Devon and I had our appointment with our second reproductive psychiatrist yesterday. She was lovely, and although she was late to see us, decided after the hour that she wanted more time with us, so asked us if we would be willing to come again. I like a shrink that is thorough, despite a busy schedule.
The last time we saw a repro psych, she was great, but basically said that my illness is too complex, and that she hadn't ever had a patient like me before, and she didn't know how to treat me. But nothing stopped this new doc. She spent an hour just asking me questions about my past and my present, going over the different degrees of my mental illness. She told me that she didn't have my full patient file and that she would order it, book off some time to go through it, and then see me again to figure out the best way to have me have a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby, and a healthy me. Basically, she gave me hope.
It was actually wonderful to have Devon in the room with me and answer all of these intense questions. Although I don't keep secrets from her, I don't talk much about my past - mostly because I don't remember much (I lost over a decade of memory... a story for another post, another day) - but also because I am so not "that girl" anymore. But I felt really comfortable with the whole experience, and I appreciated the support so much. And I like that we're doing this kind of thing together. That makes me happy.
Once the shrink gets my full file (she's going to need a wheelbarrow) and analyzes it, she is going to have us back in the first week of June. The thing I like most about this, besides the attention to detail, is the fact that she wants to hear from me after she reads my file. She made it clear that she trusts "my side" more than anything.
Although our next appointment is to go over the specifics of my medication and the risks/benefits during pregnancy, she did mention that generally, the three medications in question are mostly safe in pregnancy. She said she had a lot of respect for me getting off my benzos over the last few months, and said that working with the existing meds is "doable". Obviously, there is a lot of layers to this and a lot to talk about still, but it seems doable.
We all agreed that getting down to the minimum amount of medication is the best method, so we will put a plan-of-attack in place soon, and get this show on the road. It has felt like there has been a lot of waiting and stagnancy, but I know that Devon and I are doing exactly what we can do. We had a good talk today about priorities, and put a bit of a life plan together, which involves potentially putting off the selling of our house this year to save our sanity. And probably our relationship. But, unlike our past plan to wait until we move before TTC, we were both clear that if we put off the selling of our house, that didn't mean we had to put off the baby-making plans.
I like this plan.
So, it looks like things are falling into place. I don't see any reason why we wouldn't jump into the specifics after we have a medication plan. Dev and I had some weirdness around the baby (I felt she wasn't as involved as she could be / she didn't feel as though I was involving her, by rushing the process after she asked me to wait until she was ready), but we had a great talk today, and again, I feel very hopeful.
And I love that she is still on board. Another thing to feel blessed about.
She's pretty awesome, and I'm pretty lucky.