Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Boys Are Back In Town

We are thinking about using a known donor.

But only once or twice - or for one or two (literal) shots - and if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. If I don't get pregnant, we'll use an anonymous donor.

But there is so much to think about. Here's the situation: We have really great friends, Adam and Alec (a gay couple) who moved to Toronto last year to do their respective Masters degrees. They are coming home in a few months this summer... around the time I will be ovulating. We are not interested in doing the long-distance TTC thing, but what about the month they come home and - if that doesn't work - another month when we can fly out to Toronto (we have family to visit there anyway)? I know there is a lot to think about, but part of me just thinks it would be so easy... and cheap... and part of me thinks, a lot safer than an AD.

Adam and I have been close for years. He's brilliant, good-looking, and has an amazing personality. A few years ago, we got drunk and had the following awkward conversation:

Me: "You wanna father my child?"
Adam: "Sure, why not. I'd be honoured!"
Me: "We could do it old school. You could put a magazine over my face and just... go."
Adam: "Okay..."
Me: "I may not be as tight as you're used to, but honestly, Alec can be in the room if that would help you, you know, get there."
Adam: "Awwww... that's so sweet. You know... I don't think I'd need to put a magazine over your face!"
Me: "Awwww... that's so sweet. I love you."
Adam: "I love you too."

Yeah. Good old Gin & Tonics!

I wouldn't obviously sleep with him; I'm not interested in that. But I do think that he actually would be honoured to donate his goods. Devon and I both agree that he has some really great qualities that would be good to have in our kid, but there are a few things that we're stuck on.

Legally, I have no worries. We would make sure that all the legalities are dealt with - have him give up parental rights, etc. We would also obviously ask him to get tested and make sure everything on the medical level is taken care of too. We would make sure he has no expectations of playing the Mark to our Callie and Arizona fairytale. I want a family of three, not a family of four.

The thing I'm having the most trouble with is people knowing. I don't want people to think, "Oh, Lex has Adam's child / Adam is the father of Lex's child". I want the child to be Devon and my child. Full stop. But it's not fair to ask him to keep a secret and take it to his grave, with only his partner, Alec, knowing. I would not ask that of anyone. And sure, maybe we could call him "Uncle Adam," like any other friend would be Aunties or Uncles...but other than that, I don't want him having any further "privileges."

But I trust that if it doesn't feel right when we hash everything out, we won't do it.

He's very young, and I imagine that in a few years, he would like to have a family. I don't know if that adds another layer, but it's something to think about too.  Would I give one of my eggs to him? Maybe. I don't know. I would like to think that I would help out a best friend to help make a dream come true. I'm not saying this has to be a give-and-take thing, and that we would be donors to each other, but it's a good test.

I think my biggest hurdle is getting over the fact that people will know that Adam "fathered" my child. I fear that the child will be known as "Adam and Lex's kid" - if not to my face, behind it. But is that just me not giving my friends enough credit? They *are* educated; perhaps it's simply my own hang-up.

Other than that, I'm happy to deal with the medical and legal matters. I trust that regardless of Adam's decision, it would be a completely respectful conversation (I won't drink any G&Ts before it - or anything for that matter). I feel like it's worth putting out on the table, and, as I said, if it doesn't sit right, we won't go there.

Am I crazy to think that it might just work out?

Am I forgetting a vital part to this equation that would put a halt to this daydream?


  1. I like the idea. I have a friend who donated to a gay couple. They had a beautiful little girl and now he sees her like once a month and she calls him Uncle in Swahili and is very happy with this arrangement. They did I think with a turkey baster. He gave them a "deposit" and they took it from there. They might have had a doctor do it. The women piked the older one first and now he is probably going to "deposit" for the younger women. If you want to talk to him you can. Send me an email. These were friends but not that close. They are closer now. He told his family as did they and no one thinks that she is anyone's baby but her two Mom's.

  2. good luck figuring this out!

    (not crazy at all)