Friday, February 10, 2012

Picked up off the floor

Hi all.

I just wanted to thank you so much for your support after this week's BFN. Because I've belonged to this community for two years and have followed many of your journeys, there are times when I feel that I have no right to complain in writing the way I'm feeling, as it may come across as trite and disrespectful to those of you who have been trying for a hell of a lot more than 6 months. 

But, once again, I was overwhelmed by your acceptance that yes, trying for 6 months sucks, regardless of what others are going through. So thank you. It's much appreciated.

I feel better today and I'm trying to focus on the month ahead. Hopefully the re-introduction to Clomid and ultrasounds and trigger shots will help. But who knows.

So far, TTCing has not had a negative effect on either my relationship or my mental health, both of which actually surprise me. Yes, I get sad when we get a BFN, but it's not like I lose my shit and spiral into a deep depression. My sadness is real-people sadness, nothing more. With all of the relationship problems that were there at the beginning of this journey, I assumed we would keep having trouble throughout the TTC process. But Devon has almost been more excited about this process than I have. During my 2WWs, when the alarm goes off in the morning, she'll spoon me and put her hand on my tummy and talk to the (potential) baby and won't let me leave the bed until she's filled me with good, fertile energy. She buys baby onesies that we hang from our mantel so that we can be reminded that we will have someone to put in them soon. She reminds me to drink water, take vitamins, sleep and relax. She’s awesome. It is like night and day from when we started this. TTCing has actually been good for our relationship so far. That may change the deeper we get into the process (and the deeper into debt), but for now, I’ll take it.

I’ve been impressed with the mental health side of things too. I feel as though I have a really good grip on things, and am not lying to myself or anyone else about how I’m feeling just so I can go ahead and get my baby. I’ve been honest and smart about this process, and though I would love to come off more meds, for right now, I’ve done all that I can. And I’m proud of myself for that.

The potential for depression during pregnancy and for post-partum depression is going to be the big test, I think. It’s scary, scary stuff. It’s far enough away that it’s not constantly on my mind, but it’s something that I have to give some thought to, and prepare for (or at least prepare my very well-structured support network). The increased risk of miscarriage while on anti-depressants is quite scary too, but I can’t let myself go there, and I won’t at this point.

I will pick myself up from this last disappointment and try to be as positive and inviting as I can be. Whether that makes a difference or not, I don’t know, but it’s better than not believing. 

Thank you for helping me feel supported.

8 comments:

  1. You go girlfriend. Good vibes coming your way.

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  2. Awww...Devon doing that makes me want to cry happy tears. Soon you'll have someone in those onesies, for sure!

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  3. I'm so sorry that you got a BFN, however I'm happy to see how well you are taking it and am keeping you in my thoughts for this coming try.

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  4. Aw, D is so sweet!

    Sending continued support your way. Hang in there.

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  5. Yay for the stronger relationship. It's so helpful and wonderful to have a supportive partner!

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  6. This journey to parenthood is an ever twisting road. You are handling the curves and turns perfectly. It gets hard and frustrating. All of those feelings are valid and justified. I send you love, strength, and hope. You and Devon are doing an awesome job.

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  8. you should be very proud of yourself and your ability to persevere - through your illness and through rough relationship roads. sounds like you're in a great spot, healthy and loving/loved. and your honesty has a lot to do with that. though i may not comment often, i do keep up and am impressed and moved by your journey. <3

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