Saturday, December 11, 2010

Different Pages, Maybe Even Different Books

Do you know how hard it is not to make one comment pertaining to whether or not we're going to have a child when it's been decided that we aren't going to speak about it until January?

And I don't mean "Honey, do you still want to have kids?" I'm mean the "Yeah, our kid wouldn't be caught dead doing that" or "Can you imagine how cute it would be if our baby had that hat?" or "Our niece will be old enough to babysit by then". 

As some of you know, our therapist helped D and me decide to put off baby talk (any of it!) for three months. I agreed that it was a good idea (and still think it is, mostly). We're in the middle of the last month of this, and I've been doing well this whole time, but I'm about to explode. Part of why I blog is to get all of this out, and to write out my hopes and dreams, because I can't speak with my wife about them. Not yet...

I can't tell her that one of the main reason I am coming off anti-anxieties is because I'm thinking about pregnancy. I can't tell her that I'm putting away a certain amount of money a month to pay for fertility treatment. I can't tell her that whenever I see a baby, my uterus kicks me in my brain. I can't tell her that I've met some really great people online who I really connect with. And it is not because I'm hiding things from her, it's because I am keeping my part of the deal, but to be honest, it feels like I'm lying - or becoming really distant from her - because I can't share these things.

I'm just really looking forward to a month from now, when we will be talking about babies, and I hope that when I finally bring up the fact that I've been blogging, she doesn't freak out. I hope she realizes that this is beyond important to me. How do I explain that gut-wrenching desire that comes from the pit of my stomach and my heart at the same time, to someone who has never had one urge to carry a child. I don't think she has to be on the same page when it comes to level of excitement... I just hope that if we do go ahead with trying to have a baby, she will feel excited. I think she will. If having a baby is what she really wants, she will.

Is there anyone else out there that wants to / is / has carried a child with a partner that isn't as invested as you? How has it worked? Does it work?

We're planning on moving and a lot of the places we're looking at and can afford are one bedroom places. The fact that I can't turn to D and say "but where will the baby's room be?" is killing me...

Ugh, I hate this. I just want to know, so that I can celebrate or mourn. I feel entitled to that. And it's coming... in less than a month. I suppose I should be happy.

Patience is a bitch.

                    [photo credit]

5 comments:

  1. Patience sucks, but hopefully when it does come time to talk about it again you guys can get on the same page. My best advice - cross that bridge when it gets here. Otherwise, if you're like me, you'll stress yourself crazy over something that may not even be an issue.

    She was on the same page with you at one time...just gotta work together to get there again.

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  2. You are totally right... I need to just breathe through this and have faith that when it happens, all will be well.

    Thanks for bringing me down to earth.

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  3. This really does sound incredibly hard. I can't imagine not talking about this stuff with Fern CONSTANTLY. We have always been on the same page about wanting kids and each wanting to be pregnant, though.

    I know my boss' partner wasn't too sure about kids and when they started ttc she still wasn't AS excited as my boss. But now they're a happy little family and I know she has no regrets. I don't think the same level of enthusiasm is necessary, but I am anxious for you to get to talk about all this soon. The growing distance doesn't seem like a good thing.

    Not too long now!

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  4. I'll approach this from the other side- the one who wanted to hold off on baby plans and didn't ever feel quite ready. Made a deal with my wife to hold off on baby-making until a couple years after she was raring to go. We both talked about it here and there (especially lighter topics like baby names), but I think she tried hard to keep baby stuff to a minimum for my sake. when we began TTCing, I was actually quite excited. I don't know what changed...maybe the fact that we were actually DOING it. I allowed myself to dream about the child-to-be and mentally found myself in a very different place. I wanted it just as badly as she did and was disappointed when the first couple tries didn't work out. When my wife got pregnant, I was 100% invested, went to every appointment, prepared at home, decorated the nursery, the whole she-bang. This from someone who said she'd be just as happy without having a child.

    19 months later, I will tell you that I still have my moments of knowing I could still be happy without a child. But he's here and I love him, even when things are difficult. It's hard sometimes though, but I think it'll get better and better as he grows up. I can't wait to see the person he's becoming. But I'm also glad to know we're never doing it again (we both 100% agree on one child).

    All this to say, she will most likely come around, but you may always deal with a small bit of...resentment/longing for the past. But even people who really wanted children more than anything else in the world can feel that way.

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  5. Strawberry - thanks so much for taking the time to comment from "the other side"... I have often wondered what it was like, and I really appreciate your honesty.

    I can imagine it is just as hard for the non-carrier/non-crazy-LET'S-GO partner. I know she'll come around when things are moving... she's amazing, and I'm lucky to have her.

    Thank you thank you thank you... I so needed to hear that.

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