Crazy Lesbian Mom

Today's IUI

2012-02-22T16:14:00.000-08:00

Today's IUI was okay. Actually, it was incredibly painful. More than any other IUI I've had before. We've had one of two nurses for all of our IUIs and one somehow makes it painless, and the other - the one we had today - does not have that ability. I was a little sad when I saw her walk into the room (she is awesome otherwise).

The nurse had trouble "finding" where to put the syringe today, so after a while of her inserting things into me, I had to prop my butt up on my hands so that she had a better view. Everything was uncomfortable. The nurse always warns me that I'm going to feel pressure, but it's more than just pressure. Devon asked me what it felt like and the only way I could really describe it was that it feels like an electric shock right in my core. I guess it's the nerve endings...? Anyone? Bueller?

At least it is over relatively quickly, though today with the hiding uterus, it was longer than usual. I have bled quite a lot since this morning. There is still blood when I wipe (sorry, TMI). It's tough because I so want to be "in the moment" during the IUIs, and to look into Devon's eyes as it is happening, but all I could do today was shut my eyes super tight and squeeze the hell out of Devon's hand. I have a very high pain tolerance, so this is all a bit surprising to me.

As the nurse (who we haven't seen since November) walked in the room, she said, "What are you guys still doing here, you should be pregnant by now!" It was meant to be lighthearted and funny, but it felt like a bit of a burn. She did follow it up with a "well, today's going to be the one," so that is what I chose to focus on. She's actually incredibly supportive and lovely and jokes around with us quite a bit, so I got over myself pretty fast.

I've taken the day off and have managed to rest, without even checking my work email, all day. It's lovely. Devon and I were supposed to go and see our new nephew today (Dev has yet to meet him), but I got a text from my brother that they were at the hospital with him. He has yet to keep down any food. He's had nothing to eat in his three short days on earth. They are running some tests now. Poor thing. He'll be fine, but it's scary.

Instead, tonight we will continue to build our vision board. We wanted to have some visual aids to inspire us and remind us of our dreams, so I did it the new media way and made some pregnancy and newborn boards on Pintrest. Cutest newborn pics ever.

So another 2WW begins..........

IUI Tomorrow: Contenders Ready!

2012-02-21T19:58:00.000-08:00

So we are back at another mid-cycle and are ready to try again.

Things have been pretty normal, I guess. I am back on Clomid this round. Today is CD14 and I hadn't tested positive with the OPKs so asked to go in to check where I was at (I ovulate anywhere between CD12 and CD17).

One of the docs started the u/s on the left side, where there were four follicles - one of which was decently sized (25"). So I was happy. Then she moved to my right and I had two more mature follicles at 24" and 26". I freaked out a little bit, but was told, considering my uterine lining is not thick (thanks to the Clomid), my chances of triplets are few and far between. Anyone had more than three or four contenders and ended up with one baby? Please??

My RE gave me a script for Ovidrel and I walked to the pharmacy before heading back to a bathroom stall at work to inject it. I was kind of rushing because I'd already missed a bit of work and had some deadlines. As I was pulling off the top of the cap, I slipped and stabbed myself in the hand with the needle. Holy crap, there was a lot of blood. The needle bent and I was terrified that it wouldn't work, but managed to get the majority of it into my tummy fat. Once the needle was out, I spent 5 minutes trying to clean up the bathroom. If people knew how sexy this lesbian baby-making thing was, they'd be blown away.

Work today was horrible and I realized as I left early that I'm not doing well there right now. My colleague has four days left before her mat leave starts and we haven't even started interviewing for a replacement. Ergo ipso facto, my work is going to double starting next week. It's year-end and my manager wants me to spend $30k on a project that I don't believe in (extensive "band-aid solution" changes to our website, when we can get a really nice brand new one for $30k) and needs all sorts of quotes, documentation and plans to present to the president this week. I was feeling quick sick (nauseous, crampy, sweaty, chest pain) today and because I was planning on calling in sick tomorrow, I did something I never do and told her needed to go home, right before a big one-on-one meeting about these projects. I don't want to deal with the stress right before/after a possible conception tomorrow and I knew that after this afternoon's meeting, my work load would be impossible and I would feel extra guilty for not coming in tomorrow. Like I don't have guilt right now.

After physically leaving the office, my heartbeat returned to normal, I stopped sweating, my nausea went away and I began to feel much better. I think work stress is affecting me far more than I realize. Unfortunately, I don't know how I can change that. It's going to be a shit show when I return on Thursday, but I can't let my head go there right now.

We're really excited for tomorrow and feel good about this IUI.

If we get pregnant this cycle, our baby will be due exactly 9 months and 3 days after our new nephew, my brother's baby, who was born on Sunday. He's gorgeous. He brings the count to 3 nieces and 3 nephews, so I am feeling rather balanced and blessed.

The cost of paying for the family I've always wanted

2012-02-14T21:08:00.000-08:00

A scary thing happened this week. I was getting all my banking in order to pay my bills for the 15th. I got paid on Friday, so all was like any other month... I had the money in my account, so took care of mortgage payment, phone bill, hydro, etc.

I have $98 left over in my chequings account to hold me over until my next pay cheque in two weeks.

These two weeks include a $100 doctor's appointment, a $50 hair cut (I can't see right now my hair is in my face) and getting together with friends for dinner - something I set up weeks ago. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to swing it. [Good thing I haven't paid into those RRSPs yet this year...?]

Right now, I have an account specifically for TTC costs, which is separate from the above account. I saved for about three years, and was able to save close to $10,000. We have already blown through more than 75% of that money. We're only 6 months in.

We have a shitload of debt to deal with outside of this. I married into about $30,000 debt (unfortunate circumstances) and we have been paying that off in the form of a bank loan for the last 4 years. We still have more than a year to go before it's gone. We owe our strata $5,000 for upgrades. We owe $2,000 on our car.

I owe my father close to $8,000 for emergency money that I had to go to him for. I hate owing my father. Hate hate hate it.

Unfortunately, with the amount of debt that Devon has and has had for years, she is unable to save anything to help with this process, so the costs of TTC has fallen solely into my realm of responsibility. I was okay with that for a while, but I am realizing it is not sustainable. Not if we have to do this for much longer. About 30% of my salary (net) goes to TTC costs. And I don't have a measly salary. Though it feels that way now.

So what happens if we have to keep going? Do we just create more debt? I can't imagine stopping just because we run out of money, but how fucked up is that? There is nothing else in the world that you would pay $1,000 for on the off chance (10-15%) that you'd end up with what you wanted. That's up to a 90% failure rate. And that's just IUI. With IVF, we're looking at about $10,000.

I find that the emotional investment is far more of a struggle than the financial one, and is the only one you listen to through this process. The costs associated with building a family (that most people get for free!) this way makes my stomach turn.

When my family moved to Canada from the UK, we came here with very little money. My parents were incredibly frugal and as a result, I am frugal too - sometimes to a fault. I do not spend money on myself, other than necessities. I don't treat myself. Wherever possible, I save. Right or wrong, there are times when I see debt as failure - even "healthy" debt. It just scares me so much. Especially in this day and age, and especially as the city I live in has just been named the most expensive city to live in in North America (recently surpassing every single US state).

We are selling our condo and we're going to rent somewhere "cheap" for a while (cheap in this city is $1,800/month for an 800 sq ft apartment). It is no longer worth it to own anything here. We won't make money on our place, but I'm hoping to god we break even, after all the realtor/legal/moving costs.

It scares me that I have no idea what is going to happen once we've blown through the rest of the TTC money.

Not a nice feeling. Not a nice feeling at all.

Antidepressants: Safe During Pregnancy?

2012-02-12T11:47:00.000-08:00

I came across a good news article the other day, which I am going to post in its entirety here, as I think its important for people to read. These are the thoughts that go through my head daily. What will I be doing to my future child, when I take antidepressants during pregnancy? The literature out there is all over the place, and each "side" has a strong and valid voice. You can find the original article here. It quotes someone from Motherisk, which is a fantastic resource (for more than just mental health), found here.

Antidepressants and pregnancy

Women must consider the impact of drugs on baby, and of depression on baby, themselves

Upon learning they are pregnant, most women dutifully nix the alcohol, sushi and caffeine.
But what about antidepressants?

Headlines about the potential risks of antidepressants on a developing fetus, including miscarriage, premature birth and newborn breathing problems, have produced angst for many moms on medication. But of greater concern, some experts say, are the harmful effects of untreated depression on the baby, including low birth weight, irritability and developmental delays.

"There's no path that's really risk-free," said Pec Indman, a San Jose, Calif.-based therapist who specializes in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. "Illness has risk, and treatment has risk."

Which is riskier, of course, is the tough question.

Dozens of studies exploring the safety of antidepressants during pregnancy, especially the popular class of antidepressants known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs, have yielded mixed results and suffered from design limitations.

A chief limitation is that it's not clear whether adverse outcomes are the fault of the medication or the depression itself, said Dr. Kimberly Yonkers, professor of psychiatry and of obstetrics, gynecology and reproductive services at Yale School of Public Health.

So far the most consistent data have linked antidepressants with preterm delivery, though studies haven't shown any long-term effects on the child, Yonkers said. A study last year that linked antidepressant use in the first trimester with a fourfold increase in the chance of a child having autism was met with a flurry of warnings from experts to not read into the findings, as it was the first and only study to make the association and there were methodological weaknesses.

One of the more common consequences of antidepressant exposure to babies is post-delivery withdrawal-like symptoms, including tremors, respiratory problems, feeding difficulties and jitteriness. In a 2006 Israeli study published in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, a third of the antidepressant-exposed babies experienced such symptoms, compared with none in the control group, though most symptoms resolved themselves within a few days.

Other potential dangers pose a very small risk.

Writing last month in the British Medical Journal, European researchers found that taking SSRIs during the second half of pregnancy can more than double the risk that newborns will develop persistent pulmonary hypertension, a condition that prevents babies from getting enough oxygen into their bloodstream and, if severe, can result in multiple organ damage and death.

But that means the risk jumps from 1.2 in 1,000 babies to 3 in 1,000 babies, which is still very rare.

To compare, the risk of any woman developing a blood clot during pregnancy is 2 in 1,000 and of having a stillbirth is 6 in 1,000, said Dr. Avi Patil, who specializes in maternal-fetal medicine at Duke University Medical Center.

"Many more women will have depression in pregnancy that needs to be treated than will have this adverse event," said Patil, who in December published a review article in the journal Obstetrical and Gynecological Survey examining data on common antidepressants taken during pregnancy.

Left untreated, depression itself could harm gestating babies. Babies born to depressed moms have shown elevated cortisol levels and reduced serotonin levels, plus depressed moms are less likely to seek regular prenatal care or take prenatal vitamins and more likely to smoke or drink alcohol, Indman said. They also are more likely to experience postpartum depression, hampering their ability to interact with their new baby, which can interfere with development.

Studies have associated depressed moms with preterm delivery, low birth weight and low Apgar scores (a test to measure the health of a newborn). Untreated anxiety has been linked to babies with inconsolable crying, sleep problems and developmental delays, Indman said.

Women with mild depression might consider gradually tapering off their medication dose before they conceive (if they have the luxury of planning) or in the third trimester (if they don't) to decrease the risk of withdrawal symptoms in the newborn, Patil said. But if it's likely the mom will relapse, it's best to stay on. He recommends patients seek guidance from their OB-GYN and mental health providers to determine the best course of action, including alternative therapies.

It's never a good idea to discontinue medication abruptly. In a 2000 study of women who stopped taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills upon learning they were pregnant, 70 per cent reported adverse physical or psychological effects, 30 per cent had suicidal thoughts and 10 per cent were admitted to hospitals.

"It was pretty sad," said study co-author Adrienne Einarson, a nurse who has published extensively on the topic. "It can be more harmful for women not to be treated, but no one seems to look at it that way."

Einarson, who is semiretired as assistant director of Motherisk, a counseling service for pregnant women based at The Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto, worries the stigma and misinformation about the risks might dissuade women from taking medication they need. Injury lawyers haven't helped; last year, a family won a $2.5 million settlement from GlaxoSmithKline after a jury found it negligent for not warning the mom's physician of the risks of taking Paxil during her pregnancy. Her son was born with a heart defect.

Several studies have linked paroxetine, the generic form of Paxil, to heart malformations, but others have found no greater risk, Einarson said.

"Now they're going to think for the rest of their lives that it was her fault because she took Paxil," she said.

© Copyright (c) McClatchy-Tribune Information Services

Picked up off the floor

2012-02-10T12:35:00.000-08:00

Hi all.

I just wanted to thank you so much for your support after this week's BFN. Because I've belonged to this community for two years and have followed many of your journeys, there are times when I feel that I have no right to complain in writing the way I'm feeling, as it may come across as trite and disrespectful to those of you who have been trying for a hell of a lot more than 6 months.

But, once again, I was overwhelmed by your acceptance that yes, trying for 6 months sucks, regardless of what others are going through. So thank you. It's much appreciated.

I feel better today and I'm trying to focus on the month ahead. Hopefully the re-introduction to Clomid and ultrasounds and trigger shots will help. But who knows.

So far, TTCing has not had a negative effect on either my relationship or my mental health, both of which actually surprise me. Yes, I get sad when we get a BFN, but it's not like I lose my shit and spiral into a deep depression. My sadness is real-people sadness, nothing more. With all of the relationship problems that were there at the beginning of this journey, I assumed we would keep having trouble throughout the TTC process. But Devon has almost been more excited about this process than I have. During my 2WWs, when the alarm goes off in the morning, she'll spoon me and put her hand on my tummy and talk to the (potential) baby and won't let me leave the bed until she's filled me with good, fertile energy. She buys baby onesies that we hang from our mantel so that we can be reminded that we will have someone to put in them soon. She reminds me to drink water, take vitamins, sleep and relax. She’s awesome. It is like night and day from when we started this. TTCing has actually been good for our relationship so far. That may change the deeper we get into the process (and the deeper into debt), but for now, I’ll take it.

I’ve been impressed with the mental health side of things too. I feel as though I have a really good grip on things, and am not lying to myself or anyone else about how I’m feeling just so I can go ahead and get my baby. I’ve been honest and smart about this process, and though I would love to come off more meds, for right now, I’ve done all that I can. And I’m proud of myself for that.

The potential for depression during pregnancy and for post-partum depression is going to be the big test, I think. It’s scary, scary stuff. It’s far enough away that it’s not constantly on my mind, but it’s something that I have to give some thought to, and prepare for (or at least prepare my very well-structured support network). The increased risk of miscarriage while on anti-depressants is quite scary too, but I can’t let myself go there, and I won’t at this point.

I will pick myself up from this last disappointment and try to be as positive and inviting as I can be. Whether that makes a difference or not, I don’t know, but it’s better than not believing.

Thank you for helping me feel supported.

And the answer is.........

2012-02-08T17:42:00.000-08:00

No.

We tested with a home pregnancy test at 5 this morning before the official blood test and it was negative. Figured we'd do the blood work to prolong the pain/make sure. That came back this afternoon as negative.

This sucks.

We've been officially TTC-ing for 6 months now (which includes the miscarriage and forced break). Half a year, which I know to many of you feels like no time at all, and I imagine many of you have had to deal with many 6 months of infertility piled back-to-back on top of each other. I understand that in the TTC world, 6 months is nothing, but today, it feels like an eternity. And today, I will let it feel like an eternity. Because I'm very sad today.

Devon and I commute to work together, and on the way home today, she asked me if there was anything else we could be doing. The shitty thing is, the answer is no. And that's what I hate. We are doing everything we can right now, and we are getting nowhere. Drink more raspberry tea? Sure. Not sure it's going to make a huge difference, but that's about all I got.

Tomorrow, I have to go out and pick up presents for my best friend's baby shower, which is on Sunday. I feel like pretending I'm sick on Sunday so I miss it, but I also know that I can't do that to my best friend. I will go. I will celebrate. I will swallow my pain and ooh and aah at the cute baby things. That's what a best friend would do. I'm just going to have to put some walls up by the weekend.

I'm sorry guys - please forgive the pity party. Things will get better and in two weeks we get to try again and all of this will be forgotten. I'm just having a really tough time with this today. I really thought this new donor/new attitude would reward us plentifully. And today, today is very difficult.

I came across a news story about infertility today while I was working (I work in healthcare PR/communications) which struck a chord with me. I wanted to write out the last paragraph, which lists what not to say to someone struggling with infertility. It's a good read and a good reminder:

What not to say

As if infertility weren’t harsh enough, sufferers can become objects of pity, blame and unwelcome advice, says Pamela Tsigdinos, author of Silent Sorority: A (Barren) Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found. Here’s her list of five things not to say to an infertile couple.

“Your day will come.” (It may not.)

“Just relax.” (That stresses people out more.)

“I know a couple who gave up trying to have a baby and just after filing for adoption, the woman got pregnant.” (Miracle stories may not apply.)

“You can have my kids.” (Glib comments dismiss the pain.)

“Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.” (Ouch.)

The best response, Ms. Tsigdinos says, is “I’m sorry, it must be really difficult.”

And yeah, things seem really difficult today.

One More Sleep

2012-02-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, I'm 14DPO, my period was due today and hasn't come, and I haven't yet tested to see if I'm pregnant. And I won't. Not tonight.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm really really looking forward to testing, but we have consciously tried to keep this nonchalant attitude this month. I haven't been super positive about being pregnant, but I've also not given up hope just because we didn't do it with all the bells and whistles of Clomid and ultrasounds and hCG shots. This was one of the most "natural" rounds we've had. And that's pretty funny to say, considering everything.

We'll be going in for a beta test first thing tomorrow morning and I'll know by the afternoon for sure. We may take a HPT in the morning just so I can actually not spend the day freaking out and waiting. The only "symptoms" I've had are several days of cramping, which could be premenstrual or something else completely. Other than that, nada. But a girl can dream, right?

Work is better, and my mood has improved. My workload has actually almost doubled in the last week, but I'm doing work I love so when it's this kind of busy, I thrive. I could do without the stress of deadlines, but that's all part and parcel. My boss is being a little more human this week, and I've been feeling a lot more confident in my abilities, which is huge. I talked to my shrink last week about my mood and we both agreed that it was more specific to my work situation. I think it was a shitty week rather than red flags, which makes me feel incredibly relieved.

Despite my wanting to continue to drop the doses of my existing medications, my shrink has said that it's time to stop. I have not been on so few medications since before I was diagnosed, but I still want to keep going - for the health of this child. I asked him whether I could take one medication out of the factor completely, but he's hesitant to let me, as he still thinks the low dose is significant to the cocktail. I'm a bit disappointed, but I trust him. I also know that I shouldn't be making any major changes during the pregnancy, but I'm confident that what I've done so far is enough for a healthy pregnancy. I'd like it to be a perfectly unmedicated healthy pregnancy, but this is what I can do. And I always said - what I can do, I will.

Now, bring on the test results!

Red Flags or a Shitty Day?

2012-01-31T20:08:00.000-08:00

I have learned over the last 15 years since my diagnosis to be painfully aware of any sort of "slippage" because it can literally mean life or death. Though I don't expect to - or hope to - be suicidal ever again, it's not just my life I have to worry about any more. There may be another on board right now. And if next week when I take a home pregnancy test and it comes out negative, there will be another on board soon.

Last month I lowered my anti-convulsants and was terrified my seizures would return. So far, they have not. I did experience a bit of anxiety when I was in Mexico, which has ceased since I've been home. Not sure what that was about. Overall, I've felt as though my mood is okay, but here's the thing:

I keep fucking up at work. Although I work in a hospital environment, I'm not saving lives, so it's not as though my mistakes are killing anybody, but it doesn't look good... nor feel good. I've let projects slip through the cracks, I've been less than enthusiastic about my portfolio, I don't actually really care about work. Which is so not like me.

I'm generally really good at my job. I have been called out a few times over the last week since I've been back from vacation for not being creative enough in planning, not taking initiative, and today, for totally not thinking through an email I sent to an exec asking for help... it was pointed out to me (by my manager, spurred on by the exec's response) that my tone was off and no wonder she refuses to help at all.

Due to negative feedback (internal and external), I've lost confidence in simple things that I used to be good at. I'm not a people person when it comes to work (though I am in comfortable, social situations) and I've been shying away from dealing with people. Which is my job. I work in Communications, for god's sake, and I can't communicate.

So, this has been going on for a week, and I'm trying to figure out whether this behaviour is a red flag, or whether I'm just having a shitty week. Or whether I got too relaxed and detached on my vacation. And whether I can ever get it out of my head that, "Oh well. In 9 months, I'll be on may leave anyway..."

I hope to call it a shitty week and move on, but if I've learned anything over this past decade and a half, it is that I have to pay close attention to stuff like this, because it can be very telling. I see my shrink tomorrow morning for the first time in 6 weeks (I realized today that this has been the longest time I have ever had without therapy since I was 17), so I'll be going over medication changes then. But I just really need to know what's going on... and that it will pass. Soon. It has to.

In TTC news, it's been 7 days my last insem and I have no symptoms. Nada. The good news is, I keep forgetting about the possibility, so it isn't constantly on my mind. If we aren't pregnant this month, next month is going to be our last attempt before we come up with a long-term plan, whatever that means. Hopefully we won't have to go there. I really don't want to go through an IVF cycle if we can help it.

In HAPPY news, Crazy Lesbian Mom won first place in the Canadian Weblog Awards in the category of Best LGBTQ Blog in Canada. I'm very honoured and thank everyone involved for the opportunity. I'm sorry this isn't much of a "winning post," but I am thrilled... just had to get these thoughts out of my body.

Take care, everyone.

The Value of Conception: What's Important?

2012-01-27T16:22:00.000-08:00

There were no clinic rooms available for the scheduled IUI this week, so we had to use an old office with a medical exam table jammed into the corner of it, with stirrups that didn’t pull out so I lay like a frog, the light wouldn’t stay shining on my goods so Devon had to hold it for the nurse, and there was no regular speculum around so they used a smaller one (which actually worked out well for me). Ah, the joys of trying to get pregnant in a not-for-profit clinic in an old, run-down public hospital.

I may be in the minority, but I would actually prefer to go somewhere like that, instead of a top-notch clinic that spends my money on overpriced equipment and ambiance. I’m not there to soak in the views or spend time looking at art. I’m there to get knocked up. I’m there to form relationships with the staff, and I have had such amazing experience with that staff. They are public health nurses, and probably get paid half of what a technician in a fancy-schmantzy private clinic would, but they truly love their jobs, and I appreciate that more than I can say.

The price I pay for service is just as expensive as if we were to go to a private clinic, but I want my money to go to an organization that I believe in – and I believe in this one wholeheartedly. As clinical as this process is, the reality of the situation is that a near-stranger is there for the conception of my child. And though I know sperm doesn’t immediately enter the egg and become a baby right then and there, it’s still a very special couple of minutes. I care who I share those minutes with. Although I wish it could only be Devon and me, we will always have a third wheel, and I’m glad that this week our third wheel is an eccentric nurse of 40 years who makes us laugh (under our breath) at how batty she is. [As she was putting the boys inside of me on Wednesday, she told me that if our donor was infected with HIV, freezing his sperm would get rid of it, “so not to worry” but if he had TB, we were in trouble].

Maybe it’s because I have a soft spot for nurses, having basically been brought up by them in my late teens when I lived in the psych ward. Maybe I just don’t want to stare at a piece of art or office plant and wonder whether the hard-earned blood money that I’m putting into this process paid for that instead of something more practical. Maybe it's because money and things have never been that important to me, outside of survival.

Throughout our appointments over the past year, I feel as though the staff have become a type of family. We haven’t even been TTCing for that long, but we are already treated like family. We get hugs after our procedures. We get very personal phone calls when it’s a “no, not this time”. The receptionist gives us recipe ideas. We are offered cake after a staff member’s birthday party. When looking through the baby book where past patients have placed baby photos, we are reminded that our baby will be there soon.

Is it the most comfortable place in the world? No. Would I rather look up at white ceilings instead of water-stained boards? Maybe. Would I rather not have to wait for one of the two clinic rooms so that the procedures could be done faster? Not if it meant speeding through a process that constantly reminds me to slow down and say, “Holy shit… we’re creating a life here.”

Awards and IUIs, in that Order

2012-01-24T19:02:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to report that we are back safely from Mexico and were not one of the handful of Canadians who were murdered or attacked there over the last little while. I was actually surprised at the flak I got at work for choosing that location to go on vacation. I've never been one to cower away from something on the "off chance," though I have to say, the latest beating of the 37-year-old Albertan staying at a 5-star resort in Mazatlan did get to me. I hope she's going to be okay.

The few weeks were fantastic and the only thing I missed was blogging and reading blogs. I managed to keep up a bit with your blogs and got at least one post in, but I'm happy that I'll be back to my regular programming. I hope to blog more in 2012 than I have in years before.

I came back to some pretty cool news, and please don't mind me as I gloat a bit. I don't do it often. If you want to skim this part, I do touch on my IUI tomorrow (!) after these next two paragraphs of the post.

My blog was nominated last year for the Ninjimatics' 2011 Canadian Weblog Awards and I found out today that Crazy Lesbian Mom made the shortlist in all three categories that I was entered into: Best Weblog About Family & Parenting, Best Weblog About Health & Wellness, and Best LGBTQ Weblog. The most fabulous part about this whole thing was that the initial nomination was a surprise. I have no idea who nominated me, and considering I don't have a (real life) friend in the world who knows that I write this blog, it was a true reader, which feels pretty cool.

It is an honour to be in each of those categories: I'm extremely stoked about the Health & Wellness, as not a ton of other nominees were mental health related (and even fewer about reproductive mental health), I'm ridiculously honoured to represent the LGTBQ community, and quite honestly, the fact that a blog about a not-yet-but-soon-to-be-mother made the Family & Parenting was a finalist really makes me so proud of this venture. There were 85 blogs in that category, and I think it's incredible that they would consider a blog about family - never mind one with two moms - from someone who doesn't yet have one (in the conventional sense... I always consider Devon my family). I have a lot of respect for that. Winners will be announced in the next week or so. I'm excited to hear the final results and feel very lucky to be in this position.

Okay, done now. Thanks for sticking with.

Now onto regular programming. Before vacation, I was wondering whether I should potentially waste a round of Clomid on a cycle that we may miss due to being away. Devon and I decided that we would not use Clomid this month. I thought that if I was taking it, in some respect, I would be thinking about TTC, and all I wanted to do while I was away was forget about it.

And I did. It hardly passed through my thoughts. Of course, I thought about having a baby, but I have to say how awesome it felt not to shove my fingers up my vajayjay three times a day to check whether my cervical mucous looked like eggwhites. Not having to take my temperature while stiff as a corpse at 4 am was a treat (what? I can lift my head off the pillow as soon as I wake up?). I didn't even take my prenatal vitamins that often (gasp!). I was FREE! I did, however, use OPKs to test for ovulation starting at CD 10.

We got back at midnight last night and we were up at 5:30 this morning. I couldn't test this morning at home, so I packed up my OPKs and tested in a washroom stall at work. Always fun. I don't know why I was surprised to see the annoying happy face, as it smiled right on time, but I was.

Tomorrow will be the first IUI where we have not had an ultrasound beforehand. No Clomid, no cervical fluids, and no temps... we are totally going into this one blind. It is our first IUI with our new donor and perhaps because I am still in vacation mode, I have a very passive attitude about this one, and not in a bad way, I don't think.

If it happens, it happens. My expectations aren't necessarily low, they just aren't high, and I'm okay with that. Yes, it would be fantastic to get pregnant, and I hope I do, but for the first time ever, I don't feel that chest-tightening pressure. Good job, Mexico.

Will this change? Probably. But for now, I'll enjoy it. Maybe I'll even take a prenatal vitamin tonight before bed.

As this post is already long, I will save my mental health status for another day, very soon. Things are different. I feel different. Something is going on. More to come...

We're Here and We're Queer... Kind of

2012-01-16T09:09:00.000-08:00

I am writing this from a deck overlooking the Sea of Cortez in Mexico, beer on one side and a palm tree on my other side, rustling in the warm breeze. Devon and I are on our first vacation in over two years and are enjoying every minute of it. Our neighbour from home texted us a picture of our hometown today, covered in wet snow. I like it here.

What I didn’t expect on the trip here was my anxiety at customs around choosing whether to declare that I was traveling with a family member or not. Although I have no problem being out with US or Canada customs agents, we decided (or did I force Devon to?) that we would pretend, if questioned, that we were traveling together as friends. Not that they are stupid here, but it just felt safer in this very conservative Catholic country that we are visiting. Although Devon and I are married, neither of us took the other’s last name, so although it felt a little wrong, it was the easy thing to do.

As we left the airport to head to the place we are staying, I realized that pretty soon, we are not going to be able to have the option of pretending we are someone else, and I realized immediately after that this is not bad thing. The next time we travel outside of Canada or the US, we will hopefully be traveling with our baby. We will undeniably be a family, traveling as a threesome. And for some reason, with the addition of a little heartbeat, it would feel wrong to lie about who we are just because it feels safer to, in the moment. [But yet, isn’t safety a number one priority when you have a child to care for?]

First, let me say that we have been treated very well here and as hotel guests, it is quite obvious that we are together. Despite having to ask specifically for a room with a king bed instead of two, we have been treated as a couple. For some reason, it was tougher to handle at the border with official gun-holding, uniformed guards. Fair enough, I say, but something still doesn’t feel right about it.

I never want my child to feel as though we need to hide who we are as a family. I never want my child to think that having an “alternative” (I hate that word) family is something to be ashamed of or anxious about. I want my child to know that we are proud of who we are. That we are exactly what we should be. That family is stronger than religion or conservatism or bigotry or hate.

But my actions this week have not stemmed from pride, but from fear. So what is worse? Me judging Mexican authorities to be homo-hating monsters, or me being a shame-filled lesbian because I’m not the norm?

I think the latter.

This is hard to admit, but I still have a long way to go before I’m comfortable being a two-mom family. Yes, Mexico – and many other countries – is a bit of an exception, and I appreciate that I’m just trying to be protective here, but even back in our hometown, there are still scenarios when it is easier to walk away from the truth, like distant colleagues or clients who ask me what my husband does. Though I answer them using the word “partner,” I’m still not using the word “wife”. Because it’s easier that way. Less awkward for both parties.

But where do you draw the line? Where is the happy medium of being honest about your family without being in-your-face and loud-and-proud? I don’t want to draw attention to the fact that we’re different, but I also don’t want to pretend we’re not.

Apparently I need to figure this out before we make this two-person family a three-person family.

Decreasing another medication: Risk of epilepsy?

2012-01-02T12:48:00.000-08:00

I'm currently cutting my anticonvulsant prescription in half. Though I haven't spoken with my shrink about this (he's was away over Christmas and then I'm away when he's back), I feel confident in my decision. Doesn't mean I'm any less scared though.

Anticonvulsants also serve as mood stabilizers. I'm not worried about my mood changing... I feel as though I can keep a good eye on that. It's the convulsant part. After years of ECT treatment, which forces you to have a seizure in order to move around the gray matter in your brain (they still don't know HOW it works, but hey - why not just fuck with people's brains to give it a shot - literally), I began to have seizures on my own. Except at the time, I didn't know they were seizures, because they were hallucinatory episodes where I could predict what would happen in the following 5 minutes. Turns out they were temporal lobe seizures. On an epilepsy site which explains the different types, they do a great job of explaining what it can feel like:

"I get the strangest feeling—most of it can't be put into words. The whole world suddenly seems more real at first. It's as though everything becomes crystal clear. Then I feel as if I'm here but not here, kind of like being in a dream. It's as if I've lived through this exact moment many times before. I hear what people say, but they don't make sense. I know not to talk during the episode, since I just say foolish things. Sometimes I think I'm talking but later people tell me that I didn't say anything. The whole thing lasts a minute or two."

Except mine involved visual hallucinations of an woman on the left side of my face, who I can't really describe except to say that she was pure evil. She used to try to entice me somewhere... I still don't know where. Absolutely horrifying.

I am terrified that if I cut this medication completely, she will return, as will the epilepsy. I won't drop it off completely until I speak with my doctor at the beginning of February, but I have one more week at 75% and then in a week, I will have made it to half my dose. I have been on this medication since 2000.

I figure as I am taking a TTC break AND going on vacation, this is the best time to try. In pregnancy, the medication is relatively safe, though there has been some cases of cleft palates and cleft lips. If I can minimize that risk, all the better. It's just a scary time...

Speaking of breaks, the clinic opens again tomorrow after the Christmas break. And I don't think I've ovulated yet (forgot to test until CD14, though I'm usually about CD17. Tomorrow will be CD18). Technically, we could probably do an IUI this week before going to Mexico. Though I think I've sat with the forced break enough to be okay with it - maybe even looking forward to it. Perhaps I'll take the break and come back nice and relaxed from vacation, and get nice and knocked up on my return.

Retrospections & Questions

2011-12-29T11:19:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever else you celebrated during this holiday season.

Our Christmas lacked the drama that we were expecting, which was fantastic. We spent the day with my family - which included our five nieces and nephews (with one more due in a month). So, it was pretty crazy, but a lot of fun. We've been trying to connect with Devon's brother, but he's a bit of an absent family member, so we've yet to celebrate with him. Hopefully soon.

I'm off work this week, and I'm going on week 4 or 5 of being sick. I just can't shake this cold/sore throat/coughing thing. I'm hoping the few weeks in Mexico (in a few weeks!) will help me kick it.

This week, my job is to go through all of our possessions and purge, purge, purge so that we can get our condo ready to stage for selling. Yesterday, I took five boxes of books to a used book store and charity drop. I did two degrees - one in Creative Writing and one in English Lit - and I finally rid myself of every textbook I've ever bought through my postsecondary education. About three of the boxes were novels, some of which I've held on to for over 15 years.

Aside from the books, I've been going through some personal stuff. My parents sold our family house last year and handed off two boxes of "stuff" from my childhood, which I haven't had the emotional capacity to go through as of yet. I went through them yesterday, and had a really tough time.

I lost about 15 years of memory due to a "medical error" when I had ECT (shock therapy) in my teens and early twenties. Basically, I don't remember age six to twenty one (and how much does one really remember before age six?). I don't really remember people (unless they are still in my life), events, places of residence, well... everything. So when I'm given two boxes that cover that time period, it's like learning about myself all over again. Unfortunately, it's mostly learning about myself in the third person.

So, it's emotionally taxing, but it also helps me learn about who I once was. It's a really weird feeling reading intense letters to and from people I know very little about. It's odd to look at photographs and not be able to place myself in them. This is a feeling that I've only scraped the surface of in my writings (on and mostly off this blog), and one that I know needs a lot more realization. One of these days, I'd like to go into what it means to lose an identity and come out the other side, but for now, I will put it aside, again.

TTC is currently not on my radar, and I realized today I am currently on CD13. I suppose I will use OPKs to figure out which cycle day I ovulate this month, but we will most likely miss this cycle as the clinic does not open again until January 3rd (CD18). It's been kind of nice to be less focused on the baby and taking a break, but I wish it had been our decision instead of a forced break. We leave for Mexico on January 9th and I hope we will not be too late when we return. I'm still trying to decide whether or not to use Clomid during that cycle. There is a small chance (probably only about 10%) we will be away for when the IUI would be scheduled, but we will most likely be in town. It seems a huge waste if I take Clomid and don't end up having the IUI, but I also want to up our chances next month too. Anyone been in a similar predicament before?

Have a wonderful new years everyone... looking forward to catching up with all of you.

Christian Daddies

2011-12-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

I completed my few days of feeling resentful towards the universe and now I'm back. Thanks to all for your comments and for sticking around until I un-nailed myself from the martyr cross. I understand that it's a necessary part of this process, but damn, it can be annoying.

We ordered 4 vials of donor #2 yesterday. I'm pretty excited about him. It was a bit tough as I was doing my finances before the purchase, and realized if we don't get pregnant with any of these four samples, I can only afford to do another few rounds. If we have to move to IVF, I don't know if we'll be able to afford it. Trying not to go there for now, and hoping that a new donor will be the trick.

He's quite possibly the best looking donor we've seen in our searches. He's beautiful and amazingly eloquent in his writing. I know it's tough to go on simply words and photos alone, but we don't really have any other choice. I really, really like this dude. He's the same colouring as Devon (and the same as #1). He's a lot more of an extravert and has a stronger personality than #1, but I don't place too much emphasis on personality. I don't actually place that much emphasis on looks either... it was his writing that swayed us.

I hate to say it, but there was one thing about our first donor that didn't sit well with me. He listed a very well-known evangelical preacher as his hero. I know that shouldn't really matter, but I was trying to fast forward 18 years and picture my kid telling his biological father that his/her parents were lesbians, and it made me shudder. I know that donors must realize that they may father kids of gay parents, but it's one thing knowing that in theory and another meeting the product of such a family.

I don't really like that banks seem to place a lot of emphasis on a donor's religious beliefs. What does that have to do with an offspring, if religion is one thing that you actually CAN choose? It's not heritable. I imagine it gives other Christians in need of a donor some peace that they are involving someone in their family that holds the same beliefs, or that God must condone the purchasing of sperm if it comes from another Christian. This is coming from a girl who was involved in a born-again Baptist ~~cult~~ church for five years, so I actually do understand it, but it's a bit of a turn-off.

Our new donor is listed as a Christian. Now please understand that I know that being Christian doesn't automatically make you a bigot - I have gay friends involved in United or Angelican churches and have been known to attend a service or two myself (and enjoying them). It's the über religious that make me uncomfortable. I hope to bring up my kid to be aware of all faiths and encourage them to explore a set of beliefs that feels right to them. I also hope that if my child is 18 and wants to find its father, that religion won't be the thing that keeps them from connecting. Oh well, I have more than 18 years to ponder that. Do any of you know if donors get counseling about this sort of situation?

It's Another No

2011-12-16T13:18:00.000-08:00

This one hit pretty hard. Harder than either of the BFNs before. For numerous reasons, I guess.

We really, really believed we were pregnant this time. I honestly didn't doubt it for one second during the 2WW - even with a few early BFN HPTs. The saying "third time lucky" has to come from somewhere, right? I had definite implantation bleeding on 8dpo (after my last questionable post), I was days late for my period (cruelly, it still hasn't come), I actually got to the point where I had to go in for a real blood test to find out whether I was pregnant, and I think the hardest hit is that the clinic is closed over Christmas, when I would ovulate next, and there is no guarantee that we'll be in town for a January ovulation either. I hate forced breaks - I have no control.

We are out of donor #1 and will move onto #2 next year. This is not necessarily a bad thing - we do really like #2. It's just a tough blow. Another couple of grand will be spent to have the boys shipped to the clinic in time, just in case I ovulate late next month and can squeeze in on January 3rd. That's a good chunk of money to spend right before Christmas, and a vacation. Shitty.

I was hoping so hard for an early Christmas gift, and now it just feels like the holidays are going to feel empty. Barren, one might say.

This is one of those "woe is me" posts, which I apologize for, but sometimes they are necessary.

I hope everyone is having a good pre-holiday season.

A Mid-2WW Check-in

2011-12-07T19:58:00.000-08:00

Not a lot to report on the symptoms front. Meaning, there are none. I thought I had a few drops of implantation yesterday (5dpo), but it wasn't clear and it seemed a little bit early. My boobs aren't sore, I'm not cramping, I'm not really feeling anything out of the ordinary... but I keep telling myself that the last time I got pregnant (and didn't know I was), I didn't feel a single thing until I lost it.

I've remained pretty positive, as has Devon. She is super cute. She was at her office working 'til about 10:30 last night and when she came home, she kissed me in bed - I was half asleep - to let me know that she loves me and the baby. I like that.

I'm fighting off a cold which is knocking the wind out of me, so I'm generally not feeling well. I'm feeling the pressure of getting some work projects done before Christmas and my vacation in January. But I have to say, I love December - and the holidays in general. It's taken a long time for me to feel as though I'm able to celebrate them again. Devon has not been a fan of this time of year since essentially her entire family died, which I understand. It's just tough to not celebrate something that really was so special to me growing up. She's gotten better, now that we spend it with my family, and I imagine it will be completely different when we have a baby to celebrate with (hopefully by next Christmas).

I'm trying to decide when I want to test. I'm trying to hold out until 13dpo (exactly a week from now), but I don't know if that's feasible. Probably smart though. When did/do YOU test?

Third Time Lucky?

2011-12-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

Today went fabulously. Everything about it felt right. We had a new nurse do the insem, who was hilarious (totally not meaning to be hilarious). The staff there are incredible. I have yet to meet someone that hasn't treated us with the utmost care and respect. Pretty cool.

Devon is a crafty woman and presented me this morning with something that she made for me, for today. I've been wanting a type of locket to wear around my neck with something inside that was baby-ish and it's hard to find one. Devon is getting into clay and metal clay and made me this necklace, which is essentially wrapped as a baby blanket with a heart, and inside the blanket, a place for me to put a note to our future baby, and to keep it close to my heart and on my body today. I love it. I have the most amazing wife in the world.

I wrote out a little message to the baby and just having it around my neck made me feel so warm about everything.

In the past, the actual procedures have been quite painful, but Devon always just gets me to look at her and looks at me with a calmness and love that I can't even explain. I can't imagine doing this any other way. She's awesome. And today, the IUI didn't hurt at all. Just a wee bit of blood afterwards.

It was quite funny. I have a bladder that I can rarely empty (even if it feels empty) and I have to go pee every hour or two (even through the night). It's a neurological thing that I'm seeing doctors about, but it gets worse when I'm anxious. I was in the IUI room and the nurse entered and I said, "I have to pee again," but I was already naked from the waist down, so I threw a sheet over me and ran down the hall to pee. I kept slipping, thinking I was going to drop the sheet and give the waiting room a show. Luckily, not. Devon totally calmed me down when I got back... she's got a great grounding energy that is so important through this.

So, here we go into another 2WW. I feel very positive and I hope that stays with me through the wait. I really, really, really, really want an early Christmas present this year. How awesome would that be?

"Impressive!"

2011-11-30T20:16:00.000-08:00

As soon as the image of my ultrasound came up on the screen this morning, my RE said, "impressive!"

I've got two mother f*ckin' huge ass mature follicles - one measuring at 26 and one measuring at 25. I hadn't tested positive on my OPK, which he thought was a bit odd, considering it looks like I'm raring to go. I triggered in the Safeway parking lot on my way to another appointment. Classy.

My lining is unfortunately not as thick as they'd like, but I pretty much expected that with the Clomid. I'm hoping that it'll be strong enough to encourage one (or two?) wee somethings to stay and implant.

I'm SO happy there is not more than two follicles. I'm fine with twins, not so much with triplets or more (I wrote about my intense fears on The Next Family here).

IUI tomorrow at 11 am, and I am so very excited. Potentially even more so than the first round. Really, is that true?

I wasn't happy to hear that the clinic is closed over Christmas/New Year, when I would be ovulating next, if tomorrow doesn't work. January we are away, so if we don't get preggers this month, we could potentially have to wait until mid-February to try again. But trying not to go there. I'm feeling good about these happy little eggs.

[image source]

Heating Back Up

2011-11-29T20:04:00.000-08:00

It looks like we're going to be IUI-ing this week, thank god. The wait has not been fun. I'm CD14 right now, no positive OPKs yet, but I'm going in for an ultrasound tomorrow morning. I wish I could feel comfortable just waiting for a positive OPK and then make an appointment for the IUI the next day, but I just want to be sure. I think it threw me off that for my first IUI, I ovulated on CD13 and then the next month, I didn't get a positive but took a trigger shot at CD17 - it's a big difference, and I just want to make sure everything is hunky dory and that I don't miss it.

This is also my first cycle with Clomid, so I'd like to know what I'm up against. Are there five decent mature follicles or is there one perfect one? How many follicles does there have to be in order for an RE to cancel an IUI because of too many eggs? Nothing to worry about, but of course it's on my mind.

The Clomid has been interesting. A little taste of how it's affecting me? I woke up on Saturday and decided to make an omelette. I cut up an onion and a pepper and then went into the fridge for eggs and realized that there were none. And I almost punched a hole through the wall with how angry it made me. Devon came in and put up her hands as targets and told me to punch her to get it out of me (bless her) and I refused to hit. So she called me a pussy. And then I cried. Awesome.

Luckily, for the most part, I've been able to laugh at myself. I've also been sleeping naked (which I always do) but with the covers completely off and no heat on in the room. It's Canada. It's cold. It's around the freezing mark and I'm boiling.

We've decided to go with donor #1 instead of spending all the money on a new donor. If we get pregnant this round, fantastic! If not, we will change donors and go from there. We still love our #1 guy though, despite my naturopath's "warning".

I just want to do it now, now, now! Damn this whole woman and nature thing...

Adding Clomid & Other Ponderings...

2011-11-22T20:50:00.000-08:00

I'm on day three of Clomid, and I'm happy to say that so far, the side-effects are almost non-existent. After reading a ton, I decided to take them at 7pm, so that I could sleep through the worst of it, and it's worked.

I can't tell if my mood is a result of the Clomid, or if I'm just having a very emotional, weepy day. My boss was just mean, mean, mean today. Well, she probably wasn't that bad, and it was probably just me, but it was one of those days where I felt as though she just wanted to get across that I was awful at my job and didn't deserve to be there. She sent a few snarky emails, engaged in a snarky phone call or two, and was generally just... snarky. I love absolutely everything about my job, except her. It's too bad, really.

I could tell it was a little more than that though, when I turned on the 6 o'clock news and saw a replay of Crosby scoring a goal in last night's hockey game after 10 months off with a concussion. He doesn't even play for "my" team and the game wasn't against "my" team. And I already heard on the radio that he'd scored... but apparently it's a whole different thing to see it on the box. Oy.

It's been interesting lately though. I've been so caught up with TTCing, and I haven't actually spent that much time pondering my health. I was telling my mum the other day that for the the first time in my life, I don't feel like I have a mental illness. It's taken a back seat. I don't feel "sick" - which is huge for me. I have been sick for so long and I can't even remember a time where I've been healthy (literally - I lost 15 years of memory and have very few memories before the age of 21).

It definitely feels like a new stage and I'm very grateful. Just this past week though, I've been feeling pretty raw, and on top of that, I actually had a panic attack at work a few weeks ago and had to go home. I recently cut back one of my anti-depressants again and I'm not sure if that's what's changed, but I'll keep an eye on it, of course. I do not want to raise my meds again, and I will do everything else I can do before having to go there. This is just so complicated. And as much as I'm so excited to TTC, it's so much pressure. I've been doing pretty well with it, but it's just... so much.

So, compared with what I've known, I'm doing amazing. Is my mood slipping a bit? Perhaps. And that's the tough part too: because I have been SO sick, my reasoning around healthy vs not is very skewed. Some might think that having a panic attack at work, feeling upset for a week or so, crying at the news and not being able to handle work pressure is reason for concern. Me? I just think, "Well, I don't want to off myself or cut half of my forearm open, so I must be okay". I think I need to readjust my thinking to a more realistic view of health.

As they may say on icanhascheezburger:

For now, I will take note and be realistic with myself. I promised Devon that I would talk my head off throughout my mood changes, and I will do that also. She's a pretty awesome listener and lover. I'm lucky. Hell, I'm lucky for a lot of things.

Four pieces of good news

2011-11-18T10:08:00.000-08:00

Not long after writing my last post, I was happy to welcome AF. I've picked up my Clomid prescription and will start that on Sunday. I'm so excited to be on the bandwagon again and can't wait for our next IUI.

The baby boy I've been writing about is doing awesome - and so are his parents. We visited this week and I'm happy to say that everyone seems to have woken up to the fact that things need to change, and I was so happy to see that the little guy seemed very loved, and attended to.

We booked a two-week vacation in Cabo in January. I was initially hesitant to book something over the time when I'd be ovulating, but I'm hopeful that I will be pregnant by the time we get there!

It's Friday :)

Waiting to Bleed

2011-11-15T20:00:00.000-08:00

It sounds like an album title.

Now I know that the 2WW is not as hard as waiting for your cycle to regulate after a miscarriage. At least with the 2WW, there is an end in sight. Right now, I have no idea whether I'll start bleeding tomorrow or in three months. Considering the miscarriage was so early, I thought that I would be back to a proper cycle quite fast. It has actually only been about a month so far, but it's the not knowing that is killing me.

Maybe if I'd celebrated the pregnancy, I would welcome the chance to mourn, but I feel as though the way things rolled out, all I want is to start trying again. Soon. The shitty part is, I've been PMS-ing and cramping and feeling like I'm going to bleed. For over a week. And nothing happens (this coming from a girl who had very few PMS symptoms before). I've even been wearing a pad or a liner the last few days, because I'm SO sure it's coming, and I get disappointed every time I go to the bathroom.

From what Dr. Google has told me, some women don't get their periods for months after a miscarriage, but that seems to be the case more for women who lose the pregnancies later in their first trimester. I have no idea what it's supposed to be for earlier losses. If any of you could weigh in with your experiences, I'd love to hear.

I just don't know what to do with myself in this forced time out! I miss TTC-ing. That's kind of crazy.

To help kill the time, I will watch one of my favourite YouTube videos to help with the mantra! (unfortunately, the embedding function is disabled, but if you like adorable kids, click here).

Damn Psychic!

2011-11-11T17:16:00.000-08:00

This post is going to sound silly. Because it is a bit silly but it's also a bit relevant and I hate it when those two things don't match with my gut.

I went to my fabulous naturopath (who I call Frau) this week, for a scheduled general visit. This woman is crazy. And fascinating. One of the first times I went to her, she was working on a pressure point in my foot, stopped suddenly and said, "you're hanging on very tightly to that nightmare you had last night; it's time to let it go". I hadn't told her I had a nightmare, nor that I was indeed holding onto it. So she's definitely got a sixth sense, which I haven't ever questioned and have been very open to.

When I got there this week, Frau asked me how the TTC stuff was going, as the last time she saw me was almost two weeks after the last IUI. I told her about the miscarriage and she just said, "Yeah, it wasn't my place to tell you last time you were here. The baby was not healthy at all and didn't want to stay." Some may call her a quack, but there is just some shit that she shouldn't know, and yet she's incredibly accurate. She knows (through my body, apparently) when my partner is sick or sad or both. She said to me last week, "Why did you quit the musical group were singing in?" when I hadn't told her about my musical group, nor the fact that I quit. Those are just a few examples which just makes the following a little harder to just brush off.

While she was doing whatever she does with me, Frau asked me if we'd already paid for the last sample of the donor we're using (she knows we only have one left and then he's sold out after this). I told her yes and asked her why she asked, and she nodded and said "no reason". Later on, she asked if we have a back-up donor in place, and I told her that we had chosen donor #2 a few nights prior (the night our subscription to the bank ran out, we did a final search and a new guy popped up that we LOVE). She asked if we'd considered using #2 this next month instead of #1. I told her it's a lot of money to order more and that our plan was to try this month with #1, and if it doesn't work, buy 3-6 vials from #2 and keep going.

There was a bit more of this back and forth, and finally I asked why she kept bringing it up. She tried to brush it off, but when I pushed her on it, she admitted that she didn't really have a good feeling about #1, but she had an excellent feeling about #2, "but who am I to say anything..." When I was leaving, she wished me good luck and said she was excited, followed by, "but I'm more excited about #2".

Devon was in the car when I got out and I told her and both of us just looked at each other and said, "fuck - what do we do?" And we know it's "just" a psychic naturopath and I know it's probably coming from a spiritual level (over scientific) but considering the relationship I've built with her, part of me felt like I had to listen. And both of us believe in this type of energy/whatever-you-call-it.

So we've been back and forth and back and forth about whether we ditch #1 (losing about $800) and pay another $2,400 - $4,800 for a new batch of goods from #2 - remember we are in Canada, so the cost is more, so is the shipping; one vial of sperm ends up being about $800.

My gut keeps changing, but I think we're going to stick with the original plan. We know that #1 can get me pregnant (granted, I have trouble keeping them) and we still feel that he is a good fit for our family. But I don't want the doubt... and I'm a bit mad that Frau even said anything, although I know it came from a place of caring. I just don't want to go into this with a split psyche... always wondering if it was the right decision.

In the meantime, we had a bit of fun on the world wide web this morning and found a program that takes the faces of two people and morphs them into what their baby is going to look like. Here is my baby with donor #1 and my baby with donor #2. Which one is cuter? ;-)

Lex + donor #1

Lex + donor #2

Not that I know when we're going to be able to do this next... I am still waiting to bleed! (Sounds like an album title). I don't think I have ever looked forward to getting my period this much before.

A check-in on the little guy

2011-11-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

A lot of you expressed concern over my friend's little guy - justifiably so - and I just wanted to update you quickly on the happenings. The parents are home, but the baby is still in the nursery for monitoring. I'm not entirely sure what is going on - through patchy communications, it appears that he has an IV, is on antibiotics and is getting a lot of blood tests done. I'm not sure what for, but in all honesty, I'm just happy to know that he is in good care in the hospital - and he will stay there for at least another week. I have offered my support and will check in continuously with my friend, and I intend to visit the boy in hospital too. I will find out what is going on with him health-wise. I would also like to speak with a nurse or doctor about my concerns, and inquire about a mental health worker. Apparently, the parents are looking forward to having him home, so I hope that's a good sign. Thanks for all of your thoughts and advice.

Although I'm not sure whether I can continue this friendship long-term, I do feel that I need to be there for the little boy, so for now, my priority is to help and support and cuddle and love.

2011-11-06T16:14:00.000-08:00

Well, the time finally came for my friend to give birth to the son she doesn't want.

I went to her baby shower a few weeks ago and it was nothing other than awkward - at 9 months pregnant, she was still going on and on about how this pregnancy and this child will ruin her and her entire life. The way she has been going for the last 7.5 months, since she's known about it.

I know that many people have a tough time through their pregnancies, but as soon as their children are born, they fall in love and become mothers. Mothers who nurture and love. I was hopeful that this would happen, and was excited to hear that she'd given birth to her son this week.

I work at the hospital, so was their first friend visitor. I was invited into the room, where my friend was in bed, her husband was slumped over on a chair in the corner, and their son was in his bassinet, with no blanket wrapped around him, crying so hard that his entire body was flushed with blood.

I was shocked, and quickly asked whether I could pick him up and cuddle for a while. They tried to wrap him up burrito-style, and I bent down to pick him up gently, whispering to him and rocking him slightly. He stopped crying. He stopped shivering.

My friend's first words to me were: "Moral of the story: don't have sex with boys. And don't ever, ever do this." (she doesn't know we are TTC). She has always used humour as a shield for when people try to get close to her, but I just felt like saying, shut the fuck up and show your son that he's wanted and welcome". But, of course I didn't. I smiled awkwardly and turned my attention to the boy.

I know that they are shit scared and young and probably in shock at the fact that they are now in charge of a nine-pound human that can't take care of himself. I get that, but it's tough to see. When the boy started making sucking attempts when he was in my arms, I mentioned that it looked like he was getting hungry, so I would pass him back.

I was met with a "no". I stopped rocking. "You can play with him". So I started trying to comfort the baby as best as I could, without providing him with food. Finally, it got so bad and he was crying so much that he couldn't breathe that well, so I forced him into her arms and said, "He should probably try to eat". And then, I was met with "it doesn't work anyway".

Tears came as I closed the door to go back to my office. I've never had a friend that hasn't passionately wanted a child and this was so hard to see. I had hoped so much that with the little guy actually here, they'd get their shit together. I'm hoping they still have a chance, and that this baby won't suffer.

Devon took me for dinner that night and was surprised that I hadn't said anything to my friend. She didn't understand why I didn't tell her that the kid needed a blanket and needed some food. My friend had given birth less than 24 hours ago, and I didn't want to make her feel as though she wasn't doing a good enough job (which she probably wasn't, but I'm not going to tell her that). They were at the hospital, with capable nurses, and I didn't feel like it was my place to say anything. Though it fucking killed me...

Luckily, they were asked to stay in the hospital at least two more nights that they'd expected to be there. I hope they were flagged by staff and given the support they need. Devon suggested I offer to help them as soon as they are home, but again, I don't think it's my place to insinuate that they are not able to do it alone.

I'm just terrified for that baby. I'm so upset about this.

She is a pretty good friend. Not a best friend. What would you say/do, if anything?

Pregnancy Loss Confirmed

2011-11-01T20:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, no, yes, no, maybe... this is what I've heard all week.

So, despite my HCG levels being naught, my RE confirmed today that I did in fact lose a pregnancy last week. Apparently my LH and Estrogen levels tipped him off, and he has no other explanation for the bleeding.

I know there is a whole freakin' reality TV series dedicated to women who don't know they're pregnant until they give birth, many of who menstruate through their pregnancies... I just never thought that would happen to me. I asked him about the bleeding (before the miscarriage bleeding) and he said that we'll never know whether that was my period or not.

For those who need a refresher, here's the timeline:

October 1st - IUI

October 12th - bleeding for 5 days (almost dead on time for my period)

October 24th - bleeding for 5 days (apparently losing the pregnancy)

I see blood, I think period, I think no baby. I honestly feel really fucking stupid about this. Like, how could I not know? And how could I just stop taking care of myself as soon as my period came? I pulled a few all-nighters on vacation, didn't eat for hours on end, forgot to drink water and take vitamins, had a few glasses of wine here and there. I don't blame myself for the loss, but I'm shaking my head at how fucked up this is.

I'm still more confused than upset. I do have moments where I feel like this is all a mistake and that my cycles are just messed up. But I guess I have to trust the RE, who is awesome and who - I found out today - is responsible for the first baby born via IVF in Canada, 27 years ago. Pretty cool.

Anyway, if there was a silver lining today, it's that I'm safe to start trying again next cycle, considering it is such an early loss. We are adding Clomid, and I feel good about it.

Just a note re: terminology. Miscarriage vs. chemical pregnancy. Chemical pregnancy sounds so... lifeless. It's a baby. It's life. It's a big loss, regardless of size, shape or developmental stage. This is the shit that pro-lifers live for.

Alright, onwards and upwards, right? Kind of like this roller coaster?

So, no... maybe

2011-10-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

My HCG level was 0, and though I didn't get a chance to speak with the RE, the nurse said it didn't look like a miscarriage. But she didn't know what it was, either. I'm trying to get in on a cancellation with the RE early next week, but there's no promise. I just want to know.

I asked the nurse if this could just be my period, and she said my LH levels are a bit high for that, but that anything is possible. I've officially stopped bleeding (yay), but it was a good 4 days worth.

I'm still so confused, and I'm not sure whether getting to see my RE will clarify anything. He wasn't sure what it was, if it wasn't an early pregnancy loss.

So, I guess I wait. For what, I don't know. Not knowing whether this is my period or not, I have no idea where I am in my cycle, or when we'll have a chance for another IUI. It's the not knowing that I don't like. I've never been good with no answers.

Miscarriage?

2011-10-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

So, I may have been pregnant and I may have miscarried (and/or still in the process of miscarrying).

My blood tests came back negative for what they thought the bleeding was (low progesterone) and the RE called today and said that it's looking like an early pregnancy loss...

I got my period on October 12th, twelve days after our IUI. He said that that would in fact have been my period, and that somehow I managed to hold on to the pregnancy through that, and I'm just losing it now. At 6 weeks.

More tests done today, and I'll know for sure tomorrow. I'm more confused than upset. I've heard of women getting their periods throughout their pregnancies, but it just never crossed my mind as a possibility for me. So, when I got my period, I figured that was done and we'd focus on next month. And I had a few glasses of wine and didn't really look after myself that well when I was away. Had I known I was pregnant, it would have been quite a different vacation. I guess it's a good lesson to continue to take care of yourself, no matter what.

I'm just so confused... wouldn't my OPKs have been positive if I was pregnant? I never got the opportunity to take a HPT, considering I was menstruating.

And I'm still bleeding. Lighter today, but still enough to change my pad twice already.

Oy. I think I'm in a bit of shock.

Red Herring

2011-10-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

I'm so confused. [just a warning that some of this is icky fluids stuff, so may be TMI for some people].

So, I was all good and ready to come home from Texas and start this third IUI, which was probably going to be this week. I started OPKs on Saturday in Texas and was happy that there were no positives when I was traveling, so was happy I hadn't missed it. We got back Sunday night - negative. I tested yesterday morning (CD13) and it was negative. Considering my first IUI was on day 13, I decided to test again that evening, just to be sure. When I went to the washroom to test, I looked down at an underwear full of blood.

It looked like period blood. A lot of it. I often get periods that come out of nowhere, so it wasn't really that surprising... except for the fact that I had just finished my last period 6 days prior.

I called the clinic first thing in the morning and asked for an appointment with my new RE. There was a cancellation today but if I couldn't make it today, I couldn't see him til the end of November. I went today.

Firstly, the doc is great. An old Englishman, who is really straight up, honest and nice. He has a resident tagging along who is 8 months pregnant. Kind of cool to see in that environment, but I'm sure a lot of patients might have a hard time with it.

RE thinks it's pre-ovulatory bleeding, though says that the blood should be lighter than it is (in both colour and weight). This is a natural cycle, so it's come out of nowhere and I've never had anything like this before. Well, actually about 4 years ago, I bled for 28 days straight, but other than that, my cycles have been crazy normal. The timing just seems a little weird.

Most of what I can find on Dr. Google is very light spotting during pre-ovulation. This is definitely not light and I'm hemorrhaging a bit too. No pain so far, and no other symptoms of anything else being "wrong," but I guess I've just never heard of this, so I'm kind of freaking out a bit.

I managed to get to a lab and had a blood test this afternoon and the results should be in by Friday at the latest. From what I understand, they will be able to tell by my estrogen levels. If this is a one-off thing, no need to worry, but if it happens again, it's not so good.

So, this cycle is out. No IUI, which sucks, but I'd obviously like to feel healthy and good going into it.

Through some talking today with the RE, I now have a prescription for Clomid, which we have decided to add next cycle to up our chances. After reading a lot of your comments, it feels right.

I'm trying to shift my attention to next month and welcome the "break" as much as I can. It's just funny that when I'm finally at a place where I need good, normal cycles, weird things happen. I'd also like to stop bleeding anytime soon too...

Anyone else experienced something similar?

Cry Me A (Red) River

2011-10-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well, AF came today in full force... like FULL force... like the kind when you know She's there simply because you're sitting in a puddle. Usually I have some warning, but it seems like it was an extra slap in the face.

I guess I'm eager to put this month behind me and focus on next month, considering my frame of mind for the first part of my 2WW. It's still really tough and I think this let-down is actually harder than my first. (*of course* you won't be that person who gets pregnant on the first try... but it'll work the second time).

While I was quite negative at the beginning of the 2WW, your comments on my post really did help me focus on the positive, the "what ifs" and the possibility that this could be it. These 2WWs are quite excruciating. Now I know.

What I'm not fond of is how short the luteal phase is after a trigger shot (although it does make the 2WW more like a 1.5WW, which I guess is okay. Plus, less money spent on HPTs). It feels like I'm fucking with my cycle way too much though and the process is less intuitive, but I guess there is not much room for intuition and creativity when it comes to timing a conception.

I would love to hear from people who have used a hCG shot for IUIs specifically, who can ovulate on their own... do you think it's worth it?

One nurse told us not to add Clomid because I'm young and reproductively healthy, and that if anything, we should do back-to-back IUIs on our fourth month, if we haven't conceived already. Another nurse told us to add Clomid before our third try. A resident told us to do nothing - just to keep at it. I don't even have an RE anymore really, and won't be able to get in to see our new one (whoever that is) before our next try, because I'm away next week. When did others add "help"?

I'm bummed, and for a few specific reasons:

We only have one sample left from this donor, who is now unavailable (sold out), and I really want to get pregnant with this donor.

I'm potentially going to be in Texas when I next ovulate, or have to go in for an IUI the day I get back, which will be impossible as I am organizing a massive conference for that day at work. I haven't found a good way to balance work and family yet.

I don't want to be 9 months pregnant in the heat of August. (Now that's just selfish and not really worth complaining about).

Ah well. What can you do, right?

Disassociation Rocks

2011-10-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your comments from my last post. Thank you, thank you. Reading them honestly made me change my mindset, and now I'm feeling a lot more confident.

I have absolutely no early pregnancy symptoms. I don't feel different in any way. And I'm not worrying about it. In fact, I keep forgetting that I'm in the 2WW, which is awesome, actually. I've been busy with work, busy at home, and the fact that I'm either pregnant or not is at the very back of my head. I forgot the other day and almost opened a beer to drink - I'm taking that as good news (thankfully I remembered before I took a sip).

So, I have no idea what will happen. I'm actually thankful that I have no symptoms, because I can't read into them. I'm still not thrilled at how this month has gone... but what can I do, right?

Another 6 days until we'll test. Now, just trying to figure out how to navigate the wine glass that will be handed to me on Thanksgiving on Sunday.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends.

Can't Shake This Feeling

2011-10-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to get over what I'm feeling and I need to, else this is going to break me down.

Nothing felt right about this month's insem. Though I really want to feel positive, I haven't been able to get in that mindset yet. Last month, I was living the "pregnant until proven otherwise" theory, which worked for me. After Saturday's IUI, I can't help but shake this yucky feeling. The timing felt wrong. None of my other fertility signs pointed to "yes". CM has been sticky for a week, BBT shows no dips or peaks, OPKs were negative before I took the trigger shot. I overheard the senior doctor in the clinic tell my doc (as they were looking over my chart) that the trigger "won't make a difference anyway". The IUI hurt and I was too focused on the pain to even think about what was happening.

But I can't be like this for another two weeks. It's going to kill me. Devon told me to talk to her about how I'm feeling, just to get it out of my body, but I don't want to be a Debby Downer, especially when she's working so hard to stay positive.

I know I have to really believe there is a chance I'm pregnant, but I'm having a tough time. How do I kick this feeling so that I can stay sane for this 2WW? Any experiences to share?

[image source]

IUI #2

2011-10-01T09:50:00.001-07:00

Trigger shot yesterday, going in for IUI #2 in one hour! Very excited and feeling good (and sticky). Not looking forward to another 2WW, but hopefully it will pay off!

And Without Drugs To Boot!

2011-09-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

So, I went in for another ultrasound this morning and I will not be ready for the IUI for another few days.

I was looking at and speaking to the doctor when the nurse starting saying "Ooooh, Lex!!!" and pointed at the ultrasound screen.

Looks like TWO eggs are maturing quite nicely... and the nurse started talking about how it will be such a blessing if we had twins. Doctor kept saying, "This is a natural cycle, right? Wow..."

I think I mumbled "Dear God" under my breath, but then I started beaming.

Twins or not, I suppose this will up our chances this month for at least one baby!

Anyone else have two mature follicles going into an IUI? With or without Clomid. Anyone got a stat for me? ;)

Second Verse, Same as the First

2011-09-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is CD15 and I'm not ready to ovulate at all. Last month, we inseminated on CD13. Yesterday, I had an ultrasound and follicle size was still quite small (15). I have another ultrasound tomorrow morning, but it looks as though insem day will be Friday or Saturday.

I'm *really* hoping for Friday, because here's why: My brother and his wife are going out of town for a wedding and leaving their four children (ages 7, 6, 4, and 17 months) with Devon and me for about 36 hours from Saturday to Sunday. If our insem is on Saturday, we may not have anywhere to "put" the kids for an hour or so, and if we can't find anyone to help, there is a possibility of having to bring them to the clinic and leave the older three in the waiting room and take the baby in the room with us. I can just imagine the looks we'd get... "what the HELL are those two ladies trying to create a FIFTH child??!"

Anyway, for some reason this later ovulation is making me a bit nervous. I don't know what it means, and if my luteal phase really is the same month-to-month, then I will try not to worry about it. I just want there to be enough time for this baby to stick and I really want this to be a healthy cycle.

I'm excited for IUI #2. I just want it to be now. I want this month to work really badly, for several reasons (besides the obvious). We have two tries left with our donor and he is currently sold out of units and I really really want to get pregnant by this donor - he's just a fantastic match for our family. Secondly, my RE has basically left for his new clinic, and though we got the go-ahead to switch to another doctor, I kind of don't want to have to go through that.

So, I stay positive and try to be patient. Because that's really all I can do, right?

Mat Leave Drama

2011-09-24T16:17:00.000-07:00

Some people have said that the wait to ovulate feels so much longer than the 2WW, but I have to disagree. We're already just a few days away from trying again. That makes me happy.

It's been an interesting week though...

A bit of history: I was hired to cover a maternity leave and was asked to stay on when my colleague (let's call her Tee) returned. Tee's been back for less than two months, and she called me into her office on Thursday to tell me that she's four months pregnant. She's leaving for another year in March. I was actually thrilled for her and think it's awesome - she really wanted two within two years of each other, so I'm glad it worked out for her.

Here's the thing. Our director (let's call her Kay) is a frikkin' insecure stress case and she's tanking even with both my colleague and I working for her (team of two became team of three). When Tee told Kay she was pregnant, it was a very professional response, but it was obvious Kay was shattered by the news. In the past, Kay has been vocal with me about how tough it was training me to do the scope of work that Tee had a lot more experience with. My inexperience has been blamed for numerous things, including the fact that Kay couldn't get the damn annual report out last year, because she was too busy "training" me (I got no said "training," so that's bullshit, but that's how she rolls).

You many remember that one of the reasons Kay wanted to keep me on was precisely in case Tee took another mat leave (and apparently I was quite angry when I wrote this post about it). In her mind, I don't think mat leave is even a possibility for me.

I've always been terrified of telling Kay I'm pregnant. Out of all the obstacles of this whole conception journey, that has haunted me daily. I know family comes first, but I'm a Pisces and I take on the weight of the world and apparently I feel as though I can't possibly shatter Kay any more than she is by Tee's news. I know it sounds silly. It's life - lots of people go on mat leave - but I honestly don't know how I'm going to tell her when the time comes. She's going to shit herself.

After Tee told me, I had to tell her that I was trying. Of anyone, she'll know the stress of telling Kay. She was thrilled for me and very respectful with her questions. I told her my fears about Kay's mental health around this, and she understood. I just kept saying, "I hope I'm pregnant soon so that I can tell Kay before she hires for your position... and perhaps she'll hire someone with a higher skill set to deal with the potential double void."

Why do I care so much? It's work. Yes, we're in the healthcare industry (kind of) but it's not like we're saving lives. Kay is an insecure crazy lady who is under-qualified for her position anyway, but I feel as though this will bury Kay alive and my conscience is not doing so well with this one.

Totally a bridge to cross over when we get to it, but when Tee told me her news, I was thrilled and then my heart just dropped, realizing that this is not going to be easy. I really, really hope that I get pregnant this week, so that I'll only be at work for an extra 4 months after Tee leaves, and then if Kay goes under, we'll both be far out of reach.

Tee told me that, when the time comes, I need to present my pregnancy to Kay as really good news. Which I agree with, and have to get over the fact that it's not my responsibility that the timing kind of sucks for our team. It WILL be good news. And who knows, by the time I'm pregnant, maybe I'll have gotten over this.

[Quick non-related question: For those of you who have taken Ovidrel (trigger shot), has it affected your actual menstruation? I have been a 5-day bleeder my whole life, but this month my period lasted for three days. Two of which were very light. I'm not sure whether this is something to worry about, but I thought I'd ask in case it's a red flag for anything.]

No One Hit Wonder Here

2011-09-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

We decided to POAS on Wednesday evening if AF hadn't come by then. It was 12dpo and though it was early, we knew to take the results with a grain of salt. We also knew that because of the trigger shot, we had a high chance of having a false positive. We were ready for that.

I don't know if I was ready for a big stark white empty space, but that's what stared back at us. I'd been pretty psyched because the nurse said I'd probably get my period Sunday-Tuesday because of the shot and I hadn't yet. Dev asked if she could look at the test first, which I actually appreciated.

We were both a little sad at the result, but knew there was no finality to it. When Devon suggested we test the next day, I said I'd rather wait until Friday, when we're supposed to test.

No less than one hour later, I went pee and AF had arrived. And I don't know if it's just the emotions or what, but it seems to be an extra painful, heavy period. Adding insult to injury.

At least we know, right? But it was tough. I wanted to those of you who commented and those who noted that the first 2WW is the hardest - it was really good to hear. Part of me was thankful that we actually got a chance to do an HPT because I feel like that's an integral part of this experience. I don't think I'm as crushed as I thought I would be, and I think that's partly attributed to reading the blogs that I read and recognizing that this process is rarely short and sweet for people. But I'm still incredibly sad and Devon is too, but we will pick up and focus on next month. We have to.

What I didn't expect is how annoyingly persistent friends are in asking about the status of the pregnancy. That's one of the reasons this blog is so great, because most readers understand - and I have no problem whatsoever updating people on this medium. After yesterday, I wish I hadn't told a soul (outside of here) that we'd had our IUI. It's hard enough mourning the loss as a couple, but having to tell other people, who are pushy and ask flat out if I'm pregnant, is painful. My sister-in-law asked yesterday when I was over at her house and I lied and said "I don't know yet". She told me to take a damn test already and call her right away. I am realizing that although I appreciated the energy sent to me on the day of the IUI, I can't be answering the pregnancy question month after month. I know everyone's intentions are fantastic... I guess I'd just hoped for some privacy. I had no idea how hard it is, and I haven't even told anyone yet. I'm dreading it. I've learned my lesson, and will not be so open with the specific dates going forward.

My best friend has texted me every day this week asking for news.

And guess what I get to do tonight? Go to a dinner party at said best friend's house and listen to her announce to our group of friends that she's pregnant.

The only good part about this BFN is that I can drink to get through this evening. Plus, then people will figure it out on their own and I won't have to tell them.

Thank you for all of your support. As always, you rock.

Week 2 of this 2WW

2011-09-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

So we're into week two. If I don't get the bad news naturally, the earliest we'll know for sure is Friday. The nurse said that with the trigger shot, my period might come in 10-12 days. I'm at the end of day 11 with no AF, so I'm hoping we'll be okay.

I've over-analyzed everything this week. I've believed I'm pregnant and then I believe I'm not. I've wanted to stay positive, but it's fucking exhausting. There was a palpable change last week around Thursday. I had felt "differently" since my IUI for a full week and then suddenly, "that feeling" went away completely. And I can't even describe "that feeling" except to say that I felt different. And then on Thursday, and since, I haven't felt much.

My boobs hurt and now, not so much. Cramping is completely gone, which was pretty consistent. Of course, I'm trying to get "that feeling" back and I'm having trouble. Last night I was on the toilet with a really upset stomach and was cursing myself for pigging out on fish & chips and then realized, "hey, this may not be the fish!!!"

Devon has stayed solidly positive this entire time, which I love, but I've felt so guilty for not being able to stay in that mindset myself. She keeps asking me if anything is wrong and I tell her no, because I don't want her to know I'm doubting anything. It's not good; it's like I'm hiding something. So, I finally told her today what was going on, and she was fantastic. She just said, "you feel what you feel and I'll be positive for the both of us". Did I mention I love her?

At this point, I almost don't care, I just want to know. And I hate that that's truth. If my first 2WW is this excruciating, I hope to dear god that there aren't too many more of them.

I can still hope and still get excited when I suddenly got an intense craving for sour cream & onion chips, when I don't even really like them to begin with. When I almost puked last week, I was so incredibly happy. So, I'll try to hold onto that happiness and trust that it'll get me through.

How do you not get so incredibly scared about seeing red every time you pull down your underwear to pee?

Week 1 of this 2WW (barely)

2011-09-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

Who am I kidding? It's been a whopping 4 days, hardly halfway through a week, and I finally understand why the 2WW is excruciatingly difficult.

I had Thursday/Friday booked off work for vacation months ago, and though I wish now that I had actually had vacation days, I was really happy that I could do all of this stuff without worrying about getting back to my desk. I tested positive on the OPK Thursday morning and was due to go in for an ultrasound that morning anyhow, so it was good timing. Eggs were a good size, and uterine lining was thick, but they still wanted me to have a trigger shot to have a bit more control over the timing.

Long story kind-of short: On Thursday, I took the prescription for Ovidrel and put it in my back pocket and walked to the pharmacy 5 blocks away from the clinic. I got to the prescription counter and realized that the prescription was gone. I traced my steps up the street, picking up every white piece of trash looking for it. Called Devon all "No-I'm-okay, really... don't-worry-I'll-be-fine". Exactly halfway between the clinic and the pharmacy, the prescription was lying in a ditch on the road. Picked it up, gave it to the pharmacist, went to get my wallet from my purse and it wasn't there. Walk back to the car, finally found my wallet waaaay underneath the driver's seat. Went back to pharmacy, paid for meds, walked back to clinic and Devon was there waiting for me. She'd left work after hearing how scattered I was. Thank god.

On the morning of the IUI (Friday), I went for my first acupuncture treatment, which was really nice because the doctor left me alone for about 20 minutes with the needles in, so it allowed me to calm the fuck down, which I really really needed.

The IUI went well, I guess. Devon and I managed to make it "our" moment, which was actually my main concern. It's funny how superstitious one becomes. I picked out smiley face underwear to match the smiley face on the OPK. I wore a rose quartz around my neck that Devon got years ago and brought out for the occasion. We bought a really cute onesie the night before and brought it to the treatment (left it in the bag, but had it near). We had a joke that because the donor plays bass, we had to have a bass-heavy song for right afterwards. Turned out we used the Black-Eyed Peas song Boom Boom Pow (we're calling the potential fetus Boom Boom).

I don't know why we did those things. We just felt better doing them, like it was an important occasion, which it was. I know it's all about biology and timing and has little to do with songs or semi-precious stones or underwear, but we both felt that we should do something. As silly as it sounds, it just made sense to us.

The IUI was uncomfortable, but over fast, though the nurse who did it was a talker, and I so wanted to shut her up, but felt rude. I know she was trying to distract me from the discomfort. Devon and I stayed in the room for about 20 minutes afterwards, and that was pretty special.

It's interesting: although this is my first IUI, I feel as though I've been on this journey for a long time already. We decided to go ahead with trying for a child at the end of 2008. I've been weaning off several medications for over two years to ready my body for a baby. We've been to many many medical appointments with many many specialists that were mental health/reproductive health-related. It's been a long ride already, and I feel blessed that it is finally at a tangible level where something can actually happen. It may be another long road, but I'm thrilled that we've made it to this stage of the journey. I hope this stage is a quick one though.

I've been cramping since the IUI - kind of like period cramps. I'm not sure what that means. I'm remaining very optimistic - I have to. Except for a wee bit today: I had a minor panic moment today at work when I misplaced a very important file where the pit of my stomach just dropped and before I could get a hold of myself, started thinking that I was killing my fetus in that moment with the stress levels... gotta work on that. Yes, I know embryos/fetuses can withstand a lot, but if there is something in there, it probably hasn't even had a chance to figure out where it's going to burrow. Of course, the cramping went away for a few hours, and now it's back, which I'm taking as a good sign.

So yeah, excited and really wanting the 2 weeks to hurry up. Nurse says I may get my period 5 days early because of the shot, so if it's negative, I'll know early next week. Let's hope that's not the case.

Thank you so much for all of your support during this stage - it's wonderful!

First IUI this morning!

2011-09-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

And that is all...

So excited. Feeling good. Egg is a good size. Trigger shot yesterday. It's go time!

U/S 2 on CD10

2011-08-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

I had my second ultrasound this morning, and it went a lot better than Sunday's in the emotional department. The doc did take his time, on the most part, and was a lot easier to talk to. It could've just been the day on Sunday, though I'm still not convinced, but, as Strawberry said, there is a possibility that I won't even have a need for him after this insem, which would be awesome :) So I'm going to focus on that.

It looks like the insemination will take place either Thursday or Friday. I go in on Thursday morning for another u/s and if I test positive on my OPK tomorrow morning, and if I'm measuring large enough, we'll go ahead with it on Thursday. If not, it will most likely be Friday (CD13). He talked about the possibility of giving me a trigger shot on Thursday, which I know very little about. I mean, I know that it's LH and what it's for, but is it a needle in the stomach?

First clinic visit with a added surprise

2011-08-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

I had my first ultrasound yesterday morning.

I woke up on Saturday, took an ovulation test on CD7 and it was positive. Positive on two different brands. No other signs though (fluid signs only; temps do not work on me). Devon and I both looked at the happy face and looked at each other and beamed with joy.

Fuck, it’s early – but yay! It’s soon!

I called the nurse and explained that I got 6 positives in a row last month and that I was incredibly early in my cycle this month. She had me come in the next morning (crack of frikkin’ dawn on a Sunday) and have an ultrasound.

I tested again that morning on CD8 and it was negative. I’m guessing it was a false positive on Saturday (99% accuracy, my ass), so I felt a bit silly going in, but we both decided that it was a good chance to talk to the doctor about what’s been going on with my ovulation.

We were 9th on the list when we got there about 10 minutes after the clinic opened. Well, actually 8, but I didn’t know we had to take a number when we got there, so when the woman who arrived after us took one and sat down, I clued in.

It’s so flippin’ busy there, and on the weekend, they have one nurse and one doctor (who happened to be our RE). When it was my turn, I had no idea what to expect, so when the nurse asked me to “change,” I responded “How?” Shorts and undies off, towel wrapped around your bum, walk down the hall.

Devon didn’t come in the room, even though I wanted her. We just didn’t know how it all worked. Not long after I got in the room, my RE came in and shoved a business card in my hand. I was so distracted by, oh, I don’t know, the ULTRASOUND, that I didn’t even look at it. I put it on the chair. He asked me if I had a bag. (I didn’t). He picked the card up and shoved it back in my hand and told me to hang onto it. When the nurse walked in, he changed the subject quickly. I didn’t think much of it, then.

He asked me when I surged and I told him the day and then told him – tried to tell him – about the previous month of 6 positive OPKs in a row. He repeated the cycle days I told him about, incorrectly, and then replied, “it’s normal to test positive two days in a row”. Um, I know it is. But how about 6?

I recognize that they are busy, I really do. But as I said later to Devon, when you are dealing with a woman’s vagina AND her emotions… take your fucking time. Especially if this is their first time doing something like this.

“Put this in yourself,” he said, as he shoved me the wand. [Okay, please don’t laugh at me, but in all my readings, I didn’t even think about the possibility of it being an INTERNAL u/s. I know that sounds stupid, but hey – if they can see an embryo through a stomach, couldn’t they potentially see a follicle that way too? I know, I know].

So, I put it in. And, because I had no other signs of ovulation, let’s just say I was a little too dry for doing that aptly on a Sunday morning. Ouch. Especially when he cranked it from left to right with no warning. (Looks like it’ll be my right side, which has 14 follicles. Is that a decent number?)

I tried to ask what was going on with the testing, but all he wanted to tell me was that it’s not too late, and that I didn’t miss ovulation. I tried to explain to him that I was aware that this probably wasn’t my time, but I wanted to clear up some questions I had, but he was pretty much out the door before I could get answers.

So I’m left in the room with a soggy feeling and a business card, which I finally read. It’s for a new fertility clinic opening in the city. And my RE is the medical director. Then I realize he had said something about me seeing him in his new office next month, but shut up when the nurse came in. He was trying to make a business deal the whole time I had my pants off.

I walked back out to the waiting area and said to Dev (quite loud for someone who usually mumbles), “we’re done here; let’s go”. People looked at me funny and Devon was visibly confused, but I just wanted to get out of there.

For the whole day, I just felt shitty. Shitty that my ovulation is tricking every brand of OPKs we buy. Shitty that my RE is taking off and going out on his own. Shitty that this first insemination is starting off on a peculiar foot. Shitty that we initially clicked SO WELL with this guy, and we may have to go RE-shopping (if we even have the choice). It just made me realize how this is such a for-profit business. I get why, but it just doesn't seem right.

Devon has a way of calming me down, and she did. I feel better now, and I’m still excited for this baby-making process, but I just want someone to be gentle with me. It’s a bit emotional, people, and I’m an emotional person. Perhaps not really cut out for this, but I guess it comes with the territory.

I’m to go back tomorrow morning to see if I’m anywhere near ready (CD10). I tested negative again this morning, so it’s doubtful, but hey – I’d rather be early than late.

Sighs of Relief

2011-08-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

I told my mum we were starting a family.

It took me months and about two targeted attempts, but I finally did it. My grandmother was in town from Britain and my brothers, their wives and all the grandkids headed to my parents in various forms two weekends in a row to visit with the grandmother.

It's tough to get my parents on their own now, especially because they now live out of the city and it's a trek to get over there, and the chances of being alone with them are slim to none. I've also waited for it to come organically, and of course, it never would. There were some opportunities like when we told them we were thinking about going in on a house with friends of ours. I said it would be great for them to have someone to hand their kid over for 10 minutes when they go to the shop. She responded that it would be great for us too, for someone to look after our cats when we were gone. I wanted so badly to say, "Yeah, it'll be good when we have a baby too," but I kept choking up on my words.

I felt strongly about letting them know before we started trying. I feel as though if we'd just shown up pregnant, it would've been a big slap in the face, somehow. But at the same time, my best friend had a good point: "I didn't call up my mom to tell her I was going to start having unprotected sex". True, but for whatever reason, this felt different.

In another post, I will perhaps go into the intricacies of my relationship with my mother, but not today. We have only become close in the last 6 years. And my "close," I mean I call her every few weeks and we can mostly enjoy our once-a-month-or-two visit. She's a difficult and complicated woman, who never showed her love until well after I was 25 years old, but she has changed, and somehow our relationship just works. Through everything, if I dig deep enough, I realize that she does adore me - she just doesn't know what to do with that emotion.

I'm closer with my dad, but didn't feel right about telling only him (my mother would have killed me). I wanted to tell them both at the same time, but the opportunity didn't come up. After a long visit, my mum had to drive me and Devon somewhere, and when I got in the car, I just knew that this was my only opportunity.

"Mum, I really want to tell you what's going on for Dev and me. We're about to start a family."

BREATHE.

Her response? "Well of course you are! How could you not? You're both so amazing with kids, and Lex - you've wanted to be a mum since you were two years old. That's all you cared about."

RELIEF.

I just smiled. And then she went on about how I'll have to move closer to her so that she can "take care of me". You need to understand that this comes from a woman who never really took care of me (other than the bare necessities), so it was a little overwhelming.

It was interesting: she wasn't that interested in my mental health. All she wanted to know about was the donor - what does he look like? what is he good at? etc. I didn't expect her to focus on that, but all things considered, I was delightfully surprised with her reaction.

I haven't had a chance to tell my dad yet, and though I imagine my mum said something, he's probably feeling a bit left out. But we have time, and now that the initial word is out, I imagine that will make room for many more words. My mum basically said she wouldn't inquire until we told her we were pregnant... which I think she probably said out of respect for us, but I actually do want to talk with her more about it.

Anyway, that's that. I feel so incredibly lighter and am continuously amazed with my family's support. We told my sister-in-laws (who I am way closer to than my actual brothers), who are both thrilled. It was funny, when I was having trouble with telling my mum, one of my sister-in-laws suggested we just let the kids tell her, so she had a little chat with her 6-year-old in front of us:

"Would it be great if Auntie Lex and Auntie Devon had a baby? Would you like another cousin?"

3 second look of confusion followed by a, "Yeah! I hope they have a boy so it evens out the boy and girl cousins. Hey... is that a hornet??" as she ran off into the garden, following the buzzing.

In pressing news, AF came yesterday. As soon as I saw it, I just couldn't get over the fact that this *could* be the last time I see it in many, many months. Hopefully!

On Choosing a Donor

2011-08-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for your input and suggestions on the OPK issue. I'm going to try another brand - maybe two - for next cycle and see what happens. I'll talk with our RE about an ultrasound too. But how do I know when to go in for one? When I think I'm ovulating?

Okay, so choosing our donor was most probably the most surreal experience of this TTC journey so far. Devon and I have date night every Thursday, and we decided last week to use the night to take a serious look at cryo-dads and, at the very least, narrow down our list. [side note: I am so impressed with Devon - she is as much into all of this as I am now... she writes me with answers about TTC stuff that she's researched, baby name ideas, thoughts on sperm. She's excited. SHE'S EXCITED. Do you know how frikkin' awesome that feels? I'm so happy.]

We found out that our clinic deals with three banks only. I believe this is the case for all Canadian clinics. Health Canada (our FDA) has to approve all donor sperm to make sure that it is "Canadian compliant"... whatever that means. Along with the one Canadian bank, we had a choice of two American banks - Xytex and Fairfax. About half of the Xy donors are Canadian compliant and about 30% of the FF donors are too. We were not very impressed with the Canadian bank, so we dropped that one early (as some of you know from my other posts, there are slim pickings here).

One of the nurses at the clinic told us that most people go with Xy, though she didn't say why. FF's website is impressive and fancy and off the bat, seemed the most user-friendly. Xy's website is decent - no bells or whistles, but easy to use. Before purchasing anything, we basically made a list of the top 10 on both sites and then tried to figure out how much money we would spend to find out more about them. Xy was very straightforward with fees and one (hefty) payment lets you view every aspect of every profile. With FF, the fees were info and donor dependent, and what looked like a lot less money would've ended up being way more expensive than Xy for the same information. We also liked that the majority of Xy donors had adult photos, which was not the case with FF. I won't go into it more than that, but if anyone wants to ask questions about the experience so far, feel free to email me (contact me page).

Anyway, just as the donor pictures were loading for our top two donors, we looked at each other and said, "oh my god, they're going to be so ugly". And then one of our top choices came up and we again looked at each other and said (and I quote), "he's fucking hot!" And then our top three choices loaded, and they were all really, really good-looking guys. We were actually very surprised. I know, I know, it's a photo - and probably the best one that they can muster up - but it's all a shallow lesbian couple can go by ;)

We were looking for a few things: Devon's colouring and her interests/personality. The only thing I was pretty adamant about was for him to have a squeaky clean mental health history on all sides. We were really happy with our search and after sitting with our top choices for a few days (and obsessively revisiting them), we decided on our guy.

It just feels right. He feels right... as messed up as that sounds. This whole thing has been so surreal to us - we are shopping online for our future baby's father. So weird. We looked him up on siblingregistry, and there are four offspring listed (we've yet to decide whether connecting with half siblings is something we'd ever do). I did a search for the donor number, just to see if there was anything else posted about him, and one Xy web page came up saying that there was no samples left, but I think it was cached. We tried not to get too attached to him - and we tried to feel confident in our second and third choices - but it's hard once you make the decision.

Although this ovulation thing is worrying me, we decided to at least have the option to start next cycle. I imagine we will. So, we called the Canadian "pimp daddy" (we can't order directly from the bank for legal reasons), who add about $100 onto each unit. Despite a few regulatory things, we were actually surprised at how easy the whole process of ordering was. We bought three to start (a recommendation from the clinic). They are being shipped on August 17th and will be good and ready for us to do our first insemination in the last week of August.

Devon is so excited and wants to have a party when cryodad's goods arrive in the city. With the way I've been feeling, I almost agreed with her... but... we have still only told two people, and I think it'll stay that way until three-four months after a BFP.

I'm not even scratching the surface of all of the emotions surrounding this process, but for tonight, I just wanted to get the words out of my body. My heart will deal with the rest another day.

Happy.

Ovulation Woes...

2011-08-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there is a TON to catch up on including:

We “passed” our psych eval (w00t!)
We chose a donor (holy shit!)
We ordered sperm today (whhaaaat?)

I’m thrilled and I will write all about it when I have a chance. Lately, all my spare time has been taken up looking for donors… I think that’s a pretty good excuse ;)

There’s something going on that I wanted to do a call out to see whether anyone had experienced this: When I was at the clinic (CD10), I bought an OvuQuick OPK from reception. I decided to test starting on CD11, even though my cycle is 27 days, so it was a bit early.

First test = positive. Very clearly positive on CD11 (Picture #1).

Now here’s the thing… I’ve tested every single day since then – 6 days – and all tests have come back clearly positive, including today’s (see pic #2) on CD16.

I can’t find an explanation anywhere. I’ve heard of woman who test positive for 3 days max, but never double that. I called the nurse this morning, and she just said, “that’s weird… that’s not normal”. I tried to make it clear that I’ve been taking these tests according to the clinic’s (and the manufacturer’s) instructions and am not a dumb ass. She says I could come in for an ultrasound to figure out when I ovulate, but I kind of want to know a ballpark. BBT are not consistent because I am never asleep for more than 3 hours straight (I pee often). Cervical fluid/position is inconclusive day-to-day.

I don’t want to waste a grand next month with a shot in the dark (literally?), and I feel as though I’m even more confused about my cycle now :(

Any advice? Anyone ever had a super long LH surge?

I want to figure this out so that we can get going next month!!

T=test

R=reference

Pic #1 (CD11)

Pic #2 (CD16)

What's This, You Ask?

2011-07-31T12:57:00.000-07:00

It's a book. But it's not just any book. It's the book that Devon brought home last night and gave to me, along with a highlighter to start choosing baby names. It's the book that made me look up at her and almost cry, because I finally feel as though we're doing this together.

P.S. An entire chapter is dedicated to names famous hockey players... in true Canadian form.

Another happy moment ruined

2011-07-26T12:29:00.000-07:00

My best friend told me last night that she's pregnant after 4 months of trying. She's only 5 weeks into it, and with the exception of her mom and sister, I'm the only one who knows. It's such a weird feeling being simultaneously so thrilled for her and so sad for me. It feels awful not to feel 100% happy about such an amazing milestone. Obviously with her, I was ecstatic, and showed no sign of the hurt that I was feeling.

She told me to hurry up and have a baby so that we could have mat leave together (it's a year in Canada). I smiled and said that would be amazing... which it would be... but it's hard not to think about how small a chance there is for that scenario. If Devon and I are lucky enough to start trying at the end of August and lucky enough to get pregnant on the first try, then yes – it’s doable, and I want to go into this with positivity. Maybe I just have to work on that.

It's not a nice feeling to feel so sad after a joyous announcement, and it's a bit of an eye opener that there is going to be a lot more of this type of thing. I can imagine it just gets harder when you are actually going through the TTC process.

But hey – at least I got her extra ovulation strips that she doesn’t have a need for anymore.

Happy Anniversary

2011-07-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

It's Devon and my 4th wedding anniversary. We got engaged after two years of being together and had a long, two-year engagement. Before we were eventually together, I wanted to be together, but I thought it would never happen. I'm so glad I was wrong.

She makes me so happy and I feel so lucky to have her. She really has stayed with me through sickness and hard times. There was a time where perhaps she should have walked away, and didn't. We almost lost each other, but we fought through. I will never do anything again that will jeopardize our relationship. She deserves to be treated like a queen, and I intend on doing that.

Whenever I feel scared or sad, I just have to close my eyes and picture what that feeling was like on our wedding day, when I was staring into her eyes... that feeling that everything will be okay. And everything will be okay; I now trust that.

Happy Anniversary Dev ~ I trust that we will celebrate so many more.

One Hundred

2011-07-22T13:58:00.000-07:00

Is it ironic that I'm publishing my 100th blog post and my news today is that we have our psych evaluation at the clinic booked?

I think so.

Can a counselor who has one hour to decipher whether we are fit to be parents really all that helpful? I know some of you have had the psych evals at your respective clinics, so if anyone has any "head's up" info, that would be great.

Both Devon and I am pretty good about being open but knowing when to draw the line. I think as long as we're honest about my past and show that this is a different time and a different place (and that I am a very different person), we should be okay. That said, I've been reading a blog where the two women went in for a psych eval and were essentially turned away because the bio mom had mental health issues as a teenager. Seriously? It broke my heart. They are now working happily with another clinic, but the whole experience would have been awful. Part of me is petrified that it will happen to us.

I guess I understand the need for a professional counselor at a place where babies are (hopefully) being introduced into the world, but part of me thinks that if you end up at clinic, you've definitely thought things through. I don't know anyone who would want to spend a crapload of money on a kid they don't want. Then again, there's the case of the Octomom. Huh. Okay, I guess it's important.

After the psych eval, we see a nurse to go over the logistics of how we get the sperm to the clinic, etc. and any other pertinent information.

And then? Then we start!

It's crazy to think that I only have ONE more cycle before this thing goes full tilt - finally! In all honesty, I haven't been looking forward to my 100th post, because when I started writing this blog, I assumed that I'd be posting a picture of my baby - or at the very least a positive pregnancy test - for my 100th post. We decided to have this baby in 2009. It may take two years or more to get pregnant. It feels sometimes that this process has already taken so long, with all the med changes, family uncertainties, home stuff, relationship stuff... I hope so much for the actual TTC to be quick and speedy, but I know enough that I can't count on it.

At least when it finally does get here, the baby will know how very wanted s/he is.

Appointment at the top of August. Wish us luck.

A Pregnant Lesbian? But How?

2011-07-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

[image source]

I've noticed something kind of strange lately. Not one, not two but three times this week, from people who a) don't know me very well but b) aren't idiots and c) don't know I'm starting the TTC process have asked me whether Devon and I will ever adopt kids.

Like it's the only option out there for lesbians.

These are educated people - including my HR Manager (who I didn't say a word to about kids because I don't trust her as far as I can throw her... and I wouldn't be able to throw her very hard). I honestly don't know if it's just that it's easier for people to ask about adoption than it is to ask about spermy boy stuff.

But wouldn't "Are you and Devon planning on having kids / starting a family / becoming moms" suffice? Or anything along those lines? Or am I missing something? (which is entirely possible).

One of the conversations was with a coworker that I have been interested in building a relationship with just because we tend to be in the same place quite a bit, but her questions about adoption just made me want to shut down talking with her about anything babyish - or anything personal, for that matter. And I didn't even know how to answer.

I don't want to adopt. Not at this point anyway. But for at least one of the conversations, I felt like I wanted to communicate that I wanted a family, but didn't want to get into the whole donor thing or who would carry or anything else specific. It's not like I would start asking straight people about such personal questions.

But is this something that I should expect to have to do? Do people see girl+girl+bump and start asking questions about the "father"? (a term I dislike for a donor) Do people ask you whether you slept with a man or whether you relied on science? Do people ask you how much money you spent on getting pregnant?

I'm kind of at a loss... I know it's not really any of their business, but I don't want to completely shut down the conversation if it does come up.

What kinds of questions have you had, and how did you deal with acquaintances that ask these types of questions?

Come On... Rub One Out, Canada

2011-07-16T15:47:00.000-07:00

As I've previously written, I've known about a shortage of sperm in Canada, but I just now found out - and I am SO not exaggerating here - there are currently THIRTY THREE active sperm donors in Canada. 33. Like, Jesus's age when he died 33. Like not even anywhere close to triple digits 33. And again, I've already noted that Canada only one sperm bank in this entire country.

Buying anonymous sperm has just become illegal where I live as a result of a 29-year-old woman who has been fighting to find out about her donor father, and who argued that provincial laws "discriminate against the offspring of anonymous sperm and egg donors because, unlike adopted people, they have no right to know their origins or prevent the destruction of records that would help identify their biological parents." Fair enough, and I understand that argument. I really do. I would rather use a willing-to-be-known donor.

However, ALL of the 33 active donors in Canada are currently anonymous. So that brings us down to a whopping 0 available donors. The new law hasn't yet kicked in but will within the next year and a half. The one sperm bank does import sperm from two US banks (at a heftier price) so we do have a bit more to choose from, and I'm hopeful we will find one that fits us.

It has just got me thinking about donors and how we need to encourage young men to think about an altruistic action that will change the lives of many. There are some men who are against having a biological child out there in the world who doesn't "belong" to him, and I get that, I really do. But there has to be some - especially more than 33 - who want to help families become families, just because it's an amazing gift. I don't even know whether people outside of Toronto (where the sperm bank is situated) can donate at all...

Part of me wants to speak with my brothers, their friends, my male friends, and any male who will listen, about the NEED to donate their goods. But I am so not that person... I am not vocal and I'm not an in-your-face kind of gal. But if someone like me - who needs this very thing to fulfill a dream - can't speak out, then who will?

Hot and Cold

2011-07-15T12:40:00.000-07:00

So my first cycle with the BBT monitoring was an epic fail, though I'm not discouraged quite yet. My own damn fault, really. I started taking my temperature every morning at 4 am (only because this is consistently one of the times I get up to pee in the night, and I didn't want to take it an hour or two later, if I'd already been out of bed). My first mistake was using a thermometer with no back light – not great for reading in the dark. Duh. My second mistake was being too eager and taking the thermometer out before it was time. My third mistake was trying to switch thermometers halfway through and ending up with three thermometers in my bedroom - only one of which (the original) works. I swear, I'm cursed when it comes to buying new ones: they work fine in the store, and then when I take them home, they're dead. Gotta do some returns.

I actually got a bit concerned because all of the charts that you can download had temperatures starting in the 97s… and I was coming in at about 96.2, consistently. At least I was consistently wrong…? Patience is a virtue, and certainly not my strong suit.

I've also been tracking my cervical fluid as best I can. Despite my temperatures being wildly inconsistent, I did get a good idea of my cycle just by being more aware of things. It was actually quite incredible pretty much knowing when I was ovulating because I'm paying attention. Ohhhh, you mean that feeling every month isn't just gas? Who knew??

Although I've entered the temperature data in Fertility Friend, I think I might discard them all and start again brand new. I don’t want the data to screw up my true cycle info.

Overly eager and making a ton of mistakes. At least I’m learning, right?

The new look... for now

2011-07-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not sold on it yet, but I'll sit with it for a little while to see whether it fits me.

As for changing the blog title, I had a good chat with Devon this afternoon about it. She had some really good points and it was a good chat about identity. For now, I'm going to keep it as Crazy Lesbian Mom. I'll sit with that too... but I think it suits me better than I originally thought.

For now.

Man, I'm bad with change.

Fluids and Eggs

2011-07-07T17:29:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all of your comments on the last post - it was really helpful and gave me some insight as to what this blog means to me. I have decided to switch up the visual, and will do so when I have more than a few minutes to log on, once work has died down a little. I may change the blog name too, but I'm going to sit with that one for a while - the one thing I've learned is how important a name can be, even to a blog. It represents you.

I'm currently on day 4 of BBT tracking and am using Fertility Friend. It's weird, I input the info online, but I also have a Fertility Friend app for my iPhone. But the cycles are not the same - in fact, they're off by almost a week. Online is where I've been imputing my temperature data, so I'm guessing that one is the most accurate. It's a good lesson that all this technology doesn't necessarily help :) Does anyone have a full membership to Fertility Friend? Is it worth the cost?

So I'm doing the temperature thing and I'm also kind of taking more of an interest in my cervical fluids (yum). I will be ovulating in the next few days, so it's good to know what it all feels/looks like. I've always noticed it, but of course have never done a day-to-day analysis like I am doing now. It's funny, in the book The Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians, which I have enjoyed, the author says it's a good idea to have your partner chart for you and analyze your cervical fluid, to make her feel more involved in the baby-making process. I read that out loud to Devon and I think she threw up a little in her mouth.

There are some things that I never want my partner to do, checking my cervical fluid is one of them... now there *is* one fluid that is definitely okay, considering she's the one that helps me make it.

ANYway...

I've Been Lying To You

2011-07-05T15:52:00.000-07:00

It's funny, I've read a few of your posts where you tackle the question "Explain the Name Behind Your Blog" and those post always make me think. Truth be told, I actually don't like the name of my blog. And I don't know what to do about it.

Firstly, I don't identify with the word "lesbian" - I actually hate being called a lesbian and have always spoken of myself as, and identified with, the word "gay". All of my friends have a silent understanding that they will not utter the "L" word in my presence, when it is in the context of me. No offense to the lesbian race... I just don't like the word for me.

Secondly, although I initially liked the "crazy" addition, I think this blog has grown out of the humour-based writing that I started with. I try to be an advocate for mental health and it bothers me when people misuse and abuse the crazy label (though I think there is a fine balance between having a sense of humour about depression (is that possible?) and treating it with the respect it warrants). Anyway, it was flippant, and now I'm not so sure.

Thirdly - and this is twofold - in real life, I use the word "mum," not "mom". I will never be called "mom" by anybody. I'm originally from Britain, and grew up with my mother being "mum" and I'd like to keep that going down the bloodline. Also, I'm not a mother anyway. Yet. I hope to be soon, but not yet. False advertising.

So why the hell did I name my blog "Crazy Lesbian Mom"? Honestly? Because I have worked in web marketing and know search engines pretty well. Because I wanted to be found by other lesbian moms, so I named myself as an easily-searchable one. Because "Clinically Depressed Gay-Identified Woman-Who-Wants-To-Be-A-Mum-One-Day" wasn't an option (not that it was taken, or anything). I just wanted to make sure that I was found and that I stood out for other people who were looking for the same support network that I wanted to belong in. And I wanted to be memorable.

But it doesn't really feel like "me".

I think it's too late to change though, because I fear that if I change something that drastic, I will lose people. It's hard enough for me to make a visual change. And maybe it's my experience with failure at re-branding products for selling stuff. Perhaps I need to get my business head out of this.

I've already started to change the way I leave comments on other people's blogs by introducing my name as well as my blog name - usually "~Lex (Crazy Lesbian Mom)". I hope to drop the parenthesis soon so that I will start being known and remembered as just "Lex".

I don't even have that many visitors to the blog - and my visitor count is actually dropping - which is why I feel as though I can't lose anyone. Have any of you gone through a drastic change that can provide me with some insight? I know some of you have moved over to Wordpress for privacy, but I think all of you have kept the same blog name. Also, does anyone else regret their choice of blog name?

What's even more funny is that yes, I get traffic to the site, but do you know how many people end up on my blog after searching for "hot lesbian mom walks in on crazy sex party with twins"?? (or something along those lines). If there is one good thing about this blog name, it's that I take sick pleasure in the fact that a bunch of dudes are ending up on a boring lesbian's TTC blog when they're looking for some crazy-ass porn.

On a less important note, but still important to me: The baby shit brown colours of this blog make me think of... well, baby shit brown. And the colour of hospital psych ward walls. For those reasons alone, I really do want to change the look of this blog, though I'm having a few reservations. I keep a whole lot of people on my blogroll (I feel that it's important to keep updating it) and when I visit other blogs directly, I love it when the layout and look of the site helps me differentiate between the blogs I read. It's the immediacy of "that's Olive / Strawberry / Pom" rather than the "who dat? ohh, I remember now." Maybe people remember me as baby shit brown. Hmm... even more reason to change things.

I don't know.

HSG Results

2011-06-30T14:53:00.000-07:00

Apparently I have a "good cavity" and my tubes are nice and open :)

Kind of the best compliment I've gotten in a long time.

(From someone other than Devon, of course).

In other news, I asked our RE about doing a BBT chart, and he kind of laughed and said to do it "as an experiment, if [I] want". Not sure where that came from, but experiment I will.

The plan is to do the first insemination(s) without drugs and see how that goes. Has anyone had experience with doing an ultrasound to see when the best time to inseminate is? Sounds like this clinic does it all the time...

August or September - not too far away!

Cycles of Conception

2011-06-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

Thanks for weighing in on the basal thermometer. I'm actually excited to start to track, and hope that I can get in the groove and not feel too frustrated with the whole ordeal.

It's funny. My witch doctor has been able to tell me the most random things about me that are true (I was originally a twin and my mother lost the other baby, I used to have a synthetically sped-up thyroid. She knows when my partner is sick because she can feel my body fighting off whatever my partner has, she once addressed in insane detail a recurrent nightmare I have that I told nobody about). Last week I saw her, and she "tested" my body (however the hell she does it) and came up with the best days for me to conceive. Part of me wants to believe her, because she's been pretty much right at everything else, but part of me is a bit skeptical just because of the days she chose to tell me I'd ovulate.

Day 8, 10 and 12 are apparently my most fertile days. Which just seems too early. Is it even possible that early in one's cycle to be ready to "receive"? She specializes in fertility, and has been doing this for years. We have a family friend who went to her after 7 years of infertility with her husband; within two months, the woman was pregnant. Similarly, another patient of hers was going through IUI with her partner and was trying on the days predetermined by the clinic. My witch doctor told her two switch insemination days, and she got pregnant that month. Coincidental? Maybe. But enough to make me think.

Anyhow, I think I am looking forward to doing my own investigation into my cycle, and I think the tracking of my own cycle will help with that. As soon as this (awful) period is over, I will start. Maybe it'll be day 9 or 16... who knows!

Basal Thermometer - Advice?

2011-06-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

I feel a wee bit daft about my last post, and I apologize for the bit of drama, but hey... it's all about learning, right? Thank you to Isa for pointing out that 1.68 times and 68% is the same number. I suppose it goes to show that, at least for me, the info can be confusing. Alas and anyway...

I have a question for everyone in the TTC world, and know how great you are at weighing in on things like this. As we have about 3 months before our first insemination, I want to start seriously tracking my cycle and ovulation. I have my period tracked for the last 2.5 years, but want to find out what days I tend to ovulate. My period is consistently 27 or 28 days.

Is using a basal thermometer the way to go? If used correctly, is it the most accurate? (I don't really want to spend money on ovulation strips unless I need them during the actual TTC time). If charting that way is the most tried method, is there a specific thermometer that is better than others? I want to go out an buy one for when my current period is finished, so we can start now. It's kind of exciting; it makes things feel more real.

Thanks, as always, for your input.

Miscarriage and Antidepressants

2011-06-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

[Transparency: I have edited this post with updated info, so that I don't add to the strew of misinformation around this subject]

Some of my major fears about carrying a child while on antidepressants were dealt with directly when we had our last meeting with the reproductive psych. Finally, everything I've read about congenital heart disease in newborns, tremors, developmental delays, addiction, major cleft palate and cleft lip, respiratory issues, etc etc etc., were addressed.

The doc said that there are three risks that have been well demonstrated, and therefore believed to be true. And tonight, I want to address just one. (Check back for others soon).

Pregnant women that are on antidepressants are more likely to miscarry than women that are not. But how much more likely?

And that's the thing that drives me nuts, and that I keep running into when it comes to the literature on antidepressants and pregnancy. An article in TIME and and article on CBC News both report on the same study in Quebec on the link between miscarriage and antidepressant use. Ready? Remember - this is the SAME study...

From TIME: "Researchers calculated that antidepressant users had a 68% higher risk of miscarriage than nonusers, after controlling for other influences that could potentially confound the association."

From CBC: "A study of 5,124 women in Quebec who had lost fetuses in pregnancy showed a 1.68 times higher risk of miscarriage among those who were prescribed antidepressants."

I've edited this post since I originally wrote it, because a wonderful reader pointed out that 68 and 1.68 are the same numbers... which in my haste and excitement, went over my head. And I don't want to add to the misinformation out there in the cybersphere. It just makes me realize that however educated I feel I am, specifically when it comes to reading about research, I get overwhelmed and confused by the literature and tend to get lost. And I can't be the only one.

This study - which asserts that women taking antidepressants have a 68% higher risk of miscarriage - is cited in every single link but one in the first 15 pages of Google search results for "miscarriage and antidepressants". I'm not saying that is a bad thing or a good thing; it just goes to show that once media pick up a story like this, it lasts forever. This is the result that people see when they do their research online. Based on one study.

And this is why I get frustrated with medical literature and the media that follows. It's hard to know what's a true representation of the source AND a true representation of a researchers results. And almost every study I read (from medical journals, not media), the results are either inconclusive or there is not enough evidence to suggest a risk. There is a huge unknown - and part of me realizes that this is a good thing. I am trying to be as informed as I can be, but the lack of evidence and the crappy reporting and the stigma around the whole issue makes it hard.

So yes, there is a risk of miscarriage. At least, out of just over 5,000 women in the study. But both articles mentioned that researchers still don't know whether it was the depression itself that caused the miscarriage or the antidepressants taken to treat depression.

I think I might be driving myself crazy wanting to "be informed". The information is so flippin' convoluted that I don't even know what to think anymore. It just makes me scared. Scared that I'm going to lose child after child, and then finally when I have a live birth, the baby is going to be so sick and malformed.

Awesome.

One Shrink, Two Shrink, Three Shrink, Four...

2011-06-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

There is a 7-month wait to see a psychiatrist in this province. And I have three psychiatrists.

In 2001, I was brought to a downtown hospital to undergo a "difficult patient assessment". There were 21 psychiatrists sitting on creaky metal chairs placed in a circle in a salmon-coloured room. Most of them were middle-aged white men. My father came with me and stayed in the room until I asked him to leave the room so that I could speak freely about my illness. The purpose of the visit was to see whether any of the 21 psychiatrists had new ideas about how to treat me, as I'd been treated for 4 years without any improvement and nobody knew what to do with me anymore. I had been on almost every type of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic, anti-epileptic (which also serves as a mood stabilizer). I had received almost 4 years of on-and-off electro-convulsive therapy. I had been locked up in isolation. The psych ward was more of a home to me than any other I'd ever lived in.

Out of that three-hour assessment, I walked away with two new psychiatrists - one to focus on medication and one to focus on talk therapy. I had major psychosis and several other symptoms of schizophrenia, so the talk therapist that took me on specialized in schizophrenia. I don't know whether he was "disappointed" that I turned out not to have it (I hope not), but he has, for over a decade, seen me once a week and I owe him my life, many times over.

My med shrink was incredible. Though I had/have treatment-resistant depression, he got me on a cocktail that eventually helped some of my symptoms: He stopped my psychosis immediately, and put me on anti-depressants that had not yet been approved by Health Canada (our version of the FDA), which actually helped some of my symptoms too.

And now, I have a Reproductive Psychiatrist too. Who is fabulous and has a plan for me to wean off what I can... and who will see me until one year after the birth of my child.

There was a time where I really did need a "power team" of psychiatrists, but I feel as though this is not necessary anymore. I think about all of the people in this city and province who are waiting to see someone, and though my decision to stop seeing my med shrink won't directly affect that (he will not see anymore patients regardless), I feel like I did the right thing by transferring my full care to my talk shrink.

But the break-up was hard.

The med shrink is the best shrink in this city - no exaggeration. He is known as "the doctor's doctor," as he only sees patients who are doctors or their spouses (with the exception of a few patients, ie. me). He was the first psychiatrist in my life who ever listened to me, the first to treat me with the respect that I deserved, the first that didn't shove me back on an ECT bed to have my brains shocked out.

He's become a bit of a father figure to me, and to him, I will forever be grateful. There were a few reasons I decided to break up with him (and it really did feel like a breakup), and mostly, it had to do with becoming pregnant.

In his last email to me before I told him I would not be seeing him anymore (the only shrink I have ever dealt with who gives his personal email, home phone number, etc.), he warned me about lowering the medication I'm lowering now, saying that the last time I did so, I became incredibly ill. I appreciate his concern, but I need to do this. I need to do this for me, and for the health of my baby.

Am I scared? F*ck, yeah. Most people could never imagine leaving his care once they were able to get in with him, and though I'm nervous over my decision, I feel like it's the right one. I must now put my faith in my talk shrink, who I've been seeing for almost as long, who is a great doctor, and who knows how badly I want to have a baby. In all honesty, he seemed a bit nervous when I told him what I wanted, as the pregnancy adds another layer, but I'm sure he'll be great.

Even though I feel like I made the right decision, it's been incredibly hard. There have been some pangs of regret. There have been some anxious moments where I feel like I've given up so much.

I guess it's all part of this messed-up journey.

Pregnant Dreams

2011-06-09T20:34:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for your comments on my last post - I am forever amazed by y'all in this blogosphere... you are incredible, and I'm lucky. Thank you, thank you.

There are a lot of things to elaborate on from last time, but today I just want to keep it light and ask a question to the masses. When you were / while you are trying to conceive, did you dream about it ALL the time?

Literally every single night, I dream about having a baby. And I don't mean "literal" in the overused non-literal form of itself, but in the literal sense: Every. Single. Night.

Whether it's the getting ready to be pregnant part, the conception part, the being pregnant part, the almost-birthing part... I dream about it all, EXCEPT, I have yet to have a birthing dream (thank god). Last night I dreamed that we got pregnant with a girl, and then two months later, we got pregnant with a boy, and we were trying to figure out if we should raise them as twins or not. Go figure...

I imagine I am certainly not the only one with this "issue"...?

I have to say, if having a real baby inside a real tummy feels anywhere near as amazing as it does in my dreams... I can't frikkin' wait.

What do pregnancy dreams mean anyway? Check out the article where the above picture is from.

An Honest Post

2011-06-07T19:57:00.000-07:00

I was seriously considered shutting down this blog over the last few weeks, for reasons that I will explain, but before I go on, I have to say that within a week, everything feels like it has changed dramatically.

Every day I'd open Blogger and feel as though I was straining for content. I didn't feel like I had anything to say. My partner and I weren't on the same page, and the actual "trying" in this "trying to conceive" blog was getting pushed farther and farther away - almost a year away - and I've already been writing for a year, with, what I felt, was very little movement. I am not saying that the TTC journey does not and should not include years of planning, talking, and thinking before the actual insemination, but to me, it just felt like that was all it was.

On top of that, my illness is complex, and makes all of the little things about pregnancy planning all the more complex. It's painfully slow, and sometimes doesn't even feel like it could be possible. I did not have a job after next month, when my contract runs out. Pregnancy just seemed such a far away thought, even though it encompasses so much of my present thoughts. I felt that, as a blogger/writer, I had run out of things to say, and no-one wants to read a blog about nothing.

But nothing has suddenly turned into something, or some things - plural. I won't write about them all in one post, and there are a few things that I really want to elaborate on, so for now, here are a few bullet points in my life:

I am covering a mat leave at work, which ends in August. This week, I found out that they have created a position for me and I will continue in my (wonderful) job permanently... meaning I can take my own damn mat leave whenever I want.

After much thought, I am breaking up with one of my psychiatrists (which is a huge deal for me), and will be working primarily with my "talk shrink" and my reproductive shrink to get ready for this baby.

As of last night, I am lowering one of the medications I've been on for 10 years. It will be a 12-week process, and once it is over, my repro psych feels that the medications I am on are relatively healthy for pregnancy (will expand more in other post).

Devon and I have decided that once those 12 weeks are up, we will be ready - like really, really ready - to start the actual insemination process.

On that note, Devon has been amazing and I finally feel like this is OUR journey and not just mine... and I really, really needed that. And she really, really needed that too.

Devon is potentially moving jobs and putting off going back to school until this babe is born.

We have decided to sell our house and move into the city in the fall (we'd originally put it off until next year, for financial and time purposes, which didn't please either of us).

I'm making our next appointment with our RE to go over our HSG results, which hopefully came back clear.

Oh, and one more:

I'm ecstatic.

P.S. And thank you for not giving up on me when I started to give up on myself. Your own stories and support have always kept me going.

The Boys Are Back In Town

2011-05-21T15:27:00.000-07:00

We are thinking about using a known donor.

But only once or twice - or for one or two (literal) shots - and if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. If I don't get pregnant, we'll use an anonymous donor.

But there is so much to think about. Here's the situation: We have really great friends, Adam and Alec (a gay couple) who moved to Toronto last year to do their respective Masters degrees. They are coming home in a few months this summer... around the time I will be ovulating. We are not interested in doing the long-distance TTC thing, but what about the month they come home and - if that doesn't work - another month when we can fly out to Toronto (we have family to visit there anyway)? I know there is a lot to think about, but part of me just thinks it would be so easy... and cheap... and part of me thinks, a lot safer than an AD.

Adam and I have been close for years. He's brilliant, good-looking, and has an amazing personality. A few years ago, we got drunk and had the following awkward conversation:

Me: "You wanna father my child?"

Adam: "Sure, why not. I'd be honoured!"

Me: "We could do it old school. You could put a magazine over my face and just... go."

Adam: "Okay..."

Me: "I may not be as tight as you're used to, but honestly, Alec can be in the room if that would help you, you know, get there."

Adam: "Awwww... that's so sweet. You know... I don't think I'd need to put a magazine over your face!"

Me: "Awwww... that's so sweet. I love you."

Adam: "I love you too."

Yeah. Good old Gin & Tonics!

I wouldn't obviously sleep with him; I'm not interested in that. But I do think that he actually would be honoured to donate his goods. Devon and I both agree that he has some really great qualities that would be good to have in our kid, but there are a few things that we're stuck on.

Legally, I have no worries. We would make sure that all the legalities are dealt with - have him give up parental rights, etc. We would also obviously ask him to get tested and make sure everything on the medical level is taken care of too. We would make sure he has no expectations of playing the Mark to our Callie and Arizona fairytale. I want a family of three, not a family of four.

The thing I'm having the most trouble with is people knowing. I don't want people to think, "Oh, Lex has Adam's child / Adam is the father of Lex's child". I want the child to be Devon and my child. Full stop. But it's not fair to ask him to keep a secret and take it to his grave, with only his partner, Alec, knowing. I would not ask that of anyone. And sure, maybe we could call him "Uncle Adam," like any other friend would be Aunties or Uncles...but other than that, I don't want him having any further "privileges."

But I trust that if it doesn't feel right when we hash everything out, we won't do it.

He's very young, and I imagine that in a few years, he would like to have a family. I don't know if that adds another layer, but it's something to think about too. Would I give one of my eggs to him? Maybe. I don't know. I would like to think that I would help out a best friend to help make a dream come true. I'm not saying this has to be a give-and-take thing, and that we would be donors to each other, but it's a good test.

I think my biggest hurdle is getting over the fact that people will know that Adam "fathered" my child. I fear that the child will be known as "Adam and Lex's kid" - if not to my face, behind it. But is that just me not giving my friends enough credit? They *are* educated; perhaps it's simply my own hang-up.

Other than that, I'm happy to deal with the medical and legal matters. I trust that regardless of Adam's decision, it would be a completely respectful conversation (I won't drink any G&Ts before it - or anything for that matter). I feel like it's worth putting out on the table, and, as I said, if it doesn't sit right, we won't go there.

Am I crazy to think that it might just work out?

Am I forgetting a vital part to this equation that would put a halt to this daydream?

Antidepressants and Pregnancy Research

2011-05-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

I do a little bit of medical research for my job, so spend quite a bit of time on PubMed, an international online database of all peer-reviewed medical journals, which I've learned how to navigate extremely well for work. This is both a blessing and a curse. At some level, I love being able to follow some of the research in depression and pregnancy, and at others, there really isn't a hell of a lot of anything good to say.

I work with scientists who study and treat everything from childhood diabetes to cystic fibrosis to pre-eclampsia. My background is certainly not in science, though part of my job is to translate research findings into laypersons terms so that the media gets interested. It's incredible how much "breakthrough in cancer treatment" gets picked up immediately, even if it's not a breakthrough at all but one simple finding in rodents, while top-level immunology research that is actually helping people right now gets lost, because it's not sexy enough.

We have a handful of doctors at the hospital that research antidepressants during pregnancy and I can't help but follow their work. One of the doctor is very anti medication in pregnancy, while another is working on safe levels and another differs entirely and so on and so on. Even in the medical field, when black and white answers are the ultimate goal, there is so much variation on what is safe. The bottom line is, there is such a huge unknown when it comes to prenatal safety, because really, who wants to be in that study?

Our reproductive psych gave us a website resource that is apparently really good for "real life" stats and research on medication and pregnancy. Not the medical jargon and not the wives tails, but somewhere in between. Devon and I really want to sit down and go over it together, and hopefully find some peace in the findings. We haven't been in the same place at the same time for a while, but I hope that will change over the next week or so as a few things in our lives calm down.

I wonder how many unreported medicated pregnancies there are - there has to be quite a bit, especially with the stigma that surrounds it. Regardless of the medication, I wonder how many women keep it to themselves because of the shame. Or maybe none. Maybe I'm just trying to figure out why I feel like I'm one of the only people in the world who has this on her mind. Or in her heavy heart. I know that's a really selfish thought, but it's my thought, today.

HSG, easy as 1-2-3. Or 4. Or, not so much, actually.

2011-05-14T11:43:00.000-07:00

I went for my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test on Thursday.

Devon is out of town in Calgary for a conference and I got a call a few days ago from the radiologist’s office for a cancellation appointment. I took it, even though I wanted her there and she wanted to be there. I had already been turned away the month before and didn’t have an appointment this month and was told to “call back and try to make an appointment for next month,” but was warned that it was hard to get in. [The receptionist told me not to have sex on Tuesday or Wednesday night and I kind of smiled over the phone. I had sex on Wednesday. Ha.]

Although I really wanted the support, I figured the important part was the results, and that this was just a blip to get there. Devon did ask me to call someone as a backup to pick me up after if I couldn't drive, so I ended up telling my sister-in-law, because the only other person who knows we're going through this was with clients. I actually felt kind of good telling my SIL. She's got four kids and has been excited for years for us to start a family. I felt like I was actually doing something worthwhile in her eyes.

I dropped Dev off at the airport and then went to the clinic. I changed into the god awful paper gown and sat in the change room and waited, shivering, until a lovely older Scottish nurse asked me to come in. I hopped up on the table/platform and shuffled my ass down to the bottom.

She asked me if I had gone online to read about the test. I said yes. She said what was on the internet wasn't true. That it didn't hurt. That didn't really calm me that much (and then I looked up reviews of this specific clinic afterwards and read a few horror stories... I guess that's what she was referring to).

Radiologist walked in and introduced himself. He was wearing a headlamp. Awesome. He was good at the beginning about letting me know what he was doing, but then after some frustrations, he stopped talking. He inserted the speculum and washed me out with antiseptic three or four times - which was an odd feeling of cold rushing through my body. He asked me to lie my legs down flat, and he pulled the xray machine over me. Extremely uncomfortable.

The speculum kept slipping. He kept having to turn the overhead lights back on and then opened me up further and reinserted it. He did this four times, and each time, it hurt more. He looked at me the last time and said, "I hoped not to have to do this, but it's not staying in the right position, so I'm going to have to stretch you open". Ugh. And then the dye was inserted into me.

I have a hard enough time with paps, so this was tough. On the booking form, it said it would take 30 minutes, which I originally thought was the length of the actual HSG test, but luckily the test took about 15 minutes. Would probably be more like 5 if the speculum had actually stayed. He kept telling me that I might feel a pinch and/or feel crampy. I felt both.

On the second or third time, I just gritted my teeth, closed my eyes and repeated my mantra over and over to myself: "This is for my family. This is for my family. This is for my family."

I suppose I could've asked about the test results right then and there, but honestly, I didn't want them to be the ones telling me if there was something wrong, and I also wanted Devon to be there with me when I find out. The ~~miner~~ radiologist left the room. The nurse asked me to stay on the table.

I looked down and (pardon the TMI) there was a bloody chunk on my gown. Like a chunk from my insides. The nurse told me to put on a pad, in case the dye leaked out. She said I might bleed a bit and feel crampy. When I went to change, I went to the washroom and I was bleeding quite a bit. I continued to bleed a little bit for about two hours. I went straight back to work, called Devon as she was boarding her plane, and felt like I was having moderate period cramps all day.

But it was just one day. Yesterday, I felt fine.

I went to my best friend's house yesterday. She is on her second month of trying to get pregnant. She is using ovulation sticks and had had sex already that day, and was going to again after I left. She kept saying "I could be pregnant right now. Today could be the day." And I just felt sad. The pains - physical and emotional - that we have to go through to "keep up" with the breeders is starting to hit. I hope she got pregnant yesterday. And I hope that I am not too far behind.

Baby-Making in the Making

2011-05-07T15:29:00.000-07:00

Devon and I had our appointment with our second reproductive psychiatrist yesterday. She was lovely, and although she was late to see us, decided after the hour that she wanted more time with us, so asked us if we would be willing to come again. I like a shrink that is thorough, despite a busy schedule.

The last time we saw a repro psych, she was great, but basically said that my illness is too complex, and that she hadn't ever had a patient like me before, and she didn't know how to treat me. But nothing stopped this new doc. She spent an hour just asking me questions about my past and my present, going over the different degrees of my mental illness. She told me that she didn't have my full patient file and that she would order it, book off some time to go through it, and then see me again to figure out the best way to have me have a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby, and a healthy me. Basically, she gave me hope.

It was actually wonderful to have Devon in the room with me and answer all of these intense questions. Although I don't keep secrets from her, I don't talk much about my past - mostly because I don't remember much (I lost over a decade of memory... a story for another post, another day) - but also because I am so not "that girl" anymore. But I felt really comfortable with the whole experience, and I appreciated the support so much. And I like that we're doing this kind of thing together. That makes me happy.

Once the shrink gets my full file (she's going to need a wheelbarrow) and analyzes it, she is going to have us back in the first week of June. The thing I like most about this, besides the attention to detail, is the fact that she wants to hear from me after she reads my file. She made it clear that she trusts "my side" more than anything.

Although our next appointment is to go over the specifics of my medication and the risks/benefits during pregnancy, she did mention that generally, the three medications in question are mostly safe in pregnancy. She said she had a lot of respect for me getting off my benzos over the last few months, and said that working with the existing meds is "doable". Obviously, there is a lot of layers to this and a lot to talk about still, but it seems doable.

It's doable!

We all agreed that getting down to the minimum amount of medication is the best method, so we will put a plan-of-attack in place soon, and get this show on the road. It has felt like there has been a lot of waiting and stagnancy, but I know that Devon and I are doing exactly what we can do. We had a good talk today about priorities, and put a bit of a life plan together, which involves potentially putting off the selling of our house this year to save our sanity. And probably our relationship. But, unlike our past plan to wait until we move before TTC, we were both clear that if we put off the selling of our house, that didn't mean we had to put off the baby-making plans.

I like this plan.

So, it looks like things are falling into place. I don't see any reason why we wouldn't jump into the specifics after we have a medication plan. Dev and I had some weirdness around the baby (I felt she wasn't as involved as she could be / she didn't feel as though I was involving her, by rushing the process after she asked me to wait until she was ready), but we had a great talk today, and again, I feel very hopeful.

And I love that she is still on board. Another thing to feel blessed about.

She's pretty awesome, and I'm pretty lucky.

In the Hands of a Psychopath

2011-05-03T20:29:00.000-07:00

I don't often write about politics, but last night, I watched my country go to shit in the hands of "our" version of George W. Bush. A severely-right-winged nutter has just been re-elected as Prime Minister, but this time, with a majority government (meaning he can actually do stuff at will).

Canadian politics are probably just as confusing as that damn electoral college vote in the US, but I'll explain in one sentence how elections work, taken from a friend of mine explaining it to an American: "Take a scare crow out of a cornfield, stick a bad wig on him, and apparently Canada will elect him."

The thing that pisses me off more than the actual win is the dreary below-50% of people who actually voted. There were major campaigns to inspire young people to vote, but they did not work. We just... lost it to the generations that want multi-billion dollar fighter jets over health and childcare. Tax cuts for the rich and social services funding taken from the poor. Although Harper promised not to open the issue, I will bet all of my hard-earned money that the abortion laws are about to change.

It scares me. It scares me because, three years ago, I watched my neighbours to the south elect a man who promised change, who had some colour (literally and figuratively), and who seemed to fit the people, and as a result, their country has made leaps and bounds since being under Bush's rule. I am certainly not an expert on Obama - I know some of his policies are not ideal, and I know presently there is a lot of criticism with bin Laden's death - but in general, he seems like a pretty cool dude. At the very least, he installed hope in a country that had none, and that's a pretty damn good "least".

I am married to a woman, want to start a family, and have a chronic illness. I need to feel safe in my same-sex marriage laws, confident in knowing there are resources for my future child, and have accessible health care. Like, really, really accessible health care. I feel completely helpless and unsupported by my country. And that sucks.

Because Canada has the possibility of being something so great. And yesterday, we fell short.

If we only cared about our politics the way we do about our hockey... then things would change.

[image source: Veterans Today]

This is what my dining room looks like right now

2011-04-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

Yup.

Need to pee?

All Domesticated 'n Stuff

2011-04-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

Devon and I made a deal. I will be domestic, and she will be the labourer.

It came about because I expressed my unhappiness with the constant state of chaos that these house renovations are putting us in. Our house is almost not-livable. I hate this town. I want to move back to the city. We have a great condo, but we're never home, and when we are, we're working on it... I have had enough.

But I can't be done with it, because it's not done.

Devon suggested that I take care of the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry and all things typically domestic. In "return," she is doing the majority of the renovations. I have no problem with the work - I'm capable of painting and tiling and changing light fixtures and all that good stuff... it's just that I absolutely need my weekends to rest up, and when we're putting in work on the house after eight hours of work and three hours commuting, it's exhausting.

But here's what I've noticed: Since taking on the domestic duties, I'm bloody exhausted. I don't know if it is because I am still doing what I can for the house (I painted the bathroom in the dark for Earth Day) or because I'm not actually this used to doing so much to "keep" the house, or a combination of the two.

I realize that Devon and I make so many excuses for ourselves. I can't count the amount of times we've said, "We deserve a break so bad... we owe it to ourselves to rest tonight" and then end up zoning out playing Angry Birds in stereo on our iPhones. Which, I know is sometimes needed - just not every night.

I also realize - more importantly - how much I rely on Devon to take care of things so that I can take care of myself. This whole concept can be dangerous, as we have spent many a lustless hour trying to talk our way out of the "caregiver" and "child/patient/needy" roles. When you're essentially taking care of someone beyond the normal, equal duties, there is nothing sexy about a lover. Really. And considering the way I feel about sex, I do everything I can to move away from these roles. I like sex waaaaaay too much.

Historically, we've done everything together. We go grocery shopping together every Sunday. We spend the day cleaning. We cook together. We do renovations together. We both go out for simple tasks like picking up a meal or getting gas. Some might think it's great to have someone to share these mundane tasks with, and sometimes it is... and sometimes it's a bit telling for the dynamics of a relationship.

I'm so glad I married my best friend, I really am. But we both deserve autonomy and a life outside of each other. We deserve our own friends and our own hobbies (which is hard because we met through a major mutual hobby in our lives and were brought together by mutual friends). We deserve to live our own lives AND celebrate our life together.

It becomes layered because we have one car and we both work in the city and so when a friend calls up and asks me to come over for a visit after work, I basically have to ask Devon if it is okay and to ask her to find her own way home, which isn't a big deal except that the last commuter train home is at 5:45 and if you don't catch it, you're screwed.

I honestly wouldn't change it for the world though. I feel as though I have someone who supports my every breath, and I think I give back just as much.

And I am lucky that I have someone who wants to climb up a ladder to patch the ceiling when she gets home from work, while dealing with a wife who is trying not to burn everything I try to make in the kitchen.

I am such a bad cook and the food has been terrible. But I am trying. I actually miss having someone to grocery shop with, to cook with, to fold laundry with... not because I am needy of Devon to be with me for every little thing I do, but because it actually helps with the workload!

How do women who have to do all this shit do it?

[Image source: Anne Taintor]

Telling the Parents 101

2011-04-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

With Easter come and gone, this year more than ever, religion has been on my mind. I wrote a story about my crazy religious past and how it has affected my adulthood... and how it may affect the way I bring up my child. Religion is such a great issue, and on The Next Family site, you'll see many many people who are in similar boats when it comes to the topic of religion. Great reads all around.

We spent Easter with my parents, one of my brothers, and his wife and four kids. There was no Jesus, just the Easter bunny. Visiting my parents is always a bit difficult for me, as I have a tendency to collapse into myself when my mother is around (I'll save our relationship for another post!) but I really did keep true to myself this weekend, and didn't back down around her, which I was both surprised about and grateful for. I am practicing for when it is time to tell my parents about Devon and I trying to have a baby.

I imagine the conversation will go something like this:

Me: Mum, we're going to have a baby.

Mum: No, you will not! Are you crazy?!

Me: Yeah, you're right. Okay, okay... we won't.

Kidding.

But a little help on how to break the news?? This is still a big one for me, and I've yet to figure out the words. We had such a hard time five years ago when we told them we were getting married. And that was "just" marriage. This is a baby. A baby that I hope my mum will be game to have be a part of her life.

They came around with the wedding. I hope that they will do the same for a grandchild.

Blast Off

2011-04-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

May 6th.

I got a call from the office of reproductive psychiatrist that my shrink put a referral in for. I was on a cancellation list and a date came up this Thursday, which I took. She called back three minutes later saying she made a mistake - that she didn't realize the referral was for a specific doctor in the clinic - and I guess she felt bad, so booked me into the first spot this doc is available. May 6th. Less than 2 weeks.

This is my appointment for my "pre-pregancy medication consult". This is the date where I will really get to dig into the details of what specific medication means what during pregnancy. What can I come off, what else is not worth it to my health and the future baby's? This is the big question - is it even possible to do? Will there need to be major changes in my medication before we even start trying, or do we make changes as it all happens? So many questions...

I'm excited for numerous reasons, not the least because things have felt a little stagnant lately. Devon is focused on other things and we're trying to get the renos done to sell the apartment and baby-talk would probably just throw her (us?) over the edge. I get it. I don't like it, but I get it.

Another thing I did today, which is big for us, is actually make an appointment with a financial adviser/planner, also for May. Our financial priorities are so vastly different in this relationship and have always been, and it as been getting to me more and more lately. With Devon potentially going back to school next year (yay) and us potentially going through with TTC this year (another yay), we have some serious figuring to do. Hopefully this meeting will help us make money less of a horrific topic to talk about.

So, again, things are moving. Slowly, but I have faith this is the launch of all things active. I will also be doing my HSG test early May, so that will be another thing on the list. We still don't have a time line, and I would love a concrete plan, but I'll take this. Today, I'll take this.

What Do You Say?

2011-04-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

Regardless of the fact that I have experienced quite a bit of turmoil in my short little life and am quite knowledgeable about mental illness, I still haven't a clue what to say when people tell me they are sick.

This week, I was introduced via email to a friend of a friend, who was recently put on anti-psychotics and wants to come off. My friend put us in touch so that this woman would get a chance to speak with someone who has gone through a similar experience. She's in the U.K. so there is an email in my inbox when I wake up and I try to email her back so that she wakes up to the same. The last line of her email was "I'm scared that this apathy will never end". I don't even know what to tell her, except that it will. In time. In fact, I promised her just that.

But I also know how hard it is when you're in a situation like that and people tell you to "hang in there" and that this will "all be over soon". I'll tell you right now, hearing those words when you're depressed just makes you more angry. But what else is there to say?

I get a lot of requests to council other people through tough times. I do some public speaking about the stigma of mental illness and the importance of getting help, and there is always someone waiting for me when I get off stage and they have a range of questions, but stripped down, everyone asks, "When will this go away, am I really going to be okay, and how the fuck am I supposed to get through this?"

What do I say? "I know." Just "I know." It sounds demeaning and I don't mean it to be, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I figure it is less of a slap-in-the-face than some of the alternatives. I do say more - in time. And if you sit down with me, I can walk you through a lot. People usually tell me afterward how great it is to have my support, but really, there aren't words I can say, and I feel completely helpless. Sometimes I just share the same space with them, so they don't feel as alone.

It is horrible, not fair, and extremely scary. It's debilitating and feels never-ending. It's lonely and dark.

I know. I really, really know.

The Corporate Noose

2011-04-14T22:06:00.000-07:00

Calling in sick to work is not something I do very easily; it is always a big tug on the old guilt noose. I was that perfectionist girl who worked extra hard until minutes before she ended up in the psych ward on suicide watch. It's just a part of who I am.

I didn't realize I was as so burnt out until Tuesday night, when I was at a family dinner trying to refrain from killing my mother, and almost lost it on her stoic, Scottish self (my 5-year-old niece had just been at the hospital that day for major stomach pain and my mother was telling her to stop faking it and to stop crying so the adults could relax. I had flashbacks to my childhood). I did not want to go home at the end of the night because I didn't want to get up in the morning. A bit telling...

Devon is away in Miami for work, and I have been alone this week, which I actually enjoy on the most part. There is a lot of work to do around the house, and it's not like I've had much of an opportunity to relax, but there is something to be said for sitting on the couch in your underwear eating chocolate and staying up too late watching ~~porn~~ bad TV. It took everything in me to call in sick yesterday. I had to remind myself that I do not save lives and that the world would go on okay without me at my desk. So, I finally realized how bad I needed the day off, and probably for the first time in my working career, called in sick when I wasn't *that* sick (physically). I just feel like I'm losing my head, a bit.

There is good news about work though. I am covering a one-year maternity leave, which is coming to an end in August. There was some talk of creating a new position for me, which has gone through about seven different levels of management and I have not been able to get an answer for months, but just found out that the position has been approved. I do still have to go through an application process, but I'm hopeful that if I do apply (which I will), the position will be mine. Would just like to sign on the dotted line though.

The best part about a job in this company? The fertility clinic is in the building next door. I can leave at lunch and get inseminated and be back at my desk well within the hour. How convenient. Honestly, that is part of my motivation to stay, as effed-up as it sounds...

I went back to work this morning and actually got more done in half a day than I have in the last week. There has been a lot of staring-through-the-screen-thinking-of-nothing time over the past few weeks, so I feel a wee bit rejuventated.

Two weeks in Maui would be nice about now. It frikkin' snowed here today. And I know I live in Canada [in an igloo, with my dogsled], but I can't remember the last time it snowed this late in the year.

[image source: payitforward4profits.com]

The Other 50%

2011-04-10T11:04:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all of your comments on my Canadian sperm bank post ~ definitely more things to look into. We are close(ish) to the States, so it is a possibility to cross the border and have a day of sperm bank debauchery. We laughed at the possibility of heading down, renting a motel off the side of the highway, having sperm delivered there, inseminating in the motel room, wait for a bit and drive home... sounds dirty. And plausible, actually. I can't imagine going through the border with a mobile freezer full of swimmers. Would give those border guards something to talk about, at least. Failing that, we pay the extra money to import. (Thanks Allison for the cost breakdown).

As for choosing a donor, we're a bit stuck. Obviously, the child would have 50% of my genes (really? Wow Lex, thanks for enlightening us ;) It's funny though - Devon and are are extremely similar in our character traits: we're both extremely musical, pretty artsy, similar sense of humours, we're both creative and use the right sides of our brains far more than the left. I am (or was) very athletic earlier in my life - like playing sports at a national level. Devon wasn't sporty, but was more into theatre and music. I had a really rounded interest in music, creative arts and such. Basically, aside from my old sporty self, we're art nerds.

So, with both sides being very similar, it's funny what goes through our heads. Do we pick a donor that is more interested in sciences and math so the kid rounds out? Or do we pick a donor that really is artsy and hope our kid ends up able to do long division (not that kids do long division anymore, really)? My first priority is to find someone who is as close to Devon as possible, so my gut says go with the artsy donor. And really... who says the kid is going to end up getting the creative genes anyway - it will probably grow up to love calculus and astrophysics just to spite us. Friends of ours had a baby last year - the bio mom is white and the "other" mom is native. They went with a native/african american donor and the kid ends up with blond hair and blue eyes. Figures...

I do want to find a donor who is similar in look to Devon. A few posts ago, I did talk about finding someone with her heritage (Eastern European), but in all honesty, she doesn't have an Eastern European look. We talked about it this week, and she said she was happy to go with someone with a different background. It's Canada... there are so many different looking people here.

It's a bit frustrating because I want a bit of Devon in that kid, and that's not going to happen. A long time ago, we talked about using her brother's sperm, but it just didn't sit right - there are just too many layers to that. So I think we'll probably use the facial matching that some banks offer. Although there isn't a male version of Dev out there, I want to come as close as possible. I want to look into my baby's eyes and see my wife... somehow. I know Devon will love that kid regardless of how it looks, but I want to do everything I can to make it so that she does add the other 50% - through avenues outside of biology - to our future child.

Cocktails & Dreams

2011-04-06T20:09:00.000-07:00

I went to my witch doctor today. My chronic pain is bad again, but she thinks it has everything to do with withdrawal from anxiety meds. That, along with the dizziness, shaking, night sweats, headaches, bladder and digestive issues... just a few of the lovely things I am dealing with coming off this damn medication. I hope to God that if I do have to come off any more of my meds, it won't be this hard.

That said, I have had no anxiety symptoms is over two weeks. AND, I have slept. I actually feel somewhat normal again (despite the dizziness, shaking, night sweats, etc.) Devon and I are still sleeping apart, which sucks and I miss her. She's going away for work soon and when she comes home, I just really really want us to share the same space throughout the night. Part of me feels like we're living as roommates right now, because we're so busy working all day and then we just part ways and head to our separate bedrooms at night. Not really a great intimacy builder.

I think the worst of the withdrawal is over, and I still can't believe it's taken this long. Over six weeks since my last .25 mg and this shit still isn't out of my system. Powerful stuff. I really do hope that if my reproductive psychiatrist tells me to come off more of my meds, it won't be this hard. I just can't imagine actively TTCing through this - and I could take a few years to come down off some of my meds if I did them one at a time.

I'm on a wait list to see the new repro shrink. She's apparently a good personality match for me, which will be nice. I'm anxious to hear what she thinks about the cocktail I'm on and I hope she dives right in and gives me a plan that will make the most sense for the health of a baby and my health combined.

But really, a lot of it has to be a wild guess. I can't imagine there are many patients - especially going through one office - who are on the exact cocktail of meds and are going through with a pregnancy. I imagine the docs base it on expertise to a certain degree, but it's not like there is study after study of women before me. It's just not that cut and dry. If I was on your average dose of Prozac once a day, it would be one thing. But I'm not. Nothing about my illness is average.

So I dive into this a little blind and choose to trust, because that's all I can really do besides be as healthy as I can going in and controlling what I actually can control.

First I have to get that H.S.G test. Damn. Seriously, how bad does it hurt?