Sunday, July 31, 2011

What's This, You Ask?

It's a book. But it's not just any book. It's the book that Devon brought home last night and gave to me, along with a highlighter to start choosing baby names. It's the book that made me look up at her and almost cry, because I finally feel as though we're doing this together.

P.S. An entire chapter is dedicated to names famous hockey players... in true Canadian form. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Another happy moment ruined

My best friend told me last night that she's pregnant after 4 months of trying. She's only 5 weeks into it, and with the exception of her mom and sister, I'm the only one who knows. It's such a weird feeling being simultaneously so thrilled for her and so sad for me. It feels awful not to feel 100% happy about such an amazing milestone. Obviously with her, I was ecstatic, and showed no sign of the hurt that I was feeling.

She told me to hurry up and have a baby so that we could have mat leave together (it's a year in Canada). I smiled and said that would be amazing... which it would be... but it's hard not to think about how small a chance there is for that scenario. If Devon and I are lucky enough to start trying at the end of August and lucky enough to get pregnant on the first try, then yes – it’s doable, and I want to go into this with positivity. Maybe I just have to work on that.

It's not a nice feeling to feel so sad after a joyous announcement, and it's a bit of an eye opener that there is going to be a lot more of this type of thing. I can imagine it just gets harder when you are actually going through the TTC process. 

But hey – at least I got her extra ovulation strips that she doesn’t have a need for anymore.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Happy Anniversary

It's Devon and my 4th wedding anniversary. We got engaged after two years of being together and had a long, two-year engagement. Before we were eventually together, I wanted to be together, but I thought it would never happen. I'm so glad I was wrong. 

She makes me so happy and I feel so lucky to have her. She really has stayed with me through sickness and hard times. There was a time where perhaps she should have walked away, and didn't. We almost lost each other, but we fought through. I will never do anything again that will jeopardize our relationship. She deserves to be treated like a queen, and I intend on doing that.

Whenever I feel scared or sad, I just have to close my eyes and picture what that feeling was like on our wedding day, when I was staring into her eyes... that feeling that everything will be okay. And everything will be okay; I now trust that.

Happy Anniversary Dev ~ I trust that we will celebrate so many more.

Friday, July 22, 2011

One Hundred

Is it ironic that I'm publishing my 100th blog post and my news today is that we have our psych evaluation at the clinic booked?

I think so.

Can a counselor who has one hour to decipher whether we are fit to be parents really all that helpful? I know some of you have had the psych evals at your respective clinics, so if anyone has any "head's up" info, that would be great.

Both Devon and I am pretty good about being open but knowing when to draw the line. I think as long as we're honest about my past and show that this is a different time and a different place (and that I am a very different person), we should be okay. That said, I've been reading a blog where the two women went in for a psych eval and were essentially turned away because the bio mom had mental health issues as a teenager. Seriously? It broke my heart. They are now working happily with another clinic, but the whole experience would have been awful. Part of me is petrified that it will happen to us.

I guess I understand the need for a professional counselor at a place where babies are (hopefully) being introduced into the world, but part of me thinks that if you end up at clinic, you've definitely thought things through. I don't know anyone who would want to spend a crapload of money on a kid they don't want. Then again, there's the case of the Octomom. Huh. Okay, I guess it's important.

After the psych eval, we see a nurse to go over the logistics of how we get the sperm to the clinic, etc. and any other pertinent information.

And then? Then we start!

It's crazy to think that I only have ONE more cycle before this thing goes full tilt - finally! In all honesty, I haven't been looking forward to my 100th post, because when I started writing this blog, I assumed that I'd be posting a picture of my baby - or at the very least a positive pregnancy test - for my 100th post. We decided to have this baby in 2009. It may take two years or more to get pregnant. It feels sometimes that this process has already taken so long, with all the med changes, family uncertainties, home stuff, relationship stuff... I hope so much for the actual TTC to be quick and speedy, but I know enough that I can't count on it.

At least when it finally does get here, the baby will know how very wanted s/he is.

Appointment at the top of August. Wish us luck.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Pregnant Lesbian? But How?

I've noticed something kind of strange lately. Not one, not two but three times this week, from people who a) don't know me very well but b) aren't idiots and c) don't know I'm starting the TTC process have asked me whether Devon and I will ever adopt kids.

Like it's the only option out there for lesbians.

These are educated people - including my HR Manager (who I didn't say a word to about kids because I don't trust her as far as I can throw her... and I wouldn't be able to throw her very hard). I honestly don't know if it's just that it's easier for people to ask about adoption than it is to ask about spermy boy stuff.

But wouldn't "Are you and Devon planning on having kids / starting a family / becoming moms" suffice? Or anything along those lines? Or am I missing something? (which is entirely possible).

One of the conversations was with a coworker that I have been interested in building a relationship with just because we tend to be in the same place quite a bit, but her questions about adoption just made me want to shut down talking with her about anything babyish - or anything personal, for that matter. And I didn't even know how to answer.

I don't want to adopt. Not at this point anyway. But for at least one of the conversations, I felt like I wanted to communicate that I wanted a family, but didn't want to get into the whole donor thing or who would carry or anything else specific. It's not like I would start asking straight people about such personal questions.

But is this something that I should expect to have to do? Do people see girl+girl+bump and start asking questions about the "father"? (a term I dislike for a donor) Do people ask you whether you slept with a man or whether you relied on science? Do people ask you how much money you spent on getting pregnant?

I'm kind of at a loss... I know it's not really any of their business, but I don't want to completely shut down the conversation if it does come up. 

What kinds of questions have you had, and how did you deal with acquaintances that ask these types of questions?

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Come On... Rub One Out, Canada

As I've previously written, I've known about a shortage of sperm in Canada, but I just now found out - and I am SO not exaggerating here - there are currently THIRTY THREE active sperm donors in Canada. 33. Like, Jesus's age when he died 33. Like not even anywhere close to triple digits 33. And again, I've already noted that Canada only one sperm bank in this entire country.

Buying anonymous sperm has just become illegal where I live as a result of a 29-year-old woman who has been fighting to find out about her donor father, and who argued that provincial laws "discriminate against the offspring of anonymous sperm and egg donors because, unlike adopted people, they have no right to know their origins or prevent the destruction of records that would help identify their biological parents." Fair enough, and I understand that argument. I really do. I would rather use a willing-to-be-known donor.

However, ALL of the 33 active donors in Canada are currently anonymous. So that brings us down to a whopping 0 available donors. The new law hasn't yet kicked in but will within the next year and a half. The one sperm bank does import sperm from two US banks (at a heftier price) so we do have a bit more to choose from, and I'm hopeful we will find one that fits us.

It has just got me thinking about donors and how we need to encourage young men to think about an altruistic action that will change the lives of many. There are some men who are against having a biological child out there in the world who doesn't "belong" to him, and I get that, I really do. But there has to be some - especially more than 33 - who want to help families become families, just because it's an amazing gift. I don't even know whether people outside of Toronto (where the sperm bank is situated) can donate at all...

Part of me wants to speak with my brothers, their friends, my male friends, and any male who will listen, about the NEED to donate their goods. But I am so not that person... I am not vocal and I'm not an in-your-face kind of gal. But if someone like me - who needs this very thing to fulfill a dream - can't speak out, then who will?

Friday, July 15, 2011

Hot and Cold

So my first cycle with the BBT monitoring was an epic fail, though I'm not discouraged quite yet. My own damn fault, really. I started taking my temperature every morning at 4 am (only because this is consistently one of the times I get up to pee in the night, and I didn't want to take it an hour or two later, if I'd already been out of bed). My first mistake was using a thermometer with no back light – not great for reading in the dark. Duh. My second mistake was being too eager and taking the thermometer out before it was time. My third mistake was trying to switch thermometers halfway through and ending up with three thermometers in my bedroom - only one of which (the original) works. I swear, I'm cursed when it comes to buying new ones: they work fine in the store, and then when I take them home, they're dead. Gotta do some returns.

I actually got a bit concerned because all of the charts that you can download had temperatures starting in the 97s… and I was coming in at about 96.2, consistently. At least I was consistently wrong…? Patience is a virtue, and certainly not my strong suit.

I've also been tracking my cervical fluid as best I can. Despite my temperatures being wildly inconsistent, I did get a good idea of my cycle just by being more aware of things. It was actually quite incredible pretty much knowing when I was ovulating because I'm paying attention. Ohhhh, you mean that feeling every month isn't just gas? Who knew??

Although I've entered the temperature data in Fertility Friend, I think I might discard them all and start again brand new. I don’t want the data to screw up my true cycle info.

Overly eager and making a ton of mistakes. At least I’m learning, right?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The new look... for now

I'm not sold on it yet, but I'll sit with it for a little while to see whether it fits me.
As for changing the blog title, I had a good chat with Devon this afternoon about it. She had some really good points and it was a good chat about identity. For now, I'm going to keep it as Crazy Lesbian Mom. I'll sit with that too... but I think it suits me better than I originally thought.

For now. 

Man, I'm bad with change.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Fluids and Eggs

Thanks for all of your comments on the last post - it was really helpful and gave me some insight as to what this blog means to me. I have decided to switch up the visual, and will do so when I have more than a few minutes to log on, once work has died down a little. I may change the blog name too, but I'm going to sit with that one for a while - the one thing I've learned is how important a name can be, even to a blog. It represents you.

I'm currently on day 4 of BBT tracking and am using Fertility Friend. It's weird, I input the info online, but I also have a Fertility Friend app for my iPhone. But the cycles are not the same - in fact, they're off by almost a week. Online is where I've been imputing my temperature data, so I'm guessing that one is the most accurate. It's a good lesson that all this technology doesn't necessarily help :) Does anyone have a full membership to Fertility Friend? Is it worth the cost?

So I'm doing the temperature thing and I'm also kind of taking more of an interest in my cervical fluids (yum). I will be ovulating in the next few days, so it's good to know what it all feels/looks like. I've always noticed it, but of course have never done a day-to-day analysis like I am doing now. It's funny, in the book The Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians, which I have enjoyed, the author says it's a good idea to have your partner chart for you and analyze your cervical fluid, to make her feel more involved in the baby-making process. I read that out loud to Devon and I think she threw up a little in her mouth.

There are some things that I never want my partner to do, checking my cervical fluid is one of them... now there *is* one fluid that is definitely okay, considering she's the one that helps me make it.


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I've Been Lying To You

It's funny, I've read a few of your posts where you tackle the question "Explain the Name Behind Your Blog" and those post always make me think. Truth be told, I actually don't like the name of my blog. And I don't know what to do about it.

Firstly,  I don't identify with the word "lesbian" - I actually hate being called a lesbian and have always spoken of myself as, and identified with, the word "gay". All of my friends have a silent understanding that they will not utter the "L" word in my presence, when it is in the context of me. No offense to the lesbian race... I just don't like the word for me.

Secondly, although I initially liked the "crazy" addition, I think this blog has grown out of the humour-based writing that I started with. I try to be an advocate for mental health and it bothers me when people misuse and abuse the crazy label (though I think there is a fine balance between having a sense of humour about depression (is that possible?) and treating it with the respect it warrants). Anyway, it was flippant, and now I'm not so sure.

Thirdly - and this is twofold - in real life, I use the word "mum," not "mom". I will never be called "mom" by anybody. I'm originally from Britain, and grew up with my mother being "mum" and I'd like to keep that going down the bloodline. Also, I'm not a mother anyway. Yet. I hope to be soon, but not yet. False advertising.

So why the hell did I name my blog "Crazy Lesbian Mom"? Honestly? Because I have worked in web marketing and know search engines pretty well. Because I wanted to be found by other lesbian moms, so I named myself as an easily-searchable one. Because "Clinically Depressed Gay-Identified Woman-Who-Wants-To-Be-A-Mum-One-Day" wasn't an option (not that it was taken, or anything). I just wanted to make sure that I was found and that I stood out for other people who were looking for the same support network that I wanted to belong in. And I wanted to be memorable.

But it doesn't really feel like "me".

I think it's too late to change though, because I fear that if I change something that drastic, I will lose people. It's hard enough for me to make a visual change. And maybe it's my experience with failure at re-branding products for selling stuff. Perhaps I need to get my business head out of this.

I've already started to change the way I leave comments on other people's blogs by introducing my name as well as my blog name - usually "~Lex (Crazy Lesbian Mom)". I hope to drop the parenthesis soon so that I will start being known and remembered as just "Lex".

I don't even have that many visitors to the blog - and my visitor count is actually dropping - which is why I feel as though I can't lose anyone. Have any of you gone through a drastic change that can provide me with some insight? I know some of you have moved over to Wordpress for privacy, but I think all of you have kept the same blog name. Also, does anyone else regret their choice of blog name?

What's even more funny is that yes, I get traffic to the site, but do you know how many people end up on my blog after searching for "hot lesbian mom walks in on crazy sex party with twins"?? (or something along those lines). If there is one good thing about this blog name, it's that I take sick pleasure in the fact that a bunch of dudes are ending up on a boring lesbian's TTC blog when they're looking for some crazy-ass porn.

On a less important note, but still important to me: The baby shit brown colours of this blog make me think of... well, baby shit brown. And the colour of hospital psych ward walls. For those reasons alone, I really do want to change the look of this blog, though I'm having a few reservations. I keep a whole lot of people on my blogroll (I feel that it's important to keep updating it) and when I visit other blogs directly, I love it when the layout and look of the site helps me differentiate between the blogs I read. It's the immediacy of "that's Olive / Strawberry / Pom" rather than the "who dat? ohh, I remember now." Maybe people remember me as baby shit brown. Hmm... even more reason to change things. 

I don't know.