After 2.5 months, I finally got another appointment with the reproductive psychiatrist... in a month. Although I'm thrilled that I got the appointment, it feels like if there was damage done to the baby by my meds, the damage is done. Baby is fully formed and all of the things that could be affected by side-effects of antidepressants during pregnancy are pretty much cooked. Cleft lip would have happened already, heart defects would have too. Developmental issues may not be apparent for a while, but if there will be issues, they are already there. The only thing that I *could* still control is the potential withdrawal that the baby may have at birth if I continue my anti-depressants in the third trimester. But the risks of not taking them in the third trimester may not outweigh the benefits.
I'm a bit disappointed, but so glad that I met with the reproductive psychiatrist prior to conception. If I hadn't, I'd be freaking out a lot more. I know that what I'm on is considered "safe" in this realm and I worked so hard to get to this place. Although I do deal with the guilt every day, I do also know that I've done the right thing. My mood is good, and that's what counts. Interestingly enough, in all of the studies I've read about outcomes of children with depressed moms, the children who's moms were suffering from debilitating depression were the worst off.
Other than all that, I guess things have been progressing. At least that's what my belly tells me. We started taking belly shots, but I'm still too embarrassed to put them up on the blog (even faceless). Maybe I'll get over that soon.
But quite honestly, sometimes I go through periods of questioning whether I'm even pregnant, and I don't know whether that's normal at this point. I mean, I'm fully in maternity clothes and I've pretty much popped (my colleagues keep saying "are you *sure* it's not twins???"). But I don't have any strong symptoms other than a lack of period and sore breasts and a little bit of round ligament stuff.
We see the midwife on Thursday, so I'm anxious to have her find the heartbeat again, because I know how awesome that was last time. I was tempted to buy a Doppler on eBay today.
I know I should be thankful that I'm feeling so healthy, and mostly, I am. But I'm an anxious person. I need reassurance. I'm hoping once the 18-20 week ultrasound happens and baby is healthy, I'll feel better. And when I feel the baby move. And when Devon gets to feel the baby move.
Oh who am I kidding... I won't feel better until this baby is safe and healthy in my arms.