Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Ovulation, Medication and Indifference

I just wanted to start with a quick note to say thank you so much for your kind words, your empathy, and your support lately. I feel sometimes that I have little positive things to say on this blog and I fear that I can get quite exhausting. So thank you for staying.

My post is three-fold today.

OVULATION

I'm in the would-be 2 week wait, which I guess is more of a 6 week wait. Even though there is no insemination this month (grrrrrr.... still not over it), I've been doing OPKs every morning, because I wanted to see when my "natural" ovulation happens.

Well, I'm almost at cycle day 19 of a 28 day cycle and I've yet to test positive. I started testing at CD10, so I don't think I missed it. I don't really know what's going on. I don't know whether I should be concerned, and I know that it is almost a moot point when I am injecting Ovidrel, because that will (hopefully) force me to ovulate if I'm having trouble on my own... right...? I know I could be having an anovulatory cycle, and I guess if I'm going to have one, this cycle is a good one. Though it will be interesting if tomorrow or the next day I test positive.

Normally, I go in for an u/s at CD14 if I have yet to test positive. My lining is always quite thin, but my follicles are very mature (23-26), so we trigger and do the IUI the next day. If I do ovulate late, I wonder if I should wait a couple of days to work on the uterine lining... but I get scared that I'm going to be too late and it will all be a wash.

You know what I won't miss when I'm pregnant? OBSESSING OVER OVULATION! I can't wait til I have OTHER things to obsess about... like discharge and the fruit or vegetable that my fetus is the same size of this week.


MEDICATION

Fertility meds: I'm also struggling with what to do for the next cycle med-wise. I don't know whether to change to Femera or stay on Clomid. I respond well to Clomid, but it does thin my lining out quite considerably and leaves me unbearably dry. What I want to know is if Femera is so much superior than Clomid, why isn't it used more? Does anyone want to try to sway me one way or the other?

Head meds: I've tossed around the idea of lowering an antidepressant, because I haven't made a change in two months. I guess now would be the time. But I've been noticing my mood slipping, just slightly, but significantly. This is the first time I've really felt a palpable shift since the major withdrawal I was having over a year ago. It scares me a little. I don't think it's to the point where I need to be alarmed, but it's just a reminder that I need to stay on top of things.


INDIFFERENCE

As I mentioned in my last post, my bestest friend in the whole wide world delivered her baby on Thursday. And, as I also mentioned, I was very happy for her. But I realized something important in the wake of her beautiful boy. It's the same feeling I've had with the last five or six really close pregnancies. It's not jealousy - at least not obviously. I realized that what I'm feeling is a strong sense of indifference. I don't care. It doesn't interest me. A new baby? So what? Even for the birth of my OWN NEPHEW last month, I just listened to my inside voice, which was yelling "meh" and potentially had an eye roll or two included with a shoulder shrug.

How awful is that?? I know it's probably not just me trying to protect myself, but I think I would feel a lot better if I was just insanely jealous and a belligerent bitch as a result. Instead, I collapse into myself and shut off. I don't even really care if I get to snuggle with my nephew. I won't say no, but I don't seek it out anymore.

This is a HUGE change from the girl five years ago that would steal babies out of arms just for that feeling of having a child against my chest that smells of newborn and milk.

I miss that girl.

6 comments:

  1. Lex, Keep monitoring yourself. You do sound a little more depressed. I worry and I remember how depressed I was month after month for a year when I wanted something so bad. My mood swings were in evidence and I wasn't having the meds you are on. Please make sure you don't slip too far. I would keep meds the same. I am so sorry you are going through this but the continued focus can affect your cycle as I am sure you know. I have no answers so I just hope you can breathe and let it go a little and focus and other things. Do some new things that might just help you relax more.

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  3. I would keep using the OPKs - my successful cycle, I didn't ovulate until day 19 though I will say that my cycles overall are longer than 28 days. It might also be helpful to test twice a day - I tended to have a long surge, but testing twice a day would ensure that I would catch it at some point along the way. Hooray for internet cheapies.


    If you google infertility blog, there is an RE who has written about the differences between femera and clomid back in January and February (he only writes once a month, so it's not like you'd have to go far back). I think the biggest concern about the femera is that one study (which was not a terribly good one) which prevents it from becoming a drug of choice like clomid. I personally am usually on team if-one-thing-isn't-working-it's-time-to-try-something-else, but I think it's a pretty personal decision.

    I think it's great that you are in tune with yourself; it sounds like right now might not be the time to make other med changes but again, personal decision. :)

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  4. Hello! I just stopped in to let you know that I nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award. Hope all is well with you!

    http://aandkmakeababy.blogspot.com/2012/03/crazy-week.html

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    1. I am just catching up on your last few blog entries. I am sorry to hear that you had to miss a cycle.

      I used Letrozole (generic for Femera) during the last cycle that we tried. I liked it better because I didn't get headaches while on it. I had both our OB and the IVF doc tell us that the Femera can produce a better lining than with Clomid and typically it has fewer side effects. It is slightly more expensive, but for me it was worth it. You may be able to get the Letrozole rather than the Femera which is less expensive. I paid $16 for the Letrozole as opposed to the $50 for Femera.

      I understand what you are feeling about babies. I used to get so excited for wee ones, but now it is complete indifference. For me, I think it is a defense mechanism. Once you are pregnant, hopefully all of this will be a distant memory. Hang in there!

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