Monday, May 24, 2010

Happy Mommy, Happy Baby...

I haven't blogged in a long time, partly because of being busy, but mostly because I've been privately mourning the loss of something that does not exist.

I let my faith waiver, and after my appointment with reproductive psych - regardless of the fact that it was "information gathering" - I came to the almost 100% conclusion that I would never carry a child. And what does my profile say? Crazy lesbian mom. I'd be the crazy. I'd even be the lesbian. But a mom? No...

And I *was* opening up to adoption, so yeah, I would be the mom, just not the way I've envisioned it for years. In fact, I still think that adoption would be a viable and perhaps even easier way to go when it comes to D and I having a family.

Okay, I'm just going to jump right into it: I got the "okay" to carry a baby - healthily and (let's hope) happily. D and I had gone to repro psych, and done our own research on medications, depression and pregnancy. I think both of us didn't get our hopes up, because I promised D that I wouldn't carry if the risks outweighed the benefits (if it were up to me, I'd put myself at risk, but I really don't want D to have to care for a baby and a depressed mother... 2 babies).

So we finally went to my shrink, who has been my shrink for over a decade, and gathered some information from him. He basically looked at us and said "go make a baby" ... Yes, there are more risks, but they are not astronomical. I can stay on some medications and the baby will be okay. I will be okay. 

We both looked at him like he was just playing with us, and he said something which I sometimes forget: "You were really really sick, but that was years ago... you are a completely different woman, have an incredible support system, and are capable of so much" (I'm paraphrasing, but you catch my drift).

It was in the past, and though I struggle now with little dips, it is not these vast valleys of blackness that I used to drown in. I am healthy - not as healthy as a lot of people - but in the grand scheme of things, I am healthy.

He made a parallel to a pregnant woman taking medication for diabetes. Yeah, it's healthier not to be taking medication when you're pregnant, but people have to. His main message: "Happy Mommy, Happy Baby..." If I can stay on some medication that keeps me sane, and if my fetus isn't at some huge risk of anything life-threatening or disabling, I have faith that we can all do this - D, me and baby-to-be.

Average women who have average pregnancies can have babies with a lot of health problems. And not to say it wouldn't be awful to have a disabled baby, but we'd deal with it when we would have to deal with it. It makes me a bit nervous that yes - there are a few risks, but for instance, one of the biggest one (as a result of one anti-depressant) is a cleft palate, which is normally a .8% chance in babies, and would now be a 1% chance. 

Am I willing to take that 1% chance? Hellz yeah!

I couldn't believe it. I left the office and it still hasn't really sunk in yet. We can do this. I can have my dream. I can be pregnant - I CAN BE PREGNANT! Still in shock... good shock... And what's even better is D's reaction. I expected her to still be a little hesitant, but she's ecstatic too - and that means more than the world to me. I asked her "what next?" and she said, "look up fertility clinics!"

I know it's one doctor. But he's one of the best doctors in Canada. Seriously... I totally trust him, and he has complete faith that this will actually be in my best interest - he said that I may even feel a peace when I'm pregnant that I've never felt before - that some of the hormones may actually be extremely good for me. And as for post-partum, my chances are a hell of a lot lower than I expected. And, if I happen to fall into a depression: a) I know when I'm depressed, and after many years, know when I need to get help, and b) As I said, I have the best doctor in Canada, and he will be there, with a plan, when I need him. 

D is contacting some lesbian friends of ours who have had one child through IVF or artificial insemination (not sure) and their second through a surrogate. Other friends (another lesbian couple) will be having their little girl in mere days - and they did AI. We have many straight friends that have used clinics in our city, and I've been doing some research on those. Oddly enough, there actually aren't as many as I would've thought. But I guess it only takes one...

I am so freakin' excited. I want to do it NOW. But first, I have to deal with my chronic pain. I have a surgery assessment soon and will hopefully have some answers within the next few months. Once that is clear out of the way, we are going to barrel straight ahead.

Now... just one question: Who the hell's sperm are we going to use???

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Babies and Boys

I've become an aunt for the fifth time this week. I'm incredibly blessed, and love my nieces and nephews more than I ever thought possible.

Everyone is healthy and happy, and just thrilled with the new life - in all of my siblings' households... and though I feel lucky to have what I have, I don't have a baby for myself. Yet. And I don't even know when the last time D and I had a real conversation about it. We have a doctor's appointment this month, which is "the one" that makes or breaks our (my?) fate, which I've already rescheduled once and am looking forward to it in the most hesitant way possible.

The year is almost half up, and I feel as though it's just rushed by. And we haven't done much at all in our journey to parenthood. And we're only getting older. And it's scary. I've watched a niece and nephew born this year, and my siblings couldn't be happier, and I am jealous, a little guarded, and feeling like this is going far too slowly for my liking.

My best gay boy friends just moved away out of the city, and D and I (and the 4 of us) have joked about them being a donor - and we mean them... like have them jack-off into the same cup, swirl it around and pump it up inside, and then figure out who the father is when the kid ends up looking like whichever one of him.

It's become a running joke, but just before they left, I reminded one of them about it (we'd talked about it years ago), and he actually got a little sad that I freaked out and said "just kidding;" he said that he would be honoured. Seriously. And I almost took him in the back room to do it "old school". Am I that desperate? Perhaps...

But I wait - we wait - and find out what will be the best option for us. Do we get on an adoption registry before we figure it out? Before I deal with my issues around adoption? Before I give up my hope of carrying my own child?

As for donors, it would be nice and cheap to have best friends to do it, though there are so many layers to that. That said, there are layers to all pieces of this puzzle... and it's beginning to feel as though these pieces aren't fitting together right.

Perhaps it's a bit of unhappiness in other areas that is seeping through (work, money). Perhaps it's jealousy that I see all of my siblings with nice robust families. Perhaps it's because I'm losing my favourite fags to their more interesting life. Perhaps it's just the time of year. Spring... everything is growing new life. Even the orchid that I almost threw out over the winter because it hadn't blossomed in months. And now it's got two sprigs; twin growths.

I love looking through the extended families albums at all the smiles and facial expressions of older brothers and sisters seeing their new sibling for the first time - that pure, unobstructed love and... probably a little bit of fear...

Probably very similar to what I'm feeling now.