I came home to my subscription to "The Walrus" - Canada's best magazine, in my books... literally. Usually I'm thrilled to read it, but I couldn't help but think that the cover story was a sign:
"Life for Sale: Canada's Underground Trade in Human Eggs" by Alison Motluk, which, brilliantly written, goes into how Canada's fertility laws fail donors, doctors, and parents.
At lunch today, I was searching Adoption Canada and websites on surrogacy, trying to be discrete, as my three male coworkers share the office space. (It's really awkward when one of them walks by and I've got a page up with a "crazylesbianmom" login or something). Everything is so confusing... I didn't open all the hundreds of PDFs of information, but with all that I read, through the odd laws, the money, the illegalities, the list of 30,000 children waiting to be adopted, I got totally overwhelmed. And then my lunch hour was up and I went into a meeting, dazed.
So what's going to be easier? Coming off a few meds and risking my health to the point where I may lose myself and my partner, and potentially get pregnant and have a baby, hoping to dear god it'll be healthy and I'll be able to enjoy the little thing without postpartum depression OR flying through loopholes and laws extracting eggs, paying tens of thousands of dollars using some stranger's uterus to grow my own baby, and suddenly have it delivered to us at our doorstep?
Money is money, and we won't worry about that until we have to - we're okay for now. And I find it really awkward to put the words "money" and "baby" in the same sentence. So, I won't.
I'm just so confused. And my partner is feeling a bit "off" and said that maybe yesterday was too stressful. And we're not even doing anything yet.