Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Pregnant Lesbian? But How?

I've noticed something kind of strange lately. Not one, not two but three times this week, from people who a) don't know me very well but b) aren't idiots and c) don't know I'm starting the TTC process have asked me whether Devon and I will ever adopt kids.

Like it's the only option out there for lesbians.

These are educated people - including my HR Manager (who I didn't say a word to about kids because I don't trust her as far as I can throw her... and I wouldn't be able to throw her very hard). I honestly don't know if it's just that it's easier for people to ask about adoption than it is to ask about spermy boy stuff.

But wouldn't "Are you and Devon planning on having kids / starting a family / becoming moms" suffice? Or anything along those lines? Or am I missing something? (which is entirely possible).

One of the conversations was with a coworker that I have been interested in building a relationship with just because we tend to be in the same place quite a bit, but her questions about adoption just made me want to shut down talking with her about anything babyish - or anything personal, for that matter. And I didn't even know how to answer.

I don't want to adopt. Not at this point anyway. But for at least one of the conversations, I felt like I wanted to communicate that I wanted a family, but didn't want to get into the whole donor thing or who would carry or anything else specific. It's not like I would start asking straight people about such personal questions.

But is this something that I should expect to have to do? Do people see girl+girl+bump and start asking questions about the "father"? (a term I dislike for a donor) Do people ask you whether you slept with a man or whether you relied on science? Do people ask you how much money you spent on getting pregnant?

I'm kind of at a loss... I know it's not really any of their business, but I don't want to completely shut down the conversation if it does come up. 

What kinds of questions have you had, and how did you deal with acquaintances that ask these types of questions?


  1. Can't help on this one. It will be interesting to see what people think.

  2. I think people are naturally curious, and their natural curiosity almost always makes them come off as total assholes in this regard. I can't tell you how many guys have asked if I was just going to sleep with my brother in law to get knocked up. If they ask and you want to tell them, I think it's fair to say that you're thinking about starting a family, and looking at all of your options at this point. That's vague but not too vague, you know?

  3. We haven't had anyone ask us about adoption, but when we've told people about our son or the pregnancy, many have assumed we had to do IVF. Which is so strange because haven't they ever heard of the 'turkey baster' method? We have no qualms giving them medical lessons at that point ;)

  4. I got it all the time. In fact any time I said we were going to start a family people assumed it was adoption. I think only one time was I asked if we wanted to have a family with no assumptions.

  5. Now that S is pregnant, any time we tell people the news who didn't know we were going to try, almost always ask if we did IVF. It's weird to me that they would jump to that. But I think it's because alot of people don't really understand what IVF is, or any of the other options out there. I just tell people, but it's easier now that S is pregnant to do that. We didn't get many questions before hand, which is totally different.

  6. People OFTEN asked if Jen and I planned on having children and how we would go about it. We were both really open and didn't mind the questions. I think most people are just curious. Now that we've had #1 we're getting lots of questions about #2!

  7. I always get the IVF question. My response is "Oh gosh I hope not!". Of course there is nothing wrong with IVF, it's just my passive aggressive way of saying "There are other ways dumb***". The question asker usually gets red in the face and says something like "Oh, of course, how silly of me...". I like to educate people on the process :)

  8. people are just so ignorant of the process, they dont know what to say. it depends on my audience how much i feel like sharing. close friends know everything; coworkers get a sanitized version.

    i try to approach the interactions as an opportunity to educate and validate our family (but it can be HARD sometimes!)

  9. I get asked the simple "Are you two having kids?" ALL THE TIME.

    Then when I reply in the affirmative, folks sometimes ask if we're thinking adoption or pregnancy... And if I say anything about pregnancy, they immediately ask which one of us will carry, to which I say simply "ME" and change the subject (because I'm tired of arguments over donor sperm with well-intentioned yet ignorant people).

    The most interesting thing here is that my partner, who is a genderqueer-butch sort of a character, is NEVER ASKED ABOUT BABYMAKING. True, she's not prepared to carry a pregnancy whereas I'm pretty stoked about it... But she's just as involved and excited about having kids as I am! Yet people see her masculinity and seem to assume that she's not interested in parenting. So, whereas I'd sometimes prefer a lot less of these intrusive questions, it'd be kinda nice if she got more of them.

  10. Personally, I am discussing donation with some friends. One has a child but the other makes is/and makes a great mother figure in the family.