Trick or Treat

This year on Halloween night, D and I will be taking our nephews and nieces trick or treating... it's one of my favourite days of the year. Not only do I get to take my amazing little ones out, but I too get to go in costume - without even dressing up - I get to pretend that I'm their mom.

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People open their doors to my polite and adorable nieces and nephews, who look up at them with their  excited smiles, take their gifts and thank them profusely, and I stand back and hold a position of "oh yeah, they're mine" intense sense of pride. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

Probably not the healthiest thing, but fuck it - I may never get to take my own kid out, and the pride I hold knowing that these kids share just even a smidgen of their blood with me makes me feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

I may not be a mom right now, and I may not be a mom for a while, who knows. And then there is the other possibility, but I'm not going to write that today.  So, we all need to dress up some time, put on a mask and as adults, we really just have this one day a year where it's acceptable, so yeah - they will be my kids on Sunday. Their smiles, their eyes, their manners, their excitement, their energy, their love... it all comes from me.

Except if they misbehave ;-)

It Gets Better Project

Yesterday’s post was ridiculously self-absorbed and I had dreams last night of people coming at me wearing this T-Shirt:

[photo credit]

So, today, enough about me and more about the It Gets Better Project (and my sincere apologies for having my head shoved up my ass). I haven’t had a chance to fully explore the entire site, but the concept is amazing, and it’s something that needs to be done. Though I wasn’t suicidal in my teens because I was gay, I was suicidal in my teens… and nobody should have to go through that.

I am a long-time reader of Savage Love and now an avid listener of Savage Love Podcasts. Despite his often crude approach, Dan Savage has some brilliant insight into love, sex, sexuality, acceptance, and life. It takes a strong man to talk about what he talks about, when he’s up against conservative douches that no doubt were often the bullies he faced when he was younger.

Dan posted his own video with his husband, Terry, and for me, it totally personalized him from his usual harsh and witty self, and just made him a human gay being. Someone to relate to. Someone who, hopefully, some young gay kid out there will relate to, and will be inspired that life does get better… even if you are bullied in school for being gay.

Despite my mental illness during high school, I was never bullied. Mostly because I was good at putting on a face. I just succeeded in everything I did and was good to people, and luckily they were good back. Had I come out in high school, maybe things would be different. But I didn’t even know I was gay until I was in my early twenties (though in retrospect, I was head-over-heels in love with my grade 4 teacher, but really, who isn’t?)

Kids need more support. I am a huge supporter of children and youth who suffer from psychiatric disorders, and I’ve done videos and spoken at events and offered my support to individuals, and it has paid off big-time. These kids are starving for people to relate to, and are just looking out for that person who got through what they’re going through.

When I was a kid, I never in my life imagined living past 21. I just couldn’t fathom it. Now, I am functioning, happy (in spite of many adversities), and am blessed with amazing family and friends. Life is good.

Let’s help these kids out.

I'm a L-E-S-B-I-A-N

This is from Lizzy the Lezzy - made me laugh; thought I'd share.

You may say I'm a dreamer....

... but I'm not the only one.

Mr. Lennon was onto something.

Imagine if John was around today. I wonder if he'd have a blog. I wonder whether he would find solace in the fact that there are other bloggers out there who were peace activists and musicians, who had  homosexual managers that were attracted to them. Bloggers who wrote about being married to famous cello players. Maybe even bloggers who were later murdered.

When I went to New York 6 years ago, I had to visit Strawberry Fields - if not for my love of the Beatles, for my dad's lust of the Beatles. I didn't imagine (no pun intended) I would become emotional at the sight of the Imagine mosaic in Central Park, but I did. Maybe it was a time in my life where I was imagining the future... actually, I know that it was. I was imagining what it would be like to get married to the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Back to Lennon and the blogosphere. What I'm learning as a relatively new blogger is that there seems to be someone out there writing something that speaks to what you're going through. Most of the time.

I updated my blogroll today with great suggestions from three particular blogs: An Offering of Love, Insert Metaphor (awesome blog), and Schroedinger's Womb. Most are either blogs of gay women who are trying to conceive (TTC - new acronym to me!), who already have children (and seem to post endless photos of them... some even write about their poo, take pictures of their packed lunches, explain their three hour bedtime routine and update daily on how it went - some of this seems a little overboard, but in all honesty, if I ever have a kid, I'd probably do the same...) And then there are the bloggers who are trying and trying and trying to have a baby and are can't conceive. My heart goes out to all.

I have only yet found one lesbian mom who write about her mental illness: A Day in the Life of a Bipolar Turtle, though it is dedicated mostly to bipolar and not necessarily to how it affects being a mom.

I imagine that there are other depressed lesbians that want babies, but I haven't found a blog devoted to that yet, and it made me wonder whether the stigma of carrying a child while on medication has anything to do with it.

Though not my first choice, I will not come of all of my medications if I am going to get pregnant. It would not end well. I would not end well. And many out there may think that is selfish and hurtful to my non-existent fetus, but the literature is out there and it's interesting: it's not as risky as you may think.

It was mental health awareness week a couple of weeks ago, but nobody knew about it. It's a cluster of diseases which still go unnoticed and ignored, because it's crazy, right? Even I have my major concerns about pregnancy on medication, but I would never put my child at serious risk. And if it is a serious risk, I won't do it.

John Lennon: Maybe you wouldn't have found a blogger who wrote about their cello-playing, peace activist partner. And maybe I won't find a blogger who is a lesbian, clinically depressed, on medication, and ready and willing to get pregnant.

But I can imagine.

If you are out there, I'd love to hear from you...

Holding On...

I haven't even visited my own blog since the last time I wrote - haven't checked the email associated with it, haven't really thought about it. Why would I? It's a blog devoted to a woman and her wife who are trying to conceive, who are creating a family. A blog devoted to the special challenges that mental health and pregnancy brings. A blog devoted to my thoughts, read by nobody (or so I thought).

I was surprised to see that three people commented on my last post. And three might not seem like much, but it was so much for me. I didn't even see them until now, but I am so thankful for the words of encouragement from the three of you, to someone you don't know. I know it's the blogosphere, and it's easy to leave comments without really thinking about it, but these seemed genuine and personal, and for that, I thank you.

My marriage is going okay. It's actually going well. We are definitely heading in the right direction, thanks to the fact that we are both good talkers and listeners, and are very eager to improve on our respective selves. That, coupled with a good therapist and some great friends, has got us through this rough patch. And it wasn't just a little slip - there was talk of ending, leaving, and it was one of the scariest times of my life.

As I wrote in my last blog, I asked D about whether or not she still wanted kids, and she said "give me a while," which I did, and then I went even more crazy, because I feel as though I need to know either yes or no, so I can either plan or mourn, depending.

It has always been a tough subject to bring up, but it's been especially so since our crash (as I'm calling it). It makes me so anxious not knowing, and it makes her so anxious to even think about the possibility right now. My mood has been affected by not being able to plan, and by her reactions to me suggesting that this is something I need to know about right now.

But that's unfair. A lot of this is unfair. And as much as having a baby is one of the most important things to me (which is okay), my first priority is healing my relationship. I can't lose her. I may lose the ideal of a baby, but what's the use if I don't have a happy, healthy home to bring a child into? I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to get (even more) depressed. I don't think I can raise a child on my own. I don't want to raise a child on my own. I want this to be something D and I can share and go through and enjoy and experience and plan.

But the plan is on hold and I'm holding on.

We made a deal in therapy today: we are to put the baby talk aside and focus on living in the "here and now". Does that frighten the hell out of me? Yeah, but I know that this is what D needs. And this is what we need - to have this huge "subject" out of the other issues we can fix on and build - so that we can live and love and breathe and be. Together.

The deal has a time limit, which I guess is my side of the bargain. I can't talk about it at all (with D), until January 1st next year. And while that seems on the surface like an impossible task, it's actually okay... I don't know how to turn the baby thinking "off" (can you?), but I know that my first priority is to heal my marriage.

So, I may post here to get my thoughts out... I don't know. But here is no "Mom" in this Crazy Lesbian Mom blog yet, but that doesn't mean I can't write.

And for anyone reading who has any advice: How do you shush up the "oh-my-god-if-i-don't-talk-about-it-i'm-going-to-die" thinking?