You may say I'm a dreamer....

... but I'm not the only one.

Mr. Lennon was onto something.

Imagine if John was around today. I wonder if he'd have a blog. I wonder whether he would find solace in the fact that there are other bloggers out there who were peace activists and musicians, who had  homosexual managers that were attracted to them. Bloggers who wrote about being married to famous cello players. Maybe even bloggers who were later murdered.

When I went to New York 6 years ago, I had to visit Strawberry Fields - if not for my love of the Beatles, for my dad's lust of the Beatles. I didn't imagine (no pun intended) I would become emotional at the sight of the Imagine mosaic in Central Park, but I did. Maybe it was a time in my life where I was imagining the future... actually, I know that it was. I was imagining what it would be like to get married to the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Back to Lennon and the blogosphere. What I'm learning as a relatively new blogger is that there seems to be someone out there writing something that speaks to what you're going through. Most of the time.

I updated my blogroll today with great suggestions from three particular blogs: An Offering of Love, Insert Metaphor (awesome blog), and Schroedinger's Womb. Most are either blogs of gay women who are trying to conceive (TTC - new acronym to me!), who already have children (and seem to post endless photos of them... some even write about their poo, take pictures of their packed lunches, explain their three hour bedtime routine and update daily on how it went - some of this seems a little overboard, but in all honesty, if I ever have a kid, I'd probably do the same...) And then there are the bloggers who are trying and trying and trying to have a baby and are can't conceive. My heart goes out to all.

I have only yet found one lesbian mom who write about her mental illness: A Day in the Life of a Bipolar Turtle, though it is dedicated mostly to bipolar and not necessarily to how it affects being a mom.

I imagine that there are other depressed lesbians that want babies, but I haven't found a blog devoted to that yet, and it made me wonder whether the stigma of carrying a child while on medication has anything to do with it.

Though not my first choice, I will not come of all of my medications if I am going to get pregnant. It would not end well. I would not end well. And many out there may think that is selfish and hurtful to my non-existent fetus, but the literature is out there and it's interesting: it's not as risky as you may think.

It was mental health awareness week a couple of weeks ago, but nobody knew about it. It's a cluster of diseases which still go unnoticed and ignored, because it's crazy, right? Even I have my major concerns about pregnancy on medication, but I would never put my child at serious risk. And if it is a serious risk, I won't do it.

John Lennon: Maybe you wouldn't have found a blogger who wrote about their cello-playing, peace activist partner. And maybe I won't find a blogger who is a lesbian, clinically depressed, on medication, and ready and willing to get pregnant.

But I can imagine.

If you are out there, I'd love to hear from you...