U/S 2 on CD10

I had my second ultrasound this morning, and it went a lot better than Sunday's in the emotional department. The doc did take his time, on the most part, and was a lot easier to talk to. It could've just been the day on Sunday, though I'm still not convinced, but, as Strawberry said, there is a possibility that I won't even have a need for him after this insem, which would be awesome :) So I'm going to focus on that.

It looks like the insemination will take place either Thursday or Friday. I go in on Thursday morning for another u/s and if I test positive on my OPK tomorrow morning, and if I'm measuring large enough, we'll go ahead with it on Thursday. If not, it will most likely be Friday (CD13). He talked about the possibility of giving me a trigger shot on Thursday, which I know very little about. I mean, I know that it's LH and what it's for, but is it a needle in the stomach?

We have an RE, a rapid heart beat... and a Canadian donor?

Yesterday was our first appointment at a fertility clinic. I was so flippin' nervous all day and the day before for that matter. We had to both fill out surveys to give medical history and menstrual cycle info - the usual, I assume. I could not get over the feeling that they would look down at my medical history, then look over at my medication list, then look at me and say, "Yeah, sorry. You can't have a kid. You're crazy."

I couldn't shake that feeling at all, and though it sounds ridiculous, it was in the back of my head the whole time.

We were virgins in the office and holy-oh, it is a busy place! And oddly oxymoronic... there were Anne Geddes pictures all over the place, like bunches of babies dressed as bunnies in flower pots (say that three times really fast), which was vastly opposite to the energy in the room, which was quite sad and dark, actually. There were three women without partners with them in the waiting room, an couple in their mid- to late-forties, a couple in their late-thirties, and us. Devon was desperately trying to make a deadline, so she was head down in paperwork. Everyone looked so frikkin' sad, it was awful. I was not sad, but I was incredibly nervous.

The nurse pulled me into this cramped little room to measure my height, weight, blood pressure and pulse. She got to my pulse last, and when she was measuring it, she told me not to worry, that the doctor was very nice. I smiled and tried to calm down. But my heart beat strong and loud. She actually giggled when she wrote the number down on the page. She told me again not to worry. Easier said than done in my world. My pulse was extremely fast - I shook it off as nerves...

We went into another cramped room and met the doctor, who had someone shadowing him. He was lovely - very sweet. His English wasn't fantastic, but he was very clear and took his time explaining himself. We went through my history, and when he got to my mental health, I just cringed. But he didn't. He asked me to be precise in the dates of when I was hospitalized, how long I've been on specific medications, and how my mood was now. I was honest. The conversation went deep into my history, and I found myself explaining my electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) history, as this lead to a seizure disorder. The two doctors were a little taken-aback with the extent of it all. (He was also taken aback when he read my pulse - enough so that he took it again... it was the same).

I was clear that I would be doing this under the guidance of a reproductive psychiatrist. The doc said that my illness is beyond his expertise, but that they would be certain to work extremely closely with my repro psych through this journey... yes, he did not dismiss me... I had to hear it again: they would be certain to work with... YAY!

I had already taken my fertility blood tests, so he was happy about that. But he has given me a referral to get a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). The one thing I liked a lot was that he didn't tell me I had to. He explained that it was painful and that it was not vital until they expected something was wrong, and then he said that considering the costs of IUI, I might consider thinking about getting the test done sooner, just so we're not wasting time and money at the beginning... but ultimately, it was up to me, and he'd be happy either way. It may sound small, but I appreciated it. And I am going to get the HSG sometime in the next two weeks. Can someone tell me exactly HOW painful they are?? Reading about them was not so pleasant.

Now, here's the kicker. I asked him all of the questions that you suggested the other day (thank you!) and when I was asking about sperm banks and the differences between sperm sold for ICI vs IUI, he explained what good ol' Canada has in place:

Health Canada (the Canadian equivalent to the FDA) has made it illegal to pay males and females for the donation of sperm and eggs respectively. I knew about the eggs. I wrote about that a while ago. So, in order to comply with government laws, Canada has a centralized third-party "sperm base": there is one sperm bank in Canada, where all the provincial/territory donors' sperm ends up and this is the only place in Canada you can buy sperm from.

He started to go into the legalities (which are apparently changing - I don't know to what) and I followed him for a little bit before losing him in terminology. From what I understood, it is illegal to buy sperm from the States (or anywhere else, for that matter). I did not push him on it, because I want to do some research on my own, but I'm very curious to find out.

In my readings, I found out that due to this new law of taking away paying donors, there was a sperm shortage in Canada (really?), and I don't know if that's improved. I imagine people still buy sperm from outside of Canada, but I don't know if it's illegal. It just seems so odd. If you know where to ship it to, and you have the ability and technology to safely deal with shipping frozen sperm, than what's to stop people from buying it off the internet, shipping it through the border in hopes that they don't confiscate it/arrest or charge you, and basically bringing it into their homes? Not to say that's what we're planning on doing, but it makes you think.

So, I guess we'll be using a Canadian donor. Nothing wrong with Canadians... there is just not as many of us as there are in our Southern neighbour (sorry, neighbor to you). At least Canada is a huge multi-cultural melting pot, so hopefully we will get some variety - even within the caucasian population. The RE did say that East Indian and African American people looking for donors of the same ethnicity are pretty much shit out of luck here, which is really sad.

Have to do more research, but definitely something that I didn't expect!

Appointment MADE!

A special thanks to all of the people who encouraged me to check in on my appointment status at the fertility clinic – I called and spoke with some lovely people this morning, was very pleasant with them, and we have an appointment for the end of the month!

I would love to hear from people about gender. To get a female doctor, the wait is 3 months. To be seen by a male doctor, the wait is a mere week and a half. He is the head honcho of the whole program, was a medical director of a very high-up institution, and has an amazing CV… and yes, I’ve checked him out pretty well.

Maybe I am just anxious to see anybody at this point, but I would love to hear from people whether they made a similar choice – or a different choice to have a female doctor. Yes, it would probably be nicer to have a female under the hood, and I don’t want to say I’m a little desperate to get going… but I’m kind of desperate to get going.

Making a Fuss - When to Push

I'm not the kind of girl that sends the food back.

I think humans are split up into two groups: one group sends the food back, one group eats the food as-is. I'm in the latter group. It's not that I'm complacent, I'm just the kind of person that would rather eat cold food, or the wrong food, rather than bring on the awkwardness that I feel accompanies "making a fuss" at a restaurant. If I'm brought the wrong order, I honestly believe - in the moment - that it will be easier on everyone if I just suck it up and eat what I get. In theory, I know that telling someone they brought the wrong tray won't break their inner psyche, but in practice, I feel as though I'm making their world crash down if I say, "Excuse me, but I asked for a vegetarian sandwich, not a bacon wrap."

Why am I bringing this up? Because it's not just about food, although that's probably where it is quite noticeable, it's about every aspect of life - especially when it comes to health and health advocacy. I have never been a strong advocate for my health, both mental and physical. I also come from a stoic Scottish family who refuse to ask for help, so the odds are against me.

I didn't ask for a time line of how long it takes for the fertility clinic to book an appointment after a referral is made. I also asked my shrink a month ago for another referral to reproductive psychiatry, and he has not got back to me. Another doctor said he was going to ask a colleague a specific question about a specific medication I'm on, and he forgot to mention it last time I saw him, and I didn't bring it up. I don't want to be pushy about things, because that's just not what I do, but I'm realizing that for this journey that Devon and I are embarking on, we need a voice. Devon has been a really good advocate for me in the past, especially when it comes to my chronic pain that I've been dealing with, but I imagine (I know) that it becomes exausting for someone else to be the constant fighter, when you don't do any fighting for yourself. It's not really fair to ask.

With a mental illness, it's twofold. Your self-worth takes a hit, and that's why there are so many people with mental health issues that aren't getting help - unless you have a fighter close to you, you won't get the help you need, because you certainly aren't going to ask for the help yourself. All those years in hospital, I always thought that I was the most despicable patient in there, who was making nurses go out of their way to "treat" me, but in retrospect, I certainly wasn't a shit disturber, in fact, I was hardly asking for a thing. Despite being suicidal, I was actually really quite lovely. Figures...

I don't know whether TTCing is suited for people who don't fight. There will be lots of appointments, lots of doctors, lots of questions, and I'm not good with any of those. I had to get 7 vials of blood taken from me today to go through the fertility blood tests, and I couldn't even ask the lab tech whether she could take it from the other arm (knowing that it's near impossible to find a good vein in the arm she eventually took the samples from). I just don't know how to stick up for myself.

I envy those people who can just say what they mean, when it comes to service, and medicine. Those wonderful characters who can grab a waiter over and say, "Yeah, sooooo not what I ordered, so go get me the right meal, and just so you know, I'm not paying for it". Although they make me cower in shame if I'm with them, I do envy them... but I know there is a happy medium in there somewhere.

I just want to be respected through this journey. I don't want to wait for calls, but the alternative is not enticing: calling a clinic to ask how long they take to set up an appointment? No way! That's not what they're there for! They're there to make babies for worthy people! (I know, it sounds silly, but that's the dialogue that goes on in my head). I want to feel in charge of my health through this fertility journey. I'm so glad I have Devon to fight for me and us, but I need to be conscious of what I'm giving towards our advocacy.

It is my uterus, after all.

[Photo credit]

Doctor, doctor

I had my physical today and asked my GP for a referral to the clinic, which I was insanely nervous about. She’s quite awkward, actually, so between the two of us, it’s the awkward leading the awkward… which gets even more awkward if one of the awkward folks (me!) is butt naked.

Good times…

I figured I'd get it right out of the way at the beginning of the appointment, before she was staring up inside of me. I didn't want to have the conversation through my legs, you know?

My voice was shaking, but I managed to get out "my partner and I want to start a family," a statement to which she a) didn't cower, b) didn't judge and c) responded positively, against all of my expectations.

She did respond positively at first... and then she took it upon herself to explain that I would have to find a donor (really? I had no idea! Earth shattering information!) and that I would probably need to find out if I ovulate (um... yeah, I've been tracking my ovulation - at least on paper - for a year), and that I would need to read up on how IUI works (oh god, lady, you have no idea).

I told her we were excited to get the ball rolling, to which she replied, "well hold on, it's going to take a while". Yeah, I got that. That's why we're eager to start the ball rolling... duh.

She suggested a clinic which we've heard (from a few gay friends) isn't too gay-friendly, and seemed a bit surprised when I handed over an intake form from the clinic we want to go to. She asked if I wanted to get started on blood tests, disease tests, etc., so I have about 3 pages of blood requests in my handbag, which I'll go do on the specific days of my cycle. She went over my head meds and was actually really impressed with how I've "slimmed down" and much against my expectations, didn't say anything about ME risking my baby's health.

All in all, she was okay, but one thing got to me. I guess she wanted to take it upon herself to tell me realistically how this was going to work and for me to get that this isn't a walk in the park.

"It will take some time," she says, "And it won't work the first time, and it will probably not work for a while, and then you may get pregnant and you have a high chance of miscarrying..." and then I phased her voice out.

I am not one to push positive thinking, but seriously? I get that miscarriage is a fact of fertility, but how 'bout you just write out your little referral and let me have my excited time without telling me all the bad things I should start to expect.

At least she won't be my OBGYN, I guess.

BUT ANYWAY... another step closer!

The End of the Beginning, Maybe

Things are moving...

I think we've decided on a clinic - at least one to check out first. It's technically a reproductive health medical clinic, and nowhere on their website do they say anything about same-sex couples. In fact, it hardly even says anything - the focus is definitely on IVF, male infertility, and medical conditions that impede a woman's pregnancy. It is first and foremost a medical clinic, and once I looked into it, it seemed like I would have to have something physically wrong with me to be seen.

I thought I would've easily been able to pick up the phone and call them, but I put it off for a couple of days. I was ridiculously nervous. 

Although I have my own office with a door that shuts, I left to sit in my car; I didn't want to have to worry that Mr. Finance Officer who shares a wall with me might hear. Shaking a little bit, I dialed the number, got put on hold for a few seconds, and then a woman who seemed like she was in a rush answered with the clinic's name.

"Hi. I'm wondering if you work with same sex couples?"

"What?"

"Um... I was reading about your clinic online and I've heard really good things, but before we go further, I need to know if you work with same sex couples."

I don't know what I was expecting. Her laughing at me? Her saying, "fuck off, dyke"? Her saying that they don't support two women starting a family. Her telling me that I was going to burn in hell?

Her answer came after what felt like minutes, but it was probably immediately after I stopped speaking, "Oh, yeah. Sorry, I just didn't hear you... Yes, we do."

So, I wanted to just make an appointment and go as soon as possible, but I have to get a referral from my GP. I don't know if that's even normal. I realize that I don't actually know a hell of a lot about what this is supposed to be like, so I have little expectations. I don't think you need a GP's referral at most clinics, but I could be wrong (I'm sure you'll let me know!)

I called my GP immediately after calling the clinic and made an appointment. I've been putting off an annual physical/pap for a few months, so I'm killing two birds with one stone. I didn't tell the receptionist anything other than "I need a referral" and I'm actually kind of nervous about telling my doctor.

She's a decent doc, but she's let me down quite a lot over the last couple of years, when I was trying to find the cause of the chronic pain issues I've been having. I've been to her for many referrals, and she's flat out refused for some of them. I know it's near impossible to get an MRI or CT scan in this country without waiting 9 months, but when I was in that much pain, I expected someone to fight for me. My doc didn't exactly astound me with her support.

In Canada - at least in this province and city - it is near impossible to find a family doctor. Even more impossible to find a female family doctor. There are listings online name female doctors taking on new patients in the city, and there is ONE, for about 750,000 people. So even if I wanted to switch doctors, I couldn't - not if I want to stay with a female (which I do).

My doc sees a lot of families and she's delivered a lot of babies. She's very family-centric, and I just hope she gives this referral without any attitude about my meds or health. I just hope I don't have to prove to her first that I'm healthy enough to do this... 

The good thing about going with this clinic is that it is 5 minutes away from my office. So, if I am able to keep a job in the company after this mat leave position is up (the mom I took over for is coming back this summer), I'll be able to walk to the clinic, get inseminated, and get back to my desk in time for lunch. 

I want to be moving faster, but I don't even know the steps.

Guess what? We're going to do this!!

We finally talked! Devon even set up the date, told me that she wanted to talk this through... so we did...

I'm flying a little high right now, but I wanted to get this out of my body, to someone other than Devon: She wants to go through with this... she wants for us to have a baby! She talked through some of her fears - both before the conversation and during it - and she realized that all of the excuses she was telling herself (age, money, etc.) were just that: excuses.

I went in not knowing what to expect, and considering what happened last time, I had every single metaphorical piece of armor I own put on before talking. I was ready to take a blow. I was wondering how in the hell I would put this away... but I don't have to!

Devon opened up with something like, "I know you have an appointment with your doctor on Thursday; when you're there, I want you to ask what the first step is to get us on this road of TTC." And YES - she even used the phrase TTC... after reading my blog, she's almost up on the lingo ;-)

We haven't gone into too much detail yet. We tossed around a few names if we go the way of a KD. I was really adamant about wanting to stay active with the TTC journey... not letting it dissipate after all of our talking. 

She agreed.

Whaaaaaaaat?? We're going to get ourselves a baby!?!?!

Thursday: Bring it on!

Damn cat / amazing doc!

I have wanted to write, but haven't been able to. Simply because this happened to my Mac power cord:

We have two kittens (I know, I know... lesbians we are). One of them we call the Golden Boy, because he does absolutely nothing wrong. The other is a little shit, who shits - literally - not where she's supposed to once a day, jumps on tables, chews through wires (see above), and has, as of yesterday evening, realized that she has the ability to jump on the kitchen counter. [Side note: if anyone has any ideas on how to train a very untrainable kitten, please tell!]

I don't really feel comfortable writing from work. I'm in a management position, and the last thing I want showing up is a web history that includes the URL "crazy lesbian mom". I'm out at work, but not *that* out.

So, I have had chronic pain for almost 4 years now, which if you want to get up to speed, you can read about. Long story short: I've seen so many specialists over this time, and nobody has been able to help me.

I ran into an old friend about 2 weeks ago, who asked about my pain. She is a medical researcher and is very sciency, so when she mentioned that she's been seeing a doctor of Chinese Medicine, I was a bit taken aback. And then she stated her case:

She suffered from chronic migraines for over a decade, went to this doctor three times, and has never had a migraine again. Her daughter-in-law couldn't get pregnant for 7 years; she went to this doctor and was pregnant within 2 months. Her granddaughter had chronic urinary tract infections; saw this doc... never again.

So what the hell, right?

I called, she wasn't taking new patients. I was asked whether I wanted to see her colleague, to which I replied no (looked him up - he's just graduated, and though I don't judge a doc necessarily on their experience, it wasn't him that got all the praise). I got on a cancellation list, was told there may be a spot in January. I'm used to getting the medical run-around, so that was no surprise.

What was a surprise was when they called and asked whether I could come in last week. I went, with an open mind and a curiosity that is still running strong. I can honestly say I have absofuckinglutely no idea what she did (there was a lot of tapping, rubbing, push and pulling), and the whole time I was on the table, I was thinking about how this would make a great Mad TV skit. 

I started out with a 10 out of 10 in pain. She also noticed (I have no idea how, considering she hardly touched me) that I had a shoulder injury, and issues with TMJ. So, I won't go into it too much, but what she did is based in NIS, which is Neurological Integration System, which has a basic principal that the brain is responsible for all the pain/symptoms in your body.

Basically, she worked on me for about 15 minutes, pulled back her chair, said I had 5 viruses, a fungal infection, issues with my kidneys, and problems breaking down carbs. Sure, whatever you say... but then I got up from the table. She asked me to check the pain level, and it dropped to a 5/10. I could raise my arm above my head for the first time in 10 years. My jaw - somehow - just stopped clicking and the pain is gone. She worked on me for another half hour.

She told me my eyesight was worse in my right eye than my left (true). She told me that there was an issue with my thyroid (true, which I didn't tell her about). She just kept telling me things about my body that was true, and that no - I didn't write down. The only thing she knew about me going in was that I was a female in my thirties and have had chronic pain in one area for 4 years. 

So here I am a week or so later, and my pain is at about 2 out of 10. I can still lift my arm above my head. I can open my mouth as wide as I want. Overall, I'm feeling a hell of a lot better... more energy, better sleep, digestive system WAY better. I can go grocery shopping, I can stand up long enough to cook - hell, to brush my teeth. I can walk to the train after work. I can take the stairs. I walked through the entire showroom at IKEA this week. Please, please, please make this be the end...

And yes, I talked to her about getting pregnant. She asked whether I was going to use frozen sperm, and I said "probably" (remember, D and I haven't even made a decision about having a kid yet). She told me to come to her when we were trying to conceive. She works with a lot of lesbians (and breeders too) who are doing intrauterine insemination - and other methods, for that matter - and without a hint of anything but a professional confidence, said that she could definitely help me work with the fertility clinics. She's apparently got a good track record.

Hell, if she can take this much pain away after so long, I will go to her for a simple hang-nail!

I go back to see her before Christmas about my chronic pain, and everything else she found, and I really really hope that this is the first step to painlessness... and a step towards being able to carry.

And just because I teased, here is a Mad TV skit for you:

Babies and Boys

I've become an aunt for the fifth time this week. I'm incredibly blessed, and love my nieces and nephews more than I ever thought possible.

Everyone is healthy and happy, and just thrilled with the new life - in all of my siblings' households... and though I feel lucky to have what I have, I don't have a baby for myself. Yet. And I don't even know when the last time D and I had a real conversation about it. We have a doctor's appointment this month, which is "the one" that makes or breaks our (my?) fate, which I've already rescheduled once and am looking forward to it in the most hesitant way possible.

The year is almost half up, and I feel as though it's just rushed by. And we haven't done much at all in our journey to parenthood. And we're only getting older. And it's scary. I've watched a niece and nephew born this year, and my siblings couldn't be happier, and I am jealous, a little guarded, and feeling like this is going far too slowly for my liking.

My best gay boy friends just moved away out of the city, and D and I (and the 4 of us) have joked about them being a donor - and we mean them... like have them jack-off into the same cup, swirl it around and pump it up inside, and then figure out who the father is when the kid ends up looking like whichever one of him.

It's become a running joke, but just before they left, I reminded one of them about it (we'd talked about it years ago), and he actually got a little sad that I freaked out and said "just kidding;" he said that he would be honoured. Seriously. And I almost took him in the back room to do it "old school". Am I that desperate? Perhaps...

But I wait - we wait - and find out what will be the best option for us. Do we get on an adoption registry before we figure it out? Before I deal with my issues around adoption? Before I give up my hope of carrying my own child?

As for donors, it would be nice and cheap to have best friends to do it, though there are so many layers to that. That said, there are layers to all pieces of this puzzle... and it's beginning to feel as though these pieces aren't fitting together right.

Perhaps it's a bit of unhappiness in other areas that is seeping through (work, money). Perhaps it's jealousy that I see all of my siblings with nice robust families. Perhaps it's because I'm losing my favourite fags to their more interesting life. Perhaps it's just the time of year. Spring... everything is growing new life. Even the orchid that I almost threw out over the winter because it hadn't blossomed in months. And now it's got two sprigs; twin growths.

I love looking through the extended families albums at all the smiles and facial expressions of older brothers and sisters seeing their new sibling for the first time - that pure, unobstructed love and... probably a little bit of fear...

Probably very similar to what I'm feeling now.

Lo and Behold...

Just a few minutes after my post earlier today, my phone rang and went to voicemail. It was the Reproductive Psych clinic - the place where we've been talking about going to for months, and have been waiting for our referral to go through. They had a cancellation for tomorrow. 


I freaked out in the best way possible; I knew my partner had a meeting this afternoon, but had no idea when it ended. Like a crazy woman, I called both her work and cell phone, and emailed both her work and personal accounts. I would've paged her too, though I was scared she would've thought something was terribly wrong. And it wasn't.


I got a hold of her about 13 minutes later - which felt like an hour - as I could no longer concentrate on whatever was going on at work. She's free and able to go (I knew she would've cancelled something had she been busy, but it's always good to check, right? ;-) and so I called them back and they confirmed the time and place. And doctor.


So, I don't usually go to www.ratemds.com, but when you type in the name of a doc and it's the first thing that pops up, you're going to click on it. I am not sure whether I am happy I did or not. There is a ridiculous number of ratings for this doctor (especially for a Canadian doctor on an American site). ALL of them, except for ONE, go into gory detail of how badly they've been treated, how much trouble it's been with this doctor, how the doctor has ruined pregnancies, pushed meds, not been empathetic in the least, and not even remembering names of patients they've had week after week.


I'm freaking out. My partner and I are basically waiting for this day, for that magic person to say "yes, you are healthy enough to carry; the benefits of pregnancy outweigh the risks of having a depressive episode". This doctor could be our god(dess). They basically give me a yes or no answer to a life-long question.


Second opinions? I know about them. And we will follow up with my own shrink who is awesome and knows what he's doing. Anyway, I totally freaked out, sent my partner the link, and both of us questioned whether it was actually worth our time. 


After much deliberation, we're going. I'm shit scared. I am lucky that I have a regular psychiatrist by my side, who I trust completely, but I am shit scared that this doctor will kill a dream tomorrow. Or that we'll be treated as badly as some of those vocal patients. 


I want respect from someone who knows what they're talking about. Is that too much to ask?