Happy Mommy, Happy Baby...

I haven't blogged in a long time, partly because of being busy, but mostly because I've been privately mourning the loss of something that does not exist.

I let my faith waiver, and after my appointment with reproductive psych - regardless of the fact that it was "information gathering" - I came to the almost 100% conclusion that I would never carry a child. And what does my profile say? Crazy lesbian mom. I'd be the crazy. I'd even be the lesbian. But a mom? No...

And I *was* opening up to adoption, so yeah, I would be the mom, just not the way I've envisioned it for years. In fact, I still think that adoption would be a viable and perhaps even easier way to go when it comes to D and I having a family.

Okay, I'm just going to jump right into it: I got the "okay" to carry a baby - healthily and (let's hope) happily. D and I had gone to repro psych, and done our own research on medications, depression and pregnancy. I think both of us didn't get our hopes up, because I promised D that I wouldn't carry if the risks outweighed the benefits (if it were up to me, I'd put myself at risk, but I really don't want D to have to care for a baby and a depressed mother... 2 babies).

So we finally went to my shrink, who has been my shrink for over a decade, and gathered some information from him. He basically looked at us and said "go make a baby" ... Yes, there are more risks, but they are not astronomical. I can stay on some medications and the baby will be okay. I will be okay. 

We both looked at him like he was just playing with us, and he said something which I sometimes forget: "You were really really sick, but that was years ago... you are a completely different woman, have an incredible support system, and are capable of so much" (I'm paraphrasing, but you catch my drift).

It was in the past, and though I struggle now with little dips, it is not these vast valleys of blackness that I used to drown in. I am healthy - not as healthy as a lot of people - but in the grand scheme of things, I am healthy.

He made a parallel to a pregnant woman taking medication for diabetes. Yeah, it's healthier not to be taking medication when you're pregnant, but people have to. His main message: "Happy Mommy, Happy Baby..." If I can stay on some medication that keeps me sane, and if my fetus isn't at some huge risk of anything life-threatening or disabling, I have faith that we can all do this - D, me and baby-to-be.

Average women who have average pregnancies can have babies with a lot of health problems. And not to say it wouldn't be awful to have a disabled baby, but we'd deal with it when we would have to deal with it. It makes me a bit nervous that yes - there are a few risks, but for instance, one of the biggest one (as a result of one anti-depressant) is a cleft palate, which is normally a .8% chance in babies, and would now be a 1% chance. 

Am I willing to take that 1% chance? Hellz yeah!

I couldn't believe it. I left the office and it still hasn't really sunk in yet. We can do this. I can have my dream. I can be pregnant - I CAN BE PREGNANT! Still in shock... good shock... And what's even better is D's reaction. I expected her to still be a little hesitant, but she's ecstatic too - and that means more than the world to me. I asked her "what next?" and she said, "look up fertility clinics!"

I know it's one doctor. But he's one of the best doctors in Canada. Seriously... I totally trust him, and he has complete faith that this will actually be in my best interest - he said that I may even feel a peace when I'm pregnant that I've never felt before - that some of the hormones may actually be extremely good for me. And as for post-partum, my chances are a hell of a lot lower than I expected. And, if I happen to fall into a depression: a) I know when I'm depressed, and after many years, know when I need to get help, and b) As I said, I have the best doctor in Canada, and he will be there, with a plan, when I need him. 

D is contacting some lesbian friends of ours who have had one child through IVF or artificial insemination (not sure) and their second through a surrogate. Other friends (another lesbian couple) will be having their little girl in mere days - and they did AI. We have many straight friends that have used clinics in our city, and I've been doing some research on those. Oddly enough, there actually aren't as many as I would've thought. But I guess it only takes one...

I am so freakin' excited. I want to do it NOW. But first, I have to deal with my chronic pain. I have a surgery assessment soon and will hopefully have some answers within the next few months. Once that is clear out of the way, we are going to barrel straight ahead.

Now... just one question: Who the hell's sperm are we going to use???

[photo credit]

Flash Forward

I’m exhausted. My partner is exhausted. We’re both just drained, and all from one conversation. 

After the appointment at Repro Psych, I admit I totally shut down and wasn’t really communicating all that well. I took my partner’s earlier request that “baby talk” didn’t take over our lives to heart and instead, said nothing. Plus, it was my birthday and I didn’t want to think about pregnancy, medication, surrogacy, adoption, or childlessness. But in the back of my mind, it never went away. It never does.

My partner… let’s call her “D” for simplicities sake… wanted answers. Is being pregnant and carrying my own child more important that parenting a child? I threw around an answer in my head, but never verbalized it until last night.
I see pregnancy and actually “obtaining” a child as two very separate things (obtaining is such a horrible word, but I guess “having” a child may suggest actually birthing one). My hormones are crazy; the intensity of these urges that seem to jump out of my empty womb are ridiculously hard to ignore. Biology is of course part of that… D has never in her life had an urge anywhere close to that, and I don’t expect her to understand. I just wish she could sometimes.
I want contact with my unborn child. I want it to be completely dependent on me. I want to make an attachment with something that is growing inside of me. I want to hold out the baby when it is born and say “look what I made.”
 
When surrogacy was brought up as an option, at first I thought it would be my second choice (if we had the money). But now that I’ve been thinking of it – it’s not the genetics. I don’t actually care – at this moment at least – about whether I’m genetically linked to my child. I don’t want someone else to grow my child inside of them. I fear if we go that route, my need (and I really do think of it as a NEED) to carry a baby will not be fulfilled. 

Maybe it will be option #3.

And then there is adoption. If we were to adopt, I would want a newborn. D told me that she is sad that we don’t agree on adoption. She would be happy to raise an older child – give a child a chance after adversities that he or she has had to face, and welcome them into a healthy, happy home. I would love to say that I’m that woman who could and would do that. But I’m not.
This isn’t altruistic, this is selfish. 

And all I can think about is how shitty it is that I can’t get all I’ve ever wanted, because a) I’m a lesbian, b) I’m crazy, c) I have chronic pain issues, and d) D and I can’t agree on what our lives are going to look like.

She ended the conversation with “Maybe I don’t even want a kid.” I looked at the floor, I imagined us in our 50s and 60s without child, and I realized that that life may be exactly the life we’re heading for…

Single? SURE! Gay... well, here's the thing...

I am blessed to live in Canada, where I'm able to be legally married to my partner, and to be treated as any other straight person is treated.

Except if you want to adopt a child.

From Adoption Council of Canada's FAQs:

So, a 18 year old single GIRL can adopt, but a lesbian couple in a long-standing marriage.... yeah, maybe not.

Bass ackwards, I say.

Not to mention sad.

"Life For Sale"

I came home to my subscription to "The Walrus" - Canada's best magazine, in my books... literally. Usually I'm thrilled to read it, but I couldn't help but think that the cover story was a sign:


"Life for Sale: Canada's Underground Trade in Human Eggs" by Alison Motluk, which, brilliantly written, goes into how Canada's fertility laws fail donors, doctors, and parents.


At lunch today, I was searching Adoption Canada and websites on surrogacy, trying to be discrete, as my three male coworkers share the office space. (It's really awkward when one of them walks by and I've got a page up with a "crazylesbianmom" login or something). Everything is so confusing... I didn't open all the hundreds of PDFs of information, but with all that I read, through the odd laws, the money, the illegalities, the list of 30,000 children waiting to be adopted, I got totally overwhelmed. And then my lunch hour was up and I went into a meeting, dazed.


So what's going to be easier? Coming off a few meds and risking my health to the point where I may lose myself and my partner, and potentially get pregnant and have a baby, hoping to dear god it'll be healthy and I'll be able to enjoy the little thing without postpartum depression OR flying through loopholes and laws extracting eggs, paying tens of thousands of dollars using some stranger's uterus to grow my own baby, and suddenly have it delivered to us at our doorstep?


Money is money, and we won't worry about that until we have to - we're okay for now. And I find it really awkward to put the words "money" and "baby" in the same sentence. So, I won't.


I'm just so confused. And my partner is feeling a bit "off" and said that maybe yesterday was too stressful. And we're not even doing anything yet.


Awesome.

Dancing a Two-Step

Well, she wasn't a dragon.


Despite her horrible reviews, she was actually really informative. And surprisingly gay-friendly. I'm still digesting the day, and the visit to Reproductive Psychiatry, and the conversations pre and post visit with my partner.


Before going in, we decided that this was merely an information gathering session, and we got a lot of information. Info we needed to hear, info I didn't want to hear, and a bit of info that is keeping me from feeling completely defeated.


There are risks. Of course, I know that. We know that. My partner and I both agreed this morning (over my tears in the car ride heading in to work) that this appointment should have been secondary to an appointment with my psychiatrist. He's the one who has known me and my mental health for 10 years. He's the one that will understand what *I'll* be like if I relapse, as opposed to some other crazy lesbian.


I wanted to know whether my baby would be safe. My partner wanted to know whether I'd be safe. We agreed to disagree, I guess, on why we were going. My partner did say something that I'd never heard in these words before: "I am not scared of losing the baby; I'm scared of losing you."


Me? Honestly? I'd put my health at risk in a heartbeat if I didn't have anyone to stop me. But I have an incredible partner that will help me get through the "I'll do anything for a baby even if it means almost killing me" mindset, and keep me level. She's good at that.


I'll go into the appointment more in another blog, but what I gathered was:
a) This doc has never treated anyone on as many medications as I am on in her 30 years of practice.
b) Against popular belief, anti-depressants hold little risk in pregnancies
c) There is a 25-30% chance of depression relapsing with a pregnancy
d) Babies addicted to crack turn out fine on the most part, so... (odd)
e) I'm on the highest amount of all my medications, so that if I *do* get pregnant while I'm on the same doses (which I don't want), there will be no room to up my meds if I relapse
f) She was impressed that I wasn't fat, considering my dose of a "fattening" medication
g) She has a book, and she likes to plug it
h) It's up to us (my partner and I) on how to proceed


She said she'd be happy to take my case if my regular psychiatrist would agree to go through this with me and work on some kind of method to lower/come off some meds. She said he's the best shrink in this part of the world, and I agree.


She also threw out the idea of adoption and having a surrogate, closing with "but there are just some women that feel as though their lives will be incomplete if they never carry their own child."


I felt like saying: Yeah, that's me.


I didn't feel as defeated as I'd expected. There is still hope. But there is still so many risks - and so many more steps. As my partner said to me today: This is just one of the many steps we are going to have to get through... so let's get through them together. Did I mention how much I love her?


Next step is my regular psychiatrist. I trust him completely. I guess he'll be the one making the call. If he doesn't agree to working something out where I can get pregnant healthily and give birth to a healthy child, I suppose that's the end of this route.


I can't even believe I'm writing that.


Wow. Way too much to take in on a Wednesday afternoon.