Trick or Treat

This year on Halloween night, D and I will be taking our nephews and nieces trick or treating... it's one of my favourite days of the year. Not only do I get to take my amazing little ones out, but I too get to go in costume - without even dressing up - I get to pretend that I'm their mom.

[photo credit]

People open their doors to my polite and adorable nieces and nephews, who look up at them with their  excited smiles, take their gifts and thank them profusely, and I stand back and hold a position of "oh yeah, they're mine" intense sense of pride. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

Probably not the healthiest thing, but fuck it - I may never get to take my own kid out, and the pride I hold knowing that these kids share just even a smidgen of their blood with me makes me feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

I may not be a mom right now, and I may not be a mom for a while, who knows. And then there is the other possibility, but I'm not going to write that today.  So, we all need to dress up some time, put on a mask and as adults, we really just have this one day a year where it's acceptable, so yeah - they will be my kids on Sunday. Their smiles, their eyes, their manners, their excitement, their energy, their love... it all comes from me.

Except if they misbehave ;-)

It Gets Better Project

Yesterday’s post was ridiculously self-absorbed and I had dreams last night of people coming at me wearing this T-Shirt:

[photo credit]

So, today, enough about me and more about the It Gets Better Project (and my sincere apologies for having my head shoved up my ass). I haven’t had a chance to fully explore the entire site, but the concept is amazing, and it’s something that needs to be done. Though I wasn’t suicidal in my teens because I was gay, I was suicidal in my teens… and nobody should have to go through that.

I am a long-time reader of Savage Love and now an avid listener of Savage Love Podcasts. Despite his often crude approach, Dan Savage has some brilliant insight into love, sex, sexuality, acceptance, and life. It takes a strong man to talk about what he talks about, when he’s up against conservative douches that no doubt were often the bullies he faced when he was younger.

Dan posted his own video with his husband, Terry, and for me, it totally personalized him from his usual harsh and witty self, and just made him a human gay being. Someone to relate to. Someone who, hopefully, some young gay kid out there will relate to, and will be inspired that life does get better… even if you are bullied in school for being gay.

Despite my mental illness during high school, I was never bullied. Mostly because I was good at putting on a face. I just succeeded in everything I did and was good to people, and luckily they were good back. Had I come out in high school, maybe things would be different. But I didn’t even know I was gay until I was in my early twenties (though in retrospect, I was head-over-heels in love with my grade 4 teacher, but really, who isn’t?)

Kids need more support. I am a huge supporter of children and youth who suffer from psychiatric disorders, and I’ve done videos and spoken at events and offered my support to individuals, and it has paid off big-time. These kids are starving for people to relate to, and are just looking out for that person who got through what they’re going through.

When I was a kid, I never in my life imagined living past 21. I just couldn’t fathom it. Now, I am functioning, happy (in spite of many adversities), and am blessed with amazing family and friends. Life is good.

Let’s help these kids out.

I'm a L-E-S-B-I-A-N

This is from Lizzy the Lezzy - made me laugh; thought I'd share.

You may say I'm a dreamer....

... but I'm not the only one.

Mr. Lennon was onto something.

Imagine if John was around today. I wonder if he'd have a blog. I wonder whether he would find solace in the fact that there are other bloggers out there who were peace activists and musicians, who had  homosexual managers that were attracted to them. Bloggers who wrote about being married to famous cello players. Maybe even bloggers who were later murdered.

When I went to New York 6 years ago, I had to visit Strawberry Fields - if not for my love of the Beatles, for my dad's lust of the Beatles. I didn't imagine (no pun intended) I would become emotional at the sight of the Imagine mosaic in Central Park, but I did. Maybe it was a time in my life where I was imagining the future... actually, I know that it was. I was imagining what it would be like to get married to the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Back to Lennon and the blogosphere. What I'm learning as a relatively new blogger is that there seems to be someone out there writing something that speaks to what you're going through. Most of the time.

I updated my blogroll today with great suggestions from three particular blogs: An Offering of Love, Insert Metaphor (awesome blog), and Schroedinger's Womb. Most are either blogs of gay women who are trying to conceive (TTC - new acronym to me!), who already have children (and seem to post endless photos of them... some even write about their poo, take pictures of their packed lunches, explain their three hour bedtime routine and update daily on how it went - some of this seems a little overboard, but in all honesty, if I ever have a kid, I'd probably do the same...) And then there are the bloggers who are trying and trying and trying to have a baby and are can't conceive. My heart goes out to all.

I have only yet found one lesbian mom who write about her mental illness: A Day in the Life of a Bipolar Turtle, though it is dedicated mostly to bipolar and not necessarily to how it affects being a mom.

I imagine that there are other depressed lesbians that want babies, but I haven't found a blog devoted to that yet, and it made me wonder whether the stigma of carrying a child while on medication has anything to do with it.

Though not my first choice, I will not come of all of my medications if I am going to get pregnant. It would not end well. I would not end well. And many out there may think that is selfish and hurtful to my non-existent fetus, but the literature is out there and it's interesting: it's not as risky as you may think.

It was mental health awareness week a couple of weeks ago, but nobody knew about it. It's a cluster of diseases which still go unnoticed and ignored, because it's crazy, right? Even I have my major concerns about pregnancy on medication, but I would never put my child at serious risk. And if it is a serious risk, I won't do it.

John Lennon: Maybe you wouldn't have found a blogger who wrote about their cello-playing, peace activist partner. And maybe I won't find a blogger who is a lesbian, clinically depressed, on medication, and ready and willing to get pregnant.

But I can imagine.

If you are out there, I'd love to hear from you...

Holding On...

I haven't even visited my own blog since the last time I wrote - haven't checked the email associated with it, haven't really thought about it. Why would I? It's a blog devoted to a woman and her wife who are trying to conceive, who are creating a family. A blog devoted to the special challenges that mental health and pregnancy brings. A blog devoted to my thoughts, read by nobody (or so I thought).

I was surprised to see that three people commented on my last post. And three might not seem like much, but it was so much for me. I didn't even see them until now, but I am so thankful for the words of encouragement from the three of you, to someone you don't know. I know it's the blogosphere, and it's easy to leave comments without really thinking about it, but these seemed genuine and personal, and for that, I thank you.

My marriage is going okay. It's actually going well. We are definitely heading in the right direction, thanks to the fact that we are both good talkers and listeners, and are very eager to improve on our respective selves. That, coupled with a good therapist and some great friends, has got us through this rough patch. And it wasn't just a little slip - there was talk of ending, leaving, and it was one of the scariest times of my life.

As I wrote in my last blog, I asked D about whether or not she still wanted kids, and she said "give me a while," which I did, and then I went even more crazy, because I feel as though I need to know either yes or no, so I can either plan or mourn, depending.

It has always been a tough subject to bring up, but it's been especially so since our crash (as I'm calling it). It makes me so anxious not knowing, and it makes her so anxious to even think about the possibility right now. My mood has been affected by not being able to plan, and by her reactions to me suggesting that this is something I need to know about right now.

But that's unfair. A lot of this is unfair. And as much as having a baby is one of the most important things to me (which is okay), my first priority is healing my relationship. I can't lose her. I may lose the ideal of a baby, but what's the use if I don't have a happy, healthy home to bring a child into? I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to get (even more) depressed. I don't think I can raise a child on my own. I don't want to raise a child on my own. I want this to be something D and I can share and go through and enjoy and experience and plan.

But the plan is on hold and I'm holding on.

We made a deal in therapy today: we are to put the baby talk aside and focus on living in the "here and now". Does that frighten the hell out of me? Yeah, but I know that this is what D needs. And this is what we need - to have this huge "subject" out of the other issues we can fix on and build - so that we can live and love and breathe and be. Together.

The deal has a time limit, which I guess is my side of the bargain. I can't talk about it at all (with D), until January 1st next year. And while that seems on the surface like an impossible task, it's actually okay... I don't know how to turn the baby thinking "off" (can you?), but I know that my first priority is to heal my marriage.

So, I may post here to get my thoughts out... I don't know. But here is no "Mom" in this Crazy Lesbian Mom blog yet, but that doesn't mean I can't write.

And for anyone reading who has any advice: How do you shush up the "oh-my-god-if-i-don't-talk-about-it-i'm-going-to-die" thinking?

Please Hold...

We had a fight. Like a really really bad one. Not a fight, a cathartic shift in our relationship. We are taking things day by day, and things are actually really scary. I never doubted in a million years that our marriage would be in jeopardy, and here I am, sitting at home (which I moved out of for a week), getting ready to leave again for 4 days, so that we can both work on our respective selves.

I screwed up, and I am facing the consequences, but so is she. I can't stand to see her this hurt. I can't stand to know that it's my fault. We both have hope that we can work through this, but in the cyclical nature of anger, hurt, pain, love, fear, and trust... we keep going around and around in circles.

I asked her if she still wanted a baby. She basically said, "give me a while". Baby is last thing on her mind, she has a relationship to work on first. And I'm fighting for her, to stay, to want me, to want a family.

As a result of my actions, my dream of pregnancy has been put on hold. Forever? I hope not. But perhaps... it's not like time isn't ticking. Please hold...

Pain. I am so, so sorry.

Happy Mommy, Happy Baby...

I haven't blogged in a long time, partly because of being busy, but mostly because I've been privately mourning the loss of something that does not exist.

I let my faith waiver, and after my appointment with reproductive psych - regardless of the fact that it was "information gathering" - I came to the almost 100% conclusion that I would never carry a child. And what does my profile say? Crazy lesbian mom. I'd be the crazy. I'd even be the lesbian. But a mom? No...

And I *was* opening up to adoption, so yeah, I would be the mom, just not the way I've envisioned it for years. In fact, I still think that adoption would be a viable and perhaps even easier way to go when it comes to D and I having a family.

Okay, I'm just going to jump right into it: I got the "okay" to carry a baby - healthily and (let's hope) happily. D and I had gone to repro psych, and done our own research on medications, depression and pregnancy. I think both of us didn't get our hopes up, because I promised D that I wouldn't carry if the risks outweighed the benefits (if it were up to me, I'd put myself at risk, but I really don't want D to have to care for a baby and a depressed mother... 2 babies).

So we finally went to my shrink, who has been my shrink for over a decade, and gathered some information from him. He basically looked at us and said "go make a baby" ... Yes, there are more risks, but they are not astronomical. I can stay on some medications and the baby will be okay. I will be okay. 

We both looked at him like he was just playing with us, and he said something which I sometimes forget: "You were really really sick, but that was years ago... you are a completely different woman, have an incredible support system, and are capable of so much" (I'm paraphrasing, but you catch my drift).

It was in the past, and though I struggle now with little dips, it is not these vast valleys of blackness that I used to drown in. I am healthy - not as healthy as a lot of people - but in the grand scheme of things, I am healthy.

He made a parallel to a pregnant woman taking medication for diabetes. Yeah, it's healthier not to be taking medication when you're pregnant, but people have to. His main message: "Happy Mommy, Happy Baby..." If I can stay on some medication that keeps me sane, and if my fetus isn't at some huge risk of anything life-threatening or disabling, I have faith that we can all do this - D, me and baby-to-be.

Average women who have average pregnancies can have babies with a lot of health problems. And not to say it wouldn't be awful to have a disabled baby, but we'd deal with it when we would have to deal with it. It makes me a bit nervous that yes - there are a few risks, but for instance, one of the biggest one (as a result of one anti-depressant) is a cleft palate, which is normally a .8% chance in babies, and would now be a 1% chance. 

Am I willing to take that 1% chance? Hellz yeah!

I couldn't believe it. I left the office and it still hasn't really sunk in yet. We can do this. I can have my dream. I can be pregnant - I CAN BE PREGNANT! Still in shock... good shock... And what's even better is D's reaction. I expected her to still be a little hesitant, but she's ecstatic too - and that means more than the world to me. I asked her "what next?" and she said, "look up fertility clinics!"

I know it's one doctor. But he's one of the best doctors in Canada. Seriously... I totally trust him, and he has complete faith that this will actually be in my best interest - he said that I may even feel a peace when I'm pregnant that I've never felt before - that some of the hormones may actually be extremely good for me. And as for post-partum, my chances are a hell of a lot lower than I expected. And, if I happen to fall into a depression: a) I know when I'm depressed, and after many years, know when I need to get help, and b) As I said, I have the best doctor in Canada, and he will be there, with a plan, when I need him. 

D is contacting some lesbian friends of ours who have had one child through IVF or artificial insemination (not sure) and their second through a surrogate. Other friends (another lesbian couple) will be having their little girl in mere days - and they did AI. We have many straight friends that have used clinics in our city, and I've been doing some research on those. Oddly enough, there actually aren't as many as I would've thought. But I guess it only takes one...

I am so freakin' excited. I want to do it NOW. But first, I have to deal with my chronic pain. I have a surgery assessment soon and will hopefully have some answers within the next few months. Once that is clear out of the way, we are going to barrel straight ahead.

Now... just one question: Who the hell's sperm are we going to use???

[photo credit]

Babies and Boys

I've become an aunt for the fifth time this week. I'm incredibly blessed, and love my nieces and nephews more than I ever thought possible.

Everyone is healthy and happy, and just thrilled with the new life - in all of my siblings' households... and though I feel lucky to have what I have, I don't have a baby for myself. Yet. And I don't even know when the last time D and I had a real conversation about it. We have a doctor's appointment this month, which is "the one" that makes or breaks our (my?) fate, which I've already rescheduled once and am looking forward to it in the most hesitant way possible.

The year is almost half up, and I feel as though it's just rushed by. And we haven't done much at all in our journey to parenthood. And we're only getting older. And it's scary. I've watched a niece and nephew born this year, and my siblings couldn't be happier, and I am jealous, a little guarded, and feeling like this is going far too slowly for my liking.

My best gay boy friends just moved away out of the city, and D and I (and the 4 of us) have joked about them being a donor - and we mean them... like have them jack-off into the same cup, swirl it around and pump it up inside, and then figure out who the father is when the kid ends up looking like whichever one of him.

It's become a running joke, but just before they left, I reminded one of them about it (we'd talked about it years ago), and he actually got a little sad that I freaked out and said "just kidding;" he said that he would be honoured. Seriously. And I almost took him in the back room to do it "old school". Am I that desperate? Perhaps...

But I wait - we wait - and find out what will be the best option for us. Do we get on an adoption registry before we figure it out? Before I deal with my issues around adoption? Before I give up my hope of carrying my own child?

As for donors, it would be nice and cheap to have best friends to do it, though there are so many layers to that. That said, there are layers to all pieces of this puzzle... and it's beginning to feel as though these pieces aren't fitting together right.

Perhaps it's a bit of unhappiness in other areas that is seeping through (work, money). Perhaps it's jealousy that I see all of my siblings with nice robust families. Perhaps it's because I'm losing my favourite fags to their more interesting life. Perhaps it's just the time of year. Spring... everything is growing new life. Even the orchid that I almost threw out over the winter because it hadn't blossomed in months. And now it's got two sprigs; twin growths.

I love looking through the extended families albums at all the smiles and facial expressions of older brothers and sisters seeing their new sibling for the first time - that pure, unobstructed love and... probably a little bit of fear...

Probably very similar to what I'm feeling now.

Gay Teens ~ Then and Now

[photo credit]

Not a heck of a lot different, no? ;-)