Long story short: I've been seeing a Naturopath who is not just a Naturopath, but a healer, with a gift of seeing and hearing and experiencing things that the rest of us can't see or hear or experience. You can't deny it once you've seen and experienced her. She knows things about me, my past, my future. Devon saw her for the first time this week and the next day, the Naturopath gave Devon a message from her (dead) mom, that could only have come from Dev's mom.
So when she is assessing me this week and stops, takes a step back, has her fortune-telling look on and asks me "What happens if you never get pregnant? What would you do?" my heart and everything in my body sank.
What would I do? I would break in half. I would not know how to move on from this place. I would lose all of the hope that I'm rummaging up inside of me to drive me forward every month.
I know she's just one person, but she's been right about so much. She then asked me to put as much energy into not being a mom than I am becoming a mom, so that I can have an "equal" head about it. I am not willing to go there. I am not ready to go there. I will become a mom. And I really, really hope I will become a biological mom.
To add insult to injury, both the Naturopath and my Chinese Medicine doctor (who I respectably call my witch doctor, and who is also quite tapped into things that aren't necessarily "there") are vehemently against IVF. In their experience in treating IVF kids, they've found that the kids aren't as healthy as the general population, that there are cognitive "wires crossed" and it's not fair on anyone to go that route. I know enough IVF kids - and I know enough about all of your lovely, healthy IVF kids - to know that this is not necessarily the case, but it is really hard to feel as though I would be going against everything these two women stand for.
I know it's my body, my choice, but I've built an amazing rapport with both of them. In tandem, they have essentially rid me of the chronic pain that no Western doctor could get rid of over a span of 5 years. They have both been working on me throughout this TTC process and I go to my witch doctor every day that I inseminate for acupuncture.
My Naturopath also wants me to take three months off. My body is tired. My hormones are out of whack. I am apparently in dire need of a break. But my fear is that I'll lose that hope I hold on so tight to, and that every month we don't try will be a month of wishing that we were. I'm also not ready to go there.
Additionally, the Naturopath wants us to find a known donor going forward. We have someone in mind, but have not been serious about the option (I'll save it for another blog post). I would much rather use an anonymous donor. It's easier. But apparently it's not working. And with a success rate of 7-20% per month, it's frustrating. With "live" sperm, our chances increase significantly over frozen sperm, but so do the risks, in my mind. And, I can't help but notice on so many blogger's TTC Timelines, that many start with a known donor and then move onto IUI after months and months of BFNs.
I am not closing the door on IVF, but I do hope it becomes a moot point. We will be trying an IUI this month, against my naturopath's orders. We will be doing it at a new clinic, as our clinic has been shut down until the end of April, at the earliest. We had to go through all of the consent forms AND the blood tests (which I JUST checked now... and huh - my prolactin levels are above normal. I don't know what that means... Dr. Google will hopefully tell me shortly), which was a pain... but apparently now a good thing, considering something may need to be addressed.
I'm just waiting to bleed and then we'll be on our way (unless there is a problem with elevated prolactin?). I just want to fucking try again and get all this shit from my Naturopath out of my head. Maybe just to prove her wrong.