Wednesday, November 30, 2011


As soon as the image of my ultrasound came up on the screen this morning, my RE said, "impressive!" 

I've got two mother f*ckin' huge ass mature follicles - one measuring at 26 and one measuring at 25. I hadn't tested positive on my OPK, which he thought was a bit odd, considering it looks like I'm raring to go. I triggered in the Safeway parking lot on my way to another appointment. Classy.

My lining is unfortunately not as thick as they'd like, but I pretty much expected that with the Clomid. I'm hoping that it'll be strong enough to encourage one (or two?) wee somethings to stay and implant.

I'm SO happy there is not more than two follicles. I'm fine with twins, not so much with triplets or more (I wrote about my intense fears on The Next Family here).

IUI tomorrow at 11 am, and I am so very excited. Potentially even more so than the first round. Really, is that true? 
I wasn't happy to hear that the clinic is closed over Christmas/New Year, when I would be ovulating next, if tomorrow doesn't work. January we are away, so if we don't get preggers this month, we could potentially have to wait until mid-February to try again. But trying not to go there. I'm feeling good about these happy little eggs.

[image source]

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Heating Back Up

It looks like we're going to be IUI-ing this week, thank god. The wait has not been fun. I'm CD14 right now, no positive OPKs yet, but I'm going in for an ultrasound tomorrow morning. I wish I could feel comfortable just waiting for a positive OPK and then make an appointment for the IUI the next day, but I just want to be sure. I think it threw me off that for my first IUI, I ovulated on CD13 and then the next month, I didn't get a positive but took a trigger shot at CD17 - it's a big difference, and I just want to make sure everything is hunky dory and that I don't miss it.

This is also my first cycle with Clomid, so I'd like to know what I'm up against. Are there five decent mature follicles or is there one perfect one? How many follicles does there have to be in order for an RE to cancel an IUI because of too many eggs? Nothing to worry about, but of course it's on my mind.

The Clomid has been interesting. A little taste of how it's affecting me? I woke up on Saturday and decided to make an omelette. I cut up an onion and a pepper and then went into the fridge for eggs and realized that there were none. And I almost punched a hole through the wall with how angry it made me. Devon came in and put up her hands as targets and told me to punch her to get it out of me (bless her) and I refused to hit. So she called me a pussy. And then I cried. Awesome.

Luckily, for the most part, I've been able to laugh at myself. I've also been sleeping naked (which I always do) but with the covers completely off and no heat on in the room. It's Canada. It's cold. It's around the freezing mark and I'm boiling.

We've decided to go with donor #1 instead of spending all the money on a new donor. If we get pregnant this round, fantastic! If not, we will change donors and go from there. We still love our #1 guy though, despite my naturopath's "warning".

I just want to do it now, now, now! Damn this whole woman and nature thing...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Adding Clomid & Other Ponderings...

I'm on day three of Clomid, and I'm happy to say that so far, the side-effects are almost non-existent. After reading a ton, I decided to take them at 7pm, so that I could sleep through the worst of it, and it's worked.

I can't tell if my mood is a result of the Clomid, or if I'm just having a very emotional, weepy day. My boss was just mean, mean, mean today. Well, she probably wasn't that bad, and it was probably just me, but it was one of those days where I felt as though she just wanted to get across that I was awful at my job and didn't deserve to be there. She sent a few snarky emails, engaged in a snarky phone call or two, and was generally just... snarky. I love absolutely everything about my job, except her. It's too bad, really.

I could tell it was a little more than that though, when I turned on the 6 o'clock news and saw a replay of Crosby scoring a goal in last night's hockey game after 10 months off with a concussion. He doesn't even play for "my" team and the game wasn't against "my" team. And I already heard on the radio that he'd scored... but apparently it's a whole different thing to see it on the box. Oy.

It's been interesting lately though. I've been so caught up with TTCing, and I haven't actually spent that much time pondering my health. I was telling my mum the other day that for the the first time in my life, I don't feel like I have a mental illness. It's taken a back seat. I don't feel "sick" - which is huge for me. I have been sick for so long and I can't even remember a time where I've been healthy (literally - I lost 15 years of memory and have very few memories before the age of 21).

It definitely feels like a new stage and I'm very grateful. Just this past week though, I've been feeling pretty raw, and on top of that, I actually had a panic attack at work a few weeks ago and had to go home. I recently cut back one of my anti-depressants again and I'm not sure if that's what's changed, but I'll keep an eye on it, of course. I do not want to raise my meds again, and I will do everything else I can do before having to go there. This is just so complicated. And as much as I'm so excited to TTC, it's so much pressure. I've been doing pretty well with it, but it's just... so much.

So, compared with what I've known, I'm doing amazing. Is my mood slipping a bit? Perhaps. And that's the tough part too: because I have been SO sick, my reasoning around healthy vs not is very skewed. Some might think that having a panic attack at work, feeling upset for a week or so, crying at the news and not being able to handle work pressure is reason for concern. Me? I just think, "Well, I don't want to off myself or cut half of my forearm open, so I must be okay". I think I need to readjust my thinking to a more realistic view of health.

As they may say on icanhascheezburger:

For now, I will take note and be realistic with myself. I promised Devon that I would talk my head off throughout my mood changes, and I will do that also. She's a pretty awesome listener and lover. I'm lucky. Hell, I'm lucky for a lot of things.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Four pieces of good news

  • Not long after writing my last post, I was happy to welcome AF. I've picked up my Clomid prescription and will start that on Sunday. I'm so excited to be on the bandwagon again and can't wait for our next IUI.
  • The baby boy I've been writing about is doing awesome - and so are his parents. We visited this week and I'm happy to say that everyone seems to have woken up to the fact that things need to change, and I was so happy to see that the little guy seemed very loved, and attended to.
  • We booked a two-week vacation in Cabo in January. I was initially hesitant to book something over the time when I'd be ovulating, but I'm hopeful that I will be pregnant by the time we get there!
  • It's Friday :)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Waiting to Bleed

It sounds like an album title.

Now I know that the 2WW is not as hard as waiting for your cycle to regulate after a miscarriage. At least with the 2WW, there is an end in sight. Right now, I have no idea whether I'll start bleeding tomorrow or in three months. Considering the miscarriage was so early, I thought that I would be back to a proper cycle quite fast. It has actually only been about a month so far, but it's the not knowing that is killing me.

Maybe if I'd celebrated the pregnancy, I would welcome the chance to mourn, but I feel as though the way things rolled out, all I want is to start trying again. Soon. The shitty part is, I've been PMS-ing and cramping and feeling like I'm going to bleed. For over a week. And nothing happens (this coming from a girl who had very few PMS symptoms before). I've even been wearing a pad or a liner the last few days, because I'm SO sure it's coming, and I get disappointed every time I go to the bathroom.

From what Dr. Google has told me, some women don't get their periods for months after a miscarriage, but that seems to be the case more for women who lose the pregnancies later in their first trimester. I have no idea what it's supposed to be for earlier losses. If any of you could weigh in with your experiences, I'd love to hear.

I just don't know what to do with myself in this forced time out! I miss TTC-ing. That's kind of crazy.

To help kill the time, I will watch one of my favourite YouTube videos to help with the mantra! (unfortunately, the embedding function is disabled, but if you like adorable kids, click here).

Friday, November 11, 2011

Damn Psychic!

This post is going to sound silly. Because it is a bit silly but it's also a bit relevant and I hate it when those two things don't match with my gut.

I went to my fabulous naturopath (who I call Frau) this week, for a scheduled general visit. This woman is crazy. And fascinating. One of the first times I went to her, she was working on a pressure point in my foot, stopped suddenly and said, "you're hanging on very tightly to that nightmare you had last night; it's time to let it go". I hadn't told her I had a nightmare, nor that I was indeed holding onto it. So she's definitely got a sixth sense, which I haven't ever questioned and have been very open to.

When I got there this week, Frau asked me how the TTC stuff was going, as the last time she saw me was almost two weeks after the last IUI. I told her about the miscarriage and she just said, "Yeah, it wasn't my place to tell you last time you were here. The baby was not healthy at all and didn't want to stay." Some may call her a quack, but there is just some shit that she shouldn't know, and yet she's incredibly accurate. She knows (through my body, apparently) when my partner is sick or sad or both. She said to me last week, "Why did you quit the musical group were singing in?" when I hadn't told her about my musical group, nor the fact that I quit. Those are just a few examples which just makes the following a little harder to just brush off.

While she was doing whatever she does with me, Frau asked me if we'd already paid for the last sample of the donor we're using (she knows we only have one left and then he's sold out after this). I told her yes and asked her why she asked, and she nodded and said "no reason". Later on, she asked if we have a back-up donor in place, and I told her that we had chosen donor #2 a few nights prior (the night our subscription to the bank ran out, we did a final search and a new guy popped up that we LOVE). She asked if we'd considered using #2 this next month instead of #1. I told her it's a lot of money to order more and that our plan was to try this month with #1, and if it doesn't work, buy 3-6 vials from #2 and keep going. 

There was a bit more of this back and forth, and finally I asked why she kept bringing it up. She tried to brush it off, but when I pushed her on it, she admitted that she didn't really have a good feeling about #1, but she had an excellent feeling about #2, "but who am I to say anything..." When I was leaving, she wished me good luck and said she was excited, followed by, "but I'm more excited about #2".

Devon was in the car when I got out and I told her and both of us just looked at each other and said, "fuck - what do we do?" And we know it's "just" a psychic naturopath and I know it's probably coming from a spiritual level (over scientific) but considering the relationship I've built with her, part of me felt like I had to listen. And both of us believe in this type of energy/whatever-you-call-it.
So we've been back and forth and back and forth about whether we ditch #1 (losing about $800) and pay another $2,400 - $4,800 for a new batch of goods from #2 - remember we are in Canada, so the cost is more, so is the shipping; one vial of sperm ends up being about $800.

My gut keeps changing, but I think we're going to stick with the original plan. We know that #1 can get me pregnant (granted, I have trouble keeping them) and we still feel that he is a good fit for our family. But I don't want the doubt... and I'm a bit mad that Frau even said anything, although I know it came from a place of caring. I just don't want to go into this with a split psyche... always wondering if it was the right decision. 

In the meantime, we had a bit of fun on the world wide web this morning and found a program that takes the faces of two people and morphs them into what their baby is going to look like. Here is my baby with donor #1 and my baby with donor #2. Which one is cuter? ;-)

Lex + donor #1
Lex + donor #2

Not that I know when we're going to be able to do this next... I am still waiting to bleed! (Sounds like an album title). I don't think I have ever looked forward to getting my period this much before.

Monday, November 7, 2011

A check-in on the little guy

A lot of you expressed concern over my friend's little guy - justifiably so - and I just wanted to update you quickly on the happenings. The parents are home, but the baby is still in the nursery for monitoring. I'm not entirely sure what is going on - through patchy communications, it appears that he has an IV, is on antibiotics and is getting a lot of blood tests done. I'm not sure what for, but in all honesty, I'm just happy to know that he is in good care in the hospital - and he will stay there for at least another week. I have offered my support and will check in continuously with my friend, and I intend to visit the boy in hospital too. I will find out what is going on with him health-wise. I would also like to speak with a nurse or doctor about my concerns, and inquire about a mental health worker. Apparently, the parents are looking forward to having him home, so I hope that's a good sign. Thanks for all of your thoughts and advice.

Although I'm not sure whether I can continue this friendship long-term, I do feel that I need to be there for the little boy, so for now, my priority is to help and support and cuddle and love.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I went to her baby shower a few weeks ago and it was nothing other than awkward - at 9 months pregnant, she was still going on and on about how this pregnancy and this child will ruin her and her entire life. The way she has been going for the last 7.5 months, since she's known about it.

I know that many people have a tough time through their pregnancies, but as soon as their children are born, they fall in love and become mothers. Mothers who nurture and love. I was hopeful that this would happen, and was excited to hear that she'd given birth to her son this week.

I work at the hospital, so was their first friend visitor. I was invited into the room, where my friend was in bed, her husband was slumped over on a chair in the corner, and their son was in his bassinet, with no blanket wrapped around him, crying so hard that his entire body was flushed with blood. 

I was shocked, and quickly asked whether I could pick him up and cuddle for a while. They tried to wrap him up burrito-style, and I bent down to pick him up gently, whispering to him and rocking him slightly. He stopped crying. He stopped shivering. 

My friend's first words to me were: "Moral of the story: don't have sex with boys. And don't ever, ever do this." (she doesn't know we are TTC). She has always used humour as a shield for when people try to get close to her, but I just felt like saying, shut the fuck up and show your son that he's wanted and welcome". But, of course I didn't. I smiled awkwardly and turned my attention to the boy.

I know that they are shit scared and young and probably in shock at the fact that they are now in charge of a nine-pound human that can't take care of himself. I get that, but it's tough to see. When the boy started making sucking attempts when he was in my arms, I mentioned that it looked like he was getting hungry, so I would pass him back.

I was met with a "no". I stopped rocking. "You can play with him". So I started trying to comfort the baby as best as I could, without providing him with food. Finally, it got so bad and he was crying so much that he couldn't breathe that well, so I forced him into her arms and said, "He should probably try to eat". And then, I was met with "it doesn't work anyway". 

Tears came as I closed the door to go back to my office. I've never had a friend that hasn't passionately wanted a child and this was so hard to see. I had hoped so much that with the little guy actually here, they'd get their shit together. I'm hoping they still have a chance, and that this baby won't suffer.

Devon took me for dinner that night and was surprised that I hadn't said anything to my friend. She didn't understand why I didn't tell her that the kid needed a blanket and needed some food. My friend had given birth less than 24 hours ago, and I didn't want to make her feel as though she wasn't doing a good enough job (which she probably wasn't, but I'm not going to tell her that). They were at the hospital, with capable nurses, and I didn't feel like it was my place to say anything. Though it fucking killed me...

Luckily, they were asked to stay in the hospital at least two more nights that they'd expected to be there. I hope they were flagged by staff and given the support they need. Devon suggested I offer to help them as soon as they are home, but again, I don't think it's my place to insinuate that they are not able to do it alone.

I'm just terrified for that baby. I'm so upset about this.

She is a pretty good friend. Not a best friend. What would you say/do, if anything?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Pregnancy Loss Confirmed

Yes, no, yes, no, maybe... this is what I've heard all week.

So, despite my HCG levels being naught, my RE confirmed today that I did in fact lose a pregnancy last week. Apparently my LH and Estrogen levels tipped him off, and he has no other explanation for the bleeding.

I know there is a whole freakin' reality TV series dedicated to women who don't know they're pregnant until they give birth, many of who menstruate through their pregnancies... I just never thought that would happen to me. I asked him about the bleeding (before the miscarriage bleeding) and he said that we'll never know whether that was my period or not.

For those who need a refresher, here's the timeline:
October 1st - IUI
October 12th - bleeding for 5 days (almost dead on time for my period)
October 24th - bleeding for 5 days (apparently losing the pregnancy)

I see blood, I think period, I think no baby. I honestly feel really fucking stupid about this. Like, how could I not know? And how could I just stop taking care of myself as soon as my period came? I pulled a few all-nighters on vacation, didn't eat for hours on end, forgot to drink water and take vitamins, had a few glasses of wine here and there. I don't blame myself for the loss, but I'm shaking my head at how fucked up this is.

I'm still more confused than upset. I do have moments where I feel like this is all a mistake and that my cycles are just messed up. But I guess I have to trust the RE, who is awesome and who - I found out today - is responsible for the first baby born via IVF in Canada, 27 years ago. Pretty cool.

Anyway, if there was a silver lining today, it's that I'm safe to start trying again next cycle, considering it is such an early loss. We are adding Clomid, and I feel good about it.

Just a note re: terminology. Miscarriage vs. chemical pregnancy. Chemical pregnancy sounds so... lifeless. It's a baby. It's life. It's a big loss, regardless of size, shape or developmental stage. This is the shit that pro-lifers live for.

Alright, onwards and upwards, right? Kind of like this roller coaster?