Saturday, October 29, 2011

So, no... maybe

My HCG level was 0, and though I didn't get a chance to speak with the RE, the nurse said it didn't look like a miscarriage. But she didn't know what it was, either. I'm trying to get in on a cancellation with the RE early next week, but there's no promise. I just want to know.

I asked the nurse if this could just be my period, and she said my LH levels are a bit high for that, but that anything is possible. I've officially stopped bleeding (yay), but it was a good 4 days worth. 

I'm still so confused, and I'm not sure whether getting to see my RE will clarify anything. He wasn't sure what it was, if it wasn't an early pregnancy loss.

So, I guess I wait. For what, I don't know. Not knowing whether this is my period or not, I have no idea where I am in my cycle, or when we'll have a chance for another IUI. It's the not knowing that I don't like. I've never been good with no answers.

Thursday, October 27, 2011


So, I may have been pregnant and I may have miscarried (and/or still in the process of miscarrying).

My blood tests came back negative for what they thought the bleeding was (low progesterone) and the RE called today and said that it's looking like an early pregnancy loss...

I got my period on October 12th, twelve days after our IUI. He said that that would in fact have been my period, and that somehow I managed to hold on to the pregnancy through that, and I'm just losing it now. At 6 weeks.

More tests done today, and I'll know for sure tomorrow. I'm more confused than upset. I've heard of women getting their periods throughout their pregnancies, but it just never crossed my mind as a possibility for me. So, when I got my period, I figured that was done and we'd focus on next month. And I had a few glasses of wine and didn't really look after myself that well when I was away. Had I known I was pregnant, it would have been quite a different vacation. I guess it's a good lesson to continue to take care of yourself, no matter what.

I'm just so confused... wouldn't my OPKs have been positive if I was pregnant? I never got the opportunity to take a HPT, considering I was menstruating.

And I'm still bleeding. Lighter today, but still enough to change my pad twice already.

Oy. I think I'm in a bit of shock.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Red Herring

I'm so confused. [just a warning that some of this is icky fluids stuff, so may be TMI for some people].

So, I was all good and ready to come home from Texas and start this third IUI, which was probably going to be this week. I started OPKs on Saturday in Texas and was happy that there were no positives when I was traveling, so was happy I hadn't missed it. We got back Sunday night - negative. I tested yesterday morning (CD13) and it was negative. Considering my first IUI was on day 13, I decided to test again that evening, just to be sure. When I went to the washroom to test, I looked down at an underwear full of blood. 

It looked like period blood. A lot of it. I often get periods that come out of nowhere, so it wasn't really that surprising... except for the fact that I had just finished my last period 6 days prior.

I called the clinic first thing in the morning and asked for an appointment with my new RE. There was a cancellation today but if I couldn't make it today, I couldn't see him til the end of November. I went today.

Firstly, the doc is great. An old Englishman, who is really straight up, honest and nice. He has a resident tagging along who is 8 months pregnant. Kind of cool to see in that environment, but I'm sure a lot of patients might have a hard time with it.

RE thinks it's pre-ovulatory bleeding, though says that the blood should be lighter than it is (in both colour and weight). This is a natural cycle, so it's come out of nowhere and I've never had anything like this before. Well, actually about 4 years ago, I bled for 28 days straight, but other than that, my cycles have been crazy normal. The timing just seems a little weird.

Most of what I can find on Dr. Google is very light spotting during pre-ovulation. This is definitely not light and I'm hemorrhaging a bit too. No pain so far, and no other symptoms of anything else being "wrong," but I guess I've just never heard of this, so I'm kind of freaking out a bit.

I managed to get to a lab and had a blood test this afternoon and the results should be in by Friday at the latest. From what I understand, they will be able to tell by my estrogen levels. If this is a one-off thing, no need to worry, but if it happens again, it's not so good.

So, this cycle is out. No IUI, which sucks, but I'd obviously like to feel healthy and good going into it.

Through some talking today with the RE, I now have a prescription for Clomid, which we have decided to add next cycle to up our chances. After reading a lot of your comments, it feels right.

I'm trying to shift my attention to next month and welcome the "break" as much as I can. It's just funny that when I'm finally at a place where I need good, normal cycles, weird things happen. I'd also like to stop bleeding anytime soon too...

Anyone else experienced something similar?

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Cry Me A (Red) River

Well, AF came today in full force... like FULL force... like the kind when you know She's there simply because you're sitting in a puddle. Usually I have some warning, but it seems like it was an extra slap in the face.

I guess I'm eager to put this month behind me and focus on next month, considering my frame of mind for the first part of my 2WW. It's still really tough and I think this let-down is actually harder than my first. (*of course* you won't be that person who gets pregnant on the first try... but it'll work the second time).

While I was quite negative at the beginning of the 2WW, your comments on my post really did help me focus on the positive, the "what ifs" and the possibility that this could be it. These 2WWs are quite excruciating. Now I know.

What I'm not fond of is how short the luteal phase is after a trigger shot (although it does make the 2WW more like a 1.5WW, which I guess is okay. Plus, less money spent on HPTs). It feels like I'm fucking with my cycle way too much though and the process is less intuitive, but I guess there is not much room for intuition and creativity when it comes to timing a conception.

I would love to hear from people who have used a hCG shot for IUIs specifically, who can ovulate on their own... do you think it's worth it?

One nurse told us not to add Clomid because I'm young and reproductively healthy, and that if anything, we should do back-to-back IUIs on our fourth month, if we haven't conceived already. Another nurse told us to add Clomid before our third try. A resident told us to do nothing - just to keep at it. I don't even have an RE anymore really, and won't be able to get in to see our new one (whoever that is) before our next try, because I'm away next week. When did others add "help"?

I'm bummed, and for a few specific reasons:
  • We only have one sample left from this donor, who is now unavailable (sold out), and I really want to get pregnant with this donor.
  • I'm potentially going to be in Texas when I next ovulate, or have to go in for an IUI the day I get back, which will be impossible as I am organizing a massive conference for that day at work. I haven't found a good way to balance work and family yet.
  • I don't want to be 9 months pregnant in the heat of August. (Now that's just selfish and not really worth complaining about).
Ah well. What can you do, right?

Friday, October 7, 2011

Disassociation Rocks

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your comments from my last post. Thank you, thank you. Reading them honestly made me change my mindset, and now I'm feeling a lot more confident. 

I have absolutely no early pregnancy symptoms. I don't feel different in any way. And I'm not worrying about it. In fact, I keep forgetting that I'm in the 2WW, which is awesome, actually. I've been busy with work, busy at home, and the fact that I'm either pregnant or not is at the very back of my head. I forgot the other day and almost opened a beer to drink - I'm taking that as good news (thankfully I remembered before I took a sip).

So, I have no idea what will happen. I'm actually thankful that I have no symptoms, because I can't read into them. I'm still not thrilled at how this month has gone... but what can I do, right? 

Another 6 days until we'll test. Now, just trying to figure out how to navigate the wine glass that will be handed to me on Thanksgiving on Sunday.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Can't Shake This Feeling

I don't know how to get over what I'm feeling and I need to, else this is going to break me down.

Nothing felt right about this month's insem. Though I really want to feel positive, I haven't been able to get in that mindset yet. Last month, I was living the "pregnant until proven otherwise" theory, which worked for me. After Saturday's IUI, I can't help but shake this yucky feeling. The timing felt wrong. None of my other fertility signs pointed to "yes". CM has been sticky for a week, BBT shows no dips or peaks, OPKs were negative before I took the trigger shot. I overheard the senior doctor in the clinic tell my doc (as they were looking over my chart) that the trigger "won't make a difference anyway". The IUI hurt and I was too focused on the pain to even think about what was happening.
But I can't be like this for another two weeks. It's going to kill me. Devon told me to talk to her about how I'm feeling, just to get it out of my body, but I don't want to be a Debby Downer, especially when she's working so hard to stay positive.

I know I have to really believe there is a chance I'm pregnant, but I'm having a tough time. How do I kick this feeling so that I can stay sane for this 2WW? Any experiences to share?

Saturday, October 1, 2011

IUI #2

Trigger shot yesterday, going in for IUI #2 in one hour! Very excited and feeling good (and sticky). Not looking forward to another 2WW, but hopefully it will pay off!