Thursday, May 31, 2012

Meet the blob

We got to meet our baby yesterday. Despite being really cramped in a tiny room and being in extreme pain with a really overfull bladder (I was scared that if I wasn't really, really full, I wouldn't be able to see anything!), I was allowed to pee out half of it and then Devon, me and the tech got comfy enough to enjoy the experience.

And oh, what an experience. I didn't realize how much I needed this proof that I was actually pregnant... that I'm actually going to be a mom in a mere 7-ish months. It was glorious. And it was even more glorious to see Devon's reactions and have her experience this with me. Actually, she saw more things than I did, because I was in an awkward position and the tech kept telling me to relax my stomach muscles (I kept lifting my head up to look at the screen).

Seeing the yolk sac and the little alien blob inside it was indescribable. It was very hard to see, but we did see the little heartbeat with a bit of shifting. And then without warning, we heard, "boomboom, boomboom, boomboom" and the tech said, "that's your baby's heartbeat. We had no idea we'd be able to hear it so early. I immediately starting crying and Devon covered her mouth in (wonderful) shock.

I had an initial scare when the tech said the baby was measuring 6w5days - about 4 days behind. Then he changed to "around 7 weeks" and then when he printed out the photo, it said 7wks1day (a day behind?). Due date changed one day later to January 15.

Baby looks good. Yolk sack looks good. Heartbeat was around 150.

We are thrilled. It made everything real... and just gave me hope that if I haven't lost him/her yet, I won't at all. Not like I have a ton of control over that, but every day it gets easier to believe that this is it. That I'm finally going to be a mama.

I haven't introduced a fetus blog name, but we've had a name for this little guy for months pre-conception.  It's a long story, but every time we drove to the clinic for an IUI, we would crank Black Eyed Peas "Boom Boom Pow" at full blast and dance and sing "Gotta get dat Boom Boom Boom". Baby's name is BoomBoom. Hearing the heartbeat yesterday makes it feel so much more right, and I think I'm coming away from my fear a little bit and wanting to share it with you. (And yes, if it was twins, it was going to be BoomBoom and Pow).

Without further ado, please meet our teeniest, tiniest BoomBoom.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


Wow, it's been a little while since I've written. Things have been crazy.

Still pregnant... at least as far as I know. I'm 7 weeks, 1 day today and we will be getting our first ultrasound tomorrow! I can't wait to see the blob and a potential heartbeat (trying to remind myself that it's okay if they can't find the heartbeat this early).

I've been a little bit more tired. I'm slightly nauseous and my boobs still hurt. I can often be a bitch for no good reason and I'm often crampy. These symptoms come and go, so I suppose I'm lucky... when I'm not freaking out about why I don't have symptoms. Watch me check in in a week and I'll be puking my guts out.

Work has been incredibly busy and we are apartment/house hunting, which is taking up a whole lotta time outside of work right now. And there is some other stuff, but I'll have to wait a few weeks to update you on that! :-) We're also house sitting at my best friend's house, which is nice because it's in the city, but it's hard to feel settled. Looking forward to finding a place of our own and moving in.

I'm anxious about tomorrow's scan. Will there actually be a baby? Will the baby be okay? Will it be measuring right? Will we get to see a heartbeat? If I don't see a heartbeat, will I freak out? Will it be twins? (I think it's a singleton). Will I be less anxious after tomorrow about losing this pregnancy?

Hopefully I'll be able to tell you all good things!

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Finishing up 5 weeks

On Monday, I'll be 6 weeks pregnant, and I'm still feeling pretty good. I've been SO sick with bronchitis and it's barely now just clearing up, so I'm low on sleep still, but the last few nights, I've been able to grab at least 6 hours a night, which is a huge improvement.

Almost 100% of pregnant people I know/have heard from say that exhaustion is so prevalent in these early weeks. One of the things that has had me wondering is that, despite my lack of sleep, I've honestly had a pretty decent amount of energy, which is weird for two reasons: One, I'm pregnant. Two, my mood usually severely suffers if I don't get enough sleep for three or four nights in a row, not to mention the 16 that I've hardly slept. I know I should be thankful, and I'm sure the exhaustion might hit any minute, but I just find it kind of weird. Maybe because I'm walking on cloud 9?

No morning sickness yet, though there are things that affect me in the moment, like taking out the garbage (had to give up halfway through) and driving past gas stations (I thought my car was going to explode because of the gas smell). I've been cramping everyday, but it's mostly quite minor, except for a few sharp pains that last just a few seconds. My boobs, which I've hardly taken note of my whole life (they stopped growing when I was 11... I've been a small A cup my whole life), are huge. And sore. And huge. They're still tiny to the rest of the world, but I honestly feel like I'm carrying melons. I'm just not used to them.

It's my best friend's stagette this weekend, about a three-hour drive out of town. I decided not to go, so I could finally get over this bronchial thing. I thought about going up tonight for the night, but can't imagine being out until 4 a.m. with a group of really drunk friends, pretending I can't drink because of the antibiotics that I'm (not) on. I'm not ready to tell my friends yet, and as they know we're TTC, they'll be studying my every move. I'm going to drive up at the crack of dawn tomorrow and join them for brunch. It seems silly to drive for 6 hours for a 1-hour meal with a bunch of hungover girls, but she is my best friend, and I feel like I have to do something. I feel awful; as a bridesmaid, I was supposed to be very involved with planning this stagette! Ah well, baby first, right?

We have an ultrasound in less that two weeks at 7 weeks, 2 days pregnant. I can't believe in only 12 sleeps, we get to meet our little blob of a baby!

The subjects on the house get removed tomorrow, so I'll be able to say with 100% certainty that our place is actually sold... I kind of jumped the gun the other day, but it's looking very hopeful.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Beta levels at 21dpo

Got my beta levels tested today almost exactly at the same time as I did 7 days ago. Beta last week was 109 and has just over doubled every two days and as of 7:30 am was 1374.

And this result was finally what has made this pregnancy hit. It became real today.  And I imagine it will get even more real when we go for our first ultrasound in a short 15 days. We are still cautious about our celebrating, but with every day that I don't see blood, I can let myself celebrate a little more.

Also good news..... we sold our apartment tonight! Although we didn't make any money, we didn't have to take a loss, which is all we could ask for at this point. We finally get to move back to the city we moved from and rejoin some progressive, liberal thinkers... all in time to introduce a kid to this queer family.

Further good news... A new person started at work today to cover my colleague's maternity leave so I am no longer going to be working two jobs.

Everything just seems like it's finally falling into place lately. But still: stick baby, stick!

Friday, May 11, 2012

Still pregnant

Thank you all so much for your comments about the worry worry worry... it's so good to know I'm not alone and that it isn't a weakness to think this way. It is indeed out of my control and I can only do the healthy things I can control (food, etc.) so that if (and WHEN!) this embryo decides to stick around for the next 8 months, he'll be healthy and I can know that I did what I could.

I finally went to see a doctor today about this persistent chest cough/cold. For the last 10 days, I've capped out at about 4 hours sleep before I wake up coughing and can't go back to sleep. I've been off work for 4 days, and really need to go back on Monday. I've struggled with bronchitis before (kids - don't smoke... even 6 years after you quit, it still affects you!) and I always have a tough time getting rid of coughs. 

This visit affirmed that I will be switching doctors, probably forever, but definitely for this pregnancy. I see two doctors at this clinic and when I was dealing with three years of chronic pain where I couldn't walk more than a block a day, I had to literally beg to get a referral to an orthopedic surgeon, and then for a neurologist, and then again for a rheumatologist, and so on... the whole experience made me never want to go back, so until now, I've been making use of walk-in clinics. It's really tough to find a family doctor in this city.

Firstly, today, this doctor changed her mind 4 times. At first, it was just a cold. And then it was bronchitis. And then it was whooping cough (!). And then it was bronchitis again. She had to take a swab of the back of my throat but by going through my nose. Disgusting.

Anyway, I left with a prescription for an antibiotic, which when each time I asked if it was safe in pregnancy (about 4 times), my doctor said yes. I would not normally want to take an antibiotic, but I'm honestly at the end of my rope right now and something has got to give. So, I took it to the pharmacy in the building and "double checked" with the pharmacist that it was safe in pregnancy and he said, "I wouldn't take the risk." Apparently there isn't much research on humans yet and there is evidence of miscarriages and malformations in animals.

Really?? How is it okay that this doctor just prescribes this shit? I bet a lot of people don't even bother to double check. So I told the pharmacist I wouldn't fill the prescription and now, after wasting the better part of my day in a doctor's office, I'm back at square one. I've been taken the original Buckley's, which she says is okay, but not like I'm going to trust her now, plus it's making me nauseous. Fisherman's Friends are really my best friends, though I've had about enough of those too. I just spent $225 on the way home on a vaporizer, but the filter has to soak for 24 hours prior to use.

Any remedies out there that work for you?


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Stick baby, stick

I'm guessing I already know the answer to my question, and I'm guessing the answer is something along the lines of: "You never get over the worry of thinking this can end at any second."

It's been a strange couple of days. Blissful and terrifying. I'm caught between celebrating this pregnancy and feeling a dire need to wait until... I don't know when. I think I'll feel better after next week's beta, but by that time, maybe that milestone will move until after the 7 week ultrasound, and then not until the 12 week, 20 week, etc. until this baby is born healthy.

Even the nurse that called from the clinic (because I called saying "what the hell do I do now; I've never got this far in my thoughts") told me to be careful with the celebrations. I just feel like this place is a little bit like purgatory.

In some respects, this embryo is already our future baby and I can let myself dream about taking him or her (or them!) home in my arms from the hospital in mid-January next year. And part of me just keeps nagging, "Just wait... don't get too attached". Which I hate. But it's truth.

Although I don't think I'm putting much energy into thinking that this baby isn't going to stick, this is one of the hardest roads I've taken on this whole TTC journey so far.

Do I get another referral to my Reproductive Psychiatrist now, or in a few weeks? [I have an increased risk of miscarriage with my mental health/medication issues. I wrote about it here]. Do I bother going to my GP now, or in a few weeks? Do I pay the $4.99 for a pregnancy tracking app or do I download the free version for now?

While I'm thankful that my boobs don't hurt as much as they did on the weekend, it scares me too (they still do hurt though). Even though I know cramping can happen in early pregnancy, why do I fear the worst when it does? Why do I immediately think I've started bleeding when I feel any moisture in my underwear? Oh, and word to the wise: Don't wear your comfy period underwear on days like this... the stains will freak you out each time you whip your pants down.

I don't know if any of you have any tips for shoving these thoughts away and replacing them with positive ones, but if you do, I'd greatly appreciate them. Positive thinking is something I've always struggled with (that's what two decades of major depression will do to you). For now, I keep telling myself that regardless if this lasts or not, I really do feel blessed every day that I am pregnant. Because it is a pretty awesome feeling (well, maybe not physically). It seems to work.... sometimes.

Baby: We want you so badly. Please, please stick around to meet us.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Beta levels at 14dpo

Pregnancy has been confirmed with a beta, which came back at 109.

It seems quite high... but I know the charts are all over the place and that we need next week's results to see a true reading.

Okay, this SOOOOO hasn't hit me yet. Though your comments have been awesome and have made this news amazing, so thank you so much.


Sunday, May 6, 2012

Holy shit you guys, I'm pregnant!

13 dpo. Blood test tomorrow morning!


Saturday, May 5, 2012

Thursday, May 3, 2012

2WW almost over

Aye yay yay, I'm so sick. Sore throat, ear ache and chills came out of nowhere and I pulled an all nighter last night because my throat was so swollen I couldn't breathe correctly. And I'm actually taking a day off AND if I'm not better tomorrow, I'm taking another day off. Totally not like me, but I'm nearing the end of this 2WW and my focus is on my health and healthy embryos.

This 2WW seems a bit different, and although I'm not reading into it too much, I have welcomed the subtle nausea, cramping, skin breakouts, sore boobs and bleeding gums (which I never understood why are a symptom of pregnancy). Of course, these symptoms could be incidental, but I'm choosing to try to stay positive. Even with the low sperm count with this past IUI, I'm choosing to focus on the sperm motility factor, which was good.

We chose not to pursue trying to get our money back with the sperm sample, because I think the whole process would have stressed us out even more. And, I'm really really trying to trust the Universe on this whole process and trust that the IUI will work.

I'm 10 DPO and really, really want this 2WW to be over. Devon is away this week and won't be home til Sunday night. I'm trying to decide whether I will test this weekend without her. Part of me wants to, but part of me can't stand the thought of not being together when we get that BFP news. Also, I really do find comfort in Devon when we get a BFN too. Usually I'm pretty good about waiting until at least 13 DPO, but I'm jonesing this month for some reason.

Our house is not selling and it looks like we may have to take a loss, which means no extra money for potential IVF, nor can we pay off our debts. It sucks, but we also really want to just move on with our lives, and although they say this insane market has been about to crash for the last 10 years, I think it actually is going to get harder and harder to sell.

Work isn't much easier either, and I'm actually applying to a new job. I don't think I'm qualified and probably won't get it, but I guess I just want to get out there. That said, if we do get our BFP, I don't feel right about starting a new job and leaving for a year for mat leave 8-9 months after I start. Plus, my current job has awesome maternity benefits (although the other one will too - it's at a really great university).

Only 4 days left until testing. Only 4 days left until testing. Only 4 days left until testing. Only 4 days left until testing. God I hate those last few days.