Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Stick baby, stick

I'm guessing I already know the answer to my question, and I'm guessing the answer is something along the lines of: "You never get over the worry of thinking this can end at any second."

It's been a strange couple of days. Blissful and terrifying. I'm caught between celebrating this pregnancy and feeling a dire need to wait until... I don't know when. I think I'll feel better after next week's beta, but by that time, maybe that milestone will move until after the 7 week ultrasound, and then not until the 12 week, 20 week, etc. until this baby is born healthy.

Even the nurse that called from the clinic (because I called saying "what the hell do I do now; I've never got this far in my thoughts") told me to be careful with the celebrations. I just feel like this place is a little bit like purgatory.

In some respects, this embryo is already our future baby and I can let myself dream about taking him or her (or them!) home in my arms from the hospital in mid-January next year. And part of me just keeps nagging, "Just wait... don't get too attached". Which I hate. But it's truth.

Although I don't think I'm putting much energy into thinking that this baby isn't going to stick, this is one of the hardest roads I've taken on this whole TTC journey so far.

Do I get another referral to my Reproductive Psychiatrist now, or in a few weeks? [I have an increased risk of miscarriage with my mental health/medication issues. I wrote about it here]. Do I bother going to my GP now, or in a few weeks? Do I pay the $4.99 for a pregnancy tracking app or do I download the free version for now?

While I'm thankful that my boobs don't hurt as much as they did on the weekend, it scares me too (they still do hurt though). Even though I know cramping can happen in early pregnancy, why do I fear the worst when it does? Why do I immediately think I've started bleeding when I feel any moisture in my underwear? Oh, and word to the wise: Don't wear your comfy period underwear on days like this... the stains will freak you out each time you whip your pants down.

I don't know if any of you have any tips for shoving these thoughts away and replacing them with positive ones, but if you do, I'd greatly appreciate them. Positive thinking is something I've always struggled with (that's what two decades of major depression will do to you). For now, I keep telling myself that regardless if this lasts or not, I really do feel blessed every day that I am pregnant. Because it is a pretty awesome feeling (well, maybe not physically). It seems to work.... sometimes.

Baby: We want you so badly. Please, please stick around to meet us.


  1. Congratulations!! I started following your blog during the Canadian Weblog Awards and am very excited for you two. I do hope this pregnancy sticks and that we are soon hearing about your newborn(s).

    And all your fears? Totally normal. At least, I've suffered from everything you've said so I assume it's normal!

  2. I could have written this. In fact, I think I've said a lot of the same things on my blog. I'm hoping at 12 weeks some of the anxiety subsides, but really do agree that until there's a baby in our arms we're going to be worried that something could go wrong.

  3. Stick! Stick! Purgatory is right on! For me, the anxiety subsided a little for each milestone, disappeared almost completely after 22 weeks, and is now back as we get to the home stretch. I think with any kind of medicalized, planned, hung-out-with-people-on-the-internet-with-a-variety-of-outcomes conception it's a balance between letting the dreams happen and feelings hopeful / positive but also being realistic about all of the possibilities.

    Hope that you can enjoy as much as possible - it is pretty amazing!

  4. You totally brought me back to all the feelings I had while pregnant and it was so hard. The anxiety did lessen some after 12w and then after 24w.

    For me, I used a lot of visualization. I also had a special necklace that I wore, and anytime I would feel anxious I would touch the necklace and that would be the prompt to think good, calming thoughts. The other thing I would do is to allow myself to feel as anxious as I need to feel, but I would remind myself that the anxiety did nothing to change what would happen in my pregnancy. I would just tell myself that it was all up to my baby and my baby was strong.

    Thinking good thoughts!

  5. im so glad you mentioned the comfy period underwear. i didnt realize that everyone had those.

    hoping we can be prego buddies! so happy for you.

  6. It is totally normal to worry about everything, and to be scared to be excited. I've been going through the exact same thing this week, too. Any little weird pain could be the beginning of the end!

    My mom gave me some good advice: "If something bad happens, you will deal with it then. But for now, just enjoy the moment and be happy." And she's right. I suggest you do the same! Enjoy this!

  7. I agree with the Mom above. It is out of your control. When I had my sons back in the dark ages 1971 and 1973 we had no fancy tests, no ultrasounds and couldn't hear the heartbeat basically until we felt the baby move. So relax and enjoy all the technology and know that you GOT PREGNANT, something you worried about until that happened. All will be what is intended and you will deal with everything as you need too. Take a photo of a broom quite literally sweeping away the bad thoughts. It works for everything and a wise therapist gave me it as a tool.

  8. Yeah, I could have written this as well! The seven week ultrasound this week did help a little (Yay! A heartbeat!) but I don't think I'll feel significantly more relaxed until we are past the first trimester. I worry about everything (including, like you, that my boobs don't hurt quite as much), especially food! I'm trying to chill out, because I know paranoia can't be good.

  9. Nutella checked the toilet paper every single time she peed during the whole pregnancy I think. Your fears are completely normal and I remember it being SO. HARD. at the beginning, wondering each day if something bad would happen. But it never did (well, it never did to the baby anyway...Nutella felt pretty bad during a lot of the pregnancy).

    I could tell you what you already know- that most of the time, pregnancies stick and go on to produce healthy children, but that won't stop the worrying. Just try to have some optimistic...and keep picturing a happy future.

  10. i haven't figured out how to stop worrying either. it's hard. and then you worry about baby and toddler stuff. welcome to motherhood, i suppose ;)

  11. The worrying got a lot better as things progressed. We never stopped worrying exactly, but we did try to adopt the attitude that fear would not make a potential loss any easier. We tried to believe in the pregnancy and by doing that as much as possible, it became easier.