My post is three-fold today.
I'm in the would-be 2 week wait, which I guess is more of a 6 week wait. Even though there is no insemination this month (grrrrrr.... still not over it), I've been doing OPKs every morning, because I wanted to see when my "natural" ovulation happens.
Well, I'm almost at cycle day 19 of a 28 day cycle and I've yet to test positive. I started testing at CD10, so I don't think I missed it. I don't really know what's going on. I don't know whether I should be concerned, and I know that it is almost a moot point when I am injecting Ovidrel, because that will (hopefully) force me to ovulate if I'm having trouble on my own... right...? I know I could be having an anovulatory cycle, and I guess if I'm going to have one, this cycle is a good one. Though it will be interesting if tomorrow or the next day I test positive.
Normally, I go in for an u/s at CD14 if I have yet to test positive. My lining is always quite thin, but my follicles are very mature (23-26), so we trigger and do the IUI the next day. If I do ovulate late, I wonder if I should wait a couple of days to work on the uterine lining... but I get scared that I'm going to be too late and it will all be a wash.
You know what I won't miss when I'm pregnant? OBSESSING OVER OVULATION! I can't wait til I have OTHER things to obsess about... like discharge and the fruit or vegetable that my fetus is the same size of this week.
Fertility meds: I'm also struggling with what to do for the next cycle med-wise. I don't know whether to change to Femera or stay on Clomid. I respond well to Clomid, but it does thin my lining out quite considerably and leaves me unbearably dry. What I want to know is if Femera is so much superior than Clomid, why isn't it used more? Does anyone want to try to sway me one way or the other?
Head meds: I've tossed around the idea of lowering an antidepressant, because I haven't made a change in two months. I guess now would be the time. But I've been noticing my mood slipping, just slightly, but significantly. This is the first time I've really felt a palpable shift since the major withdrawal I was having over a year ago. It scares me a little. I don't think it's to the point where I need to be alarmed, but it's just a reminder that I need to stay on top of things.
As I mentioned in my last post, my bestest friend in the whole wide world delivered her baby on Thursday. And, as I also mentioned, I was very happy for her. But I realized something important in the wake of her beautiful boy. It's the same feeling I've had with the last five or six really close pregnancies. It's not jealousy - at least not obviously. I realized that what I'm feeling is a strong sense of indifference. I don't care. It doesn't interest me. A new baby? So what? Even for the birth of my OWN NEPHEW last month, I just listened to my inside voice, which was yelling "meh" and potentially had an eye roll or two included with a shoulder shrug.
How awful is that?? I know it's probably not just me trying to protect myself, but I think I would feel a lot better if I was just insanely jealous and a belligerent bitch as a result. Instead, I collapse into myself and shut off. I don't even really care if I get to snuggle with my nephew. I won't say no, but I don't seek it out anymore.
This is a HUGE change from the girl five years ago that would steal babies out of arms just for that feeling of having a child against my chest that smells of newborn and milk.
I miss that girl.