I finally told D - who I can now introduce as Devon! - about this blog. As I told Devon, this was never meant to be a secret, just a channel to get all my baby-making thoughts out there without pressuring her. The last thing I wanted for my wife, especially when we were on a baby-talking hiatus, was for her to start up a computer every day and read about how her partner really really really wanted a baby. I didn't think that was fair. Nor was keeping it a secret though, so I can imagine it wasn't easy to hear about - and will probably be hard to read - but she was really supportive, in her usual really supportive way, and I'm just thrilled that she can now be a part of all this.
She left to go away on business the morning after we spoke, but I'm looking forward to showing her the blog and what amazing people there are out in this tight little community of bloggers. It didn't feel nice keeping this from her - as noble as (I thought) my intentions were - so I feel a lot lighter and less like I'm hiding something. Ideally, I would love this to be a collaborative space, though for now, there will be no "us" in crazy. Besides, she's completely sane. So.... please welcome Devon to this little world here. She's awesome. You'll like her. I promise.
And no, we have not made any decisions about having babies yet. And that's okay for the immediate time being.
Waaaaay back on Monday, I was saying that I needed to be busier and that I was looking forward to going back to work for some structure after two weeks off. I suppose I put it out to the Universe a little too strongly, as the first four days back at work has been absolutely crazy. Medium ground? Never with me....
After one botched attempt, I am trying to lower my anti-anxieties again, and started on a lower dose last night. In the past, there has been trouble falling asleep, which sucks, but as I'm learning, what sucks more is waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall back asleep. I went to bed really late last night and was up god-know-when in the morning (I try not to look at the clock because that stresses me out more).
What I do remember was one of my dreams as I was waking up in the middle of the night. The meaning of my dreams is rarely subtle, which is probably a combination of my over-active mind and my anti-depressants (head meds usually make dreams extremely vivid). I was running around and around in circles, in some third-world country, with this huge bonnet on my head that reminded me of the outdated school uniforms from Brisbane, Australia. There was no sound in the dream, just running, running, running. From what? The millions of bees in my bonnet. Yes, as I said, I never have to dig too deep to understand my subconscious.
But for you, I'll spell it out:
bee in one's bonnet
- a single idea or a thought that remains in one's mind; an obsession.
"A metaphor comparing the incessant cerebral buzzing of a personal obsession with that of an alarming or too-close-for-comfort bee in one’s headgear."
(No children were harmed in the posting of this blog - just a cute little random baby picture from the world wide web: here)