Monday, January 17, 2011

So, we talked last night

I don't even know what to say.

Apparently nor did she.

Perhaps I was too optimistic. Perhaps my expectations were too high.

Me: "So, I've held up my end of the deal and haven't brought up any talk about having a family for over three months, and now I really need to know where you're at."

D: "In all honesty, I haven't really thought too much about it."


Me: "Oh."

Long silence.

Then some talk about lives ending after children, financial stuff, moving homes, specifics... until finally I said:

"Take away everything - don't think about the details - just tell me: Do you want to be a mum?"

D: "I don't know."

Longer silence.

I was strong and objective and I tried to make it easy for us to talk about this (as it hasn't been easy in the past), but my voice broke and I lost it when I told her that I need an answer from her because I can't continue to be in this limbo, and I need to know if this is something I have to let go of... she owes me that.

So, we left it that she would talk with me sometime this week and have an answer.

I slept for about two hours last night, woke up crying. She woke up with her alarm, and on her way out the door, said she'd had a "dream that put everything into perspective" and wants to talk tonight.

It's hard to be positive though. I was positive last night.



  1. It's so, so hard when partners are on different pages. Hang in there...perhaps her dream is good news for you.

  2. I'm sorry this is so much harder than you had hoped. I know that not talking about it gave you space to imagine that she was right there with you, without having her check your expectations. I think her not knowing is actually a good sign--if it were definitely a no she would say so. Not knowing maybe means that she really hadn't been thinking about it, but now she is. I hope her dream means good things, and that you can get to a decision.

  3. Ouch - that sounds like a crushing conversation. I'm hoping for the best from your dream conversation tonight.