I haven't even visited my own blog since the last time I wrote - haven't checked the email associated with it, haven't really thought about it. Why would I? It's a blog devoted to a woman and her wife who are trying to conceive, who are creating a family. A blog devoted to the special challenges that mental health and pregnancy brings. A blog devoted to my thoughts, read by nobody (or so I thought).
I was surprised to see that three people commented on my last post. And three might not seem like much, but it was so much for me. I didn't even see them until now, but I am so thankful for the words of encouragement from the three of you, to someone you don't know. I know it's the blogosphere, and it's easy to leave comments without really thinking about it, but these seemed genuine and personal, and for that, I thank you.
My marriage is going okay. It's actually going well. We are definitely heading in the right direction, thanks to the fact that we are both good talkers and listeners, and are very eager to improve on our respective selves. That, coupled with a good therapist and some great friends, has got us through this rough patch. And it wasn't just a little slip - there was talk of ending, leaving, and it was one of the scariest times of my life.
As I wrote in my last blog, I asked D about whether or not she still wanted kids, and she said "give me a while," which I did, and then I went even more crazy, because I feel as though I need to know either yes or no, so I can either plan or mourn, depending.
It has always been a tough subject to bring up, but it's been especially so since our crash (as I'm calling it). It makes me so anxious not knowing, and it makes her so anxious to even think about the possibility right now. My mood has been affected by not being able to plan, and by her reactions to me suggesting that this is something I need to know about right now.
But that's unfair. A lot of this is unfair. And as much as having a baby is one of the most important things to me (which is okay), my first priority is healing my relationship. I can't lose her. I may lose the ideal of a baby, but what's the use if I don't have a happy, healthy home to bring a child into? I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to get (even more) depressed. I don't think I can raise a child on my own. I don't want to raise a child on my own. I want this to be something D and I can share and go through and enjoy and experience and plan.
But the plan is on hold and I'm holding on.
We made a deal in therapy today: we are to put the baby talk aside and focus on living in the "here and now". Does that frighten the hell out of me? Yeah, but I know that this is what D needs. And this is what we need - to have this huge "subject" out of the other issues we can fix on and build - so that we can live and love and breathe and be. Together.
The deal has a time limit, which I guess is my side of the bargain. I can't talk about it at all (with D), until January 1st next year. And while that seems on the surface like an impossible task, it's actually okay... I don't know how to turn the baby thinking "off" (can you?), but I know that my first priority is to heal my marriage.
So, I may post here to get my thoughts out... I don't know. But here is no "Mom" in this Crazy Lesbian Mom blog yet, but that doesn't mean I can't write.
And for anyone reading who has any advice: How do you shush up the "oh-my-god-if-i-don't-talk-about-it-i'm-going-to-die" thinking?