Sunday, June 3, 2012

My heart is burning, but strong

Tomorrow, BoomBoom officially graduates from an embryo to a fetus. Every day towards that elusive 12-week "safe" mark seems like a blessing. Today, I was cramping pretty badly in the morning and it's hard not to jump to the worst case scenario (which is what I do best), but after lying down with a hot water bottle on my tummy for a few minutes, I was fine.

I didn't expect the heartburn to be this bad. It is to the point where I can't eat. Yesterday, I had to skip dinner because the heartburn made me feel completely full (even though I hadn't eaten that much). It was originally deemed to be an old wives tale, but the link between heartburn in pregnancy and a baby with a full head of hair has actually been scientifically proven, so I won't be surprised if BoomBoom comes out with a mullet.

What's surprised me most, however, has been my mood. When we were seeing our reproductive psychiatrist leading up to this pregnancy, one of the first things she warned us about was that mood disorders do not get better in pregnancy, and for the vast majority of women, they do get worse. Now I know I'm only barely into this pregnancy, but so far, my mood has been fine. I did go through that two-week period of insomnia, which was tough, but I felt sleep-deprived, not depressed. My anxiety levels are heightened, but, judging by the forums from my online pregnancy group I joined, I don't believe they are any higher than other women.

I did expect my mood to drop. I almost expected the panic attacks to come back. I know I have seven more months of hormonal changes, and anything can happen, but I'm honestly surprised at how sound and strong I've felt through this. Yes, sometimes I'm exhausted and I get teary at stupid things, but I think that's normal. I do think too that being on Clomid and letrozole throughout the TTC process has probably got my body and my mind ready for some of the roller coasters. Perhaps a silver lining in the TTC journey?

I'm doing what I can to hold onto this good mental health. I know a lot of it is not in my control, but whatever I can do to keep my mental health in check, I will. I know too well that it can rear it's ugly face out of nowhere at any time, and I know I have to be ready for it. I've always been ready for it, ever since I was 13 and got sick in the first place. But for now, I'm happy. BoomBoom is happy. Devon is happy. We're all happy. I love it.

On a last note, I do have to share quickly that I got an email out of the blue last week from a writer at Healthline, who voted Crazy Lesbian Mom as one of the best pregnancy blogs of 2012. Her write-up of this blog was overwhelming, and there are a ton of really, really good blogs listed. Check it out if you're interested.


  1. Yay for the fetus! Are you going to find out the sex??

  2. Lex, all normal and after the 12 week mark I assume you can take some meds if you need too as fetus is formed. You are doing great and I think focusing on the positive since this is out of your control is a positive thing. Also, don't eat anything with tomatoes as they are awful for heartburn. Also, ask your Doc if you can chew tums or take some other antacid. Otherwise don't lay flat for two hours and elevate your head and back at an angle to sleep.

  3. Nutella had awful heartburn. I believe she took 150mg of zantac for it (75mg twice a day) which made things a lot better.

    So glad your mood is soaring! Hope it continues to do so. It will probably be very important to keep an eye on it after you give birth when hormone levels go crazy again.

  4. Wow, graduation to a fetus is a big milestone! That's awesome! I'm so glad to hear your mood is good and I hope you are able to hold on to that. I have had occasional heart burn or acid throat from time to time and I found that chewing Tums helps. Be sure to check with your doc about what you can take. I think you are going to do just fine!

  5. I have clinical anxiety/depression and found that all through pregnancy, that I was overall euthymic. I had more instant rage moments that were actually kinda fun. I kept the thoughts to myself and enjoyed the passing, out of the ordinary "empowerment". I did stay on a mood stabilizer during pregnancy, though. Not sure what you chose to do.

    Post partum was harder, but the weirdness didn't last more than a couple weeks, maybe?

    Good luck and congrats on the milestone!

  6. Very happy for your happiness! I love that you are so often able to enjoy the good and yet stay realistically prepared that something could change. I think you're right - pretty normal to be at least somewhat anxious throughout (or at least that's been my experience at times).