Tuesday, June 7, 2011

An Honest Post

I was seriously considered shutting down this blog over the last few weeks, for reasons that I will explain, but before I go on, I have to say that within a week, everything feels like it has changed dramatically.

Every day I'd open Blogger and feel as though I was straining for content. I didn't feel like I had anything to say. My partner and I weren't on the same page, and the actual "trying" in this "trying to conceive" blog was getting pushed farther and farther away - almost a year away - and I've already been writing for a year, with, what I felt, was very little movement. I am not saying that the TTC journey does not and should not include years of planning, talking, and thinking before the actual insemination, but to me, it just felt like that was all it was.

On top of that, my illness is complex, and makes all of the little things about pregnancy planning all the more complex. It's painfully slow, and sometimes doesn't even feel like it could be possible. I did not have a job after next month, when my contract runs out. Pregnancy just seemed such a far away thought, even though it encompasses so much of my present thoughts. I felt that, as a blogger/writer, I had run out of things to say, and no-one wants to read a blog about nothing.

But nothing has suddenly turned into something, or some things - plural. I won't write about them all in one post, and there are a few things that I really want to elaborate on, so for now, here are a few bullet points in my life:
  •  I am covering a mat leave at work, which ends in August. This week, I found out that they have created a position for me and I will continue in my (wonderful) job permanently... meaning I can take my own damn mat leave whenever I want.
  • After much thought, I am breaking up with one of my psychiatrists (which is a huge deal for me), and will be working primarily with my "talk shrink" and my reproductive shrink to get ready for this baby.
  • As of last night, I am lowering one of the medications I've been on for 10 years. It will be a 12-week process, and once it is over, my repro psych feels that the medications I am on are relatively healthy for pregnancy (will expand more in other post).
  • Devon and I have decided that once those 12 weeks are up, we will be ready - like really, really ready - to start the actual insemination process.
  • On that note, Devon has been amazing and I finally feel like this is OUR journey and not just mine... and I really, really needed that. And she really, really needed that too.
  • Devon is potentially moving jobs and putting off going back to school until this babe is born.
  •  We have decided to sell our house and move into the city in the fall (we'd originally put it off until next year, for financial and time purposes, which didn't please either of us).
  • I'm making our next appointment with our RE to go over our HSG results, which hopefully came back clear.
Oh, and one more:
  • I'm ecstatic.
P.S. And thank you for not giving up on me when I started to give up on myself. Your own stories and support have always kept me going. 

12 comments:

  1. Lex, wonderful news on all fronts. I am always here for you. I know there is a baby in your future and your health will be fine. When you want to expand on leaving your shrink I would be happy to listen. You are in very good hands and congrats on the new job. They like you, they really like you.

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  2. So glad to hear you're feeling so good about things.

    And we all have our ups and downs with blogging, I think.

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  3. I'm so glad that you have some good news on all fronts...I tend to be a lurked most of the time, but I always look forward to hearing about your journey. I think you are so brave. If you ever need to chat....you have my contact info and I'm glad to talk...or just listen and commiserate.

    Thanks again for posting...can't wait to see your post on your first IUI!!

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  4. This all sounds great! Such exciting things on the horizon.

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  5. It's never easy to be open and honest in a public forum, but I'm so glad you shared the real "goings-on". Congratulations on all this news and forward progress!!!

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  6. I have felt the same hesitancy to share what's really going on on my blog. Wanting to put on a good face, even in a forum that is supposed to be open. But, the best way for us to all support each other is for us all to be open. Thanks for having the courage to do that. Good luck with the next exciting chapter.

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  7. Saddle up and let the rodeo begin! Good luck!

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  8. Wonderful news about the job and the meds and especially about being in the same place with Devon. This all sounds like it's going in the right direction, and fast! I'm so happy for you both!

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  9. Yay! Great news all around! glad to still have you here.

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  10. Echoing everyone else: wonderful news! Happy to see you here :)

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  11. Yaaayyyy!! So excited for you!

    I feel you on the front of sharing honestly, and I admire your determination to do so. I'm having a bit of my own struggle on that front lately, and you just encouraged me to keep writing what I need to write, for me. Thanks. :)

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  12. I'm so glad you're not shutting down the blog. Also, WOW! Those are a whole bunch of exciting things on the very near horizon! I'm thrilled for you.

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