Today is better than yesterday and even better than the day before that. I feel like I've been pretty negative on the blog lately, but I always wanted to be true to what was going on and have always used this blog as a sort of self-processing tool.
I started to bleed today, picked up my prescription for Letrozole, got a follow-up blood tests (results pending), picked up some chasteberry extract, and called the new clinic to let them know to expect me in a few weeks (protocol is to call on CD1). I'm interested to know if I can handle the Letrozole a bit better than the Clomid. Although my side-effects were bearable, my uterine lining really did suffer. I'm hoping this change is a good one. I just read over the government warnings and feel as though I'm about to ingest poisonous snakes with a lead paint kick, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
I'm not a crier. Even at my worst, when I was in psych wards on suicide watch, I couldn't cry. It's just something that our family never did and I've always been angry or self-destructive before I've shed a tear. But on Sunday, I finally lost it... and it took a really shitty circumstance to get me there.
Scenario: One of my very best friend's daughter's first birthday party. I am one of two people out of 35 at the party who does not have kids. Which sucks, but whatever... I was expecting it and felt prepared. My Absolute Best Friend in the whole entire world is there with her 16-day old son. I am sitting next to her while she is breastfeeding and my other Very Best Friend (whose daughter's birthday party this is), comes to sit next to me, literally leans over me and says to Absolute Best Friend, "I can't believe we're moms... isn't it AMAZING?!" To which Absolute Best Friend leans back over me and says to Very Best Friend, "Yup, and we have the milk to prove it!" And then they giggle and smile and share a very obviously motherly moment.
I had to get up and excuse myself to the bathroom. If it had been anyone else, I would probably not have reacted the way I did, but these are extremely close friends who I have talked to ad nauseum about the pain and frustration of this TTC process. I had JUST spoken to Very Best Friend on Friday about the overwhelming feeling of emptiness around not being a mother.
I tried to regroup, but I think the damage was done. It was near the end of the party, but left quite abruptly (careful to be smooth about it) and sat in the car in the parking lot and cried for half and hour. Everything from the last year and even before that just came out. The pain of not having what was being rubbed in my face was just too much. I finally exploded.
And then I came home and cried in front of Devon, who was really supportive and surprised me by saying that I wasn't overreacting (not that she doesn't support me always, but sometimes what I think of as a big deal is not even a small deal to her, so I wasn't sure what to expect).
I don't know. It just pushed me over the edge. And it also made me never want to talk with either of them about this TTC process, which I don't know whether is fair or not or whether I will follow through with that, but I think I just need to reel back a bit and choose who I open up to.
So, I will be more careful. Which sucks, but I can't risk this type of hurt. I've already stepped back from a social night with the both of them this week, and will put up some walls for the next time I see them.
But, as I said, today is better and I am really excited about this month's cycle. I'll just focus on that.