Monday, January 17, 2011

So, we talked last night

I don't even know what to say.

Apparently nor did she.

Perhaps I was too optimistic. Perhaps my expectations were too high.

Me: "So, I've held up my end of the deal and haven't brought up any talk about having a family for over three months, and now I really need to know where you're at."

D: "In all honesty, I haven't really thought too much about it."

(Really?!)

Me: "Oh."

Long silence.

Then some talk about lives ending after children, financial stuff, moving homes, specifics... until finally I said:

"Take away everything - don't think about the details - just tell me: Do you want to be a mum?"

D: "I don't know."

Longer silence.

I was strong and objective and I tried to make it easy for us to talk about this (as it hasn't been easy in the past), but my voice broke and I lost it when I told her that I need an answer from her because I can't continue to be in this limbo, and I need to know if this is something I have to let go of... she owes me that.

So, we left it that she would talk with me sometime this week and have an answer.

I slept for about two hours last night, woke up crying. She woke up with her alarm, and on her way out the door, said she'd had a "dream that put everything into perspective" and wants to talk tonight.

It's hard to be positive though. I was positive last night.

Crushed.

3 comments:

  1. It's so, so hard when partners are on different pages. Hang in there...perhaps her dream is good news for you.

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  2. I'm sorry this is so much harder than you had hoped. I know that not talking about it gave you space to imagine that she was right there with you, without having her check your expectations. I think her not knowing is actually a good sign--if it were definitely a no she would say so. Not knowing maybe means that she really hadn't been thinking about it, but now she is. I hope her dream means good things, and that you can get to a decision.

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  3. Ouch - that sounds like a crushing conversation. I'm hoping for the best from your dream conversation tonight.

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