I didn't think it would be this hard.
Dropping my anti-anxieties by 75% over the last three weeks has gone really well except for the last week. Although we are staying in a lush hotel with a wonderfully comfy bed, I have had major issues sleeping and I am so sad about it. I know it's not a weakness - my body is obviously dependent on these benzos, but I suppose I'm just disappointed with the fact that it hasn't been really really easy.
Not that coming off head meds is ever easy, but I just thought: this is the right time. My mood has been okay, which is the most important thing, but I know that if I continue not sleeping, my mood is next to go. Today, I'm off work because of my stomach, which gets really bad if I don't get enough sleep. I can't afford to take time off work right now... especially going into a 2-week vacation next week.
We had such a fun time last night at our friends' house - got fed really well, and when we got back to the hotel, I was exhausted. But alas, the light went off and my head turned on... work, money, home, work, car, money, friends, work, money, work, work, work - something like that. I always joke about somehow getting through quality control without an "off" switch, and it's true. I can't turn off my head.
I've tried meditation, breathing, focusing on something else. I've tried writing, talking, writing music. I last about 30 seconds in an attempt at meditating, before I think "Oh, I'll never be able to do this."
Focus on your breath. Calm your mind.
I am going to up my meds just slightly tonight so that I can sleep tonight, and then the weekend will be okay. When I NEED to sleep, I think about it all the time. When I just need to get through a weekend, there usually doesn't seem to be a problem. But this drop is different...
I do feel that this really is my body telling me that it needs the anti-anxieties for a physical reason. I suppose I need to respect that. As much as I hate it, some times other forces are too big for one person to try to change.
So, it's okay. I just take more time to do this. It will happen when I'm ready for it. I originally said I'd be off the anti-anxieties by Valentine's Day, and then sped up the process. I think I'll just go back to my original goal. Lord knows I have to do this with some other meds soon enough.