Monday, January 3, 2011

Playing Pretend With My Heart Strings

Although I am back at work tomorrow after a glorious 10 days off, I am still in vacation mode, as my parents gave D and me a gift of having 5 nights in a posh hotel downtown. So we took the kittens to "camp" and have just enjoyed being in the city. We're here most of the week, and it's making me realize what a good move this next one will be: from the suburbs back to the city. We are not huge "city folks" but we are soooo not suburbians. Unfortunately it took a large mortgage and 3 years to figure that out. But alas... we will be moving in the summer, hopefully.

We've picked up magazines and started looking at homes more seriously. D has a great idea of what she wants. We generally have the same taste in places and have a similar idea of what we want, but it's getting more obvious that though this is most likely a near-forever move, D seems to be thinking of 2, not 3 people. Just me and her... I could be wrong, but yet, how would I know?

No, I haven't brought up the baby talk yet. Truth is, I'm just enjoying the time off with her, the lightness of just enjoying each others' company and just being a couple. Emphasis on the word "couple". Two. Duo. Just us.

Part of me just wants to get over this hump and see what the talk will bring, but there is a bigger part of me that knows that if the answer is not what I am expecting or hoping for, I am going to be crushed, and for right now, I am enjoying my time, my wife, my pseudo vacation... so I will hold off until we are home in our own place with a door to close that's not a hotel bathroom door.

Or I'm just too scared. Maybe I'm just too scared. Am I putting this off for no reason?

I've enjoyed reading my blogroll blogs over the last few weeks. Great birth stories, pregnancy stories, babies and happy mamas... so awesome. I'm thrilled for everyone who has had great news over the last little while.

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a voyeur. I do not have a belly, nor a sperm donor, nor even a partner that I'm talking to about anything yet. But I keep telling myself that my time will come, and for this week, I may hold off. Yet again, if the time feels right, I will bring it up. Because I deserve to know. I've held up my end of the bargain, and it's time I know.

Do I want to know?


  1. You are not alone!!! I too am bump-less and baby-less but oh girl, please do not EVER feel like you are out of place in this blogland. We (blogland in general) are here for the sole purpose of supporting every triumph and helping to re-focus and pick up the pieces after every heartbreak.

    Your average friends and coworkers (and hell even your siblings!) are not ever going to be able to really *get* it like people who walk the SAME miles and climb the SAME mountains in the SAME.EXACT.SHOES. as you.

    Enjoy your couple time and when the time is right, enjoy the time you spend talking about the idea of expanding from a couple to a trio (hey! maybe even a quad!) Hang in there, and remember...your blog is YOUR SPACE to vent about the good, the bad, the boring and the uuber exciting!!! :)

  2. I totally understand wanting to wait until you're in your own space before having that conversation. Just bring it up before you actually go house hunting! Also, I would say that an extra room can do wonders for a relationship, baby or no.