I've Been Lying To You

It's funny, I've read a few of your posts where you tackle the question "Explain the Name Behind Your Blog" and those post always make me think. Truth be told, I actually don't like the name of my blog. And I don't know what to do about it.

Firstly,  I don't identify with the word "lesbian" - I actually hate being called a lesbian and have always spoken of myself as, and identified with, the word "gay". All of my friends have a silent understanding that they will not utter the "L" word in my presence, when it is in the context of me. No offense to the lesbian race... I just don't like the word for me.

Secondly, although I initially liked the "crazy" addition, I think this blog has grown out of the humour-based writing that I started with. I try to be an advocate for mental health and it bothers me when people misuse and abuse the crazy label (though I think there is a fine balance between having a sense of humour about depression (is that possible?) and treating it with the respect it warrants). Anyway, it was flippant, and now I'm not so sure.

Thirdly - and this is twofold - in real life, I use the word "mum," not "mom". I will never be called "mom" by anybody. I'm originally from Britain, and grew up with my mother being "mum" and I'd like to keep that going down the bloodline. Also, I'm not a mother anyway. Yet. I hope to be soon, but not yet. False advertising.

So why the hell did I name my blog "Crazy Lesbian Mom"? Honestly? Because I have worked in web marketing and know search engines pretty well. Because I wanted to be found by other lesbian moms, so I named myself as an easily-searchable one. Because "Clinically Depressed Gay-Identified Woman-Who-Wants-To-Be-A-Mum-One-Day" wasn't an option (not that it was taken, or anything). I just wanted to make sure that I was found and that I stood out for other people who were looking for the same support network that I wanted to belong in. And I wanted to be memorable.

But it doesn't really feel like "me".

I think it's too late to change though, because I fear that if I change something that drastic, I will lose people. It's hard enough for me to make a visual change. And maybe it's my experience with failure at re-branding products for selling stuff. Perhaps I need to get my business head out of this.

I've already started to change the way I leave comments on other people's blogs by introducing my name as well as my blog name - usually "~Lex (Crazy Lesbian Mom)". I hope to drop the parenthesis soon so that I will start being known and remembered as just "Lex".

I don't even have that many visitors to the blog - and my visitor count is actually dropping - which is why I feel as though I can't lose anyone. Have any of you gone through a drastic change that can provide me with some insight? I know some of you have moved over to Wordpress for privacy, but I think all of you have kept the same blog name. Also, does anyone else regret their choice of blog name?

What's even more funny is that yes, I get traffic to the site, but do you know how many people end up on my blog after searching for "hot lesbian mom walks in on crazy sex party with twins"?? (or something along those lines). If there is one good thing about this blog name, it's that I take sick pleasure in the fact that a bunch of dudes are ending up on a boring lesbian's TTC blog when they're looking for some crazy-ass porn.

On a less important note, but still important to me: The baby shit brown colours of this blog make me think of... well, baby shit brown. And the colour of hospital psych ward walls. For those reasons alone, I really do want to change the look of this blog, though I'm having a few reservations. I keep a whole lot of people on my blogroll (I feel that it's important to keep updating it) and when I visit other blogs directly, I love it when the layout and look of the site helps me differentiate between the blogs I read. It's the immediacy of "that's Olive / Strawberry / Pom" rather than the "who dat? ohh, I remember now." Maybe people remember me as baby shit brown. Hmm... even more reason to change things. 

I don't know.