Saturday, March 6, 2010

Who Makes The First Call?

It’s Saturday and beautiful outside and all we want to do is relax and do nothing inside. We tend to be that way more often than not. I’ve had some physical health issues that have kept me pretty stationary, and we’re waiting on some test results to see what it is. It’s a chronic condition, and I admit I’ve been less proactive than I should be about getting to the bottom of this. Is it wrong that it was only until my partner said that she’d only take the next step to baby-dom once I’d dealt with my pain that it became one of the most important things on my list to do?

The house is a bit of a mess. It kind of always is. We both work really long hours and don’t get home until late, and the last thing we want to do is clean. We’re really good at deciding what it is that we want to do – worse about actually doing it. We talk but don’t act. I’m realizing that in order to a) get/remain healthy (both physically and mentally) and b) actually get pregnant and have a baby, I’m going to have to become someone who is ultra proactive, kind of pushy, and a little big aggressive. This journey is not going to be a walk in the park.

My shrink put in a referral for my partner and me to visit a clinic that deals with reproductive mental health. I think they mostly work with people who are actually pregnant that have developed mental health issues, or that have post-partum, but we’re hoping that they will be able to tell us whether I’ll be able to carry, and if so, what I’ll need to do (medication-wise) to do so healthily.

I really really want to go, but I’m terrified. I am putting off the possibility of hearing the words “it’s not safe enough.” It definitely hasn’t been the first step in this journey (there is a lot that had to/has to happen in my relationship for this baby), but it’s sort of the first “official” step, after the initial awkward conversation with my very conservative and very religious psychiatrist.

Speaking of my shrink – he is awesome at what he does. Like award-winning awesome. And I totally trust that he could have taken this on himself, but I think my partner initially needed a second opinion. If it was completely up to me, I think I’d risk my health to any degree to get pregnant and have a baby, but I know that’s not right. It’s not fair to anyone, especially my partner, who doesn’t want to have to be responsible and care for two infants. I can’t blame her for that.

I’m also terrified that even if we get the medical okay from the shrink experts, the reproductive clinic will turn us away. From what I’ve read, you have to be pretty damn healthy for them to shoot some boys up into you.

Anyway, as I was saying: We are say-ers and not do-ers. Does that change when you have an infant on the way? Do you dust the house to keep the air clean for their little lungs? Do you sweep the floors so that their little hands don’t pick up any lint balls to put in their mouths? Do you tidy everything off the living room coffee table so that they don’t take anything off that might hurt their tiny little selves? Does a baby make you change your bad habits?

Do I wait for the clinic to call me, or do I make the phone call myself?

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