Damn cat / amazing doc!

I have wanted to write, but haven't been able to. Simply because this happened to my Mac power cord:

We have two kittens (I know, I know... lesbians we are). One of them we call the Golden Boy, because he does absolutely nothing wrong. The other is a little shit, who shits - literally - not where she's supposed to once a day, jumps on tables, chews through wires (see above), and has, as of yesterday evening, realized that she has the ability to jump on the kitchen counter. [Side note: if anyone has any ideas on how to train a very untrainable kitten, please tell!]

I don't really feel comfortable writing from work. I'm in a management position, and the last thing I want showing up is a web history that includes the URL "crazy lesbian mom". I'm out at work, but not *that* out.

So, I have had chronic pain for almost 4 years now, which if you want to get up to speed, you can read about. Long story short: I've seen so many specialists over this time, and nobody has been able to help me.

I ran into an old friend about 2 weeks ago, who asked about my pain. She is a medical researcher and is very sciency, so when she mentioned that she's been seeing a doctor of Chinese Medicine, I was a bit taken aback. And then she stated her case:

She suffered from chronic migraines for over a decade, went to this doctor three times, and has never had a migraine again. Her daughter-in-law couldn't get pregnant for 7 years; she went to this doctor and was pregnant within 2 months. Her granddaughter had chronic urinary tract infections; saw this doc... never again.

So what the hell, right?

I called, she wasn't taking new patients. I was asked whether I wanted to see her colleague, to which I replied no (looked him up - he's just graduated, and though I don't judge a doc necessarily on their experience, it wasn't him that got all the praise). I got on a cancellation list, was told there may be a spot in January. I'm used to getting the medical run-around, so that was no surprise.

What was a surprise was when they called and asked whether I could come in last week. I went, with an open mind and a curiosity that is still running strong. I can honestly say I have absofuckinglutely no idea what she did (there was a lot of tapping, rubbing, push and pulling), and the whole time I was on the table, I was thinking about how this would make a great Mad TV skit. 

I started out with a 10 out of 10 in pain. She also noticed (I have no idea how, considering she hardly touched me) that I had a shoulder injury, and issues with TMJ. So, I won't go into it too much, but what she did is based in NIS, which is Neurological Integration System, which has a basic principal that the brain is responsible for all the pain/symptoms in your body.

Basically, she worked on me for about 15 minutes, pulled back her chair, said I had 5 viruses, a fungal infection, issues with my kidneys, and problems breaking down carbs. Sure, whatever you say... but then I got up from the table. She asked me to check the pain level, and it dropped to a 5/10. I could raise my arm above my head for the first time in 10 years. My jaw - somehow - just stopped clicking and the pain is gone. She worked on me for another half hour.

She told me my eyesight was worse in my right eye than my left (true). She told me that there was an issue with my thyroid (true, which I didn't tell her about). She just kept telling me things about my body that was true, and that no - I didn't write down. The only thing she knew about me going in was that I was a female in my thirties and have had chronic pain in one area for 4 years. 

So here I am a week or so later, and my pain is at about 2 out of 10. I can still lift my arm above my head. I can open my mouth as wide as I want. Overall, I'm feeling a hell of a lot better... more energy, better sleep, digestive system WAY better. I can go grocery shopping, I can stand up long enough to cook - hell, to brush my teeth. I can walk to the train after work. I can take the stairs. I walked through the entire showroom at IKEA this week. Please, please, please make this be the end...

And yes, I talked to her about getting pregnant. She asked whether I was going to use frozen sperm, and I said "probably" (remember, D and I haven't even made a decision about having a kid yet). She told me to come to her when we were trying to conceive. She works with a lot of lesbians (and breeders too) who are doing intrauterine insemination - and other methods, for that matter - and without a hint of anything but a professional confidence, said that she could definitely help me work with the fertility clinics. She's apparently got a good track record.

Hell, if she can take this much pain away after so long, I will go to her for a simple hang-nail!

I go back to see her before Christmas about my chronic pain, and everything else she found, and I really really hope that this is the first step to painlessness... and a step towards being able to carry.

And just because I teased, here is a Mad TV skit for you:

Head, heart, and health

I’ve been to see my GP more than enough times over the past 3 and a half years. I’ve been to rheumatologists. I’ve been to neurologists. I’ve been to orthopedic surgeons. I’ve been to chronic pain clinics. I’ve seen shrinks. I’ve been to chiropractors and physiotherapists. I’ve changed my shoes. I got orthotics. I’ve had blood panels. I’ve had a full-body MRI. I’ve had a nuclear medicine bone scan. I’ve had CT scans. I’ve more than enough X-rays. I’ve had an EEG and numerous brain tests. I had “experimental” surgery this summer.

Nothing has worked.

Three and a half year ago, the dull pain in both of my feet turned into sharp pain that has taken away the possibility of activity in my life. I can’t go grocery shopping without being in constant pain. I can’t stand and wash the dishes without constant pain. I certainly can’t exercise without constant pain. I can hardly get by doing a desk job without constant pain. I am a completely different person than the woman I was when I could just “be” without pain.

But pain has become interweaved with my life now. It’s just there. And nobody knows why. There is nothing physiologically wrong with me (so far). It is not psychosomatic (according to more than two psychiatrists). It is inexplicable major chronic pain that has essentially taken my health away from me.

The sad thing? I do not have any mobility and my physical health is taking a big hit. I can’t do anything I used to be able to do. And yet, even though I am immobile and in constant pain, my physical ailment has nothing on depression. Having gone through both physical and psychological illnesses, mental illness wins in the “what’s worse” category.

I have to get back to work, as my lunch hour (where I’ve been stuck at my desk because the pain is especially bad today) is almost done. Though I will revisit this pain issue and how it has shaped the dream of having a baby… and how my mental health has teamed up with my physical health to make this an especially hard journey…

Flash Forward

I’m exhausted. My partner is exhausted. We’re both just drained, and all from one conversation. 

After the appointment at Repro Psych, I admit I totally shut down and wasn’t really communicating all that well. I took my partner’s earlier request that “baby talk” didn’t take over our lives to heart and instead, said nothing. Plus, it was my birthday and I didn’t want to think about pregnancy, medication, surrogacy, adoption, or childlessness. But in the back of my mind, it never went away. It never does.

My partner… let’s call her “D” for simplicities sake… wanted answers. Is being pregnant and carrying my own child more important that parenting a child? I threw around an answer in my head, but never verbalized it until last night.
I see pregnancy and actually “obtaining” a child as two very separate things (obtaining is such a horrible word, but I guess “having” a child may suggest actually birthing one). My hormones are crazy; the intensity of these urges that seem to jump out of my empty womb are ridiculously hard to ignore. Biology is of course part of that… D has never in her life had an urge anywhere close to that, and I don’t expect her to understand. I just wish she could sometimes.
I want contact with my unborn child. I want it to be completely dependent on me. I want to make an attachment with something that is growing inside of me. I want to hold out the baby when it is born and say “look what I made.”
 
When surrogacy was brought up as an option, at first I thought it would be my second choice (if we had the money). But now that I’ve been thinking of it – it’s not the genetics. I don’t actually care – at this moment at least – about whether I’m genetically linked to my child. I don’t want someone else to grow my child inside of them. I fear if we go that route, my need (and I really do think of it as a NEED) to carry a baby will not be fulfilled. 

Maybe it will be option #3.

And then there is adoption. If we were to adopt, I would want a newborn. D told me that she is sad that we don’t agree on adoption. She would be happy to raise an older child – give a child a chance after adversities that he or she has had to face, and welcome them into a healthy, happy home. I would love to say that I’m that woman who could and would do that. But I’m not.
This isn’t altruistic, this is selfish. 

And all I can think about is how shitty it is that I can’t get all I’ve ever wanted, because a) I’m a lesbian, b) I’m crazy, c) I have chronic pain issues, and d) D and I can’t agree on what our lives are going to look like.

She ended the conversation with “Maybe I don’t even want a kid.” I looked at the floor, I imagined us in our 50s and 60s without child, and I realized that that life may be exactly the life we’re heading for…

Who Makes The First Call?

It’s Saturday and beautiful outside and all we want to do is relax and do nothing inside. We tend to be that way more often than not. I’ve had some physical health issues that have kept me pretty stationary, and we’re waiting on some test results to see what it is. It’s a chronic condition, and I admit I’ve been less proactive than I should be about getting to the bottom of this. Is it wrong that it was only until my partner said that she’d only take the next step to baby-dom once I’d dealt with my pain that it became one of the most important things on my list to do?

The house is a bit of a mess. It kind of always is. We both work really long hours and don’t get home until late, and the last thing we want to do is clean. We’re really good at deciding what it is that we want to do – worse about actually doing it. We talk but don’t act. I’m realizing that in order to a) get/remain healthy (both physically and mentally) and b) actually get pregnant and have a baby, I’m going to have to become someone who is ultra proactive, kind of pushy, and a little big aggressive. This journey is not going to be a walk in the park.

My shrink put in a referral for my partner and me to visit a clinic that deals with reproductive mental health. I think they mostly work with people who are actually pregnant that have developed mental health issues, or that have post-partum, but we’re hoping that they will be able to tell us whether I’ll be able to carry, and if so, what I’ll need to do (medication-wise) to do so healthily.

I really really want to go, but I’m terrified. I am putting off the possibility of hearing the words “it’s not safe enough.” It definitely hasn’t been the first step in this journey (there is a lot that had to/has to happen in my relationship for this baby), but it’s sort of the first “official” step, after the initial awkward conversation with my very conservative and very religious psychiatrist.

Speaking of my shrink – he is awesome at what he does. Like award-winning awesome. And I totally trust that he could have taken this on himself, but I think my partner initially needed a second opinion. If it was completely up to me, I think I’d risk my health to any degree to get pregnant and have a baby, but I know that’s not right. It’s not fair to anyone, especially my partner, who doesn’t want to have to be responsible and care for two infants. I can’t blame her for that.

I’m also terrified that even if we get the medical okay from the shrink experts, the reproductive clinic will turn us away. From what I’ve read, you have to be pretty damn healthy for them to shoot some boys up into you.

Anyway, as I was saying: We are say-ers and not do-ers. Does that change when you have an infant on the way? Do you dust the house to keep the air clean for their little lungs? Do you sweep the floors so that their little hands don’t pick up any lint balls to put in their mouths? Do you tidy everything off the living room coffee table so that they don’t take anything off that might hurt their tiny little selves? Does a baby make you change your bad habits?

Do I wait for the clinic to call me, or do I make the phone call myself?