost confidence in simple things that I used to be good at. I'm not a people person when it comes to work (though I am in comfortable, social situations) and I've been shying away from dealing with people. Which is my job. I work in Communications, for god's sake, and I can't communicate.

So, this has been going on for a week, and I'm trying to figure out whether this behaviour is a red flag, or whether I'm just having a shitty week. Or whether I got too relaxed and detached on my vacation. And whether I can ever get it out of my head that, "Oh well. In 9 months, I'll be on may leave anyway..."

I hope to call it a shitty week and move on, but if I've learned anything over this past decade and a half, it is that I have to pay close attention to stuff like this, because it can be very telling. I see my shrink tomorrow morning for the first time in 6 weeks (I realized today that this has been the longest time I have ever had without therapy since I was 17), so I'll be going over medication changes then. But I just really need to know what's going on... and that it will pass. Soon. It has to.

In TTC news, it's been 7 days my last insem and I have no symptoms. Nada. The good news is, I keep forgetting about the possibility, so it isn't constantly on my mind. If we aren't pregnant this month, next month is going to be our last attempt before we come up with a long-term plan, whatever that means. Hopefully we won't have to go there. I really don't want to go through an IVF cycle if we can help it.

In HAPPY news, Crazy Lesbian Mom won first place in the Canadian Weblog Awards in the category of Best LGBTQ Blog in Canada. I'm very honoured and thank everyone involved for the opportunity. I'm sorry this isn't much of a "winning post," but I am thrilled... just had to get these thoughts out of my body.

Take care, everyone.


  1. Lex, important to talk about this. I think you are absolutely right to think about what is happening here. It could be the vacation break, could be other things on your mind (all the fertility issues) or could be a shitty week. I would wait another week and see if you feel the same way and maybe up something to give your more focus. Glad you are on top of all this. You are one smart woman and know your body best. Go with it.

  2. I just wanted to stop by and say I'm thinking about you. I agree with the comment above, maybe give things another week and see if you're just adjusting post-vacation. At the same time, try not to be too hard on yourself b/c people can't be perfect and the most creative all the time (and that's okay!). Hopefully your therapy appt will help you navigate through things that seem a little muddy. Sending you good vibes, sweets :)

  3. Congrats on your winning!
    If these things matter to you.
    This is my first visit
    and I already get the feeling
    you have more pressing matters in mind.

    As for the job,
    maybe you want a career change
    but it's not yet processed in your mind.
    God knows I went through a "few" changes
    in my lifetime...
    some of it good!!
    I also work in the health care system.
    I know what it can be like.

    I don't mean to intrude, but...
    why not adoption?
    So many are already here
    and in dire need of a loving mother.
    I'm just saying...
    Though I totally respect
    your wanting one of your own,
    the process is costly
    and often doomed to failure
    while there are kids there
    that would welcome you as their mom.
    Love is Love!!

    Good luck with everything!!