I Have a Uterus Too, Boss.

This may make me a bad lesbian, but I am often very forgiving of people who say stupid, ignorant things that should maybe hurt me as a member of the lesbian race - especially when I know it is not consciously meant as an attack. I guess I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and sometimes that comes with a punch in the gut and/or uterus on my end.

Today wasn't that bad in the scheme of things, but my buttons certainly got pushed.

I'm currently covering a mat leave for my job, the "incumbent" comes back this summer (I still find that to be the weirdest word for mom/dad that goes away from work for a while to look after a child... or anyone else who is taking a break from work for whatever reason, but I digress). In this blessed Canadian country of mine, a maternity leave is 12 months, and although there is almost a half year left in my contract, I'm the kind of person that needs a plan. That may not come as a surprise to anyone who reads my blog ;-)

I was going to approach Boss this week to basically let her know that I have to start thinking about setting something up for after my contract, but Boss beat me to it. She came into my office today to tell me that she's proposing a new position to upper management for me, but whether or not it is approved totally depends on the budget, which is hurting right now. Boss can't promise me anything, but it was a good conversation to have regardless - gave me a little hope that I could stay there, as I really like the work I do.

So the conversation with Boss continued and we talked through what it may look like when Incumbent comes back. Boss turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Yeah, and if (when) Incumbent goes on maternity leave again, you'll be here and up to speed and we won't have to worry about having an empty role for long."

And maybe I shouldn't have read into things or let something so small get to me, but I was sitting across the desk from her, just thinking, "and why the fuck would you think that I wouldn't have to go on mat leave one day too? Just because I don't have a cock in my house - literally AND figuratively - doesn't mean that I'm going to give up my right as a woman to be a mom. And fuck you for thinking I could be the 'replacement' constant because (of course!) there is no way in hell I could have a family with my wife. Fuck you, Boss: Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I don't have a working uterus and some dreams that go with it."

Jeez. 

And I'm not even PMSing. 

                               [photo credit]

Playing Pretend With My Heart Strings

Although I am back at work tomorrow after a glorious 10 days off, I am still in vacation mode, as my parents gave D and me a gift of having 5 nights in a posh hotel downtown. So we took the kittens to "camp" and have just enjoyed being in the city. We're here most of the week, and it's making me realize what a good move this next one will be: from the suburbs back to the city. We are not huge "city folks" but we are soooo not suburbians. Unfortunately it took a large mortgage and 3 years to figure that out. But alas... we will be moving in the summer, hopefully.

We've picked up magazines and started looking at homes more seriously. D has a great idea of what she wants. We generally have the same taste in places and have a similar idea of what we want, but it's getting more obvious that though this is most likely a near-forever move, D seems to be thinking of 2, not 3 people. Just me and her... I could be wrong, but yet, how would I know?

No, I haven't brought up the baby talk yet. Truth is, I'm just enjoying the time off with her, the lightness of just enjoying each others' company and just being a couple. Emphasis on the word "couple". Two. Duo. Just us.

Part of me just wants to get over this hump and see what the talk will bring, but there is a bigger part of me that knows that if the answer is not what I am expecting or hoping for, I am going to be crushed, and for right now, I am enjoying my time, my wife, my pseudo vacation... so I will hold off until we are home in our own place with a door to close that's not a hotel bathroom door.

Or I'm just too scared. Maybe I'm just too scared. Am I putting this off for no reason?

I've enjoyed reading my blogroll blogs over the last few weeks. Great birth stories, pregnancy stories, babies and happy mamas... so awesome. I'm thrilled for everyone who has had great news over the last little while.

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a voyeur. I do not have a belly, nor a sperm donor, nor even a partner that I'm talking to about anything yet. But I keep telling myself that my time will come, and for this week, I may hold off. Yet again, if the time feels right, I will bring it up. Because I deserve to know. I've held up my end of the bargain, and it's time I know.

Do I want to know?

Flash Forward

I’m exhausted. My partner is exhausted. We’re both just drained, and all from one conversation. 

After the appointment at Repro Psych, I admit I totally shut down and wasn’t really communicating all that well. I took my partner’s earlier request that “baby talk” didn’t take over our lives to heart and instead, said nothing. Plus, it was my birthday and I didn’t want to think about pregnancy, medication, surrogacy, adoption, or childlessness. But in the back of my mind, it never went away. It never does.

My partner… let’s call her “D” for simplicities sake… wanted answers. Is being pregnant and carrying my own child more important that parenting a child? I threw around an answer in my head, but never verbalized it until last night.
I see pregnancy and actually “obtaining” a child as two very separate things (obtaining is such a horrible word, but I guess “having” a child may suggest actually birthing one). My hormones are crazy; the intensity of these urges that seem to jump out of my empty womb are ridiculously hard to ignore. Biology is of course part of that… D has never in her life had an urge anywhere close to that, and I don’t expect her to understand. I just wish she could sometimes.
I want contact with my unborn child. I want it to be completely dependent on me. I want to make an attachment with something that is growing inside of me. I want to hold out the baby when it is born and say “look what I made.”
 
When surrogacy was brought up as an option, at first I thought it would be my second choice (if we had the money). But now that I’ve been thinking of it – it’s not the genetics. I don’t actually care – at this moment at least – about whether I’m genetically linked to my child. I don’t want someone else to grow my child inside of them. I fear if we go that route, my need (and I really do think of it as a NEED) to carry a baby will not be fulfilled. 

Maybe it will be option #3.

And then there is adoption. If we were to adopt, I would want a newborn. D told me that she is sad that we don’t agree on adoption. She would be happy to raise an older child – give a child a chance after adversities that he or she has had to face, and welcome them into a healthy, happy home. I would love to say that I’m that woman who could and would do that. But I’m not.
This isn’t altruistic, this is selfish. 

And all I can think about is how shitty it is that I can’t get all I’ve ever wanted, because a) I’m a lesbian, b) I’m crazy, c) I have chronic pain issues, and d) D and I can’t agree on what our lives are going to look like.

She ended the conversation with “Maybe I don’t even want a kid.” I looked at the floor, I imagined us in our 50s and 60s without child, and I realized that that life may be exactly the life we’re heading for…