Wednesday, August 22, 2012

19 weeks and an upcoming ultrasound

It's been a little while since I've written about how the pregnancy is going and this week is a big week, so I wanted to get my thoughts down. We have our 19/20 week ultrasound on Friday, which I'm so excited about and ridiculously nervous about too. I had a horrible nightmare last night that we went to the ultrasound and found out the baby was dead. Haven't been able to shake that feeling since this morning.

Physically, I'm beginning to get more and more uncomfortable. I've gained over 15 pounds already, and definitely feeling that. I'm relatively small to begin with, so the additional weight is a bit tough - especially on my feet, which have had issues for years.

We are 19 weeks pregnant, so next Tuesday will mark the halfway mark. I'm feeling pretty good about that.

A few surprises lately:

1) On the weekend, my left boob was hurting SO much - like a pulsing pain - and I couldn't figure out why. The only thing that would help was when I put pressure on it. It came and went all day and I didn't even really put too much thought into the "why" until I went bra shopping that day and took off my old bra to see that I was leaking collostrum out of one breast. Totally didn't know it could happen this early (and didn't know there was pain associated with it), so just stood there staring at it. Still haven't bought pads, but if things keep up, they'll be a necessity soon.

2) This is a few weeks old, but I think I've been feeling BoomBoom kick. I describe it to Devon as someone popping bubble wrap paper deep inside of me. I felt it about 3 or 4 days in a row a week and a half ago, but nothing since, which is kind of freaky. However, last night, Devon put her mouth on my tummy and started to talk to the baby, and I swear it started moving. Whether or not they can really hear that well at this point, it was a nice feeling.

We saw our reproductive psychiatrist late last week. It was nice to finally talk about all the hypotheticals now that we're pregnant and things aren't so hypothetical any more. She was very impressed with how much I've cut down on my meds. She warned me about some potential changes in the third trimester due to increased blood flow and the liver functioning faster than usual - that my medications will be processed faster and therefore the effects won't be as strong (bad for me). She often sees mood changes in late pregnancy due to this. I would love to come down on one particular medication, which passes through breast milk at a higher rate than the others (though no research has been able to find any adverse effects on the child), but I'm not sure if I'd be able to. I figure it ain't broke right now so there's nothing to be fixed... and it's not a great time to play around with things.

She said we could talk about breastfeeding closer to the due date, but I told her I really needed to now. I want to mourn the loss if I can't, and if I can, I want to be as prepared as possible. The bottom line is that I'll be able to, if I choose to. The good news is, the medications I'm on has not been shown to affect the child negatively through breast milk. The bad news is, not a heck of a lot of research has been done on my particular combination. In Canada, children are not monitored through blood tests to see what's in their systems, so it would be by observation only. Basically, if I want no risk, I should formula feed. But if I formula feed, there are concerns about my lack of bonding to the baby (not that formula-fed kids are not bonded with their mothers... more that depressed moms need more opportunities - like breastfeeding - to bond with their babies). I'm still on the fence, but I want to breastfeed so badly. I'm scared that it's a selfish choice though. I have a couple more months to decide, but not being able to is going to break my heart. She essenitally said go for it, but I have to get there myself first.

I'm finding it tough to concentrate on work these days and I do feel like I've "checked out" a bit, which is a bit concerning, but I'm just so exhausted and can't put two sentences together. Plus, summer is slow and I'm not in the mood to make work. I'm in a bit of a slump work-wise.

My anxiety is pretty high and I'm hoping that on Friday, after we see that everything is A-OK with BoomBoom from the ultrasound, I can stop thinking that I may be carrying a very sick child inside of me. And fuck it - I ordered a doppler on eBay the other day so I'm hoping that will help ease the "oh my god, s/he's dead" feelings when/if they come.

We will be finding out the sex, but we're telling everyone that we're not finding out. We just want it to be a surprise for other people, but feel we would like to know. We also don't want the gender issue to enter into all conversations. I think finding out will help me bond (which I'm still struggling with at times). I will let the blogging community know the sex, but Devon and I are only telling one person each in real life. I am also hoping that finding out now will help with my "preference" of having one sex over another (I want to not care, but I kind of do! Feeling awful about that).

Hopefully my next post will include a healthy pic of my little BoomBoom.


  1. Lex, I think your condition is exasperating your anxiety. Try not to anticipate anything until it happens. I know that is so hard for you to do. I am hoping after the major ultrasound you can start to relax a little and start to really enjoy the process. Bonding once that baby is born for most people is natural. You will be fine. It is your anxiety that is speaking. You will be terrific and all will go well. I would certainly try and nurse and see how the baby does as you up your meds so that you don't go through postpartum depression. At least you are so on top of everything. I will be holding you and Devon and Boom Boom in the light on Friday. Be sure and post as soon as possible.

  2. I guess every pregnant mom shares universal feelings, because I could've written half of this post. I'm almost 16 weeks and I'm so anxious/excited about my 20 week ultrasound. I have these awful fears that my baby is sick or doesn't have limbs or has some awful condition. I wonder if it's my intuition or just paranoia and/or the strong desire for my baby to be healthy?

    Also, I'm right there with you re: work. I think we can blame it on pregnancy brain.

    I'm hoping to find out the sex too and I won't lie....I really, really ache for a daughter. I will love a son, for sure. But I want a little girl. I feel like a horrible mother thinking it, but I think most mommies prefer to have one over the other. But we love them no matter what.

    Good luck with everything and hang in there!

  3. So much exciting stuff. It's fantastic that you can feel BoomBoom moving. Around 19/20 weeks was when Nutella started feeling it, and just a few days later, I felt movement from the outside, too.

    We really wanted a girl and I'm so glad we found out what the sex was so I could have time to mentally prepare for a boy. Honestly, I love him to pieces and a lot of the time I find myself being thankful he was NOT a girl (and at 3 years old, I don't see any major differences beyond the "bits"). Anyway, you are going to love your child regardless, but having that extra time to prepare is a good thing :)

  4. Just wanted to echo not being too hard on yourself about bonding. Finding out the sex definitely helped me bond (just being able to say "she" and "her" made K seem more human, I think) and then more intense kicking and movement helped me bond more, especially when I knew where the feet and butt and head all were and always when she was hiccuping (such a outside-the-womb-person kind of thing). Even with the baby being born and around for three and half weeks, I honestly can't say that I always feel 100% bonded to her - we're still learning! And sometimes I feel bad about that, because so many people talk about how they were suddenly connected in this amazing way to this amazing creature and that was not entirely my experience. For me, I'm growing into it. And I'm going to say that that's okay! :)

  5. So exciting to get that ultrasound! And I think it's completely reasonable to expect some anxious dreams. Also, don't guilt yourself over wanting a specific gender. Have you seen the "Pregnant Women are Smug" video on youtube? Taking it with a huge grain of salt, it is comedy at all, the very best line is one about caring if it's a boy or a girl. I don't know or read anyone like that - especially you - but I hope you get a laugh out of it!

  6. I'd say that if you want to breastfeed, go for it! There has been lots of research into all of the junk that passes through breastmilk--but the benefits seem to outweigh the risks, as far as i can tell. And like others have said--don't feel too worried about the bonding. i found that being kicked and feeling the baby moved made her seem a lot more real to me, but it took several weeks of getting to know each other before we really 'fell in love', as it were. Some people might feel that way the instant their kid is born, but my wife and I definitely didn't--it took some time.

  7. I’m really excited that you are going to tell us the gender! Knowing that is one of my favorite things, makes it so much easier to imagine (for me at least) a real live little person! I REALLY wanted a girl, but the minute I heard the doctor say boy, I wasn’t sad at all, I was so happy. Glad to hear from you too, been wondering how things were going.

  8. LOL, I totally bought a fetal doppler three weeks ago after having a terrible dream about the baby dying... I don't use it often, but just when I'm worried. The baby occasionally kicks it, which I think is hilarious (apparently I'm annoying him/her).

    I think you should go for the breastfeeding option too, but only if you're at peace with it. My gut tells me the benefits would outweigh the risks. That being said, I was bottle fed and my mom and I get along great! :)