U/S 2 on CD10

I had my second ultrasound this morning, and it went a lot better than Sunday's in the emotional department. The doc did take his time, on the most part, and was a lot easier to talk to. It could've just been the day on Sunday, though I'm still not convinced, but, as Strawberry said, there is a possibility that I won't even have a need for him after this insem, which would be awesome :) So I'm going to focus on that.

It looks like the insemination will take place either Thursday or Friday. I go in on Thursday morning for another u/s and if I test positive on my OPK tomorrow morning, and if I'm measuring large enough, we'll go ahead with it on Thursday. If not, it will most likely be Friday (CD13). He talked about the possibility of giving me a trigger shot on Thursday, which I know very little about. I mean, I know that it's LH and what it's for, but is it a needle in the stomach?

First clinic visit with an added surprise

I had my first ultrasound yesterday morning.

I woke up on Saturday, took an ovulation test on CD7 and it was positive. Positive on two different brands. No other signs though (fluid signs only; temps do not work on me). Devon and I both looked at the happy face and looked at each other and beamed with joy.

Fuck, it’s early – but yay! It’s soon!

I called the nurse and explained that I got 6 positives in a row last month and that I was incredibly early in my cycle this month. She had me come in the next morning (crack of frikkin’ dawn on a Sunday) and have an ultrasound.

I tested again that morning on CD8 and it was negative. I’m guessing it was a false positive on Saturday (99% accuracy, my ass), so I felt a bit silly going in, but we both decided that it was a good chance to talk to the doctor about what’s been going on with my ovulation.

We were 9th on the list when we got there about 10 minutes after the clinic opened. Well, actually 8, but I didn’t know we had to take a number when we got there, so when the woman who arrived after us took one and sat down, I clued in.

It’s so flippin’ busy there, and on the weekend, they have one nurse and one doctor (who happened to be our RE). When it was my turn, I had no idea what to expect, so when the nurse asked me to “change,” I responded “How?” Shorts and undies off, towel wrapped around your bum, walk down the hall.

Devon didn’t come in the room, even though I wanted her. We just didn’t know how it all worked. Not long after I got in the room, my RE came in and shoved a business card in my hand. I was so distracted by, oh, I don’t know, the ULTRASOUND, that I didn’t even look at it. I put it on the chair. He asked me if I had a bag. (I didn’t). He picked the card up and shoved it back in my hand and told me to hang onto it. When the nurse walked in, he changed the subject quickly. I didn’t think much of it, then.

He asked me when I surged and I told him the day and then told him – tried to tell him – about the previous month of 6 positive OPKs in a row.  He repeated the cycle days I told him about, incorrectly, and then replied, “it’s normal to test positive two days in a row”. Um, I know it is. But how about 6?

I recognize that they are busy, I really do. But as I said later to Devon, when you are dealing with a woman’s vagina AND her emotions… take your fucking time. Especially if this is their first time doing something like this.

“Put this in yourself,” he said, as he shoved me the wand. [Okay, please don’t laugh at me, but in all my readings, I didn’t even think about the possibility of it being an INTERNAL u/s. I know that sounds stupid, but hey – if they can see an embryo through a stomach, couldn’t they potentially see a follicle that way too? I know, I know].

So, I put it in. And, because I had no other signs of ovulation, let’s just say I was a little too dry for doing that aptly on a Sunday morning. Ouch. Especially when he cranked it from left to right with no warning. (Looks like it’ll be my right side, which has 14 follicles. Is that a decent number?)

I tried to ask what was going on with the testing, but all he wanted to tell me was that it’s not too late, and that I didn’t miss ovulation. I tried to explain to him that I was aware that this probably wasn’t my time, but I wanted to clear up some questions I had, but he was pretty much out the door before I could get answers.

So I’m left in the room with a soggy feeling and a business card, which I finally read. It’s for a new fertility clinic opening in the city. And my RE is the medical director. Then I realize he had said something about me seeing him in his new office next month, but shut up when the nurse came in. He was trying to make a business deal the whole time I had my pants off.

I walked back out to the waiting area and said to Dev (quite loud for someone who usually mumbles), “we’re done here; let’s go”. People looked at me funny and Devon was visibly confused, but I just wanted to get out of there.

For the whole day, I just felt shitty. Shitty that my ovulation is tricking every brand of OPKs we buy. Shitty that my RE is taking off and going out on his own. Shitty that this first insemination is starting off on a peculiar foot. Shitty that we initially clicked SO WELL with this guy, and we may have to go RE-shopping (if we even have the choice). It just made me realize how this is such a for-profit business. I get why, but it just doesn't seem right.

Devon has a way of calming me down, and she did. I feel better now, and I’m still excited for this baby-making process, but I just want someone to be gentle with me. It’s a bit emotional, people, and I’m an emotional person. Perhaps not really cut out for this, but I guess it comes with the territory.

I’m to go back tomorrow morning to see if I’m anywhere near ready (CD10). I tested negative again this morning, so it’s doubtful, but hey – I’d rather be early than late.

We have an RE, a rapid heart beat... and a Canadian donor?

Yesterday was our first appointment at a fertility clinic. I was so flippin' nervous all day and the day before for that matter. We had to both fill out surveys to give medical history and menstrual cycle info - the usual, I assume. I could not get over the feeling that they would look down at my medical history, then look over at my medication list, then look at me and say, "Yeah, sorry. You can't have a kid. You're crazy."

I couldn't shake that feeling at all, and though it sounds ridiculous, it was in the back of my head the whole time.

We were virgins in the office and holy-oh, it is a busy place! And oddly oxymoronic... there were Anne Geddes pictures all over the place, like bunches of babies dressed as bunnies in flower pots (say that three times really fast), which was vastly opposite to the energy in the room, which was quite sad and dark, actually. There were three women without partners with them in the waiting room, an couple in their mid- to late-forties, a couple in their late-thirties, and us. Devon was desperately trying to make a deadline, so she was head down in paperwork. Everyone looked so frikkin' sad, it was awful. I was not sad, but I was incredibly nervous.

The nurse pulled me into this cramped little room to measure my height, weight, blood pressure and pulse. She got to my pulse last, and when she was measuring it, she told me not to worry, that the doctor was very nice. I smiled and tried to calm down. But my heart beat strong and loud. She actually giggled when she wrote the number down on the page. She told me again not to worry. Easier said than done in my world. My pulse was extremely fast - I shook it off as nerves...

We went into another cramped room and met the doctor, who had someone shadowing him. He was lovely - very sweet. His English wasn't fantastic, but he was very clear and took his time explaining himself. We went through my history, and when he got to my mental health, I just cringed. But he didn't. He asked me to be precise in the dates of when I was hospitalized, how long I've been on specific medications, and how my mood was now. I was honest. The conversation went deep into my history, and I found myself explaining my electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) history, as this lead to a seizure disorder. The two doctors were a little taken-aback with the extent of it all. (He was also taken aback when he read my pulse - enough so that he took it again... it was the same).

I was clear that I would be doing this under the guidance of a reproductive psychiatrist. The doc said that my illness is beyond his expertise, but that they would be certain to work extremely closely with my repro psych through this journey... yes, he did not dismiss me... I had to hear it again: they would be certain to work with... YAY!

I had already taken my fertility blood tests, so he was happy about that. But he has given me a referral to get a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). The one thing I liked a lot was that he didn't tell me I had to. He explained that it was painful and that it was not vital until they expected something was wrong, and then he said that considering the costs of IUI, I might consider thinking about getting the test done sooner, just so we're not wasting time and money at the beginning... but ultimately, it was up to me, and he'd be happy either way. It may sound small, but I appreciated it. And I am going to get the HSG sometime in the next two weeks. Can someone tell me exactly HOW painful they are?? Reading about them was not so pleasant.

Now, here's the kicker. I asked him all of the questions that you suggested the other day (thank you!) and when I was asking about sperm banks and the differences between sperm sold for ICI vs IUI, he explained what good ol' Canada has in place:

Health Canada (the Canadian equivalent to the FDA) has made it illegal to pay males and females for the donation of sperm and eggs respectively. I knew about the eggs. I wrote about that a while ago. So, in order to comply with government laws, Canada has a centralized third-party "sperm base": there is one sperm bank in Canada, where all the provincial/territory donors' sperm ends up and this is the only place in Canada you can buy sperm from.

He started to go into the legalities (which are apparently changing - I don't know to what) and I followed him for a little bit before losing him in terminology. From what I understood, it is illegal to buy sperm from the States (or anywhere else, for that matter). I did not push him on it, because I want to do some research on my own, but I'm very curious to find out.

In my readings, I found out that due to this new law of taking away paying donors, there was a sperm shortage in Canada (really?), and I don't know if that's improved. I imagine people still buy sperm from outside of Canada, but I don't know if it's illegal. It just seems so odd. If you know where to ship it to, and you have the ability and technology to safely deal with shipping frozen sperm, than what's to stop people from buying it off the internet, shipping it through the border in hopes that they don't confiscate it/arrest or charge you, and basically bringing it into their homes? Not to say that's what we're planning on doing, but it makes you think.

So, I guess we'll be using a Canadian donor. Nothing wrong with Canadians... there is just not as many of us as there are in our Southern neighbour (sorry, neighbor to you). At least Canada is a huge multi-cultural melting pot, so hopefully we will get some variety - even within the caucasian population. The RE did say that East Indian and African American people looking for donors of the same ethnicity are pretty much shit out of luck here, which is really sad.

Have to do more research, but definitely something that I didn't expect!

Need Input from TTC-ers

I've calmed down a bit from my last post, and things are better. Devon and I had a great talk this weekend. There is still a lot going on in our little lives and things still feel a little crazy, but I'm choosing to be thankful for all the things that are working right now, and I have a little more faith that in time, the other things will fall into place. Thank you for your support.

Yesterday, I filled out the paperwork for a referral to another reproductive psychiatrist. I've been to one before, who - although knowledgeable - was a little scary.  [I can't believe that was more than a year ago]. My own shrink says that the doctor he's now referring me will be a good fit for us. Plus, this is for an actual "pre-pregnancy medication visit". 

But, for the main event!: This Thursday we go to our first fertility clinic appointment. Through talking this weekend, Dev and I decided that our purpose is basically to information-gather, which is okay, I suppose. I feel like this whole TTC thing is going far too slowly, and we haven't even really begun, but I do want to be in a good place and be healthy and want for Dev and I to be on the same page - we owe each other, and our future baby, at least that.

I work in public relations/communications in the medical world, so I have been able to find out every last little snippet of published information about the doctor we're going to see (plus a few word-of-mouth tidbits). He looks great on paper; I hope he has a personality that fits us. Humour would be good. So would acceptance and understanding, of course. If all goes well, I may have to make up a blog name for a new RE!

So, dear TTCers and moms who got to be moms through TTCing, I would LOVE to hear from you. I don't know what questions to ask, aside from "what sperm banks do you work with". I don't know the ins-and-outs of the fertility world yet, and I know a lot of it will come with experience, but I feel like I have an advantage knowing many of you who have gone through this already. Do you have little nuggets of wisdom that you could share with a few lesbians going into this brand spanking new? What is the one thing you wished you had asked back at the very beginning but never did?

I know, I know. I have to be patient. I just have no idea how to be.

Thanks in advance!

Appointment MADE!

A special thanks to all of the people who encouraged me to check in on my appointment status at the fertility clinic – I called and spoke with some lovely people this morning, was very pleasant with them, and we have an appointment for the end of the month!

I would love to hear from people about gender. To get a female doctor, the wait is 3 months. To be seen by a male doctor, the wait is a mere week and a half. He is the head honcho of the whole program, was a medical director of a very high-up institution, and has an amazing CV… and yes, I’ve checked him out pretty well.

Maybe I am just anxious to see anybody at this point, but I would love to hear from people whether they made a similar choice – or a different choice to have a female doctor. Yes, it would probably be nicer to have a female under the hood, and I don’t want to say I’m a little desperate to get going… but I’m kind of desperate to get going.

The End of the Beginning, Maybe

Things are moving...

I think we've decided on a clinic - at least one to check out first. It's technically a reproductive health medical clinic, and nowhere on their website do they say anything about same-sex couples. In fact, it hardly even says anything - the focus is definitely on IVF, male infertility, and medical conditions that impede a woman's pregnancy. It is first and foremost a medical clinic, and once I looked into it, it seemed like I would have to have something physically wrong with me to be seen.

I thought I would've easily been able to pick up the phone and call them, but I put it off for a couple of days. I was ridiculously nervous. 

Although I have my own office with a door that shuts, I left to sit in my car; I didn't want to have to worry that Mr. Finance Officer who shares a wall with me might hear. Shaking a little bit, I dialed the number, got put on hold for a few seconds, and then a woman who seemed like she was in a rush answered with the clinic's name.

"Hi. I'm wondering if you work with same sex couples?"

"What?"

"Um... I was reading about your clinic online and I've heard really good things, but before we go further, I need to know if you work with same sex couples."

I don't know what I was expecting. Her laughing at me? Her saying, "fuck off, dyke"? Her saying that they don't support two women starting a family. Her telling me that I was going to burn in hell?

Her answer came after what felt like minutes, but it was probably immediately after I stopped speaking, "Oh, yeah. Sorry, I just didn't hear you... Yes, we do."

So, I wanted to just make an appointment and go as soon as possible, but I have to get a referral from my GP. I don't know if that's even normal. I realize that I don't actually know a hell of a lot about what this is supposed to be like, so I have little expectations. I don't think you need a GP's referral at most clinics, but I could be wrong (I'm sure you'll let me know!)

I called my GP immediately after calling the clinic and made an appointment. I've been putting off an annual physical/pap for a few months, so I'm killing two birds with one stone. I didn't tell the receptionist anything other than "I need a referral" and I'm actually kind of nervous about telling my doctor.

She's a decent doc, but she's let me down quite a lot over the last couple of years, when I was trying to find the cause of the chronic pain issues I've been having. I've been to her for many referrals, and she's flat out refused for some of them. I know it's near impossible to get an MRI or CT scan in this country without waiting 9 months, but when I was in that much pain, I expected someone to fight for me. My doc didn't exactly astound me with her support.

In Canada - at least in this province and city - it is near impossible to find a family doctor. Even more impossible to find a female family doctor. There are listings online name female doctors taking on new patients in the city, and there is ONE, for about 750,000 people. So even if I wanted to switch doctors, I couldn't - not if I want to stay with a female (which I do).

My doc sees a lot of families and she's delivered a lot of babies. She's very family-centric, and I just hope she gives this referral without any attitude about my meds or health. I just hope I don't have to prove to her first that I'm healthy enough to do this... 

The good thing about going with this clinic is that it is 5 minutes away from my office. So, if I am able to keep a job in the company after this mat leave position is up (the mom I took over for is coming back this summer), I'll be able to walk to the clinic, get inseminated, and get back to my desk in time for lunch. 

I want to be moving faster, but I don't even know the steps.

On the Couch, Looking for Sperm

It didn't spill...

Devon and I have spent the last hour or so on the couch, looking online at fertility clinics and sperm banks. Although I've done a little research on my own, Devon was interested in getting involved and checking out some options.

When I saw my doc on Thursday, she said that I would be ready to start trying - like really, really trying - two months after I quit my anti-anxiety completely... which is in, well, two months and 6 days. Crazy. I still want to look into reproductive psych further, but we have to start somewhere.

We have been told my numerous people that the most popular fertility clinic in our city is not really gay friendly, which sucks, but at least there is another option. We honestly don't know where to start... and I guess we just need to make an appointment at the clinic, but we're going to talk to another lesbian couple we know that have done this just last year - see what they suggest.

I'm excited. I'm so frikkin' excited. And it's great to see that Devon seems excited too. She had no idea that you could just look for sperm on the internet. I didn't know that until recently either. So, for fun, we checked out donors with her history and features, and I really had no idea how intense the process was. We were like, "Ooh, he looks good" to "Oh my god, *that's* the one" to "Math? Who cares if the kid likes math?"

Really, who cares if the kid likes math? That said, we want a kid who likes music, so I guess there are people out there who care if their kid likes math.

It's interesting having been a reader for a while and reading about how people start out really caring about their donors, and then slowly, it becomes less and less important. I wonder if that will happen... I guess it just gets to a point where your number one priority is if you get pregnant and not if your baby has a cleft chin. I get it, but for now, I'd like to be excited about it. And it's important for me to have Devon choose who she thinks would suit her side of this baby.

And, I just think it's awesome that on a Saturday, we're sitting on the couch, drinking coffee, and looking for sperm.

Love it.

Happy Mommy, Happy Baby...

I haven't blogged in a long time, partly because of being busy, but mostly because I've been privately mourning the loss of something that does not exist.

I let my faith waiver, and after my appointment with reproductive psych - regardless of the fact that it was "information gathering" - I came to the almost 100% conclusion that I would never carry a child. And what does my profile say? Crazy lesbian mom. I'd be the crazy. I'd even be the lesbian. But a mom? No...

And I *was* opening up to adoption, so yeah, I would be the mom, just not the way I've envisioned it for years. In fact, I still think that adoption would be a viable and perhaps even easier way to go when it comes to D and I having a family.

Okay, I'm just going to jump right into it: I got the "okay" to carry a baby - healthily and (let's hope) happily. D and I had gone to repro psych, and done our own research on medications, depression and pregnancy. I think both of us didn't get our hopes up, because I promised D that I wouldn't carry if the risks outweighed the benefits (if it were up to me, I'd put myself at risk, but I really don't want D to have to care for a baby and a depressed mother... 2 babies).

So we finally went to my shrink, who has been my shrink for over a decade, and gathered some information from him. He basically looked at us and said "go make a baby" ... Yes, there are more risks, but they are not astronomical. I can stay on some medications and the baby will be okay. I will be okay. 

We both looked at him like he was just playing with us, and he said something which I sometimes forget: "You were really really sick, but that was years ago... you are a completely different woman, have an incredible support system, and are capable of so much" (I'm paraphrasing, but you catch my drift).

It was in the past, and though I struggle now with little dips, it is not these vast valleys of blackness that I used to drown in. I am healthy - not as healthy as a lot of people - but in the grand scheme of things, I am healthy.

He made a parallel to a pregnant woman taking medication for diabetes. Yeah, it's healthier not to be taking medication when you're pregnant, but people have to. His main message: "Happy Mommy, Happy Baby..." If I can stay on some medication that keeps me sane, and if my fetus isn't at some huge risk of anything life-threatening or disabling, I have faith that we can all do this - D, me and baby-to-be.

Average women who have average pregnancies can have babies with a lot of health problems. And not to say it wouldn't be awful to have a disabled baby, but we'd deal with it when we would have to deal with it. It makes me a bit nervous that yes - there are a few risks, but for instance, one of the biggest one (as a result of one anti-depressant) is a cleft palate, which is normally a .8% chance in babies, and would now be a 1% chance. 

Am I willing to take that 1% chance? Hellz yeah!

I couldn't believe it. I left the office and it still hasn't really sunk in yet. We can do this. I can have my dream. I can be pregnant - I CAN BE PREGNANT! Still in shock... good shock... And what's even better is D's reaction. I expected her to still be a little hesitant, but she's ecstatic too - and that means more than the world to me. I asked her "what next?" and she said, "look up fertility clinics!"

I know it's one doctor. But he's one of the best doctors in Canada. Seriously... I totally trust him, and he has complete faith that this will actually be in my best interest - he said that I may even feel a peace when I'm pregnant that I've never felt before - that some of the hormones may actually be extremely good for me. And as for post-partum, my chances are a hell of a lot lower than I expected. And, if I happen to fall into a depression: a) I know when I'm depressed, and after many years, know when I need to get help, and b) As I said, I have the best doctor in Canada, and he will be there, with a plan, when I need him. 

D is contacting some lesbian friends of ours who have had one child through IVF or artificial insemination (not sure) and their second through a surrogate. Other friends (another lesbian couple) will be having their little girl in mere days - and they did AI. We have many straight friends that have used clinics in our city, and I've been doing some research on those. Oddly enough, there actually aren't as many as I would've thought. But I guess it only takes one...

I am so freakin' excited. I want to do it NOW. But first, I have to deal with my chronic pain. I have a surgery assessment soon and will hopefully have some answers within the next few months. Once that is clear out of the way, we are going to barrel straight ahead.

Now... just one question: Who the hell's sperm are we going to use???

[photo credit]