I don't even know what to say.
Apparently nor did she.
Perhaps I was too optimistic. Perhaps my expectations were too high.
Me: "So, I've held up my end of the deal and haven't brought up any talk about having a family for over three months, and now I really need to know where you're at."
D: "In all honesty, I haven't really thought too much about it."
Then some talk about lives ending after children, financial stuff, moving homes, specifics... until finally I said:
"Take away everything - don't think about the details - just tell me: Do you want to be a mum?"
D: "I don't know."
I was strong and objective and I tried to make it easy for us to talk about this (as it hasn't been easy in the past), but my voice broke and I lost it when I told her that I need an answer from her because I can't continue to be in this limbo, and I need to know if this is something I have to let go of... she owes me that.
So, we left it that she would talk with me sometime this week and have an answer.
I slept for about two hours last night, woke up crying. She woke up with her alarm, and on her way out the door, said she'd had a "dream that put everything into perspective" and wants to talk tonight.
It's hard to be positive though. I was positive last night.