Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Monday, November 26, 2012

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Interesting turn of events

A new blog post is up over on Wordpress: http://crazylesbianmom.com/interesting-turn-of-events/

Thanks for updating your readers.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

9 weeks to go and baby shower woes

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9 weeks doesn't seem like a long time at all. This weekend, I finally felt like we could be ready for a baby soon, despite not having a crib/bassinet set up yet or any clothes. However, we're getting closer. Just a few more purchases and a few more weekends of work and we'll be really ready.
BoomBoom is doing well, I think. I did have another bit of a scare last week though. From Thursday night to Sunday night, I hardly felt her at all. Usually, when I remember to do my kick counts, she clocks 10 kicks in about 20 minutes - and they are vigorous kicks. For those three days, she was at about 7 or 8 weak taps after an hour and 55 minutes and then she'd surprise me with 2 or 3 more right before the deadline. When I wasn't counting, I didn't feel her. I know they're supposed to be less active soon (when?) because they run out of room, but it was hard not to think something was wrong. All my tricks weren't working. Even playing Leonard Cohen (she really is my kid). I didn't call the midwife, because I didn't want to be a pain during the long weekend (I know... I really have to work on that) and then on Sunday night, she seemed to be back to her usual bouncy self, and has kept it up over the last few days, though I have noticed a change for the more sluggish.
I'm struggling with my rib pain and I'm not really sure how I'm going to get through the last few months. They've been hurting since 17 weeks and it's just getting more and more painful. The pain used to be just in the evenings, but it is now creeping in just as I wake up. I hate to be a complainer, because I do really feel blessed to be pregnant in the first place... I just have to find a solution, if possible. I don't think it's the "regular" rib pain that most pregnant women get - it feels like there is something wrong. Massage therapy isn't working. I apply both ice and heat with some relief, but the pain comes back as soon as I remove these. I've already ditched wearing a bra and I'm running out of options. Oy. I know I've been blessed with good health this pregnancy, so I hate to read over my words where I just feel like I'm complaining, but hey - it's all part of the process.
For a girl who wasn't sure she even wanted a baby shower, I've got three coming up. One for work, one main one for my friends and one mostly for Devon put on by her singing group for us. I felt strongly about not having a registry and actually put on my main baby shower invites that gifts were not expected. Devon hates me every year on my birthday because I just wish it would go away and nobody would notice it, and I'm feeling kind of the same way for the baby shower... even though I know it's not all about me. I know that it is a celebration of the baby's life, but I need to find a way to be comfortable with a) people potentially buying stuff for us and b) being the centre of attention.
I originally had a mere 8 people down on my list, but my best friend who is co-organizing it called me and basically gave me a talking to about how I needed to get over myself and allow people to spoil us. Hard to do. So I have been trying to reframe the thought of who would even want to come to the baby shower to who I'd like there. I think perhaps because I found baby showers so hard to be at when we were TTCing, I'm projecting a little bit and thinking that nobody wants to come. I don't know. So I invited about 30 people. I have no idea how many of those are coming.
I had to call my mother to let her know about the shower before she received the invite and to let her know that if she didn't want to come, she didn't have to. That's probably part of the reason I feel the way I do about showers - my mother raised me to think they are tacky and unnecessary and I grew up hearing endless "what if the baby dies?" remarks (really, if the baby dies, do you think the absolute worst thing would be having stuff in the house? Wouldn't it be that the baby died?). It's definitely a North American thing that my very Scottish mother has trouble with. She embarrassed my sister-in-law a few years ago at her shower by talking to my SIL's friends about how she hoped the baby would be more attractive than my other brother's kids. Yup, she's that kind of woman.
She is choosing to attend my shower. God bless us both.
For anyone who has the same anxiety about being the centre of attention, what did you or would you do? My friend suggested one thing that may help would be not to open gifts when people were there, but isn't that rude? I know how tedious it is sitting in those fucking circles passing onesies around, oohing and aahing at the cuteness, but is it totally rude not to open gifts to thank people in person?

Monday, November 5, 2012

Things are so much better when she's here

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Call me codependent, I don't care. But when Devon is home, I do so much better. It's not that I don't like my alone time - because I do - it's just that I feel stronger and more sane when she's around. I like having her home.
Her quartet did incredibly well this week and placed 14th in the world. That means they get an automatic entry to sing in next year's international competition in Hawai'i. First family vacation! I'm incredibly proud of her, and really fucking sad that I couldn't be there to see her perform. I was watching on the webcast, but of course, the screen froze and by the time I refreshed, she was off stage.
I was doing okay at the beginning of the week and taking good care of myself. By Wednesday, the day they were competing, I just got really inward and sad that I wasn't there and my mood was definitely affected. Thursday, I went to prenatal classes alone and had the stand-in instructor as my labour coach, and hated not having her there. I guess that's when I really felt my mood slip a bit.
I'm usually pretty good about taking care of myself, but near the end of the week, I would get hungry and realize I hadn't fed myself or looked at the clock and it was 1 am and I hadn't thought about bed. It saddens me to think that I need another person here to do those things. It's not like she takes care of me, it's just that having another body in the room reminds me that there are things to do... if that makes any sense.
I thought the week alone with BoomBoom would strengthen our ties, but it wasn't until about Wednesday that I realized I hadn't said a word to her the whole week, or written in the journal I'm keeping for her. She probably recognized the voices from Long Island Medium and Intervention more than my own. Pretty sad.
I'm sure I would have pulled it together on my own, but god I'm glad she's home. I took the day off work today and we've just spent the last 12 hours in bed reconnecting. I miss her so much when she's gone.
Yeah... a little codependent.
I'm so happy too that she'll be able to put our family first for the next few months and not be so busy with her singing. There will still be lots of rehearsals and weekend retreats, but as she said last night... baby and family come first. And that is the plan. It's a good plan.