Cry Me A (Red) River

Well, AF came today in full force... like FULL force... like the kind when you know She's there simply because you're sitting in a puddle. Usually I have some warning, but it seems like it was an extra slap in the face.

I guess I'm eager to put this month behind me and focus on next month, considering my frame of mind for the first part of my 2WW. It's still really tough and I think this let-down is actually harder than my first. (*of course* you won't be that person who gets pregnant on the first try... but it'll work the second time).

While I was quite negative at the beginning of the 2WW, your comments on my post really did help me focus on the positive, the "what ifs" and the possibility that this could be it. These 2WWs are quite excruciating. Now I know.

What I'm not fond of is how short the luteal phase is after a trigger shot (although it does make the 2WW more like a 1.5WW, which I guess is okay. Plus, less money spent on HPTs). It feels like I'm fucking with my cycle way too much though and the process is less intuitive, but I guess there is not much room for intuition and creativity when it comes to timing a conception.

I would love to hear from people who have used a hCG shot for IUIs specifically, who can ovulate on their own... do you think it's worth it?

One nurse told us not to add Clomid because I'm young and reproductively healthy, and that if anything, we should do back-to-back IUIs on our fourth month, if we haven't conceived already. Another nurse told us to add Clomid before our third try. A resident told us to do nothing - just to keep at it. I don't even have an RE anymore really, and won't be able to get in to see our new one (whoever that is) before our next try, because I'm away next week. When did others add "help"?

I'm bummed, and for a few specific reasons:

• We only have one sample left from this donor, who is now unavailable (sold out), and I really want to get pregnant with this donor.

• I'm potentially going to be in Texas when I next ovulate, or have to go in for an IUI the day I get back, which will be impossible as I am organizing a massive conference for that day at work. I haven't found a good way to balance work and family yet.

• I don't want to be 9 months pregnant in the heat of August. (Now that's just selfish and not really worth complaining about).

Ah well. What can you do, right?

Disassociation Rocks

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your comments from my last post. Thank you, thank you. Reading them honestly made me change my mindset, and now I'm feeling a lot more confident. 

I have absolutely no early pregnancy symptoms. I don't feel different in any way. And I'm not worrying about it. In fact, I keep forgetting that I'm in the 2WW, which is awesome, actually. I've been busy with work, busy at home, and the fact that I'm either pregnant or not is at the very back of my head. I forgot the other day and almost opened a beer to drink - I'm taking that as good news (thankfully I remembered before I took a sip).

So, I have no idea what will happen. I'm actually thankful that I have no symptoms, because I can't read into them. I'm still not thrilled at how this month has gone... but what can I do, right? 

Another 6 days until we'll test. Now, just trying to figure out how to navigate the wine glass that will be handed to me on Thanksgiving on Sunday.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends.

Can't Shake This Feeling

I don't know how to get over what I'm feeling and I need to, else this is going to break me down.

Nothing felt right about this month's insem. Though I really want to feel positive, I haven't been able to get in that mindset yet. Last month, I was living the "pregnant until proven otherwise" theory, which worked for me. After Saturday's IUI, I can't help but shake this yucky feeling. The timing felt wrong. None of my other fertility signs pointed to "yes". CM has been sticky for a week, BBT shows no dips or peaks, OPKs were negative before I took the trigger shot. I overheard the senior doctor in the clinic tell my doc (as they were looking over my chart) that the trigger "won't make a difference anyway". The IUI hurt and I was too focused on the pain to even think about what was happening.

But I can't be like this for another two weeks. It's going to kill me. Devon told me to talk to her about how I'm feeling, just to get it out of my body, but I don't want to be a Debby Downer, especially when she's working so hard to stay positive.

I know I have to really believe there is a chance I'm pregnant, but I'm having a tough time. How do I kick this feeling so that I can stay sane for this 2WW? Any experiences to share?

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IUI #2

Trigger shot yesterday, going in for IUI #2 in one hour! Very excited and feeling good (and sticky). Not looking forward to another 2WW, but hopefully it will pay off!