Sighs of Relief

I told my mum we were starting a family.

It took me months and about two targeted attempts, but I finally did it. My grandmother was in town from Britain and my brothers, their wives and all the grandkids headed to my parents in various forms two weekends in a row to visit with the grandmother. 

It's tough to get my parents on their own now, especially because they now live out of the city and it's a trek to get over there, and the chances of being alone with them are slim to none. I've also waited for it to come organically, and of course, it never would. There were some opportunities like when we told them we were thinking about going in on a house with friends of ours. I said it would be great for them to have someone to hand their kid over for 10 minutes when they go to the shop. She responded that it would be great for us too, for someone to look after our cats when we were gone. I wanted so badly to say, "Yeah, it'll be good when we have a baby too," but I kept choking up on my words.

I felt strongly about letting them know before we started trying. I feel as though if we'd just shown up pregnant, it would've been a big slap in the face, somehow. But at the same time, my best friend had a good point: "I didn't call up my mom to tell her I was going to start having unprotected sex". True, but for whatever reason, this felt different. 

In another post, I will perhaps go into the intricacies of my relationship with my mother, but not today. We have only become close in the last 6 years. And my "close," I mean I call her every few weeks and we can mostly enjoy our once-a-month-or-two visit. She's a difficult and complicated woman, who never showed her love until well after I was 25 years old, but she has changed, and somehow our relationship just works. Through everything, if I dig deep enough, I realize that she does adore me - she just doesn't know what to do with that emotion.

I'm closer with my dad, but didn't feel right about telling only him (my mother would have killed me). I wanted to tell them both at the same time, but the opportunity didn't come up. After a long visit, my mum had to drive me and Devon somewhere, and when I got in the car, I just knew that this was my only opportunity.

"Mum, I really want to tell you what's going on for Dev and me. We're about to start a family."

BREATHE.

Her response? "Well of course you are! How could you not? You're both so amazing with kids, and Lex - you've wanted to be a mum since you were two years old. That's all you cared about."

RELIEF.

I just smiled. And then she went on about how I'll have to move closer to her so that she can "take care of me". You need to understand that this comes from a woman who never really took care of me (other than the bare necessities), so it was a little overwhelming. 

It was interesting: she wasn't that interested in my mental health. All she wanted to know about was the donor - what does he look like? what is he good at? etc. I didn't expect her to focus on that, but all things considered, I was delightfully surprised with her reaction. 

I haven't had a chance to tell my dad yet, and though I imagine my mum said something, he's probably feeling a bit left out. But we have time, and now that the initial word is out, I imagine that will make room for many more words. My mum basically said she wouldn't inquire until we told her we were pregnant... which I think she probably said out of respect for us, but I actually do want to talk with her more about it.

Anyway, that's that. I feel so incredibly lighter and am continuously amazed with my family's support. We told my sister-in-laws (who I am way closer to than my actual brothers), who are both thrilled. It was funny, when I was having trouble with telling my mum, one of my sister-in-laws suggested we just let the kids tell her, so she had a little chat with her 6-year-old in front of us:

"Would it be great if Auntie Lex and Auntie Devon had a baby? Would you like another cousin?"

3 second look of confusion followed by a, "Yeah! I hope they have a boy so it evens out the boy and girl cousins. Hey... is that a hornet??" as she ran off into the garden, following the buzzing.

In pressing news, AF came yesterday. As soon as I saw it, I just couldn't get over the fact that this *could* be the last time I see it in many, many months. Hopefully!

Telling the Parents 101

With Easter come and gone, this year more than ever, religion has been on my mind. I wrote a story about my crazy religious past and how it has affected my adulthood... and how it may affect the way I bring up my child. Religion is such a great issue, and on The Next Family site, you'll see many many people who are in similar boats when it comes to the topic of religion. Great reads all around.

We spent Easter with my parents, one of my brothers, and his wife and four kids. There was no Jesus, just the Easter bunny. Visiting my parents is always a bit difficult for me, as I have a tendency to collapse into myself when my mother is around (I'll save our relationship for another post!) but I really did keep true to myself this weekend, and didn't back down around her, which I was both surprised about and grateful for. I am practicing for when it is time to tell my parents about Devon and I trying to have a baby. 

I imagine the conversation will go something like this:

Me: Mum, we're going to have a baby.

Mum: No, you will not! Are you crazy?!

Me: Yeah, you're right. Okay, okay... we won't.

Kidding. 

But a little help on how to break the news?? This is still a big one for me, and I've yet to figure out the words. We had such a hard time five years ago when we told them we were getting married. And that was "just" marriage. This is a baby. A baby that I hope my mum will be game to have be a part of her life.

They came around with the wedding. I hope that they will do the same for a grandchild.

Another Family

If you don’t know about The Next Family, it’s definitely worth checking out. There are very few sites that I can name that do what it does. It’s a lifestyle site dedicated to the modern family –stories from gay parents, single parents, surrogates, urban city dwellers, and basically everything outside of the dry, “normal” range of relationships and parenthood. They also have a huge resource section that it pretty notable.

I actually wrote an entry for them, and will be writing for them on a frequent basis. The people behind the scenes are awesome, and the folks that write always have some really great stuff to say.

A bit of a shameless plug, but I’m just excited to be part of it... and I think we all need communities like the one they’ve built.

Happy Friday everyone.

Guess what? We're going to do this!!

We finally talked! Devon even set up the date, told me that she wanted to talk this through... so we did...

I'm flying a little high right now, but I wanted to get this out of my body, to someone other than Devon: She wants to go through with this... she wants for us to have a baby! She talked through some of her fears - both before the conversation and during it - and she realized that all of the excuses she was telling herself (age, money, etc.) were just that: excuses.

I went in not knowing what to expect, and considering what happened last time, I had every single metaphorical piece of armor I own put on before talking. I was ready to take a blow. I was wondering how in the hell I would put this away... but I don't have to!

Devon opened up with something like, "I know you have an appointment with your doctor on Thursday; when you're there, I want you to ask what the first step is to get us on this road of TTC." And YES - she even used the phrase TTC... after reading my blog, she's almost up on the lingo ;-)

We haven't gone into too much detail yet. We tossed around a few names if we go the way of a KD. I was really adamant about wanting to stay active with the TTC journey... not letting it dissipate after all of our talking. 

She agreed.

Whaaaaaaaat?? We're going to get ourselves a baby!?!?!

Thursday: Bring it on!

I Have a Uterus Too, Boss.

This may make me a bad lesbian, but I am often very forgiving of people who say stupid, ignorant things that should maybe hurt me as a member of the lesbian race - especially when I know it is not consciously meant as an attack. I guess I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes that comes with a punch in the gut and/or uterus on my end.

Today wasn't that bad in the scheme of things, but my buttons certainly got pushed.

I'm currently covering a mat leave for my job, the "incumbent" comes back this summer (I still find that to be the weirdest word for mom/dad that goes away from work for a while to look after a child... or anyone else who is taking a break from work for whatever reason, but I digress). In this blessed Canadian country of mine, a maternity leave is 12 months, and although there is almost a half year left in my contract, I'm the kind of person that needs a plan. That may not come as a surprise to anyone who reads my blog ;-)

I was going to approach Boss this week to basically let her know that I have to start thinking about setting something up for after my contract, but Boss beat me to it. She came into my office today to tell me that she's proposing a new position to upper management for me, but whether or not it is approved totally depends on the budget, which is hurting right now. Boss can't promise me anything, but it was a good conversation to have regardless - gave me a little hope that I could stay there, as I really like the work I do.

So the conversation with Boss continued and we talked through what it may look like when Incumbent comes back. Boss turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Yeah, and if (when) Incumbent goes on maternity leave again, you'll be here and up to speed and we won't have to worry about having an empty role for long."

And maybe I shouldn't have read into things or let something so small get to me, but I was sitting across the desk from her, just thinking, "and why the fuck would you think that I wouldn't have to go on mat leave one day too? Just because I don't have a cock in my house - literally AND figuratively - doesn't mean that I'm going to give up my right as a woman to be a mom. And fuck you for thinking I could be the 'replacement' constant because (of course!) there is no way in hell I could have a family with my wife. Fuck you, Boss: Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I don't have a working uterus and some dreams that go with it."

Jeez. 

And I'm not even PMSing. 

                               [photo credit]

There are Two Sides to this Story

It's really tough reading over my posts about D and her words and actions without feeling a little bit of guilt. I know this is *my* blog and thus my side of things, but I never want to vilify D... all of the feelings she has around having a family are more than valid - and the fact that we are not on the same page is just a fact: we are not on the same page. It's nobody's "fault".

We talked a bit last night, coming out of the conversation yesterday morning about her dream. Neither of us were in any state to spend the entire night talking. I was sleep-deprived and she had a long day at work, and from experience, if we're not in the right head-space to talk, it never goes well.

D is extremely upset about what happened the other night, and she wanted to explain her reaction (which her dream helped her realize, somehow). Every six months or so, she has a little bit of a (almost) mid-life crisis with regards to work. Ten years ago, she started in the industry that she works in now, knowing that it was temporary and not a "forever" choice. But here she is, ten years later. She has often tossed around going back to school, which never turns into anything, but over the last few months, for the first time in 14 years, she's been incredible serious about it, and has become increasingly excited about the possibility. This time is different; this time it feels real. And I would love nothing else for her to go back to school so that she can start doing something she's passionate about.

It's also one of the first times she's been able to put herself first in this relationship. There is a long history of her sacrificing things so that I get what I want/need, and over the last six months, as we've been working on our relationship, it has evened out significantly.

I want her to go back to school. I don't want to take that away from her. I totally support the idea, and if this is something she wants to do, I will do everything I can to make that happen.

However, she doesn't think starting a family and going back to school is possible. She doesn't think that buying a townhouse in this expensive city of ours and starting a family is conducive. She doesn't want to be an "old" mom, and this is where - and the only place - that our age difference matters: I am eight years younger, and at the perfect age to be a mom (I think), but she is pushing 40, and I know it's tough for her to imagine her later life as a mom. Bottom line: She doesn't think that she'll be able to (finally) do the things that she wants to do if we have a baby.

And I need to respect that.

But, deep down inside, I know we can make everything happen: school, home, baby. Or maybe I've just got my head in the clouds and am being forcefully optimistic about being able to do all of this.

I don't want her to have to give up her dreams. But I don't want to give up my dreams either...

[Final note: If anyone has any experience with schooling at the same time as being a new mom, I'd love to hear from you about how you balance it - emotionally, financially, etc. Also, any moms who have dived into the role of motherhood "later" in life - whatever that means to you - I'd love to hear how you've found the experience.]

So, we talked last night

I don't even know what to say.

Apparently nor did she.

Perhaps I was too optimistic. Perhaps my expectations were too high.

Me: "So, I've held up my end of the deal and haven't brought up any talk about having a family for over three months, and now I really need to know where you're at."

D: "In all honesty, I haven't really thought too much about it."

(Really?!)

Me: "Oh."

Long silence.

Then some talk about lives ending after children, financial stuff, moving homes, specifics... until finally I said:

"Take away everything - don't think about the details - just tell me: Do you want to be a mum?"

D: "I don't know."

Longer silence.

I was strong and objective and I tried to make it easy for us to talk about this (as it hasn't been easy in the past), but my voice broke and I lost it when I told her that I need an answer from her because I can't continue to be in this limbo, and I need to know if this is something I have to let go of... she owes me that.

So, we left it that she would talk with me sometime this week and have an answer.

I slept for about two hours last night, woke up crying. She woke up with her alarm, and on her way out the door, said she'd had a "dream that put everything into perspective" and wants to talk tonight.

It's hard to be positive though. I was positive last night.

Crushed.

The Power of Words

Many of the blogs I read have participated in the One Little Word Project, and I'm a little slow out of the gates, but this subject is near and dear to my heart, because this is something of a tradition for me.

Every year, for the past three years around Christmas, whether blatantly or subtly, D finds out what word I would like to have as my mantra for the coming year. Although the actual physical follow-through didn't happen until a year later, I think the tradition was created after a retrospective talk at the end of 2007, which, to date, seemed to be the busiest year of our lives together. That year, I finally graduated from college (after taking seven years to complete an undergrad... let me tell you - it's tough to get a degree when, for the first few years of it, you end up in a psych ward every time exam season rolled around!), D started a brand new job, I started a brand new job (first time in the full-time workforce, after having been on disability for years), we moved away from the city, we bought a condo in the suburbs, and we got married. Yes - all of this in one year!

Although it was a thrilling year, I think it knocked the wind out of both of us - especially me, who is not super great with change and/or not knowing what the future will bring. We are not superstitious people, nor are we big holiday folks, but New Years to us seems to be the most important time... especially after a year like 2010, which was pretty horrible, to be honest.

So each year since 2007, I have - sometimes unknowingly - chosen a single word for the coming year. Starting at Christmas in 2008, D made it real for me.

My 2009 word

STRENGTH was my word for 2009. For the Christmas just prior, D got me a key chain which you can add anything to (it's a circular stainless steel band - see above, on a blanket full of kitten fur). She got my word engraved and STRENGTH was the original... I had no idea that it would turn into an annual gift. I chose STRENGTH because, many many years ago, before D and I were a couple, and we were just friends, I was going through some tough times with my health, and D gave me a little silver pocket charm with the word "STRENGTH" etched into one side.

I kept that charm in my pocket every day for six years. I could not leave the house without it, and I always found comfort putting a hand in my pocket, just to touch it, know it was there, and draw whatever strength I could from it. I have always known the power of words (part of the reason I wanted to become a writer... still working on that!), and though it was such a simple thing, it meant so much to me.

Perhaps too much. I got attached to it, and couldn't imagine going through life without it. I think the day of my wedding was the first day that I didn't have it on my person; I was wearing a dress, after all... and let's just say my boobs don't really allow for "storage" like some other boobs I know (very) well.

My friends got married two months after we did, and on the way to their reception - somewhere between the car to the venue - the pocket strength got lost. Panicked, I looked for quite some time, and because of lack of light and just too much ground to cover, I had to let it go. Both physically and metaphorically. It was harder than I ever thought it would be. I took some solace in the fact that I had drawn all the strength I could from it, and that the person who found it was someone who needed it more than I did... that I was ready to move on.

Although I was able to live just fine without it, it never really left my mind, so when D gave me this new strength just over a year later, it felt like I had found the charm all over again.

I didn't know it was to become an annual thing, until the next year:

My 2010 word

GOODNESS. Although it sounds a little funny off the tongue, GOODNESS made sense for 2010. The year certainly didn't turn out to have a heck of a lot of goodness in it - at least not until the last few months of it - but it was still something that resonated with me at the turn of the year. I have since washed myself clean of all the wrongs of 2010 - and there was plenty of that - so maybe it wasn't a good choice, but I certainly learned, by the end of the year, the power that the word GOODNESS holds... and the good did come, just a little later in the year. By November 2010, GOODNESS did fill a lot of my life.

This year's word is the most exciting to me, I think.

My 2011 word

HOPE. It even looks different from the prior years' designs. Because this year really is going to be different. It will be filled with HOPE... it already is.

I have hope for my relationship, because I know it's true potential.

I have hope that we will find a new home, perfect for us, where I know we belong.

I have hope that a new job will come up, where I will be celebrated and recognized (I would stay in mine, but it is a mat leave position!)

I have hope for my health, as I wean off some meds.

I have hope that this year will bring a family - whatever that may mean.

Bring it on...

Playing Pretend With My Heart Strings

Although I am back at work tomorrow after a glorious 10 days off, I am still in vacation mode, as my parents gave D and me a gift of having 5 nights in a posh hotel downtown. So we took the kittens to "camp" and have just enjoyed being in the city. We're here most of the week, and it's making me realize what a good move this next one will be: from the suburbs back to the city. We are not huge "city folks" but we are soooo not suburbians. Unfortunately it took a large mortgage and 3 years to figure that out. But alas... we will be moving in the summer, hopefully.

We've picked up magazines and started looking at homes more seriously. D has a great idea of what she wants. We generally have the same taste in places and have a similar idea of what we want, but it's getting more obvious that though this is most likely a near-forever move, D seems to be thinking of 2, not 3 people. Just me and her... I could be wrong, but yet, how would I know?

No, I haven't brought up the baby talk yet. Truth is, I'm just enjoying the time off with her, the lightness of just enjoying each others' company and just being a couple. Emphasis on the word "couple". Two. Duo. Just us.

Part of me just wants to get over this hump and see what the talk will bring, but there is a bigger part of me that knows that if the answer is not what I am expecting or hoping for, I am going to be crushed, and for right now, I am enjoying my time, my wife, my pseudo vacation... so I will hold off until we are home in our own place with a door to close that's not a hotel bathroom door.

Or I'm just too scared. Maybe I'm just too scared. Am I putting this off for no reason?

I've enjoyed reading my blogroll blogs over the last few weeks. Great birth stories, pregnancy stories, babies and happy mamas... so awesome. I'm thrilled for everyone who has had great news over the last little while.

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a voyeur. I do not have a belly, nor a sperm donor, nor even a partner that I'm talking to about anything yet. But I keep telling myself that my time will come, and for this week, I may hold off. Yet again, if the time feels right, I will bring it up. Because I deserve to know. I've held up my end of the bargain, and it's time I know.

Do I want to know?

Our Little Family is A-Okay :-)

So, 2010: Good frikkin' riddance... you brought little good, and were probably one of the toughest years in recent history.

2011: Welcome, my friend. I already know you will bring good things. In fact, you already have.

D and I had an incredible New Years - actually, we had an incredible week. We are still having an incredible week. It is hard to explain how happy I am right now. I just feel as though everything is where it is suppose to be, exactly how it should be.

I have an amazing partner, who surprises me every single day with her love and kindness. Our relationship has flourished ten-fold, and we are nothing like we were. We have found a new way to love, a new way to live, with an old, familiar sense of knowing that we will always be okay.

We brought in the new year after a day of D working on the house (which looks amazing). She is really talented when it comes to DIY stuff - who knew?! She let me sleep... I am now on week two of coming off my anti-anxieties, and things are going extremely well. I have slept, and thanks to D's support these last few weeks, have had little problems. I dropped the dose again last night, and hope to be off almost a month earlier than I'd originally hoped. Anyway, I woke up to a beautifully tiled kitchen, a cup of coffee, and a kiss. Nothing better than that...

We did some errands, went for breakfast and went for a walk... the latter being kind of a big deal. I have not been able to walk for almost 4 years without pain, but yesterday, feeling good and almost-pain-free, I suggested a quick walk around a lake close to our home, and despite the temperature being in the minuses, we had a fabulous time. Came home, relaxed, talked about what we wanted this next year to look like, got some take-out and brought in the new year with a few glasses of champagne.

We woke up this morning with a new shared sense of faith. We are both so ready to move on from last year, and it just feels so good to shed it, shake it off, and start fresh.

As we were lying in bed this morning, D turned to me and said "You know the ban ends today." For a second, I didn't clue into what she was saying, and then I smiled: the baby-talk ban is over. 2011 is here, and we are now able to talk about babies. Never in a million years did I expect her to bring it to my attention though...

I smiled and replied, "I know."

And that's it.

Because today is about us. Today is a day where I can look around my home and know that I am happy with everything as it is. Today is exactly as it should be: I have a partner who I adore more than ever before. I have a home that, for now, I am happy to be in. I have two of the cutest kittens in the world, who also know that everything is wonderful. The sun is shining on the snow on the ground. The sky is blue and the fire is on. I am exactly where I should be.

So, today will be another day that we don't talk about babies. Today will be a day to focus on what we have right now. And I wouldn't have it any other way...

Today is an amazing day.

Happy New Years, everyone. May 2011 bring all the hope, joy, and love possible.

Does this improve on silence?

I've been uninspired to write, feeling as though I have nothing to add to the blogosphere's conversation, especially when it comes to TTC or gay parenting or anything remotely associated with this blog title. It was funny too, with the timing: H2 commented on one of my posts, and because I was not familiar with the name, I clicked on her blogger profile and read her "About Me" and it is just a simple quote, which just took me in... one of those times where it felt like it was meant just for me. A quote from Sai Baba:

"Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?"

I was going to write just to write until I read that, and thought, "no, this really doesn't improve on the silence". And though I know it's writing and not speaking, I still feel like this is a place where I have a voice, regardless of how many people are here to "see" me speak. But I do feel that what I put on these pages count. Or should. Or, I don't know.

Christmas was great. D and I had a fabulous morning together spoiling each other, and then headed to my brother's for Christmas dinner with his wife and four kids, who we adore. [side note: I'm going to rename "D" and perhaps give myself and other "players" in my life a pseudonym, as it's more personal. Plus, I *love* Insert Metaphor's cast of characters...]

We had lots of laughs and lots of great feedback from the gifts we got the kids this year ~ I have to say, we are pretty amazing aunties when it comes to this kind of stuff... especially when our 5 year old niece says that the only thing she wants this year is a Jasmine Barbie, but guess what? There is no Jasmine Barbie in Canada. D even went to Washington State to see whether we could pick up a Jasmine Barbie, but she only comes in the Disney Princess Collection. Long story short: we got a Jasmine Barbie from the storage room at the Disney store from Disney World itself! (We didn't go all the way there, but fate had it that a Santa-like person just happened to be there at the right moment). Anyway, we spoiled the kids without breaking the bank.

Besides Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day, we don't really have many plans this season, which is good... I'm catching up on many months of under-sleeping, and especially as I'm weaning off the anti-anxieties (still no problems, knock on wood), this time is really important to me to just be good to myself, and my partner, and although we have an apartment to renovate, our selves need to revamp.

It seems like this year went extra fast, which is good. It's actually been a flippin' horrible year, and though we are doing well now, and have been for some months, I would not want to go through anything remotely close to what we've/I've been through this year.

I have high hopes for 2011. I really do. I'm hopeful for the conversation that D and I will be having soon about family. I hope that she still wants to do this. I've been really respectful and have followed through on my promise to let the subject go for three months. But January is coming up, and though I'm not going to jump on D at 12:01 a.m. on January 1st, I'm looking forward to starting up a conversation that I hope sets up the rest of the year.

In my head, she says yes and we run out the door to the fertility clinic. In reality, we have some things to think through: I am currently in a job that ends this summer, and I need to find a permanent job in order to put in my hours before I take maternity leave or even start fertility treatments. I need medical coverage, which I have now, but D doesn't, so when this job ends, that's a top priority (though anything to do with reproductive "help" is unfortunately not easily covered). We are moving in the summer, hopefully, back to the city and out of Suburbia, which, although has done us some good, has mostly made us realize that our lives and our hearts are in the city. That damn, ridiculously expensive and beautiful city...

My health too. I will be off my anti-anxieties faster than I'd originally thought, if things continue to go smoothly. But there is more tweaking to do. My chronic pain issues are SO close to being gone (yay!) but I still have a little bit more to go there too.

And I'm not forgetting my wonderful partner. I have no idea what, if anything, she envisions when she thinks of our journey towards making a family. I respect that she is most likely not as eager as I am, and that's okay. I've been spilling out fears and hopes here, and she - for all I know - really did take a full 3 month hiatus from even thinking about babies. And that's okay. That was the point, right?

I'm getting antsy, yes. I just want to know. I'm a planner. I'm a dreamer. I'm a worst-case-scenario kind of person, so any answer can help me move on. I look forward to the conversation, and I trust that it will happen organically. I don't want to push. I don't want to harp. I want D to want to talk about this. I just have to remind myself that she is not me, and she will not, understandably, be on the same page as me... but this time, I'm hoping for at least the same book.

I trust that next year will be "our" year. We are going into it in a healthy place, and I do have faith that, whatever is in the cards, is the right thing for both of us. In the meantime, I will breathe.

Gotta remember to breathe.

                 [photo credit]

The New Girl (and a thank you)

I'm new to all of this. New to a community who wants, is trying, or has expanded a single life or partnership into a family. New to a community who is versed in the conception lingo - TTC, IVF, HPT, 2WW... and a whole bunch of others that I've yet to learn. New to a community who are lesbians. That's right, I don't really even have "real life" close lesbian friends.

I don't live in a small town and I'm not sheltered by any means. I know gay people; I have gay friends. It's just that I don't make a point of making more gay friends for the sake of making gay friends. People come into my life as-is and I start relationships as-is, regardless of gender, sexuality, faith or age. I don't have a lesbian community, and until recently, haven't really felt the "need" to have one. I am just gay and living my life; nothing to see here. I married for love, not politics. I want equal rights, but I am not the woman you'll see marching with a flag in my hand to fight for them. I'm blessed to live in a country where I got to marry the woman I love by getting the same marriage license as the straight couple in the line in front of us at the local drug store. (Yay Canada!).

I haven't felt the need to seek a community, until now. When I first got serious about putting my dreams of being a mom into actions, I went online to read - to see how others have done it. And now, I'm scratching the surface... I started to blog about the beginning of my journey into motherhood, but I honestly feel as though I've been a bit of an imposter.

Life got in the way. Relationship troubles have put the baby plans on the shelf for the time being. Chronic pain has stopped me from starting the process of having a baby. My mental health has made the baby take the back seat. But, that is life. That's my life.

My wife doesn't know about this blog. It's not that I'm hiding it from her - I will show her next year, when we are "allowed" to talk about babies (according to our therapist and our decision). We made a deal that I would not pressure her to walk this road with me for three months, as long as she could tell me in January whether she's truly committed and ready for this whole TTC journey (an abbreviation I will have to explain to her). The next three months, we focus on us.

She bought us books last year to get ready. She dreamed with me about parenting. She thought up baby names with me. And then our relationship took a hit, and dreaming got put aside so that healing could start. And that's okay. I'm actually grateful for it; although this whole not knowing is tough, I recognize that I have an incredible woman who, regardless of whether it's just us and our cats, or us and our cats and a dog and a baby, I want to be with, am lucky to have, and can't wait to live my life with her.

So, for all of you who are ahead of me in the family or trying-for-a-family department, I just want to thank you for paving the way, for writing so honestly and openly about being lesbians and starting families - or having trouble starting families. I will join you soon, and I can't wait. I know very few of your names. But I'm getting to know many initials and nicknames, URLs, and some of your beautiful families through photos. I read every comment you write and truly appreciate the time you take to read, and feel supported by your responses. I feel as though I'm building a strong foundation before starting off on a treacherous and exciting journey, and that foundation  - this community - is vital. (I almost feel as though I'm coming out of the closet again).

For now, I hope that you'll let me be a part of your community: one that I'm realizing is stronger than I'd ever imagined would be out there. You are inspiring, you make me laugh, you make me cry, and I want to be like you. One day, I will be like you. I'm already on my way there.

[photo credit]

Twins, Triplets: What's One More?

I just spent a lovely evening with my best friend, looking after her sister's five-month-old twins. One boy, one girl. Perfect. One shot and bam! - instant family.

I'm sure every reader who has twins or multiples is saying "oh god it's not that simple". And no, just having to change the boy's diaper while keeping an eye on the girl while my friend was in the washroom - I cannot imagine what it would be like to raise two babies at once. Two times the madness... but two times the love as well. Even two nipples ain't going to make the job that easy.

The babies are so different from each other. Physically, the girl looks like mum and the boy looks like dad. The boy giggles and smiles and dances and the girl is low-key, relaxed, a little less emotive and holy crap she's pudgy! They were actually a C-section just because the girl was almost 3 pounds bigger than the boy in the womb, and stealing all his nutrients. Hopefully (or not), she'll grow into her cheeks.

It made me think about the odds when couples are TTC. With the hormones, the potential meds, the clinical aspect, cleaning sperm so only the goodies can swim, making it the perfect place for conception. A lot of the moms I've read blog of have multiples. Does anyone know what the stats are? For any fertility treatments? IVF? Good ol' shoot 'em up turkey baster style?

Makes me think that the odds would be higher when I try to conceive. Can a woman who struggles with mental health, low energy, and pain really take care of two babies, let alone one? But the cards will fall where they fall, and I imagine that if it were meant to be that I somehow conceived twins or triplets, I'd just have to fucking figure it out like everyone else who is in the same boat does.

These twins tonight were so good and well behaved. The boy cried for about 30 seconds after I put him to bed. Everything was so easy... and then I thought about the other 21 hours of the day. What does mum have to go through to keep herself sane?

That's when I'm grateful I would have a supportive family nearby if I am going to have a baby. I don't know whether I could go forward on this journey without my mum around. I just wish she hadn't recently moved a ferry ride away.

Oh well, there's time. Perhaps too much time. Especially as I set the clock back tonight.