So we're into week two. If I don't get the bad news naturally, the earliest we'll know for sure is Friday. The nurse said that with the trigger shot, my period might come in 10-12 days. I'm at the end of day 11 with no AF, so I'm hoping we'll be okay.
I've over-analyzed everything this week. I've believed I'm pregnant and then I believe I'm not. I've wanted to stay positive, but it's fucking exhausting. There was a palpable change last week around Thursday. I had felt "differently" since my IUI for a full week and then suddenly, "that feeling" went away completely. And I can't even describe "that feeling" except to say that I felt different. And then on Thursday, and since, I haven't felt much.
My boobs hurt and now, not so much. Cramping is completely gone, which was pretty consistent. Of course, I'm trying to get "that feeling" back and I'm having trouble. Last night I was on the toilet with a really upset stomach and was cursing myself for pigging out on fish & chips and then realized, "hey, this may not be the fish!!!"
Devon has stayed solidly positive this entire time, which I love, but I've felt so guilty for not being able to stay in that mindset myself. She keeps asking me if anything is wrong and I tell her no, because I don't want her to know I'm doubting anything. It's not good; it's like I'm hiding something. So, I finally told her today what was going on, and she was fantastic. She just said, "you feel what you feel and I'll be positive for the both of us". Did I mention I love her?
At this point, I almost don't care, I just want to know. And I hate that that's truth. If my first 2WW is this excruciating, I hope to dear god that there aren't too many more of them.
I can still hope and still get excited when I suddenly got an intense craving for sour cream & onion chips, when I don't even really like them to begin with. When I almost puked last week, I was so incredibly happy. So, I'll try to hold onto that happiness and trust that it'll get me through.
How do you not get so incredibly scared about seeing red every time you pull down your underwear to pee?