Wednesday, February 8, 2012

And the answer is.........


We tested with a home pregnancy test at 5 this morning before the official blood test and it was negative. Figured we'd do the blood work to prolong the pain/make sure. That came back this afternoon as negative.

This sucks.

We've been officially TTC-ing for 6 months now (which includes the miscarriage and forced break). Half a year, which I know to many of you feels like no time at all, and I imagine many of you have had to deal with many 6 months of infertility piled back-to-back on top of each other. I understand that in the TTC world, 6 months is nothing, but today, it feels like an eternity. And today, I will let it feel like an eternity. Because I'm very sad today.

Devon and I commute to work together, and on the way home today, she asked me if there was anything else we could be doing. The shitty thing is, the answer is no. And that's what I hate. We are doing everything we can right now, and we are getting nowhere. Drink more raspberry tea? Sure. Not sure it's going to make a huge difference, but that's about all I got.

Tomorrow, I have to go out and pick up presents for my best friend's baby shower, which is on Sunday. I feel like pretending I'm sick on Sunday so I miss it, but I also know that I can't do that to my best friend. I will go. I will celebrate. I will swallow my pain and ooh and aah at the cute baby things. That's what a best friend would do. I'm just going to have to put some walls up by the weekend.

I'm sorry guys - please forgive the pity party. Things will get better and in two weeks we get to try again and all of this will be forgotten. I'm just having a really tough time with this today. I really thought this new donor/new attitude would reward us plentifully. And today, today is very difficult.

I came across a news story about infertility today while I was working (I work in healthcare PR/communications) which struck a chord with me. I wanted to write out the last paragraph, which lists what not to say to someone struggling with infertility. It's a good read and a good reminder:

What not to say

As if infertility weren’t harsh enough, sufferers can become objects of pity, blame and unwelcome advice, says Pamela Tsigdinos, author of Silent Sorority: A (Barren) Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found. Here’s her list of five things not to say to an infertile couple.

“Your day will come.” (It may not.)

“Just relax.” (That stresses people out more.)

“I know a couple who gave up trying to have a baby and just after filing for adoption, the woman got pregnant.” (Miracle stories may not apply.)

“You can have my kids.” (Glib comments dismiss the pain.)

“Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.” (Ouch.)

The best response, Ms. Tsigdinos says, is “I’m sorry, it must be really difficult.” 

And yeah, things seem really difficult today.


  1. Oh Lex....I am so, so sorry. It's ok to be sad today, and unapologetically so. Six months is a long time to be wanting and suffering. Sending you virtual hugs tonight.

  2. Thanks S. I appreciate your thoughts and your virtual hugs very much.

  3. That SUCKS. I'm sorry. I'm sad with you guys.

  4. I'm really sorry to read this.

  5. Be sad and upset. You can have a pity party too.

  6. It fucking sucks, are you kidding me?! One month, six months, twelve months in ... it always sucks. BUT you grieve and heal and move on each time. So feel sorry for yourself, be mad at the world and/or your body ... give yourself whatever time you need to mourn ... because you WILL heal and move on, but not today. And that is okay! *hugs*

  7. I'm so sorry. We might have been one of those 6 months upon 6 months couples, but the first 6 months still sucked. It's a long time and it's fucking hard.

    If you're comfortable doing this, I have something I want to send you. You'd need to email me your address but I promise I'm not a stalker! It's something that someone passed onto me during ttc.

  8. I'm sorry that it was a no. And I agree with the others--6 months is a LONG time, especially since it doesn't include the months and months of waiting to start trying that you also should add in to your equation. I do hope that your day will come, though, and soon.

  9. This part IS really difficult and it does feel like forever. Every 'no' is a slap in the face. I'm sorry :(

  10. I am so sorry that you got a BFN this month. I was really hoping that you would get the good news this time around. I will keep my fingers crossed for next month. I hope you feel better soon.

  11. {{{{{huge hugs Lex and Devon}}}}}}}}