Wednesday, August 22, 2012
19 weeks and an upcoming ultrasound
It's been a little while since I've written about how the pregnancy is going and this week is a big week, so I wanted to get my thoughts down. We have our 19/20 week ultrasound on Friday, which I'm so excited about and ridiculously nervous about too. I had a horrible nightmare last night that we went to the ultrasound and found out the baby was dead. Haven't been able to shake that feeling since this morning.
Physically, I'm beginning to get more and more uncomfortable. I've gained over 15 pounds already, and definitely feeling that. I'm relatively small to begin with, so the additional weight is a bit tough - especially on my feet, which have had issues for years.
We are 19 weeks pregnant, so next Tuesday will mark the halfway mark. I'm feeling pretty good about that.
A few surprises lately:
1) On the weekend, my left boob was hurting SO much - like a pulsing pain - and I couldn't figure out why. The only thing that would help was when I put pressure on it. It came and went all day and I didn't even really put too much thought into the "why" until I went bra shopping that day and took off my old bra to see that I was leaking collostrum out of one breast. Totally didn't know it could happen this early (and didn't know there was pain associated with it), so just stood there staring at it. Still haven't bought pads, but if things keep up, they'll be a necessity soon.
2) This is a few weeks old, but I think I've been feeling BoomBoom kick. I describe it to Devon as someone popping bubble wrap paper deep inside of me. I felt it about 3 or 4 days in a row a week and a half ago, but nothing since, which is kind of freaky. However, last night, Devon put her mouth on my tummy and started to talk to the baby, and I swear it started moving. Whether or not they can really hear that well at this point, it was a nice feeling.
We saw our reproductive psychiatrist late last week. It was nice to finally talk about all the hypotheticals now that we're pregnant and things aren't so hypothetical any more. She was very impressed with how much I've cut down on my meds. She warned me about some potential changes in the third trimester due to increased blood flow and the liver functioning faster than usual - that my medications will be processed faster and therefore the effects won't be as strong (bad for me). She often sees mood changes in late pregnancy due to this. I would love to come down on one particular medication, which passes through breast milk at a higher rate than the others (though no research has been able to find any adverse effects on the child), but I'm not sure if I'd be able to. I figure it ain't broke right now so there's nothing to be fixed... and it's not a great time to play around with things.
She said we could talk about breastfeeding closer to the due date, but I told her I really needed to now. I want to mourn the loss if I can't, and if I can, I want to be as prepared as possible. The bottom line is that I'll be able to, if I choose to. The good news is, the medications I'm on has not been shown to affect the child negatively through breast milk. The bad news is, not a heck of a lot of research has been done on my particular combination. In Canada, children are not monitored through blood tests to see what's in their systems, so it would be by observation only. Basically, if I want no risk, I should formula feed. But if I formula feed, there are concerns about my lack of bonding to the baby (not that formula-fed kids are not bonded with their mothers... more that depressed moms need more opportunities - like breastfeeding - to bond with their babies). I'm still on the fence, but I want to breastfeed so badly. I'm scared that it's a selfish choice though. I have a couple more months to decide, but not being able to is going to break my heart. She essenitally said go for it, but I have to get there myself first.
I'm finding it tough to concentrate on work these days and I do feel like I've "checked out" a bit, which is a bit concerning, but I'm just so exhausted and can't put two sentences together. Plus, summer is slow and I'm not in the mood to make work. I'm in a bit of a slump work-wise.
My anxiety is pretty high and I'm hoping that on Friday, after we see that everything is A-OK with BoomBoom from the ultrasound, I can stop thinking that I may be carrying a very sick child inside of me. And fuck it - I ordered a doppler on eBay the other day so I'm hoping that will help ease the "oh my god, s/he's dead" feelings when/if they come.
We will be finding out the sex, but we're telling everyone that we're not finding out. We just want it to be a surprise for other people, but feel we would like to know. We also don't want the gender issue to enter into all conversations. I think finding out will help me bond (which I'm still struggling with at times). I will let the blogging community know the sex, but Devon and I are only telling one person each in real life. I am also hoping that finding out now will help with my "preference" of having one sex over another (I want to not care, but I kind of do! Feeling awful about that).
Hopefully my next post will include a healthy pic of my little BoomBoom.