Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Dancing a Two-Step

Well, she wasn't a dragon.

Despite her horrible reviews, she was actually really informative. And surprisingly gay-friendly. I'm still digesting the day, and the visit to Reproductive Psychiatry, and the conversations pre and post visit with my partner.

Before going in, we decided that this was merely an information gathering session, and we got a lot of information. Info we needed to hear, info I didn't want to hear, and a bit of info that is keeping me from feeling completely defeated.

There are risks. Of course, I know that. We know that. My partner and I both agreed this morning (over my tears in the car ride heading in to work) that this appointment should have been secondary to an appointment with my psychiatrist. He's the one who has known me and my mental health for 10 years. He's the one that will understand what *I'll* be like if I relapse, as opposed to some other crazy lesbian.

I wanted to know whether my baby would be safe. My partner wanted to know whether I'd be safe. We agreed to disagree, I guess, on why we were going. My partner did say something that I'd never heard in these words before: "I am not scared of losing the baby; I'm scared of losing you."

Me? Honestly? I'd put my health at risk in a heartbeat if I didn't have anyone to stop me. But I have an incredible partner that will help me get through the "I'll do anything for a baby even if it means almost killing me" mindset, and keep me level. She's good at that.

I'll go into the appointment more in another blog, but what I gathered was:
a) This doc has never treated anyone on as many medications as I am on in her 30 years of practice.
b) Against popular belief, anti-depressants hold little risk in pregnancies
c) There is a 25-30% chance of depression relapsing with a pregnancy
d) Babies addicted to crack turn out fine on the most part, so... (odd)
e) I'm on the highest amount of all my medications, so that if I *do* get pregnant while I'm on the same doses (which I don't want), there will be no room to up my meds if I relapse
f) She was impressed that I wasn't fat, considering my dose of a "fattening" medication
g) She has a book, and she likes to plug it
h) It's up to us (my partner and I) on how to proceed

She said she'd be happy to take my case if my regular psychiatrist would agree to go through this with me and work on some kind of method to lower/come off some meds. She said he's the best shrink in this part of the world, and I agree.

She also threw out the idea of adoption and having a surrogate, closing with "but there are just some women that feel as though their lives will be incomplete if they never carry their own child."

I felt like saying: Yeah, that's me.

I didn't feel as defeated as I'd expected. There is still hope. But there is still so many risks - and so many more steps. As my partner said to me today: This is just one of the many steps we are going to have to get through... so let's get through them together. Did I mention how much I love her?

Next step is my regular psychiatrist. I trust him completely. I guess he'll be the one making the call. If he doesn't agree to working something out where I can get pregnant healthily and give birth to a healthy child, I suppose that's the end of this route.

I can't even believe I'm writing that.

Wow. Way too much to take in on a Wednesday afternoon.

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