Thursday, December 29, 2011

Retrospections & Questions

I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever else you celebrated during this holiday season.

Our Christmas lacked the drama that we were expecting, which was fantastic. We spent the day with my family - which included our five nieces and nephews (with one more due in a month). So, it was pretty crazy, but a lot of fun. We've been trying to connect with Devon's brother, but he's a bit of an absent family member, so we've yet to celebrate with him. Hopefully soon.

I'm off work this week, and I'm going on week 4 or 5 of being sick. I just can't shake this cold/sore throat/coughing thing. I'm hoping the few weeks in Mexico (in a few weeks!) will help me kick it.

This week, my job is to go through all of our possessions and purge, purge, purge so that we can get our condo ready to stage for selling. Yesterday, I took five boxes of books to a used book store and charity drop. I did two degrees - one in Creative Writing and one in English Lit - and I finally rid myself of every textbook I've ever bought through my postsecondary education. About three of the boxes were novels, some of which I've held on to for over 15 years.

Aside from the books, I've been going through some personal stuff. My parents sold our family house last year and handed off two boxes of "stuff" from my childhood, which I haven't had the emotional capacity to go through as of yet. I went through them yesterday, and had a really tough time.

I lost about 15 years of memory due to a "medical error" when I had ECT (shock therapy) in my teens and early twenties. Basically, I don't remember age six to twenty one (and how much does one really remember before age six?). I don't really remember people (unless they are still in my life), events, places of residence, well... everything. So when I'm given two boxes that cover that time period, it's like learning about myself all over again. Unfortunately, it's mostly learning about myself in the third person.

So, it's emotionally taxing, but it also helps me learn about who I once was. It's a really weird feeling reading intense letters to and from people I know very little about. It's odd to look at photographs and not be able to place myself in them. This is a feeling that I've only scraped the surface of in my writings (on and mostly off this blog), and one that I know needs a lot more realization. One of these days, I'd like to go into what it means to lose an identity and come out the other side, but for now, I will put it aside, again.

TTC is currently not on my radar, and I realized today I am currently on CD13. I suppose I will use OPKs to figure out which cycle day I ovulate this month, but we will most likely miss this cycle as the clinic does not open again until January 3rd (CD18). It's been kind of nice to be less focused on the baby and taking a break, but I wish it had been our decision instead of a forced break. We leave for Mexico on January 9th and I hope we will not be too late when we return. I'm still trying to decide whether or not to use Clomid during that cycle. There is a small chance (probably only about 10%) we will be away for when the IUI would be scheduled, but we will most likely be in town. It seems a huge waste if I take Clomid and don't end up having the IUI, but I also want to up our chances next month too. Anyone been in a similar predicament before?

Have a wonderful new years everyone... looking forward to catching up with all of you.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Christian Daddies

I completed my few days of feeling resentful towards the universe and now I'm back. Thanks to all for your comments and for sticking around until I un-nailed myself from the martyr cross. I understand that it's a necessary part of this process, but damn, it can be annoying.

We ordered 4 vials of donor #2 yesterday. I'm pretty excited about him. It was a bit tough as I was doing my finances before the purchase, and realized if we don't get pregnant with any of these four samples, I can only afford to do another few rounds. If we have to move to IVF, I don't know if we'll be able to afford it. Trying not to go there for now, and hoping that a new donor will be the trick.

He's quite possibly the best looking donor we've seen in our searches. He's beautiful and amazingly eloquent in his writing. I know it's tough to go on simply words and photos alone, but we don't really have any other choice. I really, really like this dude. He's the same colouring as Devon (and the same as #1). He's a lot more of an extravert and has a stronger personality than #1, but I don't place too much emphasis on personality. I don't actually place that much emphasis on looks either... it was his writing that swayed us. 

I hate to say it, but there was one thing about our first donor that didn't sit well with me. He listed a very well-known evangelical preacher as his hero. I know that shouldn't really matter, but I was trying to fast forward 18 years and picture my kid telling his biological father that his/her parents were lesbians, and it made me shudder. I know that donors must realize that they may father kids of gay parents, but it's one thing knowing that in theory and another meeting the product of such a family.

I don't really like that banks seem to place a lot of emphasis on a donor's religious beliefs. What does that have to do with an offspring, if religion is one thing that you actually CAN choose? It's not heritable. I imagine it gives other Christians in need of a donor some peace that they are involving someone in their family that holds the same beliefs, or that God must condone the purchasing of sperm if it comes from another Christian. This is coming from a girl who was involved in a born-again Baptist cult church for five years, so I actually do understand it, but it's a bit of a turn-off.

Our new donor is listed as a Christian. Now please understand that I know that being Christian doesn't automatically make you a bigot - I have gay friends involved in United or Angelican churches and have been known to attend a service or two myself (and enjoying them). It's the ├╝ber religious that make me uncomfortable. I hope to bring up my kid to be aware of all faiths and encourage them to explore a set of beliefs that feels right to them. I also hope that if my child is 18 and wants to find its father, that religion won't be the thing that keeps them from connecting. Oh well, I have more than 18 years to ponder that.  Do any of you know if donors get counseling about this sort of situation?

Friday, December 16, 2011

It's Another No

This one hit pretty hard. Harder than either of the BFNs before. For numerous reasons, I guess.

We really, really believed we were pregnant this time. I honestly didn't doubt it for one second during the 2WW - even with a few early BFN HPTs. The saying "third time lucky" has to come from somewhere, right? I had definite implantation bleeding on 8dpo (after my last questionable post), I was days late for my period (cruelly, it still hasn't come), I actually got to the point where I had to go in for a real blood test to find out whether I was pregnant, and I think the hardest hit is that the clinic is closed over Christmas, when I would ovulate next, and there is no guarantee that we'll be in town for a January ovulation either. I hate forced breaks - I have no control.

We are out of donor #1 and will move onto #2 next year. This is not necessarily a bad thing - we do really like #2. It's just a tough blow. Another couple of grand will be spent to have the boys shipped to the clinic in time, just in case I ovulate late next month and can squeeze in on January 3rd. That's a good chunk of money to spend right before Christmas, and a vacation. Shitty.

I was hoping so hard for an early Christmas gift, and now it just feels like the holidays are going to feel empty. Barren, one might say.

This is one of those "woe is me" posts, which I apologize for, but sometimes they are necessary.

I hope everyone is having a good pre-holiday season.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A Mid-2WW Check-in

Not a lot to report on the symptoms front. Meaning, there are none. I thought I had a few drops of implantation yesterday (5dpo), but it wasn't clear and it seemed a little bit early. My boobs aren't sore, I'm not cramping, I'm not really feeling anything out of the ordinary... but I keep telling myself that the last time I got pregnant (and didn't know I was), I didn't feel a single thing until I lost it. 

I've remained pretty positive, as has Devon. She is super cute. She was at her office working 'til about 10:30 last night and when she came home, she kissed me in bed - I was half asleep - to let me know that she loves me and the baby. I like that.

I'm fighting off a cold which is knocking the wind out of me, so I'm generally not feeling well. I'm feeling the pressure of getting some work projects done before Christmas and my vacation in January. But I have to say, I love December - and the holidays in general. It's taken a long time for me to feel as though I'm able to celebrate them again. Devon has not been a fan of this time of year since essentially her entire family died, which I understand. It's just tough to not celebrate something that really was so special to me growing up. She's gotten better, now that we spend it with my family, and I imagine it will be completely different when we have a baby to celebrate with (hopefully by next Christmas).

I'm trying to decide when I want to test.  I'm trying to hold out until 13dpo (exactly a week from now), but I don't know if that's feasible. Probably smart though. When did/do YOU test?

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Third Time Lucky?

Today went fabulously. Everything about it felt right. We had a new nurse do the insem, who was hilarious (totally not meaning to be hilarious). The staff there are incredible. I have yet to meet someone that hasn't treated us with the utmost care and respect. Pretty cool.

Devon is a crafty woman and presented me this morning with something that she made for me, for today. I've been wanting a type of locket to wear around my neck with something inside that was baby-ish and it's hard to find one. Devon is getting into clay and metal clay and made me this necklace, which is essentially wrapped as a baby blanket with a heart, and inside the blanket, a place for me to put a note to our future baby, and to keep it close to my heart and on my body today. I love it. I have the most amazing wife in the world. 

 I wrote out a little message to the baby and just having it around my neck made me feel so warm about everything.

In the past, the actual procedures have been quite painful, but Devon always just gets me to look at her and looks at me with a calmness and love that I can't even explain. I can't imagine doing this any other way. She's awesome. And today, the IUI didn't hurt at all. Just a wee bit of blood afterwards.

It was quite funny. I have a bladder that I can rarely empty (even if it feels empty) and I have to go pee every hour or two (even through the night). It's a neurological thing that I'm seeing doctors about, but it gets worse when I'm anxious. I was in the IUI room and the nurse entered and I said, "I have to pee again," but I was already naked from the waist down, so I threw a sheet over me and ran down the hall to pee. I kept slipping, thinking I was going to drop the sheet and give the waiting room a show. Luckily, not. Devon totally calmed me down when I got back... she's got a great grounding energy that is so important through this. 

So, here we go into another 2WW. I feel very positive and I hope that stays with me through the wait. I really, really, really, really want an early Christmas present this year. How awesome would that be?