Thursday, June 24, 2010

Please Hold...

We had a fight. Like a really really bad one. Not a fight, a cathartic shift in our relationship. We are taking things day by day, and things are actually really scary. I never doubted in a million years that our marriage would be in jeopardy, and here I am, sitting at home (which I moved out of for a week), getting ready to leave again for 4 days, so that we can both work on our respective selves.

I screwed up, and I am facing the consequences, but so is she. I can't stand to see her this hurt. I can't stand to know that it's my fault. We both have hope that we can work through this, but in the cyclical nature of anger, hurt, pain, love, fear, and trust... we keep going around and around in circles.

I asked her if she still wanted a baby. She basically said, "give me a while". Baby is last thing on her mind, she has a relationship to work on first. And I'm fighting for her, to stay, to want me, to want a family.

As a result of my actions, my dream of pregnancy has been put on hold. Forever? I hope not. But perhaps... it's not like time isn't ticking. Please hold...

Pain. I am so, so sorry.