A Pregnant Lesbian? But How?

 

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I've noticed something kind of strange lately. Not one, not two but three times this week, from people who a) don't know me very well but b) aren't idiots and c) don't know I'm starting the TTC process have asked me whether Devon and I will ever adopt kids.

Like it's the only option out there for lesbians.

These are educated people - including my HR Manager (who I didn't say a word to about kids because I don't trust her as far as I can throw her... and I wouldn't be able to throw her very hard). I honestly don't know if it's just that it's easier for people to ask about adoption than it is to ask about spermy boy stuff.

But wouldn't "Are you and Devon planning on having kids / starting a family / becoming moms" suffice? Or anything along those lines? Or am I missing something? (which is entirely possible).

One of the conversations was with a coworker that I have been interested in building a relationship with just because we tend to be in the same place quite a bit, but her questions about adoption just made me want to shut down talking with her about anything babyish - or anything personal, for that matter. And I didn't even know how to answer.

I don't want to adopt. Not at this point anyway. But for at least one of the conversations, I felt like I wanted to communicate that I wanted a family, but didn't want to get into the whole donor thing or who would carry or anything else specific. It's not like I would start asking straight people about such personal questions.

But is this something that I should expect to have to do? Do people see girl+girl+bump and start asking questions about the "father"? (a term I dislike for a donor) Do people ask you whether you slept with a man or whether you relied on science? Do people ask you how much money you spent on getting pregnant?

I'm kind of at a loss... I know it's not really any of their business, but I don't want to completely shut down the conversation if it does come up. 

What kinds of questions have you had, and how did you deal with acquaintances that ask these types of questions?

I Have a Uterus Too, Boss.

This may make me a bad lesbian, but I am often very forgiving of people who say stupid, ignorant things that should maybe hurt me as a member of the lesbian race - especially when I know it is not consciously meant as an attack. I guess I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes that comes with a punch in the gut and/or uterus on my end.

Today wasn't that bad in the scheme of things, but my buttons certainly got pushed.

I'm currently covering a mat leave for my job, the "incumbent" comes back this summer (I still find that to be the weirdest word for mom/dad that goes away from work for a while to look after a child... or anyone else who is taking a break from work for whatever reason, but I digress). In this blessed Canadian country of mine, a maternity leave is 12 months, and although there is almost a half year left in my contract, I'm the kind of person that needs a plan. That may not come as a surprise to anyone who reads my blog ;-)

I was going to approach Boss this week to basically let her know that I have to start thinking about setting something up for after my contract, but Boss beat me to it. She came into my office today to tell me that she's proposing a new position to upper management for me, but whether or not it is approved totally depends on the budget, which is hurting right now. Boss can't promise me anything, but it was a good conversation to have regardless - gave me a little hope that I could stay there, as I really like the work I do.

So the conversation with Boss continued and we talked through what it may look like when Incumbent comes back. Boss turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Yeah, and if (when) Incumbent goes on maternity leave again, you'll be here and up to speed and we won't have to worry about having an empty role for long."

And maybe I shouldn't have read into things or let something so small get to me, but I was sitting across the desk from her, just thinking, "and why the fuck would you think that I wouldn't have to go on mat leave one day too? Just because I don't have a cock in my house - literally AND figuratively - doesn't mean that I'm going to give up my right as a woman to be a mom. And fuck you for thinking I could be the 'replacement' constant because (of course!) there is no way in hell I could have a family with my wife. Fuck you, Boss: Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I don't have a working uterus and some dreams that go with it."

Jeez. 

And I'm not even PMSing. 

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TTC, BFN, FSH, OPK... WTF? HELP!

I love all of your posts. Like, absolutely love them. I have so much to learn... no really - a bit more to learn than I thought!

Although I'm not yet completely on the true TTC journey (but then, when exactly does that start... with the idea? Decision? Plan? Action?), I am trying to read all about it. Through my blogging friends, I am learning much about fertility and all that goes along with this amazing stage, though with some difficulty.

What the hell do all the acronyms mean? Seriously!

So, this is what I'm proposing. I'm going to read some more, collect some acronyms from other blogs and from you and your comments to this post, and start a "Fertility Acronyms for Dummies" page on my blog, so that people like me - virgins to the TTC life (wrong choice of word?) - can understand what the f*ck you're saying... because I can imagine it's all very important stuff.

And I ain't no dummy. I haz an ed-joo-kay-shion... just not in pregnancy.

But I want to. 

So help me out? We could probably do better than this:

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Trick or Treat

This year on Halloween night, D and I will be taking our nephews and nieces trick or treating... it's one of my favourite days of the year. Not only do I get to take my amazing little ones out, but I too get to go in costume - without even dressing up - I get to pretend that I'm their mom.

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People open their doors to my polite and adorable nieces and nephews, who look up at them with their  excited smiles, take their gifts and thank them profusely, and I stand back and hold a position of "oh yeah, they're mine" intense sense of pride. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

Probably not the healthiest thing, but fuck it - I may never get to take my own kid out, and the pride I hold knowing that these kids share just even a smidgen of their blood with me makes me feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

I may not be a mom right now, and I may not be a mom for a while, who knows. And then there is the other possibility, but I'm not going to write that today.  So, we all need to dress up some time, put on a mask and as adults, we really just have this one day a year where it's acceptable, so yeah - they will be my kids on Sunday. Their smiles, their eyes, their manners, their excitement, their energy, their love... it all comes from me.

Except if they misbehave ;-)

You may say I'm a dreamer....

... but I'm not the only one.

Mr. Lennon was onto something.

Imagine if John was around today. I wonder if he'd have a blog. I wonder whether he would find solace in the fact that there are other bloggers out there who were peace activists and musicians, who had  homosexual managers that were attracted to them. Bloggers who wrote about being married to famous cello players. Maybe even bloggers who were later murdered.

When I went to New York 6 years ago, I had to visit Strawberry Fields - if not for my love of the Beatles, for my dad's lust of the Beatles. I didn't imagine (no pun intended) I would become emotional at the sight of the Imagine mosaic in Central Park, but I did. Maybe it was a time in my life where I was imagining the future... actually, I know that it was. I was imagining what it would be like to get married to the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Back to Lennon and the blogosphere. What I'm learning as a relatively new blogger is that there seems to be someone out there writing something that speaks to what you're going through. Most of the time.

I updated my blogroll today with great suggestions from three particular blogs: An Offering of Love, Insert Metaphor (awesome blog), and Schroedinger's Womb. Most are either blogs of gay women who are trying to conceive (TTC - new acronym to me!), who already have children (and seem to post endless photos of them... some even write about their poo, take pictures of their packed lunches, explain their three hour bedtime routine and update daily on how it went - some of this seems a little overboard, but in all honesty, if I ever have a kid, I'd probably do the same...) And then there are the bloggers who are trying and trying and trying to have a baby and are can't conceive. My heart goes out to all.

I have only yet found one lesbian mom who write about her mental illness: A Day in the Life of a Bipolar Turtle, though it is dedicated mostly to bipolar and not necessarily to how it affects being a mom.

I imagine that there are other depressed lesbians that want babies, but I haven't found a blog devoted to that yet, and it made me wonder whether the stigma of carrying a child while on medication has anything to do with it.

Though not my first choice, I will not come of all of my medications if I am going to get pregnant. It would not end well. I would not end well. And many out there may think that is selfish and hurtful to my non-existent fetus, but the literature is out there and it's interesting: it's not as risky as you may think.

It was mental health awareness week a couple of weeks ago, but nobody knew about it. It's a cluster of diseases which still go unnoticed and ignored, because it's crazy, right? Even I have my major concerns about pregnancy on medication, but I would never put my child at serious risk. And if it is a serious risk, I won't do it.

John Lennon: Maybe you wouldn't have found a blogger who wrote about their cello-playing, peace activist partner. And maybe I won't find a blogger who is a lesbian, clinically depressed, on medication, and ready and willing to get pregnant.

But I can imagine.

If you are out there, I'd love to hear from you...