Thursday, September 29, 2011

And Without Drugs To Boot!

So, I went in for another ultrasound this morning and I will not be ready for the IUI for another few days.

I was looking at and speaking to the doctor when the nurse starting saying "Ooooh, Lex!!!" and pointed at the ultrasound screen.

Looks like TWO eggs are maturing quite nicely... and the nurse started talking about how it will be such a blessing if we had twins. Doctor kept saying, "This is a natural cycle, right? Wow..."

I think I mumbled "Dear God" under my breath, but then I started beaming.

Twins or not, I suppose this will up our chances this month for at least one baby!

Anyone else have two mature follicles going into an IUI? With or without Clomid. Anyone got a stat for me? ;)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Second Verse, Same as the First

Tomorrow is CD15 and I'm not ready to ovulate at all. Last month, we inseminated on CD13. Yesterday, I had an ultrasound and follicle size was still quite small (15). I have another ultrasound tomorrow morning, but it looks as though insem day will be Friday or Saturday.

I'm *really* hoping for Friday, because here's why: My brother and his wife are going out of town for a wedding and leaving their four children (ages 7, 6, 4, and 17 months) with Devon and me for about 36 hours from Saturday to Sunday. If our insem is on Saturday, we may not have anywhere to "put" the kids for an hour or so, and if we can't find anyone to help, there is a possibility of having to bring them to the clinic and leave the older three in the waiting room and take the baby in the room with us. I can just imagine the looks we'd get... "what the HELL are those two ladies trying to create a FIFTH child??!"

Anyway, for some reason this later ovulation is making me a bit nervous. I don't know what it means, and if my luteal phase really is the same month-to-month, then I will try not to worry about it. I just want there to be enough time for this baby to stick and I really want this to be a healthy cycle.

I'm excited for IUI #2. I just want it to be now. I want this month to work really badly, for several reasons (besides the obvious). We have two tries left with our donor and he is currently sold out of units and I really really want to get pregnant by this donor - he's just a fantastic match for our family. Secondly, my RE has basically left for his new clinic, and though we got the go-ahead to switch to another doctor, I kind of don't want to have to go through that.

So, I stay positive and try to be patient. Because that's really all I can do, right?

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Mat Leave Drama

Some people have said that the wait to ovulate feels so much longer than the 2WW, but I have to disagree. We're already just a few days away from trying again. That makes me happy.

It's been an interesting week though... 

A bit of history: I was hired to cover a maternity leave and was asked to stay on when my colleague (let's call her Tee) returned. Tee's been back for less than two months, and she called me into her office on Thursday to tell me that she's four months pregnant. She's leaving for another year in March. I was actually thrilled for her and think it's awesome - she really wanted two within two years of each other, so I'm glad it worked out for her. 

Here's the thing. Our director (let's call her Kay) is a frikkin' insecure stress case and she's tanking even with both my colleague and I working for her (team of two became team of three). When Tee told Kay she was pregnant, it was a very professional response, but it was obvious Kay was shattered by the news. In the past, Kay has been vocal with me about how tough it was training me to do the scope of work that Tee had a lot more experience with. My inexperience has been blamed for numerous things, including the fact that Kay couldn't get the damn annual report out last year, because she was too busy "training" me (I got no said "training," so that's bullshit, but that's how she rolls). 

You many remember that one of the reasons Kay wanted to keep me on was precisely in case Tee took another mat leave (and apparently I was quite angry when I wrote this post about it). In her mind, I don't think mat leave is even a possibility for me.

I've always been terrified of telling Kay I'm pregnant. Out of all the obstacles of this whole conception journey, that has haunted me daily. I know family comes first, but I'm a Pisces and I take on the weight of the world and apparently I feel as though I can't possibly shatter Kay any more than she is by Tee's news. I know it sounds silly. It's life - lots of people go on mat leave - but I honestly don't know how I'm going to tell her when the time comes. She's going to shit herself.

After Tee told me, I had to tell her that I was trying. Of anyone, she'll know the stress of telling Kay. She was thrilled for me and very respectful with her questions. I told her my fears about Kay's mental health around this, and she understood. I just kept saying, "I hope I'm pregnant soon so that I can tell Kay before she hires for your position... and perhaps she'll hire someone with a higher skill set to deal with the potential double void."

Why do I care so much? It's work. Yes, we're in the healthcare industry (kind of) but it's not like we're saving lives. Kay is an insecure crazy lady who is under-qualified for her position anyway, but I feel as though this will bury Kay alive and my conscience is not doing so well with this one.

Totally a bridge to cross over when we get to it, but when Tee told me her news, I was thrilled and then my heart just dropped, realizing that this is not going to be easy. I really, really hope that I get pregnant this week, so that I'll only be at work for an extra 4 months after Tee leaves, and then if Kay goes under, we'll both be far out of reach.

Tee told me that, when the time comes, I need to present my pregnancy to Kay as really good news. Which I agree with, and have to get over the fact that it's not my responsibility that the timing kind of sucks for our team. It WILL be good news. And who knows, by the time I'm pregnant, maybe I'll have gotten over this.

[Quick non-related question: For those of you who have taken Ovidrel (trigger shot), has it affected your actual menstruation? I have been a 5-day bleeder my whole life, but this month my period lasted for three days. Two of which were very light. I'm not sure whether this is something to worry about, but I thought I'd ask in case it's a red flag for anything.]

Friday, September 16, 2011

No One Hit Wonder Here

We decided to POAS on Wednesday evening if AF hadn't come by then. It was 12dpo and though it was early, we knew to take the results with a grain of salt. We also knew that because of the trigger shot, we had a high chance of having a false positive. We were ready for that.

I don't know if I was ready for a big stark white empty space, but that's what stared back at us. I'd been pretty psyched because the nurse said I'd probably get my period Sunday-Tuesday because of the shot and I hadn't yet. Dev asked if she could look at the test first, which I actually appreciated.

We were both a little sad at the result, but knew there was no finality to it. When Devon suggested we test the next day, I said I'd rather wait until Friday, when we're supposed to test.

No less than one hour later, I went pee and AF had arrived. And I don't know if it's just the emotions or what, but it seems to be an extra painful, heavy period. Adding insult to injury.

At least we know, right? But it was tough. I wanted to those of you who commented and those who noted that the first 2WW is the hardest - it was really good to hear. Part of me was thankful that we actually got a chance to do an HPT because I feel like that's an integral part of this experience. I don't think I'm as crushed as I thought I would be, and I think that's partly attributed to reading the blogs that I read and recognizing that this process is rarely short and sweet for people. But I'm still incredibly sad and Devon is too, but we will pick up and focus on next month. We have to.

What I didn't expect is how annoyingly persistent friends are in asking about the status of the pregnancy. That's one of the reasons this blog is so great, because most readers understand - and I have no problem whatsoever updating people on this medium. After yesterday, I wish I hadn't told a soul (outside of here) that we'd had our IUI. It's hard enough mourning the loss as a couple, but having to tell other people, who are pushy and ask flat out if I'm pregnant, is painful. My sister-in-law asked yesterday when I was over at her house and I lied and said "I don't know yet". She told me to take a damn test already and call her right away. I am realizing that although I appreciated the energy sent to me on the day of the IUI, I can't be answering the pregnancy question month after month. I know everyone's intentions are fantastic... I guess I'd just hoped for some privacy. I had no idea how hard it is, and I haven't even told anyone yet. I'm dreading it. I've learned my lesson, and will not be so open with the specific dates going forward.

My best friend has texted me every day this week asking for news.

And guess what I get to do tonight? Go to a dinner party at said best friend's house and listen to her announce to our group of friends that she's pregnant.

The only good part about this BFN is that I can drink to get through this evening. Plus, then people will figure it out on their own and I won't have to tell them.

Thank you for all of your support. As always, you rock.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Week 2 of this 2WW

So we're into week two. If I don't get the bad news naturally, the earliest we'll know for sure is Friday. The nurse said that with the trigger shot, my period might come in 10-12 days. I'm at the end of day 11 with no AF, so I'm hoping we'll be okay.

I've over-analyzed everything this week. I've believed I'm pregnant and then I believe I'm not. I've wanted to stay positive, but it's fucking exhausting. There was a palpable change last week around Thursday. I had felt "differently" since my IUI for a full week and then suddenly, "that feeling" went away completely. And I can't even describe "that feeling" except to say that I felt different. And then on Thursday, and since, I haven't felt much.

My boobs hurt and now, not so much. Cramping is completely gone, which was pretty consistent. Of course, I'm trying to get "that feeling" back and I'm having trouble. Last night I was on the toilet with a really upset stomach and was cursing myself for pigging out on fish & chips and then realized, "hey, this may not be the fish!!!" 

Devon has stayed solidly positive this entire time, which I love, but I've felt so guilty for not being able to stay in that mindset myself. She keeps asking me if anything is wrong and I tell her no, because I don't want her to know I'm doubting anything. It's not good; it's like I'm hiding something. So, I finally told her today what was going on, and she was fantastic. She just said, "you feel what you feel and I'll be positive for the both of us". Did I mention I love her?
At this point, I almost don't care, I just want to know. And I hate that that's truth. If my first 2WW is this excruciating, I hope to dear god that there aren't too many more of them.

I can still hope and still get excited when I suddenly got an intense craving for sour cream & onion chips, when I don't even really like them to begin with. When I almost puked last week, I was so incredibly happy. So, I'll try to hold onto that happiness and trust that it'll get me through.

How do you not get so incredibly scared about seeing red every time you pull down your underwear to pee?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Week 1 of this 2WW (barely)

Who am I kidding? It's been a whopping 4 days, hardly halfway through a week, and I finally understand why the 2WW is excruciatingly difficult.

I had Thursday/Friday booked off work for vacation months ago, and though I wish now that I had actually had vacation days, I was really happy that I could do all of this stuff without worrying about getting back to my desk. I tested positive on the OPK Thursday morning and was due to go in for an ultrasound that morning anyhow, so it was good timing. Eggs were a good size, and uterine lining was thick, but they still wanted me to have a trigger shot to have a bit more control over the timing.

Long story kind-of short: On Thursday, I took the prescription for Ovidrel and put it in my back pocket and walked to the pharmacy 5 blocks away from the clinic. I got to the prescription counter and realized that the prescription was gone. I traced my steps up the street, picking up every white piece of trash looking for it. Called Devon all "No-I'm-okay, really... don't-worry-I'll-be-fine". Exactly halfway between the clinic and the pharmacy, the prescription was lying in a ditch on the road. Picked it up, gave it to the pharmacist, went to get my wallet from my purse and it wasn't there. Walk back to the car, finally found my wallet waaaay underneath the driver's seat. Went back to pharmacy, paid for meds, walked back to clinic and Devon was there waiting for me. She'd left work after hearing how scattered I was. Thank god.

On the morning of the IUI (Friday), I went for my first acupuncture treatment, which was really nice because the doctor left me alone for about 20 minutes with the needles in, so it allowed me to calm the fuck down, which I really really needed.

The IUI went well, I guess. Devon and I managed to make it "our" moment, which was actually my main concern. It's funny how superstitious one becomes. I picked out smiley face underwear to match the smiley face on the OPK. I wore a rose quartz around my neck that Devon got years ago and brought out for the occasion. We bought a really cute onesie the night before and brought it to the treatment (left it in the bag, but had it near). We had a joke that because the donor plays bass, we had to have a bass-heavy song for right afterwards. Turned out we used the Black-Eyed Peas song Boom Boom Pow (we're calling the potential fetus Boom Boom). 

I don't know why we did those things. We just felt better doing them, like it was an important occasion, which it was. I know it's all about biology and timing and has little to do with songs or semi-precious stones or underwear, but we both felt that we should do something. As silly as it sounds, it just made sense to us.

The IUI was uncomfortable, but over fast, though the nurse who did it was a talker, and I so wanted to shut her up, but felt rude. I know she was trying to distract me from the discomfort. Devon and I stayed in the room for about 20 minutes afterwards, and that was pretty special. 

It's interesting: although this is my first IUI, I feel as though I've been on this journey for a long time already. We decided to go ahead with trying for a child at the end of 2008. I've been weaning off several medications for over two years to ready my body for a baby. We've been to many many medical appointments with many many specialists that were mental health/reproductive health-related. It's been a long ride already, and I feel blessed that it is finally at a tangible level where something can actually happen. It may be another long road, but I'm thrilled that we've made it to this stage of the journey. I hope this stage is a quick one though.

I've been cramping since the IUI - kind of like period cramps. I'm not sure what that means. I'm remaining very optimistic - I have to. Except for a wee bit today: I had a minor panic moment today at work when I misplaced a very important file where the pit of my stomach just dropped and before I could get a hold of myself, started thinking that I was killing my fetus in that moment with the stress levels... gotta work on that. Yes, I know embryos/fetuses can withstand a lot, but if there is something in there, it probably hasn't even had a chance to figure out where it's going to burrow. Of course, the cramping went away for a few hours, and now it's back, which I'm taking as a good sign.

So yeah, excited and really wanting the 2 weeks to hurry up. Nurse says I may get my period 5 days early because of the shot, so if it's negative, I'll know early next week. Let's hope that's not the case.

Thank you so much for all of your support during this stage - it's wonderful!

Friday, September 2, 2011

First IUI this morning!

And that is all...

So excited. Feeling good. Egg is a good size. Trigger shot yesterday. It's go time!