Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Crying in a parking lot

Today is better than yesterday and even better than the day before that. I feel like I've been pretty negative on the blog lately, but I always wanted to be true to what was going on and have always used this blog as a sort of self-processing tool.

I started to bleed today, picked up my prescription for Letrozole, got a follow-up blood tests (results pending), picked up some chasteberry extract, and called the new clinic to let them know to expect me in a few weeks (protocol is to call on CD1). I'm interested to know if I can handle the Letrozole a bit better than the Clomid. Although my side-effects were bearable, my uterine lining really did suffer. I'm hoping this change is a good one. I just read over the government warnings and feel as though I'm about to ingest poisonous snakes with a lead paint kick, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right?

I'm not a crier. Even at my worst, when I was in psych wards on suicide watch, I couldn't cry. It's just something that our family never did and I've always been angry or self-destructive before I've shed a tear. But on Sunday, I finally lost it... and it took a really shitty circumstance to get me there.

Scenario: One of my very best friend's daughter's first birthday party. I am one of two people out of 35 at the party who does not have kids. Which sucks, but whatever... I was expecting it and felt prepared. My Absolute Best Friend in the whole entire world is there with her 16-day old son. I am sitting next to her while she is breastfeeding and my other Very Best Friend (whose daughter's birthday party this is), comes to sit next to me, literally leans over me and says to Absolute Best Friend, "I can't believe we're moms... isn't it AMAZING?!" To which Absolute Best Friend leans back over me and says to Very Best Friend, "Yup, and we have the milk to prove it!" And then they giggle and smile and share a very obviously motherly moment.

I had to get up and excuse myself to the bathroom. If it had been anyone else, I would probably not have reacted the way I did, but these are extremely close friends who I have talked to ad nauseum about the pain and frustration of this TTC process. I had JUST spoken to Very Best Friend on Friday about the overwhelming feeling of emptiness around not being a mother.

I tried to regroup, but I think the damage was done. It was near the end of the party, but left quite abruptly (careful to be smooth about it) and sat in the car in the parking lot and cried for half and hour. Everything from the last year and even before that just came out. The pain of not having what was being rubbed in my face was just too much. I finally exploded.

And then I came home and cried in front of Devon, who was really supportive and surprised me by saying that I wasn't overreacting (not that she doesn't support me always, but sometimes what I think of as a big deal is not even a small deal to her, so I wasn't sure what to expect).

I don't know. It just pushed me over the edge. And it also made me never want to talk with either of them about this TTC process, which I don't know whether is fair or not or whether I will follow through with that, but I think I just need to reel back a bit and choose who I open up to.

So, I will be more careful. Which sucks, but I can't risk this type of hurt. I've already stepped back from a social night with the both of them this week, and will put up some walls for the next time I see them.

But, as I said, today is better and I am really excited about this month's cycle. I'll just focus on that.


9 comments:

  1. I am so sorry this is happening to you. If you need to take a break from your friends I would just tell them that you are so excited for them but until it happens for you, you must just take a little time off. I would understand if I was your friend and try and plan a day without the baby but also lives change with kids and you will see this yourself when it happens. Sad but true. You will figure out what works for you. I would let go of some of your expectations and just release your body to get pregnant when it is ready. This is not a short race but a marathon.

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  2. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish your friends would have been more aware of whom they were speaking in front of and your current situation. The TTC roller coaster is not always a fun one and it's not one many people understand. I wish you all the best in this next cycle!!!

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  3. I just found your blog and am excited to catch-up on where you are, but for now, I just wanted to comment, UGG. This reminds me of the day when I had just received BFP and one of my best friends (who didnt know we were TTCing) told me she and her husband were pregnant, phew, after 2 months of trying. I nearly lost it! Im sorry that your VBFs wouldnt have been more sensitive.

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  4. Ugh, ugh, ugh, I cringed reading what happened. What a horrible situation and a deeply insensitive thing your friends did. I know from years of such comments that people - even people who know what you're going through - are usually oblivious. They think, we've talked about you, now be happy for me. And it doesn't work like that because it's your heart and suffering and you can't just turn it off. Oh, I'm so sorry you had to go through that but I'm glad you were able to cry and let some of it out.

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  5. I like your blog. You should just think about you. They are happy and that is fine, but you should focus your energy, especially your positive energy on making your own family.

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  6. oy, i cringed too. i'm so sorry. sending you a big ((hug))

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  7. Good luck this next cycle. It's too bad your friends seem so insensitive, especially since you've shared what you're going through with them. Your time will come though.

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  8. ((hugs))

    make all the space/walls that you need, and don't let yourself feel bad about it!

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  9. Thanks everyone... I really appreciate all the comments.

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