Monday, September 12, 2011

Week 2 of this 2WW

So we're into week two. If I don't get the bad news naturally, the earliest we'll know for sure is Friday. The nurse said that with the trigger shot, my period might come in 10-12 days. I'm at the end of day 11 with no AF, so I'm hoping we'll be okay.

I've over-analyzed everything this week. I've believed I'm pregnant and then I believe I'm not. I've wanted to stay positive, but it's fucking exhausting. There was a palpable change last week around Thursday. I had felt "differently" since my IUI for a full week and then suddenly, "that feeling" went away completely. And I can't even describe "that feeling" except to say that I felt different. And then on Thursday, and since, I haven't felt much.

My boobs hurt and now, not so much. Cramping is completely gone, which was pretty consistent. Of course, I'm trying to get "that feeling" back and I'm having trouble. Last night I was on the toilet with a really upset stomach and was cursing myself for pigging out on fish & chips and then realized, "hey, this may not be the fish!!!" 

Devon has stayed solidly positive this entire time, which I love, but I've felt so guilty for not being able to stay in that mindset myself. She keeps asking me if anything is wrong and I tell her no, because I don't want her to know I'm doubting anything. It's not good; it's like I'm hiding something. So, I finally told her today what was going on, and she was fantastic. She just said, "you feel what you feel and I'll be positive for the both of us". Did I mention I love her?
 
At this point, I almost don't care, I just want to know. And I hate that that's truth. If my first 2WW is this excruciating, I hope to dear god that there aren't too many more of them.

I can still hope and still get excited when I suddenly got an intense craving for sour cream & onion chips, when I don't even really like them to begin with. When I almost puked last week, I was so incredibly happy. So, I'll try to hold onto that happiness and trust that it'll get me through.

How do you not get so incredibly scared about seeing red every time you pull down your underwear to pee?

12 comments:

  1. Relax, I know it is a cliche to say what is supposed to happen will. But it will. If not this time, then the next. In real life it can take a regular person without all the extras at least 6 months to a year for no reason. I started trying at 21 and it took a year the first time. The second time because I was so not worried it took one time. So just breathe and try and stay busy. I would be crazed too but it makes the wait go so much slower. Holding you in the light for all days.

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  2. I can relate to pretty much everything you wrote. I hope you don't need a second TWW, but if you do, it does somehow get easier, I think because you are spreading the hope instead of pinning it all on one cycle and because you know you can survive it. But yes, at least for me, the first one was excruciating.

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  3. I know what it feels like to think that you are absolutely pregnant one day and then feel the next like you absolutely are not. The good news is that the first 2WW is the hardest. It is an obsession that takes over your every thought. It does get eaiser. I will keep my fingers crossed for you two. Devon sounds like she's keeping amazingly positive which is the best way to be. Hang in there and wait for natural signs as long as you can. For us, testing early with the notion of "not yet negatives" was maddening. You guys are in our thoughts! <3

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  4. TWW's are insane. It's easy to over-analyze every feeling, every twinge. Just gotta take it one day at a time. Holding on to hope for you!

    BTW, sorry to say, but you will be checking your underwear every single day of your pregnancy, too.

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  5. That is the best gift someone can give you, "I'll be positive for both of us." Someone said that to me in the midst of my depression and it actually helped. So glad you two are enjoying this time.

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  6. Such an awful roller coaster ride! And I hope you're feeling much worse soon (but only for the very best reason)!

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  7. Boo for the tww! I second Isa; I hope you start feeling sick :)

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  8. I hope the rest of your wait goes quick! I am not looking forward to my TWW...but in a way I am looking forward to it! GOOOOOD LUCK!

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  9. Ooooh, how I hated the TWW. *ugh* But, you can soon do a test and I am sooo hoping for you that it will come back positive.

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  10. Ugh, I feel your pain. TWWs suck so much. For us the first ones actually sucked more. As time went on we became run down and stopped having as much hope about each month and so they were more routine. By the end I really missed the excitement of the early TWWs - so much anticipation and hope. I'm romanticizing, I know (they were all agonizing), but there is a certain beauty in that uncertainty especially when it's all new.

    I'm blithering on tonight. What I want to say is, may your first be your last! Good luck!

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  11. Today is one week since my IUI, and I know exactly what you mean. I keep telling myself that there is no way that, one week in, I would be having all these pregnancy symptoms.

    Luckily I'm busy at work so I am not thinking about it 24-7. Unluckily, yesterday was a very stressful day at work and at the end of it I just really wanted a beer! LOL

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  12. I totally hit that point in every 2ww of just wanting an answer, whatever it might be. The state of not knowing is so, so hard. So on that note... Know anything yet?? ;-)

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