I'm guessing I already know the answer to my question, and I'm guessing the answer is something along the lines of: "You never get over the worry of thinking this can end at any second."
It's been a strange couple of days. Blissful and terrifying. I'm caught between celebrating this pregnancy and feeling a dire need to wait until... I don't know when. I think I'll feel better after next week's beta, but by that time, maybe that milestone will move until after the 7 week ultrasound, and then not until the 12 week, 20 week, etc. until this baby is born healthy.
Even the nurse that called from the clinic (because I called saying "what the hell do I do now; I've never got this far in my thoughts") told me to be careful with the celebrations. I just feel like this place is a little bit like purgatory.
In some respects, this embryo is already our future baby and I can let myself dream about taking him or her (or them!) home in my arms from the hospital in mid-January next year. And part of me just keeps nagging, "Just wait... don't get too attached". Which I hate. But it's truth.
Although I don't think I'm putting much energy into thinking that this baby isn't going to stick, this is one of the hardest roads I've taken on this whole TTC journey so far.
Do I get another referral to my Reproductive Psychiatrist now, or in a few weeks? [I have an increased risk of miscarriage with my mental health/medication issues. I wrote about it here]. Do I bother going to my GP now, or in a few weeks? Do I pay the $4.99 for a pregnancy tracking app or do I download the free version for now?
While I'm thankful that my boobs don't hurt as much as they did on the weekend, it scares me too (they still do hurt though). Even though I know cramping can happen in early pregnancy, why do I fear the worst when it does? Why do I immediately think I've started bleeding when I feel any moisture in my underwear? Oh, and word to the wise: Don't wear your comfy period underwear on days like this... the stains will freak you out each time you whip your pants down.
I don't know if any of you have any tips for shoving these thoughts away and replacing them with positive ones, but if you do, I'd greatly appreciate them. Positive thinking is something I've always struggled with (that's what two decades of major depression will do to you). For now, I keep telling myself that regardless if this lasts or not, I really do feel blessed every day that I am pregnant. Because it is a pretty awesome feeling (well, maybe not physically). It seems to work.... sometimes.
Baby: We want you so badly. Please, please stick around to meet us.